Hi,
I decided to make this guide, because there is a lot of bullshit and useless advices on the web.
To improve my social skills I’ve read a lot of books, watched a lot of youtube videos and bought some online programs.
Here is the summary of what (in **MY** opinion) you really need to know, and what can TRULY benefit you if you train and practice.
Personal story, this helped me A LOT. I was a very shy and weird guy, because I was always in my head, thinking about anything, and now I am a completly different person. This also helped me to be one of the best salesman in the previous company I worked with.
**How to define social skills?**
Social skills are basically communication.
And communication comes down to 5 things.
1. Body Language
2. Tone of voice
3. Mood & Vibe
4. Words
5. Creativity
**Body language: Posture, Eye Contact, Smile**
THIS is the most important thing. Body language is 55% of communication (and 38% tonality, 7% words).
Picture this:-
* Someone walking on the street very slowly, head down, looking at his phone, with hunched shoulders. Not even looking at people walking in the street.
* Someone with a straight back, walking with energy, smiling at you and looking you in your eyes when you pass him on the street.
Who would you like to talk to ?
Posture, eye contact, and smile ! Smiles are contagious.
The way you dress is also very important. In my opinion it’s part of body language, since it covers all your body.
That’s why you can judge someone very fast by the way he is dressed. As we say, you can judge a book by its cover.
Who would you like to talk to? Someone who looks like a crackhead, or someone in a suit ? Two extremes, but you get the idea.
Having true confidence also help to have a good body language.
**Tone of voice.**
Have you ever heard someone talk and he says interesting things, but for some reason you don’t want to listen to him?
You don’t respect him, or you just want him to shut his fucking mouth… just because you can’t stand his voice ?
This happened to me, multiple times. It’s not because I’m an asshole. But because the tone of your voice is 38% of communication.
And the opposite is true, someone who only talks about bullshit, for some reason you could listen to him all day long, just because of his voice.
This is the power of your voice. And one of the reasons people LOVE the voice of Morgan Freeman.
You’ rather listen to a **deep and calm voice** than a high pitched and hysterical voice.
Having true confidence also help to have a good tone of voice. Because most of the time when you are not confident, you don’t own your voice.
**Mood & Vibe**
Emotions are contagious. When you are in a bad mood, people can feel it.
I repeat, emotions are contagious. When you see a child smiling, most of the time it puts you in a good mood, and you smile too. (except if you are a psychopath).
People want to feel good. If you are nervous, anxious, stressed out, THEY WILL feel it. So they will not feel good and… they will not talk to you.
You don’t even need to say a word, people will not want to stay with you, and for a reason they ignore (consciously or unconsciously), they will feel bad, nervous, anxious, stressed out…
But if you laugh, if you are completely relaxed, detached, they will want to stay with you and feel good ! It’s that simple.
Your own emotions contribute to the positive vibe. The vibe is basically an exchange of emotions.
**The words, what to say ?**
What you say is not as important as HOW you say it (with good body language, tonality and mood), but it’s still VERY important. (btw, if something as important as words is only 7% of communication, imagine HOW IMPORTANT body language and tone of voice are)
Read this:
* During last night, my lovely cat died. When I woke up this morning, he was in the ground of my kitchen, mouth open, and his small body was as hard as a rock. I cried for hours and now I have to bury it in my garden.
* I just came back from Brazil, I spent 3 weeks in Rio. It was AMAZING. The sun, the food, I LOVED it. And they have one of the most beautiful beaches in the world.
Words are important. But not as important as EMOTIONS. People want to feel good, that’s why they watch movies, read books… or take drugs. So don’t kill the vibe by talking about your dead cat 😉
So… what to talk about? Anything !
Here is some examples:-
* **Ask open questions:** What motivated you to go to Brazil?-
* **Stories:** I just came back from Brazil, I spent 3 weeks in Rio… (btw, people LOVE to hear a good story and be entertained. That’s another reason why tv shows, movies and books are so popular)-
* **Anecdote / Parables:** (it’s basically very short stories) Elon Musk is the richest man in the world.
* **Sharing your knowledge:** (you can do it with stories, anecdotes/parables) Abraham Lincoln is the 16th president of the USA.-
* **News:** Argentina just won the world cup !-
* **Debates:** Do you think it’s possible for a man to win a fight with a bear?
* **Cliché:** Italians love pizzas!
* **Jokes:** Sorry, I’m bad at jokes. Anyways don’t be a clown 😉
**Creativity.**
To have a conversation with someone, you need to put words together. And to put words together from nothing you need… Creativity.
A lot of people don’t know what to say. Not because they are stupid, not because they are not interesting, but because they lack creativity. Btw, stress and anxiety KILLS creativity.
With creativity, you can start a conversation from nothing.
Knowledge and imagination are the pillars of creativity. Read books, be curious, and have different experiences everyday!
**Here is an exercise:** When someone tells you a word, think about everything related to this word in the form of questions, stories, knowledge… ect. Everything listed above.
**Last trick:** When someone tells you something and you don’t know what to say. Repeat the last words they said. It’s called mirroring. I learned that in the book “Never split the difference”. This will cause the person to talk more.
