She reminds me a lot of me, in the way she carries herself, how she dresses (very tomboyish), and talks, etc. She’s also super quiet and seemingly shy, so I(28F) thought I’d try to befriend her because I get it. But she never reciprocated, and she’s rather standoffish and cold and shows no interest whatsoever in talking to me or even looking at me.

I’ve noticed that she doesn’t really interact unless you’re a guy. She talks to pretty much every guy here and acts like “one of the guys.”

Is this not weird? I don’t know why it annoys me, but it does. Would this make you feel some type of way too?

48 comments

  1. Eh, not everyone wants to be your friend. I’m sure it’s not a great feeling to be snubbed, but it doesn’t sound like she’s actually done anything bad.

  3. It’s possible that I am a little like her. Like to me I think I treat everyone the same guy or not, but I could maybe come across as standoffish etc ? I don’t mean to be but for example I’m often bad at eye contact, easily distracted, it’s really hard for me to not blurt things out etc so sometimes I’m quiet instead to try to not offend someone.

    All in all I think that me doing my best to not offend people could possibly come off stand of fish sometimes

  4. INTJ females often get type bullied from 5th grade on, mostly by the other girls, often by teachers, and their own parents. Of course this is weird, but INTJs are used to rejection and bullying. Their social battery also gets drained fast, so they are very selective in who they socialize with.

    That doesn’t mean they can’t learn, and it certainly doesn’t mean this girl couldn’t massively profit from a better relationship with you.

    You do sound like you might really enjoy learning about MBTI/enneagram, not just because it explains a lot of human behavior, but also because it will allow you to figure out how to deal with the weird types better.

  5. Why is this any of your business? It’s nothing to do with you and she doesn’t need your permission or owe you any kind of explanation. If I sound like I’m being too harsh with you it’s because I had to let a childhood friend go who didn’t seem to get that I was allowed to live my own life and didn’t owe her explanations for it.

  6. If it’s not that she just doesn’t want to be your friend, it could be a few other things.

    Some women hate other women for lots of reasons. Could be trauma it could also be emotional issues.

    Kind of related to the second “emotional issues” thing. They might not hate women exactly, but only associate with men because she’s a “NLOG” type. She likes the feeling of being treated a little special that she doesn’t get around women. When hanging around with women she’s just one of the girls, when hanging around with men she holds a special, separate place in the friend group. Most men can’t help but treat women just a little bit differently than other men. They like that treatment and feeling. Women are never “just one of the guys.”

    There are exceptions to every rule, obviously. So there might be a few examples out there where that statement doesn’t apply, but I’ve never ever seen it in my life and I’ve been around.

  7. Honestly I don’t get the comments saying it’s none of your business, I’d say it’s sort of a little bit interesting at least if someone treats you very coldly. I get why it feels annoying, of course it’s in her right to do, but even if shy she could at least put effort to be courteous or to not treat you as if she didn’t like you.

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not everyone being your tribe, but I like to see behavior as is, and women who ignore other women but socialize with seemingly every guy does point to her having internalized problems. Jealousy, subconscious discomfort, barriers, and such. Or trauma.

    I do know this from myself too, it stems from past bullying, and I’m working very hard to overcome it because I feel like as a woman I wanna feel comfortable with my own kind and we have to support each other, it’s the right thing to do, so I surpress bad feelings in this context when they come up. It also makes for a more comfortable atmosphere in general.

    Now for her this may have all such different reasons and you’re probably better of not meddling too deep in it and treating her nice anyway. Her loss, hopefully it doesn’t impact you in any meaningful way there. You’re all grown ups!

  8. I used to act a lot like her.
    Women kinda scared me lol.
    I had terrible female role models growing up and was bullied by 2 groups of girls in school.
    I also have 5 brothers

    It was completely unnatural for me to talk to women the 1st 3/4 of my life.

    I don’t know what her deal is, but you shouldn’t take it personally. She’s had a completely unique life…. just as you have. Let it go and invest your energy into something more rewarding.

  10. I’d just let it go. She’s probably had a bad history with female friendships, so she just sworn them off altogether. Keep things cordial, but don’t go out of your way to be nice to her.

  11. Oh, I totally get what you mean! It can be frustrating when someone seems to only show interest in one gender and ignores others. I can understand why it might bother you. Maybe she feels more comfortable or relates better to guys, or perhaps she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. It’s hard to know for sure without talking to her about it. But hey, if she’s not interested in interacting with you, there are plenty of other people who might appreciate your friendliness and want to hang out with you.

  12. I wouldn’t take her behavior towards you personal. She probably feels more at ease with men and insecure talking to other girls. You mentioned she reminds you a lot of yourself — if you find it easier to talk to guys rather than girls then she probably feels the same way. You’re definitely the bigger person for making attempts to befriend her and get to know her more.

