TL,DR: I borrowed my mom’s laptop to send some work emails and saw a message from a “Chris” thanking her for “draining” him last night. I looked into their message history and found out she is having a full blown affair with this guy and has been doing so for atleast a year. I don’t know how to tell my Dad. Please any advice is appreciated.
My Mom (47f) and Dad (50M) have been together for 25 years and I could’ve honestly said that they were the ideal relationship in my mind. They rarely ever argued, always talked to each other and, I thought, were always loving and faithful to each other. I can even remember in school a few of my teachers telling me that my Dad and Mom were a great couple and that I should be thankful that I had a great example of what a healthy relationship looks like.
They’ve rarely argued, I can count on both of my hands the times they’ve yelled at each other. They’ve always been happy together, as far as I know. I needed to use my mom’s laptop to send off some work emails as mine was not connecting to our Wi-Fi. I started sending off emails and my mom’s messages popped up on her laptop. It was from a guy named “Chris” and he thanked her for “draining” him last night. I, not knowing what the hell was going on, decided to open up her messages and I saw that she has been cheating on my Dad for the past year atleast.
The messages they sent each other were extremely explicit and they sent pictures and videos. I started to hyperventilate and realised what was happening. I started to dry heave. I was able to screenshot the messages and send the pictures to my email. After that I told my parents I was going out for a bit. My Dad told me to stay safe and kissed my forehead and I nearly broke down in the house.
I was able to drive away for a few minutes and get to a private location and cry.
Why would she do this? Does she not love my Dad? He’s done so much for her, waited on her hand and foot when she broke her legs ski-ing, moved so she could be closer to her family when she went through PPD with me. He’s done so much for all of us and she does this? Why? Dad was always there for her when she needed him, worked overtime to allow us to experience things together.
I don’t know what I’m going to tell my sister (18) she’s coming back from university next week and she adores our Dad. It’s also the last thing I want to tell my brother (22) because he’s doing his masters and I don’t want anything to distract him from his final exams in a few months. It’s like I can’t tell anyone about this, all of my friends parents are divorced or were never married to begin with and they also looked at my parents as what a good marriage looked like.
I’m sorry if I’m rambling I just don’t know what to do. Whenever I think about it I feel hurt. I remember when I was 16 and my mom showed me the love letters and poems my Dad wrote for her and they were all so beautiful he’s loved her with all of his heart for 25 years and she’s been doing this to him?
The last person I want to tell is my Dad, i feel as if me telling him will break everything and the Dad I knew who was so loving and caring will be gone. I’ve been told by my friends that it happened to their parents too, that for years they were never the same, my best friends Dad took his own life when he found out about his wife’s infidelity.
I’m sorry if this is rambling I’m just so hurt and confused, why would she do this? How do I tell my Dad that the person he’s loved for the last 25 years has betrayed him? Please any advice is appreciated.
40 comments
I would confront her personally with the evidence and figure out what’s going on.
Tell her that she is to tell him or you will and not to delete or hide anything because you already have the proof to show him if you have to. He deserves to know. She’ll get mad that you saw her personal stuff and probably get defensive but if she wasn’t fucking around she’d have nothing to worry about. It’ll be tough, but it needs to be done. Good luck and keep us updated!
Talk to your mom first. Maybe your parents have an open relationship and they didn’t feel comfortable telling you guys. It’s unlikely, but possible
This almost exact situation happened to me with my mom when I was 18. I confronted her at the time and told her she had to tell my dad; I didn’t feel like it was my place to tell him. Four years later, I found out she was still doing it and never told my dad. My sister ended up telling him then. Looking back, I wish I would have told my dad right away when I was 18.
A few years have gone by and my parents are actually still together. I don’t live with them anymore so I’m sort of disconnected, but things seem better for them.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It really messed up my entire family’s relationship with my mom.
I’ve been in this exact situation. Talk to your mum and tell her she needs to tell the truth to your dad or you will. Give her a specific time frame.. And then follow through with it.
If you eventually are the one that tells your dad, it will be the hardest thing you ever do, and everything might go to shit for a while, but everyone will be okay, and everyone will get through it.
At this point, yes they’re your parents, but your 24 – an adult dealing with adults, doing the right thing is the only way you’ll get through it all without dealing with guilt or resentment.
Sorry you’re going through it – believe it or not my parents are now reconciled and happier than ever, but not without a lot of tough times in between.
Stop being a wuss and tell your father already, he deserves to know
I think in the extremely unlikely instance that this isn’t cheating (open relationship, permission, etc), talking to your Mom first is a good idea. Figure out what’s going on. Presuming your relationship with her is good.
Alternatively, if you are 100% certain it’s cheating, you could maybe tell one of your siblings and the two of you could approach your Dad together so you at least have some backup/support when you have to do it.
