My boyfriend (36M) and I (32F) have been together 5 years, living together for 3. During the time we’ve been together, two of his close friends have moved to different states and his best friend moved away a few years before I met him. This has, understandably, made him very sad. He still has friends here that he talks to often, they just aren’t as close as the ones who left. He has also been feeling like his job has been really stagnant lately and he wants to quit but feels like he can’t because he just bought a house (buying a house was entirely his idea, btw). So he’s stressed out and sad, in addition to just being incredibly anxious all the time. When we first started dating he liked his job and hung out with his friends often and everything was fine. But in the last few years, what with the pandemic and his remaining friends getting married and starting families and having less time to hang out, and his job going nowhere, his mental state has been bad. I feel like all the responsibility for his mental wellbeing has fallen on me. He frequently has mental breakdowns where he shuts down and won’t engage with me and he gets so stressed out about the smallest things. I’ve suggested therapy several times but he refuses to go and says he doesn’t need it. I try to be positive around him, I do all the house chores and take care of our pets so he doesn’t have to, but it seems like nothing I do is enough because he is constantly finding new things to be stressed out about. For example, he always complains about the landscaping around the house and how the idea of maintaining it stresses him out. But he doesn’t take care of our landscaping. I do. But if I weed he’ll complain about the bushes not being trimmed. When I trim the bushes he’ll complain about the bugs and how we should rip out all the plants close to the house so bugs won’t come in. Our house doesn’t even have a bug problem aside from the occasional spider in the basement. It’s exhausting. And he does this with everything.
I’m an extreme introvert and I’m happy to just be by myself for most of the day. He knows this and he says he’s fine with me needing to be alone. But he needs to be doing something or he needs to be around someone at all times, even though he claims to also be an introvert. We do hang out in the evenings after work, and we both work from home so I’m always around if he needs me.
I also have a history of depression and anxiety. Trying to make him happy while also trying to maintain my own mental stability is exhausting. I am not mentally well enough to be constantly making sure he’s not going to implode. He’s in a bad mood ALL THE TIME and it is exhausting to be around. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him and I don’t want to break up with him. How do I help him?
TL/DR: My boyfriend is anxious and in a bad mood all the time and I don’t know how to help him.
2 comments
Understand that my own parents deal with mental illness in their relationship, but i really think you can not take on management of you partners’ MI *for* them. You can only support them in carrying that *themself*.
When you look at things you can do for him, focus on this that support him in making good choices for *his own mental health*.
When he does nothing, it throws the relationship off balance. Each of you has to take care of *yourselves* so you can take care of each other.
This is a situation where you’re gonna need to grow a spine (at least temporarily) and make it clear that his mental health needs fixing if he expects you to stick around for the long term.
As a partner you can help him navigate depressive episodes, but only if he himself actually wants to address them. If he can’t even decide that there is a problem or that he wants to fix it, it’s going to remain an uphill battle.
You can own being a helper here but you can’t own his emotions for him. Maybe therapy is the answer, maybe it isn’t. But for sure he needs to say what he wants to do.