*Exemple:*
Human 1: I just came back from Brazil, it was amazing.
Human 2 : Amazing ?
Human 1: Yeah, the beaches, the food, the sun, the parties. I loved it.
Human 2: Wow looks really cool ! How is the food compared to the USA ? (see, now you can talk more easily)
​
Here you go, I hope it will help you.
I honestly think you don’t need anything else, except practice.
Some people will charge you hundreds, if not thousands of dollars to learn this.
If you think something can be added, I’m open to suggestions.
15 comments
Thank You for this.
>THIS is the most important thing. Body language is 55% of communication (and 38% tonality, 7% words)
>But because the tone of your voice is 38% of communication.
>btw, if something as important as words is only 7% of communication, imagine HOW IMPORTANT body language and tone of voice are
Where are you getting these random percentages?
Interesting, but how to do it and why? Let me explain:
I understand that you are not a psychopath and that the H. Sapiens neanderthalensis or sapiens sapiens gregaria part of you makes you feel good about being accepted by your community. This, biologically speaking, is natural, since a person alone in the wild would be dead in no time, especially in the past.
You also have a need to reproduce, or to communicate with a friend, to know that your problems are normal… it is something instinctive, but is it necessary? How did you face the COVID confinement? I discovered that I could live alone, something I already knew, and I also know that I can overcome my nature, in part, because I have consciousness and will.
Now, if you need to learn all that behavioral ritual to relate, internalize it and live conditioned to all that, which is forced… wouldn’t it be healthier and more natural to free yourself from the expectations of others, and with them your own ( since they are the only ones that are really solid)?
Being yourself, if you are not a psychopath, you will not need to adopt disguises, because all that language will convey your sincere intention, whether you know it or not. If you relate to yourself by being aware of your emotions, accepting them and reacting with your own will, without being influenced by trends, fashions, criticism and other people’s opinions, you will have all this, and without the need to spend your life playing a role that is not yours. . You can listen and reflect on it but decide that opinions are not weapons, but tools for learning.
In other words: be the best version of yourself.
The question becomes: how to people become COMFORTABLE doing any of that?
Otherwise, they’d already be doing it.
Great list!
I believe you’ve put a lot of effort into this, but it’s simply not that useful.
Most of the things are either self-evident or require someone to already have certain abilities.
To summarize what you’ve told people:
– Don’t frown and slouch while walking (self-evident),
– Have good body language, and “having self-confidence helps with that” (but how to have self-confidence?),
– Dress nicely (self-evident),
– Have a deep and calm voice (the most basic advice you’ll find in any article or YouTube video, but how to get it?),
– Have good emotions and smile (but how to get into that state when you’re not feeling up to it?).
The section on what needs to be said and how to be interesting is fine, but the emphasis is again misplaced – you didn’t tell people that they need to expand their comfort zone and do interesting things in life to have something interesting to say.
I liked the part at the end about repeating the last word of the conversation partner to get them to say more.
It seems that these guides end up being very similar to each other, and they largely boil down to needing to be something, but how can a person be relaxed, anxiety-free, and confident if they’ve only encountered negative responses in life or just have anxiety, etc.
Maybe also laughter with others? Iv forgotten how and it’s defiantly a disadvantage.
Yeah people want to know HOW to do these things. Most already know about these things.
To that end I’d say
1) Get out of your of comfort zone. You can’t think that screwing up is the end of world. Instead you need to realize when you screw up and how you screwed up. Don’t beat yourself up over this, but focus on individual aspects you can improve . Being willing to talk to people leads to this.
2) Focus on one thing at time. A common piece of advice, but it works here to. If you are too focused on your facial expression, emotions, posture, tone, eye contact, etc the words that come out of your mouth will very stupid. The key is we can always improve, so make sure to be focusing on one thing at time.
3) DO NOT BELIEVE YOU NEED TO IMPRESS EVERYONE. I don’t care if you are talking to
Tom Brady or Taylor Swift, you should never walk into conversation thinking “how do I impress this person?” Focus on being consistent in your behavior, which should be being yourself. Someone getting defensive/ nervous is how conversations get ruined.
won’t surprise me if most people who seek this advice are mostly male
and you use this?
Good post.
Women are generally for natural in social skills than men. Could it be women are using more of their left brain than men who use more of right brain?
What about aura
>As we say, you can judge a book by its cover.
The saying is *DON’T* judge a book by its cover. The whole idea behind it runs in complete opposition to so much of your post, so I don’t know why you thought it’d be okay to falsely use its wisdom for your own personal gain.
>THIS is the most important thing. Body language is 55% of communication
And your face and body determine the impression from you body language. Therefore looks are the most important part of communication. Also the way you look changes the way people see your personality. Without improving your appearance to the max improving social skills is cope and no use.
Voice holds so much importance. If you were a male born with a high pitched voice then automatically, you become unsuited for charismatic positions. Therapists themselves often have calm, slow and very tranquil voices as well and it’s a requirement. Your voice shapes who you are and you can’t really do much to change it, only make the best of it.
what usually helps for me is a good drink, i went out with mutuals last night and was pretty nervous at first, but as soon as i took a quick drink all my worries faded away 😁