I am married. My husband (27M) complains when I work overtime that we don’t tend to our marriage enough. States that he feels lonely which I can understand as I work night shift. But we are broke between bills and daycare and I am the only one able to work overtime as my husband has a salary job. Since I moved out at 18 I have always been comfortable, never having to worry about money. I have always been a hustler who did what needed to be done to make ends meet and to have what I want. I am tired of arguing over this. I just want to go back to being comfortable. I work my full time job (3 12hr shifts a week) and pick up 1-2 8hr shifts to pay for daycare. Has anyone ever been in this situation? What am I supposed to do. My husband is comfortable with doing the bare minimum and budgeting to make that work but I am not. It’s making me extrememely depressed especially bc I can just work to make enough so that we can get out of debt. At this rate we will never be out of credit card debt which is something I am not used to. Any advice is welcome. I have talked to my therapist and she reccomended financial counseling which we of course cannot afford right now.
23 comments
What was the plan when you got married
I am salaried and overtime is a thing. Sounds like you are the one busting your ass to provide 🤷♂️🫢
Financial planning is vital for relationships.
How many kids do you all have? Is he willing to get a 2nd job?
How much do you make and what does he do . Daycare is expensive but will
Be better when they start school
.
I see you are depressed but if you get divorced it wil get worse .
One of the best things my husband and I did for our marriage was financial counseling. Traditional counseling was not working because the problem was our spending and goals not lining up. Counseling might be expensive so look into money management workbooks to do together. Also check out Ramit Singh Sethi. He has a show on Netflix called How to get Rich. He helps couples (and signals) talk about money and what their money goals are. My husband and I just watched it and we were able to talk about some issues we were having again. It really takes away the stress between us.
2 words Dave Ramsey
If you make less than $200k a year, your wife doesn’t respect you, you all can get mad and down vote but it’s the truth, my friends who make that money have flourishing marriages, where as the ones making $80k-$120k are constantly fighting with their wives, don’t even think about dating unless you are making $200K+ a year fellas
Sorry you have these stresses
You both have a diff mindset about money. No matter how much you make, it seems he will always be content with less. You like to have abundance, he is okay scrounging. At least it seems that way. Neither are wrong. Just two polar opposite mindsets on money.
You take his belongings pack a bag for him and set it out on the lawn or on the curb. Have a separation. You don’t need him, he needs you. Remember that.
Could you & your husband compromise? He is fine with you making less $ & paying less towards debt if that means he sees you more often. You would prefer to work more because it stresses you out to have this debt & financial uncertainty.
Neither of you are wrong and neither of you are right. You have different stresses & different priorities. So how can you compromise? ie: maybe every other week you only take 1 extra shift and make sure there are at least 1 or 2 evenings spent with your husband? maybe you can switch a couple shifts to be home more in the evenings? maybe you both can adjust certain spending for a short time frame so that you can cut back on 1 extra shift per week & still pay down debt? (ie: if he can’t work more to help with the finances, what else can he do? cut other expenses?) Maybe you agree to a timeframe for this extra work or to slow down the debt repayment slightly (ie: until your child is in school)? If he is missing sitting around chatting with you, maybe you can have breakfast together in the morning? There has to be a way to meet in the middle. You need to spend time with your husband to maintain your relationship but he can’t also expect you to not work any extra shifts & carry that financial uncertainty that affects you differently than him.
I get where you are coming from, I really do. When I was in my early 20’s, we were broke ass college students. I was working full-time to put hubs thru school. I decided to get a PT job as well. No cell phones, didn’t have a home computer, I was bored AF in the evenings … why not work a little more so we didn’t have to pinch every damn penny? Hubs hated the idea. “But I would miss you! I want you here in the evenings with me!” “What are you going to be doing in the evenings?” “Studying or at school working on projects.” “Ok, so you expect me to sit at home in our little apt with our B&W TV (& no cable) and do what? Watch you study? So you aren’t lonely?” Our compromise was that my PT job would be only 12 to 15 hrs / week & we’d do date nights every Saturday night. (this was before kids so it was easier). Hopefully you can find a way to see each other’s POV & compromise.
If you’ve always been comfortable how did you get into cc debt?
Welcome to Capitalism baby.
Now this virus is spreading across the world thanks to the USA.
What would I do? Start a home business. I’m a writer from home and make a full-time salary. I know people that make jewelry and sell it online, they make pretty good money. I also know people that flip stuff on Poshmark & do well with it. There’s actually thousands of different jobs you can run from your house… But the problem is your husband’s not going to want you to take time away from him at home either!
