My wife has always been a very sweet, loving and happy person. She loves hugs. She likes romantic things.

My mood has been going down due to work stress, I got a promotion but it is totally eating me up, I work about 85 hours a week, exhausted. And the only thing I want when I leave work is to rest.

My wife always waits for me to arrive, even if it is 3 AM she will be awake to accompany me. She always welcomes me with a kiss and a hug.

These past few months I’ve been ignoring her. She always asks me about my day and I only answer “it was good, a little tired, just like yesterday”; She always asks me why my day was like this and I end up dodging her question with simple answers. She also ends up telling me about her day even though I don’t ask her. She tells me about the gossip about a certain Bob and his wife (who work together with my wife). She always wants to sleep cuddling. After sex she always wants to hug me and stay up talking no matter what time it is.

A few weeks ago, I had a very stressful day and I just wanted to get to sleep. My wife welcomed me as always and she started talking, talking, talking. I sat on the couch and she sat next to me to hug me. So I told her (and I regret it) to stop being so sweet because she was stressing out my day. She simply apologized.

From that day on, if I am late she will no longer be waiting for me. We no longer sleep in each other’s arms. After sex she simply gets up to the bathroom and then falls asleep with her back to me. She no longer tells me about her day.

I even asked her if she had any gossip about Bob and she said “no, nothing interesting has happened.” When I ask her about her day she tells me “it was good, thanks for asking.” When I hug her she tries to keep them short.

I really miss her, and yes, I’m a big jerk but I just wanted to rest from a long day but now that I can do it I don’t want it, not if my wife isn’t there with me.

Any way to fix this?

38 comments

  3. So your wife was simply doing her part of this thing called MARRIAGE, and you were completely ignoring your part, finding time for sex but not for actually wondering how she’s feeling or at least simply ACCEPTING her affection. Step your game up dude.
    What you can do now – APOLOGIZE. Profusely, put your heart into it, really understand why she’s upset, how you messed up, and how you would feel yourself if you were the one being ignored. Fully acknowledge, understand, apologize, promise you will never do that again.

    P.S. it’s okay to sometimes tell our partners that we’re tired or want to be alone. The fact that you say that this has been going on for actual multiple months is the real red flag. Good luck

  4. Hav you apologized to her? And actually told her about how stressed you are? You need to. Then you need to start putting more effort into her. Talking, taking her on date when you’re off etc.

  5. You got damn partners gotta stop this shit. We all have feelings and you may have killed her spirit. Just stomped it out. Spit on it. Now you want it back? It doesn’t work like that. You’d better work HARD and apologize. Working doesn’t give you an excuse to be such a dick.

  6. With a spectacularly selfish act you shattered her feelings for you. Whatever emotional connection you can cobble back together after that will likely never be the same. It’s a long shot, but treating her the way she always treated you might bring her back to a parity with you.

  7. To your wife, this wasn’t a one-time issue. You have continually taken your stress out on her with your shortness and ignoring her and her needs.
    Now she is giving you what you wanted, and yet you’re still not happy. You are the issue, and your wife is innocent collateral damage.

    Can you fix it? Maybe if you make genuine changes, come home with flowers, her favourite treat, or whatever it is she loves. Make an actual apology with why you were wrong and how you are going to change your behaviour towards her.

    Get yourself a new job or work with a therapist on managing your stress and how not to take it out on your wife.
    Maybe even marriage counselling, as i bet this isn’t the only instance where you have treated her this way.

  8. Well… you got exactly what you asked for.

    But this might be the beginning of the end. Trust me, you’ve shattered her feelings. But you probably realize that already, given what you wrote in the post.

    If there’s any way to fix this? Nobody here on reddit knows. It all depends on your efforts and your wife’s willingness to mend the damage. Chance is high she already mentally checked out.

    The only and best thing you can do right now is to take a day off from work, give her your full undivided attention, and apologize. Not just an apology, but one that comes deep from your heart and is well meant.

    Do it ASAP, because the longer you wait to apologize, the further she will be checked out and the closer you will be to getting handed divorce papers.

    I can’t guarantee you success, but I wish you the very best!

  9. There is this thing about a ratio between positive and negative interactions. I’m not sure of the exact ratio since they sometimes differ, but here is an example: [https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/)

    I’m pretty sure your wife noticed you being more distant etc for a longer period. The same way you have now noticed her change, she most definitely noticed your change.