  13. No. It’s not weird. I’m the same way as the girl you’re talking about. All my friends are guys and I haven’t had an actual girlfriend since I was in middle school. I get along better with guys and I can’t relate to other women. I had coworkers I love but I keep them at a distance. Hanging with woman is weird and exhausting. I’m also bi and more interested in women sexually then men so it’s weird for me to hang around people I’m attracted to. I rather hang out with the guys and relax. You should respect her boundaries. It’s nothing wrong with you, possibily, you probably just come off as too girly or stuck up. Atleast something of the like since you’re making this post.

    She might also like the attention and doesn’t want another girl around on her terf. Which is what some people would say who don’t know much about women.

    She might also be the type who needs to get used to you before she opens up since you said she’s shy. You might be misinterpreting her signals or catching her on a bad day. People always tell me that I look like I’m always pissed off or something when literally I’m just thinking and got a lot on my mind lol.

    She could also not like women because she was picked on in school by a lot. I’ve met more shittier women in my life than men.

    Could be any number of things. If you really want to be her friend then it’ll come naturally.

  14. I’ve had a handful of negative experiences with other women that now I am a little cautious when I meet new women. Idk this girl’s experience, but maybe she just gets along with guys more.

  15. You could be describing me honestly. It’s very likely I have ASD with ADHD according to therapists and Psychs. I’m also Les.

    I can talk to and hang out with most guys and growing up those were normally who I hung out with IF I hung out with anyone. However, I’ve always had issues hanging out with women. I think I used to get embarrassed/shy around them. Then, over time, I became a bit traumatized because many women had the same reaction towards me that you seem to be having to her. This normally lead to me being ostracized (the best outcome), harrassed, or they’d be catty, or they’d try to get me in trouble/fired/etc or otherwise tormented me in some way. Which lead to me avoiding women and hanging out with the guys. Which lead to women reacting like you are to her. Which lead to…….

    So, yeah. I would feel a certain way. It would make me feel like I’m looking at myself and I would feel bad for her. It sucks to be in those shoes.

  16. i would recommend not trying to befriend people at work period. often it can lead to messy drama, so i would say it’s probably for the best that she wasn’t reciprocal. if i were you i’d stay in my lane and just try to get my work done as neatly as possible! i’m a 34f and i will be ur friend

  17. She could have had bad experiences with women and good experiences with guys. I’m not sure why you’re taking it personally if she doesn’t befriend any women at all. It’s not like she’s befriending every woman but you! Even if you think you “get it”, she doesn’t know that, because she doesn’t know you.

  18. a lot of girls tend to act catty to one another. I know a few who have said that they only have guy friends for this very reason

    alternatively, she could just like the attention

    either way, you didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t let it get to you, at least you tried.

  19. Honestly my social environment at work is exhausting to me bc it’s 90% women. I would kill to work in an environment 90% guys bc guys are pretty straight up and easy to understand and typically welcome female company no questions asked, no matter what you look like. I am constantly having my feelings of worth shifted by the girls I work with, always wondering if they’re just having a bad day or if it’s me and I’m so over it.

  20. How young is she? I feel like a lot of girls, particularly girls who become comfortable in a position as “one of the guys,” develop a “not like other girls” complex. One day, that’ll bite her in the ass. Hopefully, she’ll grow from the experience and realize that only bad can come of forsaking her own gender in favor of male approval. I remember the exact day I learned the lesson.

    In the meantime, there’s nothing you can do about it but give her space and model positive, non-toxic ways for women to treat one another.

  21. Does she have a lot of brothers? Sometimes women are more comfortable around guys because that’s what they’re used to.

  22. Is there a possibility that you may be jealous of her? Or upset that she rejected you? When things bother us so much, it could be because they have something we want or they do not give us something we think we deserve. We’re all guilty of placing expectations on other people, aka “if it was me, i would act in this way.” When it doesn’t happen, it bothers/annoys us. In workplaces and life, we have a choice in who we want to chat with and befriend. You tried, give yourself credit for that. You opened up a line of communication, and maybe in the future, she’ll reciprocate. Otherwise, I’d just leave it and maybe journal around why this interaction bothered you if you were curious to find out.

  23. I’ve always been pretty disliking of girls like that because they were very pick me and begging for attention more often than not. I’m similar to her in the sense that I’m “one of the guys” and get along well with men but I try and talk with women too. It depends if she’s genuinely awkward or a pick me.

  24. I used to be like this, still am to a degree. My theory is it’s because I’m autistic and men tend to be more forgiving of social mistakes while women reject me for it (family included). The constant rejection is incredibly traumatizing and I’m now afraid to talk to women.