Obviously if this is cheating, your Dad is going to need a lot of support so try to mentally make yourself ready to help support him.
Above all I wanted to say I am really sorry and to make sure to take some time for yourself and reach out to your support group (friends, siblings) when you need.
When you get a chance, screenshot everything. Get your dad as many records and pieces of evidence that you can, because he is going to need it.
See to it that you can collect days worth of evidence, because your Mom may target you in an attempt to keep her marriage. Once you give him evidence, Dad will take it from there.
There is a STRONG possibility that Dad knows and is simply suffering in silence. You’ll be able to help him and your family.
Evidence. Evidences Evidence. I’m not saying sneak around and find more, I simply mean record what you’ve already found.
I would lean towards telling your dad yourself.
Because it’s a long term affair, not a ons or spur of the moment failure.
She has to be planning when to cheat,so I would think she isn’t too sorry.
So if you give her the option to tell him, I bet she will spin it as much as she can to not look so bad.
Trust me, there are other things you could have to tell your dad that are far worse, do the right thing and let him know.
I might say go ahead and tell your dad first. The last thing you need is your mom blaming you for everything that comes out of it, which is what she may try to do. Approach your dad with your evidence and he can take it from there. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
People here telling you that you should be “respectful” and “approach your mom in a calm and reasonable” manner are somewhat out there. If the genders were inversed, they’d be screaming bloody murder.
Tell your dad, show him the pictures, and then let him handle it. It’s not your place to step in and try to sort this out. It’s their relationship. And telling your mom will only allow her to start purging evidence, come up with a story, and get stuff moving before your father ever even finds out something is wrong.
I’m just gonna say most long term couples know. My mom cheated on my dad and I knew and never said anything bc I didn’t put the prices together until I got older. Turns out my dad knew the whole time.
Tell your Dad right now. Say what needs to be said, without drama and that you are so very sorry. Give him his dignity, he deserves to know. If you tell your mom first she will blame you and draw you in.
I would send the screenshots to your dad and say You thought he should know and will be there for him when dealing with her. Don’t give your mom a chance to wiggle out of this and blame it on you. I would let the evidence do the talking and just be there for him as needed. Good luck.
It’s so weird, people who have these good parents and relationships with them seem to have more skeletons than my family where it was just yelling and insults
If you hold this in your mental health will greatly suffer and your Dad will be deeply hurt that you withheld this info from him. In his emotional trauma he might even do something drastic like cut you off temporarily. You can;
1. Print everything out and leave it for him in a envelope.
2. Tell him directly.
3. Email him.
4. Tell your Mom to come clean or you will do it for her. And remind her you have the evidence and not to gaslight or trickle truth him.
You don’t know as much as you think you know about your parents’ marriage. Marriage is weird like that. Any number of things could have influenced this straying. He could know, they could have a DADT arrangement, he could have a history of infidelity himself, it could be a celibate marriage and/or 100 other factors. I’m not in any way saying ‘excuse it’, but I am saying your anxiety and shock is muddying the waters.
Also, be careful about what you want from this long term. If you tell everyone and make a huge drama it will be more likely to end in divorce. Marriages (and families) do survive infidelity, but not often when the lid is blown off the whole thing publicly. Time, therapy, forgiveness do this.
I’d also suggest stepping back a moment and considering that your mom is not just your mom, and not just a wife. She is a woman. Entitled to some privacy (including her laptop), a chance to explain herself, and a person allowed to have her own business outside of the family, like you do yourself. Yes, there are big issues here for her to address. Yes, it affects you profoundly. But you are now of an age where you can deal with this maturely, and appreciate the more nuanced aspects of it all. You want to be treated as an independent adult with a private life, so consider taking this approach with her? It’s not for you to punish her, or go into battle for your Dad. He can do that himself, within the context of his marriage. Hard times are ahead for you all, but be careful not to act out of shock and perhaps make it worse yourself? And your Dad? I recommend telling your mom that you know, and leaving it to her to address. Doing nothing won’t be an option for her. Stand clear until they have a chance to process this together.
You need to tell him bc he’s going to want all the details and she will purge anything and everything if you give her a heads up.
Guaranteed your screenshots are only a snippet of the details.
You don’t want to sit there and have to deal with your mom begging, yelling at you, threatening, gaslighting, bribing, badmouthing your dad, deflecting, etc.
What she’s doing is disgusting and she’s lost the right to dictate how this comes out.
Show him your evidence, tell him you’re so sorry for his pain but he deserved to know then let him handle it.
I would tell your dad instead of giving your mom a chance to tell him. She could change the story or just not tell him and say she did. It’s best your dad gets the full truth, and I think you’re the best chance at that
Parents are probably swingers. Any strategically placed pineapple furniture, flags stickers, etc, anywhere?