    You hurt her feelings, perhaps even broke some of her emotional trust in you. Can you repair it? My advice is that you start initiating more (genuine) positive interactions. It will probably take some time for her to emotionally trust you again (if my guess is right) and that is something you will have to accept if you want to stay married to her. Good luck.

  10. It seems fairly obvious that your work-life balance is waaaaaay out of whack, and is impacting not only your own mental health but your relationship with your spouse. It’s unlikely at this point that you’ll be able to find that balance without something changing. You need to make a choice about what’s more important to you because it’s already breaking your wife. Further than that, you need to involve your wife in that discussion.

    Right now, you’re constantly telling your wife, every way but directly, that she doesn’t come first. Every day you’re spending a little more of her love and loyalty, and it sounds like you’re investing very little of it back into your relationship with her. Sooner or later, that love and loyalty will run out and she won’t be far behind.

  11. Find a different job bro. This is no way to live. Having Time together is more important than having nice things.

  12. You fucked up, I would love to have a woman showing genuine interest in my day to day and all pointless things that happened and just want to be be apart of my life. You took her happy, positive outlook for granted and made her feel diminished and as if her efforts were a waste of time.

  13. 85 hours a week!!! That is 12-17 hour days depending on how many days a week you are working. I hope this isn’t a long term thing. Humans aren’t built to function like that. Might want to look for another job.

    On to your wife…you blew it kid but YOU CAN fix this but you better work hard at it so she doesn’t think it’s you love bombing her and then you’ll go back to being an ass. Good luck.

    Updateme

  14. It wasn’t this one night that set her off… just the last straw. My best advice is to start courting her again and remove sex until you have shown her that she can open up to you. Might take some work but it sounds like you are willing. Best of luck!

  15. You remind me of my ex husband who told me that we needed to get a dog because I was too affectionate with him. Kinda the beginning of the end…

  16. You’re like the guy a while back who made fun of his wife’s laugh and then was sad because she didn’t laugh anymore.

    You need to apologize and tell her that you appreciate her gestures of love and always have, that you’re going through a rough time and took it out on her, and that you were wrong to do that.

  17. Yeah, get off of Reddit, and tell her what you just said here. Admit you were an idiot, apologize, and start trying to make it up to her. Maybe it’s not too late.

  18. My husband works 6, sometimes 7 days a week, from at least 0730 until 2000. And he never gets tired of talking to me, cuddling with me, bugging me, me bugging him. This is a you problem, and if you want to fix things, you need to work on it. Otherwise, things are going to get worse

  19. You got exactly what you asked for and she dimmed her light for you. I very sincerely hope you never get it back!

  20. OP: *Is mean to his wife and tells her to stop being nice to him*

    Wife: *stops being nice to him*

    OP : “No, not like that! “

    Have you tried idk…..apologizing for hurting her feelings ? Something tells me that would be a great start . But also, you really fucked up here.

    It’s completely valid to want some space and decompress after a long day. What I don’t understand is how you speak to and treat someone you’re supposed to love that way. Work on controlling your emotions.

  21. You didn’t just ignore her. You’ve been treating her awfully when she is just trying to act like a wife, take care of you and *feel loved*. You can’t even fucking cuddle her after sex?

    She just saw there is no point in trying anymore. And you didn’t even apologize. You only miss the things now that they are gone.

    >I’m a big jerk but

    You can’t even admit you acted like an ass without justifying.

  23. So she does everything that men say they want in a wife & she still got shit on for it. No appreciation or love in return. Now, she is treating you the way you treated her & you don’t like it.

  25. Dude, you’ve been IGNORING YOUR WIFE FOR MONTHS SND THEN YOU SNAPPED AT HER THAT HER LOVE ANNOYS AND STRESS YOU??
    She is checking out of the relationship and since you don’t even think about apologizing, this speaks volumes.
    And it’s been WEEKS and still no apology.
    You’re a major jerk.
    She’s probably planning to walk out and maybe someone will appreciate her

  26. I have zero sympathy for you.

    You came to Reddit for sympathy after attempting to condition your wife into believing that being treated like garbage constitutes a healthy marriage.

    You chose your job over your wife.

    You pump and dumped your wife (likely numerous times), all while admitting that you knew your marriage was falling apart.

    Had you wanted to repair the issues with your wife, you’d have committed to action a long time ago.

    You’re acting upset by the orders that you gave yourself. You told your wife to stop being a wife, and then are acting shocked when she did what you asked.