  25. Oooo this is me at work. I’ve just been burned. There is some weird thing where it seems like some women feel like they need to tear others down to get ahead and that there can only be so many women in tech. It’s such an antiquated and self-fulfilling belief, so if I act like and become “one of the guys” it is just less political and I feel like I’m less threatening.

    I see a lot of people saying that she is a pick me or it is for attention. I can also see that being the case but if she’s dressing down and not being flirty, I’d lean towards it is her being in some sort of self preservation mode even if it is subconscious.

  26. Sometimes I just see how people are and choose not to associate myself with said people. I interact with people that make me feel good and help me learn. Those that bring me down or leave me out, I don’t even speak to them.

  27. I don’t think it should annoy you. Stay kind and patient and maybe you’ll be friends and if you don’t become friends, you were still kind and patient to someone else and that in itself is rewarding, to try to be genuine! I get where you’re coming from and being annoyed haha but it’s more of a reflection of her than you if she can’t appreciate your kindness!

  29. I’m like this. I think a lot of people think I’m standoffish/mean/a pick me but I’m actually just very shy and have had lots of bad experiences with girls and don’t know how to react when a girl is nice to me and I always assume they’re faking it (yes ik I’m projecting my issues onto other ppl I’m working on it)

  30. It’s definitely strange if she treats all the girls that way. But all we have is only your example, so we can’t actually say. Just don’t take it personally, as people said here before

  31. I bet she gets intimidated by women. Probably faced a lot of social rejection from other girls in childhood (real or perceived). I used to very much be this way and girls often thought I was a “bitch” or disliked them.

    Ive managed to work on becoming more confident with friendliness towards other women, but it’s still so hard to initiate friendships. The successful female friendships I’ve had are ones where my now-friend is very extraverted, friendly, welcoming, and rather stubborn about spending time with me.

    If you’re interested in getting her to warm up to you, try making efforts to talk to her, to listen to and address specifically her in group conversations. Find ways to let her know that you’re safe and approachable. She’ll open up.

    Edit: Or she thinks you’re pretty, has a crush on you, and doesn’t know how to deal with it

  33. It is much better to be friends with people who will reciprocate what you do for them and will be supportive. I think that you’ve done your part, trying to befriend her and that didn’t work out. So, let the girl be friends with the guys she likes and you can meet people that value your frienship.

  34. Probably lesbian and autistic… many gay men also do the opposite. Internalized sexism could be another cause. There is also the mistaken notion that men hang around together, boys do that.

  35. Maybe she’s used to having guy friends.

    I wouldn’t worry about this whatsoever though. Who cares.

  36. Some girls do that because of trauma but some girls do it because of control/“owning the territory”. You have to figure out who’s who.

  37. I feel like I could partially relate to that. I get along with guys so much better but I know it isn’t internalized misogyny because I am a very proud feminist. I struggle maintaining friendships with girls, I will be nice and everything but I do not feel inclined to keep trying with them. I think a big part of it is having an awful experience with girls as friends as a kid and up until now. Another part of it might be my personal issues with gender making me feel envious watching girls be so comfortable within their assigned gender. I only have one girl best friend at this point and then like a full friend group of 10 guy friends. I love my friends but a part of me feels like I’m missing out.

  38. I mean not to be that person but most people who work together aren’t always close or best friends. It’s very possible that this person doesn’t care to be your friend for varied reasons that only they know.

    Maybe they have reasons why they don’t wish to engage with other women. A lot of women these days are still mean girls like from high school,especially around other women. Especially most grown women.

  39. You don’t have to be someone’s saviour and she’s clearly capable of socialising.

    It wouldn’t make me feel some type of way because you’re not owed friendship. She never asked anything of you.

  41. I got told I was like this as well. I feel like it’s due to experiences. My whole life I only really experienced bullying from girls or women. Then when I got older several women in my family became abusive towards me. I grew up with brothers and even in school, I felt like I was accepted socially by guys. This kinda caused me to put up a wall in a way. I want to work on my relationships with women. Though it can be hard sometimes just seeing how mean women can be to each other sometimes.

  42. Just don’t go out of your way to talk to her. She’s obviously made her intentions known, it is what it is. Treat her in the same manner she treats you and move on.

  44. Just let it go. This is a workplace, not a social circle. It’s not a place to make friends. I’m sorry this happened to you but don’t take it personally and just focus on your work.

  46. Best thing to do is just be indifferent to it. It’s hard to and it could be any reason she’s being the way she is. In a somewhat similar vein, when I was younger, I couldn’t stand someone not liking me. I had a misunderstanding with a friend who thought I said something about his gf when I didn’t and he ignored me for a whole day and I spent that entire day trying to convince him I didn’t say anything. But if it happened today, I would just say it once that I didn’t say anything and then leave it and not waste my time or energy.

    I always try to see it as “I did my bit” if they don’t reciprocate or whatever it’s on them.

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