Dude you have evidence just show him the evidence you don’t have to say anything
Talk to her….
I had basically the same thing happen to me….and lo and behold…..it wasnt an affair….they had an open relationship…I HAD NO FUCKING CLUEM WO4LD UPSIDE DOWN. Blew my fucking mind.
Theyre still together. And we dont talk about it. But its so weird.
People are skipping the main point.
For your dads best interests, tell him immediately and give him the proof and have him contact a divorce attorney before any other steps are taken.
Father and attorney need to know and have the evidence before mother is aware OP knows the secret or else mother may try to fuck the father over if things do end up ugly.
mom, dad’s screwing someone else
I highly suggest posting this in r/survivinginfidelity as that sub has an even better understanding of infidelity and how to deal with it.
Been in this exact situation when I was a teenager, except it was my dad cheating on my mum. I never told either of them, but it did seriously wreck my relationship with my dad for a long time.
However at this point, almost 20 years later, I have a good relationship with my parents and their marriage has survived. Though I’ve never told him, I’ve forgiven my dad in my own mind. I don’t know if it was a one off or if it has continued to this day, and I don’t want to know – it’s not my business.
I remember how shocked I was when I found out. Your description of your reaction brought back strong memories. And I felt guilty, for having found out and for not telling anyone. I was a kid and I had no idea how to handle it. I’m sure if I’d told my mum their marriage would have ended, and who knows what sort of trauma that would have caused, so it’s hard to say in hind sight what the best course of action was. At this point I just hope it never comes out.
So difficult. Do what you feel that you would have someone do for you.
This is the way
Telling him would be a very hard conversation. A harder conversation to have would be to try to talk to him about why you kept it from him if he learns you knew about it after he discovers the cheating and kept it from him. Keeping it a secret will definitely weigh on you as well. Your own mental well-being may also be compromised if you do so as well.
The best thing you can do is to document the evidence and show your dad. If he has any self-respect he will divorce your mother but that is almost certainly happening anyway as he will find out eventually. Your relationship with him may improve through this if you tell him. Your relationship with your Mom may suffer a bit but it probably won’t be as big a hit as keeping her secret for her would hurt your Dad. Also, it seems that you and your siblings are old enough to be out of K-12 or soon will be so if it had to happen this is probably the best time for it. Your siblings will manage and if you tell your father you also abrogate the necessity of telling your siblings about it – it will be up to him how to deal with the fallout rather than you. Less trouble all around for you to just have that one tough talk with Dad about what Mom has been up to.
Op I’d tell your dad if I was you. He really deserves to know and be aware. Obviously it’s his decision what to do with that knowledge but letting him have the evidence and be aware is his best bet.
I don’t know how your mom might react, she could try to blame you, your dad, everyone else but herself. She could try to spin the story to make you look like the bad person. She could also try to screw your dad over and file for a divorce.
I’d let him know and then see what he wants to do. Be supportive with your dad and let him know your here to help him.
Here’s what to consider- if you tell your mum first, it will be easier for you since you won’t have to tell him yourself, but it does give her an opportunity to plan how to twist any uncertain factors that haven’t been explicitly mentioned in the screenshots. If you tell your dad first, the ball is in his court and he can address it how he sees fit, but its of course a lot harder on you doing it this way and you’ll have to see him during the worst of it (but you can also be there to support him through it, if that’s what you’d like to do). I am really sorry, its an awful position to be in. You could also consider telling someone else to talk to him about it (an aunt/uncle maybe, for example), but that can make things more messy- the info won’t get to him first, they could end up addressing the situation how they see fit, and your dad may be upset that you didn’t come to him first or that someone else knows something he may have wanted to handle privately.
I could be wrong, but those seem like the three main options. There’s always the ‘anonymous’ email or letter option, but I don’t think you should give him any reason to distrust the source, and he’ll be upset when he finds out it was you, so I don’t recommend this one. But I’ve also never been in this situation before and hope that I never will, so maybe others will have a better idea of how to address it. And of course, there could be some outlier responses- mum could be entirely honest once being confronted about it, or dad could be upset with you as the messenger of bad news.
I couldn’t tell you which approach is best, but these are some things to consider and you can maybe see which you would rather follow through with. I’m really sorry.
Hey OP, I know you must be feeling a lot of emotions right now. I was in a very similar situation and it didn’t feel real. It’s a slap in the face, especially when you’ve thought the best of that parent your whole life. Is there anyone outside of your family, like a friend or coworker, you can trust and talk to? It’s going to be a very difficult time and even though you may feel tempted to act now, telling your dad or confronting your mum is going to be very difficult. It’s important that you have support during this time.
