TD:LR tons of Leolist searches on husbands phone. I’ve withdrawn completely in the last year bc I’m unhappy. I’ve refused sex for almost a year – would say I’m not in the mood. Now I see he’s searching and possibly using escort services.
I’m reposting this with more context as I feel I didn’t provide enough the last time I posted this. About a year ago a became very withdrawn from my husband as he wasn’t super sensitive when my sisters baby died. I felt totally emotionally unattracted to him. I’ve always been disappointed and irked by his lack of compassion and warmth towards others, but always brushed it off or made excuses for him. We would often argue about it in the past, but again, up until this point I’d always find a way to get over instances where he was cold or uncaring… Around this same time, about a year ago, he went on a climbing trip with a friend of ours whose a single woman. They stayed ina hotel in the same bed together. They’re both really into climbing. In fact he’s obsessed with climbing and was desperate to find someone to go with. I had no say really and if I said something he’d make me feel stupid for asking why they had to be in the same room. I should mention he’s incredibly frugal and there’s never been a reason to think anything has ever happened between them or would…. Until I checked his bag when he came back and there were condoms. I brought it up a few weeks later and he acted like I was crazy, like those condoms were always in his backpack because he brings it up to the cottage on weekends sometimes etc.
Then he went on a ski trip with a guy friend a few months later and a day before leaving, he shaved his pubes. Somethjng he never does. I called him out and he was all weird and acted like I was crazy and tried changing the story. He said he likes being clean and tidy and if he’s changing in front of people bla bla… I was like “so you’re shaving for Kyle?!?” (His guy friend). It was super weird bc at this point we hadn’t had sex in a couple months.
Now, we’re in present day: I never go through his phone but I did the other day and noticed tons of searches on escort services for escorts in our local area… I will say, I’ve turned down any advances for sex in the last year. We’ve maybe only had sex 5 times in the last year. He’s super mean and angry when I say I don’t want to. We’ve been fighting a ton about it and then he’ll try to initiate sex again and I then decline but it’s snowballed bc now I also don’t want to have sex with him bc he’ll of said something terribly mean or vicious the day before.
So here’s where im at. On the one hand, I feel upset and scared he’s searching Leolist and other escort services. The searches go back nearly a year (when we started having serious issues). I have no clue if he’s met up with any escorts. I have no way to find out. I also feel like I drove him to look up escorts bc I withdrew… is this my fault?
Do I leave? We have a two year old.
15 comments
Yes, leave
He’s not available and you’ve withdrawn.
Unless the both of you see counselors/ therapists to work on issues, they cannot be resolved.
I mean, whether or not you contributed to the problems in your marriage is sort of beside the point. It certainly seems pretty clear he’s already cheating on you (or least totally prepared to do it).
I mean, totally withdrawing from sex isn’t good for a relationship, but neither is treating your wife like shit.
Should you leave? Probably. Is it going to be hard, also probably yes.
Probably time to see a lawyer. This is toxic for both of you and sets a bad example for your child. It seems clear neither of you are happy and it’s time to move on.
It takes two people working together to make a marriage work, but it only *needs* one to kill it. In this case, you both at least worked together to kill it.
Is it possible to fix this? I suppose so, but it would take some very significant work, and at the end, you might still find you two are incompatible, because the things that produced this situation probably won’t change.
When it comes to your child, the choice here isn’t just about your happiness – staying in a bad 2-parent home is not better than having divorced parents.
Don’t have sex with husband for a year and you are surprised he is looking around?
Well, you denied sex. I would hope he would have talked to you about it, find a solution and move on. Or possibly end the marriage due to lack of sex. No, if he is going to escorts it is his bad decision. The correct decision is talking to you about the lack of sex. None of his behaviors is your fault.
Sharing the bed with a female friend to save a few bucks. Are you kidding. My wife would change the locks on the door and file the minute I did that.
Marriage counseling stat. He slept with the rock climbing chick btw…
In practice, you both have abandoned the emotional part of being married. This isn’t healthy for a child to be immersed in. A divorce will serve both of you well. Get on it.
How are you even remotely surprised
So, you don’t fuck your husband for entire year with the excuse “Eh, not in the mood.” You don’t even really give a reason. I can understand if he’s shitty to you or some kind of lazy fuckwad that doesn’t treat you well. But you pretty much just dismissed his needs with a shrug. I am not going to ask you if you’ve been to the doctor to check your hormones or have gone to marriage counseling or therapy. I know the answer is no, because you clearly don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone but yourself.
You’ve pretty much rejected him repeatedly for 365 days straight and you have the gall to be shocked?
Yeah, cheating is wrong and he sucks for doing it. But laying all the blame at his feet is bullshit.
Yes, you willfully disengaged completely from the marriage.
That does not justify cheating.
It justifies divorce. Nothing justifies cheating.
Since he’s a liar and a coward, go ahead and pull the trigger he’s to slimy and chickenshit to pull: file for divorce.
Spoiler: filing for divorce and even divorcing don’t have to be the end of things, but it does bring about protections and plan child custody if any attempts at a turnaround fail. The marriage is in serious trouble and needs serious intervention.
Spouses tend to check out when the other constantly refuses intimacy over time.
While I don’t advocate cheating, he should man up and divorce if he’s come to that conclusion.
That being said, he’s probably weighed his options with divorce vs getting caught or wondering if you’d even care.
Marriage is about monogamy, not celibacy.
You’re wrong for not tackling the problem surrounding your lack of desire for him.
He’s wrong for that as well, along with turning to infidelity.
Most, if not all will say the problems in the marriage may be because of you, but his cheating is all on him.
I can’t really tell from your OP who’s responsible for the marriage problems. My guess is on some level both of you.
If you want to make this work you need to talk to him and go to counseling. If you are done then cut him loose.
You did the wrong thing and he did the wrong thing.
If both of you are not willing to address the issues in marriage counseling and commit to working out how to rebuild, then go to marriage counseling anyway in order to find a way to separate as amicably as possible.
Your child deserves that level of maturity.
Since sex is so unimportant to you what’s the big deal that he does that unimportant thing with other women?