I don’t even know where to start. I came home from work early because I’ve felt like vomiting all day after I found out this morning, and I couldn’t be around people anymore.
My wife and I both use Reddit, and usually it’s no harm…things like AITA etc and we often show each other or read off funny things we find. Last night, we’re sitting on the couch and I’m playing a game and I see she’s on Reddit, but typing sometimes and smiling. I’m all like “babe what’re you posting” and she shows me a random post that’s not her but then goes to the bathroom saying she’s having stomach issues after a couple min with her phone and stays there for a while. It’s pretty clear she’s typing and not wanting me to see, but I try not to think too much on it. We trust each other and I don’t want to invade her privacy. She doesn’t come back to the couch and says she’s going to bed (very early for her) and I join her later and see she’s still occasionally looking at her phone. But I’m exhausted and pass out.
When I wake up today, I have the strangest feeling inside me. Like I know something is horribly wrong and it has to do with last night. I really shouldn’t have done this when I had this presentation at work today, but I can’t help it. When she’s in the shower, I snoop on her phone. I don’t have much time, but I look on her Reddit account. Turns out she has a couple throwaway accounts where she’s all up sexting with guys. I am almost throwing up typing this. It’s so disgusting. I see dick pics, her boobs, explicit fantasies, etc etc
Like seriously wtf. Is this real? I don’t think she knows these people judging by the age of the messages. I never expected this from the mother of my kids in a million years. In some way, this feels worse than if she were sexting with a friend or coworker. Like how does she get off on people that she doesn’t even know?? Am I that shitty of a husband where she needs attention on this low level? Where me telling her she’s beautiful and making love to her in person isn’t enough and she needs it from strangers? It’s not like we don’t have an active sex life. It’s not like we’re not kinky and engaging in things that give her pleasure. I keep thinking this is all a dream.
I didn’t have much time to snoop, but I took pics of some of the worst texts with my phone. I went into her texts and email but didn’t see anything. I didn’t have much time to look though because she was done with the shower. I was numb and didn’t confront her. I basically just left for work and yelled I was late and that’s it, whereas we usually get our kids ready together I say a proper goodbye.
Now I’ve been sitting at home alone for the past hour not knowing what to do. I know the smart thing is to wait to snoop more before I confront her, but I don’t think I have the patience for it. I also am not even sure what to do about this. Is this actually cheating for real? Is there any hope that this meant nothing to her and she can stop? Fuck, I don’t even know if I would have the strength to leave her if she can’t. What are the chances that random sexts are it and she hasn’t ever met up with anyone in person? I’m so disgusted right now.
13 comments
OP,
Man, I’m sorry you’re going through this!
The only way you’re going to know is to sit down and confront her. The best way is to describe your feelings and concerns. OR show her what you typed out above. You’ve done a good job explaining how you feel without name calling or anything else.
Marriage counseling would be a good idea. If she defers, you can always send your evidence to her parents (unless they don’t like you).
Yikes. Sharing explicit pics is definitely crossing some boundaries in my marriage. You need to talk about it with your wife. Sharing intimate pics with anyone other than my husband is something I would consider cheating, yes. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds like your gut instincts are on point.
Firstly, I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
As to your question, most people would hold the view that this constitutes infidelity. She is engaging intimately and exchanging photos with people outside the marriage and behind your back, no less.
As to what to do, you will need to confront her with the information you’ve gleaned from her phone. You’ll need her to share everything, be completely candid. Were I you, I’d need cast iron assurances that this had not transitioned to in person infidelity. And I’d want access to her devices and socials right now – not in an hour, not tomorrow after she’s had chance to clean up her DMs.
Assuming you wish to continue the relationship, I’d want to set clear boundaries moving forward. Personally, as minimum, I’d suggest that should include an open device/phone policy.
Firstly yes I would consider that cheating. Even if nothing physical has happened, these are the steps leading up to it and it’s the direction she is heading.
As for snooping, don’t feel any guilt whatsoever. She’s your wife so she should have nothing to hide.
As for confronting her, don’t. You’re in no state to be doing it. Take a few days , think carefully and plan what you’re going to do. Gather more evidence etc because who knows what’s she’s getting up to. If you jump into confronting her now you might regret it. For instance she will delete stuff and put extra security on her phone.
If she asks what’s wrong tell her you’re not feeling well.
Sorry OP it is unequivocally cheating. Something like that would need to be negotiated/discussed for it not to be cheating.
Be careful confronting. If you think more could have happened (all you have stated is most certainly cheating and damn sure enough to divorce over) like she actually might have physically cheated, if you confront now she will take it underground so far you might never find the truth. That is if you need more. This would be far more than enough for me to rethink the entire relationship and start divorce.
UpdateMe!
So while I agree that sharing explicit images with strangers on the internet without your knowledge is crossing a trust line, I personally don’t hold this at the same level of infidelity as physically cheating, or even sharing images with someone personally known to her.
This is definitely grounds for a serious conversation regarding trust and boundaries, and I am not minimizing how you feel, but I’ll say that in my marriage, being how well we do together in all other areas, this would not be a terminal misstep for me. It would prompt a long serious talk where boundaries would be set and expected.
I’m so sorry for what’s happening to you. Cheating is whatever violates the fidelity agreement between the two of you, so if you think having intimate conversations and exchanging explicit pictures with random strangers online is cheating, it is cheating.
I would suggest that you take the time to gather your thoughts and strength before you confront her. No one knows if she’s going to be remorseful or not, but you should know what you want before you can enter into any conversation with her.
Keep calm and gather more evidence. You may need to get VAR for her car or just hire a PI
I’m sorry
Yeah I’d regard that as cheating. Time to get a lawyer.
Trust your instinct
Updateme!