When my mum cheated on my dad, I felt very similar to you. I decided it would be best to confront my mum first, so I could find out her reasons and have her tell my dad herself. Unfortunately, my mum has strong narcissistic tendencies and only gaslighted me instead, making me feel like I had over-read the situation. If I hadn’t spoken to my close friends about it, I probably would have believed my mum and dropped the situation.
Do not listen to these maniacs telling you to go to your mother first. You need your dad to confront her, so she has little time to delete evidence and spin a story. There is no way you saved everything as screenshots, based on your OP.
Your dad deserves to know the truth, and he has the right to be angry to the cheater, without giving said cheater a fucking chance to make a bullshit story, and disrespect him more.
Also, prepare for the remote chance that they are poly, but I doubt it.
I told my mom when I saw evidence of my dad cheating on her. I told her first, and when he got PISSED at me, I simply told him that there are two sides to this: his or mine. One of those I don’t agree with. If I didn’t tell her, I was taking his side. If I told her, I was taking mine. Because my morals would’ve ate me alive if I concealed it. Parents don’t realize the risk of cheating cause put their children in compromising positions in this day and age.
You’ll get shit on by her, her family, and maybe your siblings. But your morals will be intact. I made it out and I saw many peoples true colors, who are 22, I don’t want around me (family or not).
OP, do NOT tell your mom first, for the love of God. She will twist the story so hard, all you’d be doing is giving her a chance to hide the evidence and make you look like a liar.
Idk why the top comment is telling you to tell your mom.
She’s a proven deceiver. How in the world are you going to trust them to do the right thing when they’re actively being selfish?
Tell dad so he has time to dig himself, see the proof, and confront her at his own speed. Hes already been blindsided by your moms cheating, now you are to have given her the advantage? Come on.
This would be a little vengeful but sit down with your Dad and tell him But tell him to wait to you talk to your mom.
Tell her that you have proof that your Dad is cheating on her with a 25 girl. get her response. What ever it is that is what your Dad should do to her.
If she screams and threatens him to take everything. She she deserves nothing. If cries and says she she’ll forgive him. and admits what she did then she deserves mercy. If he can.
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Mercy is only given to those willing to give it
I am going to get beat up her, Women have a tendency compartmentalize there relationships more than men. My wife agrees with me from her conversations. from her cheating friends that she no longer hang out with.
Trust me she’ll come apart when she is confronted. if she cares at all..
The last you want to do is betray your father like you mother did. He will fell like he has no one on his side.
Get your sister and brother involved. They can help both of them.
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Another choice is to tell you you are going to your Dad. Do no worry about her deflection. I mixed emotions on what to do if she says she will call it off. But you cant trust her now.
Your about to learn a tuff lesson at a early age what cheating will do to a family Hope you learn from it.
Also don’t let the AP family off he destroyed yours your destroy his. His family deserves.
I am not a nice guy. My ask me what would I do if she ever cheated I gave an answer she was not expected. “I said we would have an open relationship. ”
You should have see how unhappy she was.
I said “no we wouldn’t She wasn’t going to cheat and and she kill me if I ever touched another women.”
Just to let you know We were talking about on of her friend cheating. I forbid her to hang her after that and she didn’t.
What is wrong with the people in these comments??? DO NOT TELL YOUR MOM. If she knows, she can start the divorce process and screw your dad out of everything. Tell him everything and send him the photos. Even if she doesn’t start a divorce there’s absolutely no reason to give her the opportunity to come up with a story or to delete evidence. She chose this path on her own, she already knows that she’s cheating and if you put a timer on it you are only helping her by letting prepare. Not just that, but your poor dad will be completely blindsided. The right thing to do is to tell your dad and don’t let your mom know that you know anything. Your dad needs the opportunity to get ahead of this.
It is possible that maybe your parents have an arrangement. Their marriage may be more open than you know. Why do they never argue? Why do they seem so happy? Your dad may also have a side chick. 🤷♂️ something to consider…
… are. You SURE your dad doesn’t know? Is it possible that their marriage is open or they’re swingers? I feel like that’s definitely something they’d keep quiet from their kids
My parents spent some time sleeping with other people when their marriage got stale. Maybe they’re having a dry spell. Maybe they’re exploring polyamory, maybe he already knows. Some couples also don’t want to know. I have many friends that have open relationships that they don’t explicitly tell their kids about. You can’t bring this on yourself. Please don’t downvote me into oblivion, this is just my perspective. Take a few days to think about it, it’s really not your place to say anything or maybe bring it up to your mom in an empathetic kind of way and see what she says. Maybe she feels unloved or unattractive and she’s only exploring a virtual relationship. Approach with understanding.