You two are fundamentally different. You want to work as much as needed to be comfortable and I’m assuming save some money and have nice things. Your husband just wants to get by. So instead of just letting you do your thing which he would obviously be able to enjoy the fruits of your labor because you are married and lived together… But he actually wants to hold you back! He obviously needs financial counseling because he’s digging you into a deeper hole! Like why doesn’t he have a part-time job on the weekends? It’s like he wants to live this life where he only has to work so much but then he wants to spend more than y’all make and have a lifestyle that requires you all to work more. Lol make that make sense!
If I were you I would cut up his credit cards! No using credit cards until they’re completely paid off! The only way to use credit effectively is to pay off your statement balance in full every month! Otherwise you pay interest. If you’re paying interest then there’s no use in having the credit card because you’re paying many times more for everything you buy! Especially if you’re paying minimum payments lol
I don’t know it just bothers me that he’s not willing to take the extra steps to make you guys comfortable and he’s not willing to let you take the extra steps to make your family comfortable. Are you sure he’s not keeping you broke for some reason?
Well clearly your priorities are not aligned at all, and you should have a serious talk with him about that. It doesn’t seem like you’re asking for much, you just want to live without having to worry about not having enough for basic needs. This is also destroying your mental health which will lead to many other problems you do not need right now, so I really suggest having this talk as soon as possible. I would start off by expressing how much of a toll it is taking on you and that you can’t keep living in this current cycle. There has to be a happy medium that can work for you both, and he clearly wants that since he wants you around more. I believe it would be reasonable for him to find something part time for at least twice a week. It should cut your OT time in half which will let you spend more time together. For sure he needs to do more even if he is comfortable with the current situation you are not and that alone should be enough for him to change his opinion on the matter.
Don’t let him talk you out of it either. Press this matter as much as you can. It’s important for you and his future.
I would do separate finances with the husband. He’s not on the same page as you.
I am not sure I have a great picture of your situation. But I’ll give it a try. I think you and I are around the same financial bracket which helps because I understand how little the lower 6 figures actually is these days. I really have no idea how people make it on less and daycare is ridiculous.
You live comfortably but not enough to make huge dents in your debt. Is it credit card debt or mortgage/car loan debt? I would assume both. Based on your other comments I feel like the credit card debt isn’t yours and perhaps there is some resentment there towards that. It would explain why your husband is rather comfortable with just letting it linger because maybe he is used to it. It’s hard to live these days making less than 6 figures and not acquire some credit card debt.
Basically you and your husband aren’t on the same page and that gives you anxiety. He needs more connection and is okay with slowly chipping away at the debt and you can’t give that connection until you feel free of that debt. That’s a recipe for disaster because neither of you are happy. If you guys sat down and calculated what you needed to get out of it, he might see a light at the end of the tunnel and be willing to endure even less time together knowing there would come a point he could have more time with you. Help him understand that a short time of pain might open up a long time of pleasure. Besides working together to accomplish a hurdle can be a great way to bond also.
So force a conversation and really ask him to engage and be present. Look into maybe getting a loan consolidation that’s significantly less than the credit card APR. Roll all those payments into one and save money on the interest. Just be careful not to add anything back into the credit cards while you do that. Absolutely zero.
Look for balance transfer opportunities that have zero APR for a significant amount of time and budget exactly how much you can break off and start taking chucks out of the debt. Just be careful and read the fine print and any fees or balloon interest at the end of the term if nothing’s paid completely off.
I wish there was a way you could channel that daycare monthly payment into your debt.
Check your local library for free finance classes. They may be basic but it could be a start.
Give him an ultimatum to make changes and to work with you, or else drop his uncooperative 🫏.
Every relationship at some point has financial struggles at one point or another. And I totally understand that being broke all the time sucks. But at some point you and your husband are going to need to sit down with each other and look at your expenses in totality and find out what you can and cannot afford so as to pay off your debts and get yourselves in a good place financially. So while you both may not want to sacrifice the things you are spending op money one. At some point, something has to give and honestly is ending your marriage really worth it in terms of making sure money is never an issue?
I think you need to have that exact speech that you just typed with him. Make bullet point notes in your phone so you don’t forget and just talk calmly so emotions don’t get out of control. Good luck you got this hustler.
Talk to each other and remember you’re a team.
“Till death due us part. For richer or poor”
Your values are not aligned. Resentment will continue to build, particularly if you are making an outsize contribution. You do need financial counselling and budget. He will likely have to do more than bare minimum unless you both forego the lifestyle you want.