I need advice and perspective. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have two kids. Overall, life is good. But I have two problems that I’ve recently discovered.
Issue 1: I came across a social media page my H had “liked” that was all mostly naked/bikini clad women. I then looked through his phone and found many searches of similar pages. I was very upset and of course he claimed he didn’t know how he had liked the page, which is obviously BS. I didn’t mention all the other searches I found because I didn’t want to admit to looking through his phone. But he was apologetic, assured me he loves me and is attracted to me, etc. I really didn’t feel much better. So I’ve spent the past few weeks feeling awful
about myself. I cannot compare to or compete with online models and porn and whatever else he’s looking at. I am a mom. I take care of myself and I’m not overweight, but I definitely don’t look like I did when we got married. I’m just a normal person. I would need thousands of dollars of plastic surgery to even come close to those women. He said I’m perfect the way I am, he wouldn’t want that, blah blah blah. Whatever. Then why is he looking at them? No one could look at that stuff and then me and want anything to do with me.
Issue 2: I’ve still been upset and decided to look through his phone again. I looked through his messages and found one from over a decade ago. It’s from some girl he shares mutual friends with, but I don’t know her. She went on about herself and then asked to send him pictures. And he replied with his email address!! I almost threw up. I was a SAHM with a baby at the time of this message. I am livid right now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to blow up my family.
How can I even bring this up to him? How can I begin to process and move forward? I am asking for level-headed advice and thoughts because I can’t even think straight.
6 comments
i’m sorry to hear about this. i guess it’s been a while…..
This might be hard to understand, but men (and some women) often look at photos and videos as part of masturbation or just fantasizing. It does not mean at all that they don’t love you or aren’t attracted to you. It really doesn’t. The notion that when people get married, they should lose all attraction to others is simply not reasonable. That said, there is a big difference from looking at sexy photos or porn and acting on that by meeting with people. It sounds like you have no evidence that he has actually done anything like have sex outside the marriage.
Try not to go overboard on this. I get it that it hurts, but assuming the two of you still have sex and still have a positive relationship, looking or liking photos is not a biggie. I’d be will to bet 95% of men do this, and it doesn’t diminish their love for their spouses.
Sounds like you need some mental help. Maybe look into a therapist
Probably need to have have a conversation about this.
Can’t pack these emotions down and hope they go away.
Idgaf what people say, but moms are hot. They’re mature, experienced, grounded… They’re real. Real is sexy.
Far more real than some IG models who know nothing about the world and get by with highly filtered and photoshopped images.
Ones a fantasy, the other is a reality.
Anyways, talk about your feelings. Let him know you’re hurting because of this. You don’t want your husband looking at online images of other women (totally reasonable).
Deal with that conversation and put it to rest.
Afterwards, I assume you two will likely need to reconnect with each-other sexually.
Go back to having dates again. Get all dressed up for each-other. Bring back the flirting. Tap out of that Mom mode for a moment and into GF mode (same goes for him), and reignite the spark between each-other.
Then take it from there.
Your husband’s behavior is not okay, plain and simple. Liking and searching for explicit content while in a committed relationship is a betrayal of trust. His excuses and reassurances are just empty words. It’s not about how you look or comparing yourself to others, it’s about his lack of respect for you and your relationship.
And finding that old message where he willingly shared his email address with another woman? That’s a major red flag. It’s a clear indication that he has a history of inappropriate behavior.
You need to confront him about both issues and have an honest conversation. Express your feelings and set boundaries. But be prepared for the possibility that he may not take it seriously or try to brush it off. In that case, you have to decide if you’re willing to tolerate this kind of behavior and stay in a relationship where your trust is constantly being violated.
Remember, you deserve respect and loyalty in a relationship. Don’t settle for anything less.
I am of two minds about the first point.
Following women is kind of gross. But not that different from porn. My question in these cases is always, is it a dead bedroom? Does he get turned down for sex and intimacy a lot? Do you send him sexy texts and nudes and flirt and initiate? Does he feel rejected? Is he filling a void?
I’ve been in his shoes as a woman and it sucks. And no, I didn’t follow thirst traps or watch porn, but after 20 years I DID leave.
You are allowed to forbid that kind of thing. And you are allowed to leave him if he does not respect that. But be aware if men are neglected sexually and the only sex you have is enough for you and not for him…..there’s going to be issues.
As for the second point….yeah that’s blatant cheating. Asking a live woman you know for nudes when you are not in a relationship where that’s allowed is straight up cheating. And even a dead bedroom is no excuse. If he was so unhappy, he should have left. (Not saying he was in a dead bedroom or unhappy, just saying, a person should always leave instead of cheat)
You have to decide what you will do now. He did what he did. Can you stay with him?