What’s the most alone you’ve ever felt?

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1. for me it was just now crawling into bed after an emotional day, longing for someone to hold me. I have a heating pad under my bed for period pains and plugged the damn thing in, turned to my side and draped it over my shoulder and upper back just to feel like someone who cared about me had me in their arms 🥺

2. This is gonna be dark. Actually, this very moment. I got married earlier this year, and for some reasons, I feel that I made the wrong choice. I wasn’t sure I want to get married because of our previous problems but still did it anyway. Generally the marriage is fine, although I’m not happy and I can’t stop thinking of the “what ifs”. What if I wasn’t married, what if I just cut ties with my husband a long time ago, what if I didn’t jump to this relationship in the first place, and I keep feeling sad about it.

   Separating is out of the question because of our backgrounds, so now I just feel stuck. And the most messed up things I do to make myself feel better is to tell myself “in the next life, I’ll be happy.”

   I can’t tell anyone in real life, so I guess I’m just getting it out here where nobody knows who I am.

3. the first few weeks after my son was born. My husband had to go back to work so I was up all night by myself caring for this new little person. I cried so much, lol.

4. When I am around friends

5. In 2019 one of my best friends passed away and I felt very alone. I had fallen out with our old friends we had when we all were roommates before I moved out on my own and so when he passed away I just had to grieve alone. My new friends were caring but they didn’t understand the pain I was in. He and I lived together and I helped raise his kids for their first couple years. He had taken me in when I graduated highschool and had no where to go. He would sell me smokes for 5 dollars when I wasn’t old enough to buy them. He would feed when I was broke. He would talk with me through anything. My boyfriend at the time was abusive and I said something to my friend about it and the next day he went up to my boyfriend and told him if he ever heard or saw him put his hands on me he’d kill him. Writing this now makes me feel alone. I miss him very much and I wish he was still alive. He has two beautiful children out there who will never know that their father had such an impact on someone’s life.

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7. First week in a different city when I went to university. I had family in that city, so I wasn’t really alone, but it did feel like that living by myself for the first time.

8. My first few weeks in my condo after I separated from my now ex-husband.

   I had to start over. I had no furniture except an air mattress, a camping chair, a tv, and a ps4. It was just before Thanksgiving, and I visited my daughter at my exes home because I didn’t want her to see my “home so empty”. It was so hard to come back to such an empty place with no one there, no animals, blank walls, and so much silence. I ended up calling a mental health line due to the thoughts I was having.

9. I’ve been living by myself for about 10 years now (I’m 32) and always thought I was great on my own. For the longest time, it seemed that way too. But over these last few years (where Covid didn’t help as well) I find myself getting more and more lonely and wishing I had someone with me at home.

   Over the years, more and more painful events and truths like death, slowly losing friends because they get married and get children and more often getting FOMO, have been eating at me more than I’d like.