    You get no sympathy from me. If I get downvoted for this, I’m totally ok with that. That won’t make it any less correct.

  27. Dude is getting everything he could ever want in a partner and this is how he handles it…the nerve of some people bro

  28. Are you actually sorry that you were shitty and upset her – or are you sorry she isn’t being your cuddly lap dog any more?

    From your post it’s not entirely clear.

    YTA big time.

    You’ve broken her, she’s probably getting ready to leave. Don’t blame her.

  29. You can apologize, but the damage is done. Your wife now knows how you truly feel about her affections & that sex is the only thing you’re not too tired for. I hope she divorces you because you’re an ungrateful AH.

    There were SO many alternative things you could’ve said to voice your feelings, but no, you chose to stomp on her feelings like yours are the priority.

  30. No time to talk to her but enough time to have sex with her. Of course. That is her duty after all. To serve you and be meek and quiet. She gave you what you wanted and you’re still not happy. its still not enough for you.

    And why would you talk to her about your need to decompress before having a conversation about your day? She should just know!

    Your whole post is about you, you you you. Never once do you even mention giving a shit about how your wife feels. Not once. Its all about you. She’s come to realize that and is now deciding whether she wants or can live this way for the rest of her life.

    The fact that she’s still having sex with you at all gives me the ick. But she is doing her wifely duties for the king of the castle and then giving you the space you want.

    Another man who doesn’t actually like his wife. Hopefully she’ll decide she wants more and deserves better.

  31. So… you basically told us you’re tired of her… BUT keep expecting sex like if she was some kind of vending machine… and didn’t consider until she turned her back on you that you were doing wrong.

    Also for the post I can see you DIDNT APOLOGIZE YET?

    Wow dude… just WOW.

  32. You did more damage than you realise. You weren’t talking to your wife, so she was holding up your entire connection by herself. She was talking so much because she wanted to communicate with you, her husband, and you told her to stop. You told her you weren’t willing to maintain your relationship, and that you wanted her to stop maintaining it too. So she did.

    Your wife loved you. Probably still does. But she doesn’t feel loved at all by you right now. She’s completely shut down emotionally and is just going through the motions, same as you. You don’t like the way she’s behaving now? Bad news buddy, this is how you’ve been acting towards her for much longer than this.

    If you want to fix this, you need to start by apologising, and then you need to take up the work that she has been doing. You need to be the one talking about your day, you need to be the one asking to cuddle after sex, you need to be the one who rebuilds the foundation of your relationship that she spent so long trying to repair and maintain.

    Marriages aren’t something you just acquire and then have forever like a certificate of achievement. They require work, emotional work, and you haven’t been pulling your weight.

  33. So now that she is treating you the way you’ve been treating her, you understand why treating your partner that way is wrong.

  34. Wait a minute.

    Unless I’m misunderstanding this, it sounds like you still have the energy to have sex but no energy for your wife’s emotional needs?

    Dude, stop using your wife like a pocket pussy. No wonder she’s pulling away.

  35. When someone starts pulling away like this, it’s because they’ve learned from their experiences with you that you’ll just dismiss their concerns or ignore them completely. She’s already checking out dude, you gotta scramble if you want any chance to keep her around. Unfortunately, it sounds like you didn’t even consider an apology or changing your behavior before lamenting to internet strangers, so it’s not looking good for you, man.

  36. I went through something like this in my past relationship. If I saw that he was upset, I’d always try to comfort him or ask him what was wrong. He ended up snapping and yelling at me for doing so instead of just leaving him alone. This hurt me to my core. I stopped asking him how he was, if he was okay or anything like that. I simply started just waiting until he would update me on his feelings. Then he later got upset with me BECAUSE I had stopped doing those things. He would always say, “It’s like you don’t care about me. You don’t check on me.” I can attest to the fact that I never got the urge to do it again, even after he begged me to, and this ended up being one of the reasons our relationship failed. I stopped caring.

  37. Do you even like your wife? Because from what you wrote, it doesn’t seem like it. It’s all about you. Your feelings. Your hard days. Your sadness about fucking up what was your emotional support.

    Just know, from very similar personal experience, that your reaction to her affection will echo through her head for a very long time. It likely permanently changed her entire view of you and you shouldn’t be surprised when she leaves.

  38. Interesting that you still had sex with her but didn’t want her to speak, cuddle, kiss, or for her to ask about your day because you were tired.

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