TL;DR My[23M] girlfriend[22F] of 2 years is leaving me, because I wasn’t ready to move in yet because of a recent incident with her parents. We have been dating since college and things are getting serious between us, but things changed after this incident. We both come from very conservative parents and both our parents are giving us hell for us dating in the first place.
She has been suggesting to move in together for a while but I have been evading that since this will create a lot of tension with my family much more than hers. My suggestion was to wait till we can move to another country where its actually possible to settle in (I’ll at least be financially stable and independent from my family).
Recently a fight occurred between her and her family about us dating that almost got her kicked out, and she blamed me for not suggesting to move in with her ( I again asked her if she could wait for 3-4 months) since I will be getting the ability to relocate in January and she would be done from college. But she kept accusing me of not having her back in this situation and now wants to leave me.
I understand I am at fault here for not moving in with her and I truly wanna do that, it’s just that we come from a very conservative families and I’m honestly not ready yet for that. Who is at fault here ? Does she have the right to leave me because I’m a coward (not ready) ? Or is her behavior too pressuring because I feel so.
Thank you all for time, appreciate all the advice and I’m happy to answer any questions you have. ❤️
5 comments
You’re not “at fault.”
It seems that you’ve thought through the situation, and come up with a solid strategy (move in together after January).
Make sure your girlfriend knows that you have this plan.
If she realizes that the current situation will only last a few more months, she’ll be better able to endure it.
Don’t blame yourself for this or think you are “at fault”. The reality of the situation is that you are under no obligation to move in with your gf if you do not feel you are ready to. Nobody can force you to do so or blame you for it.
Its hard to say what is the right course of action moving forward but since you both are facing a lot of resistance from both sets of parents, this can pose a lot of future problems. And you both should be having each other’s backs instead of turning on each other and pinning fault on each other.
She has a right to leave you for any reason whatsoever. I understand your parental influence, but you’re *already* in a position where it’s “possible to settle in”, you just need to assert yourself despite your parents’ opinions, and you’re unwilling or unable to do that. *They* aren’t stopping you, you’re stopping yourself. Once you move out you could flat out tell them that you won’t tolerate them “giving you hell” and hang up the phone or similar. If you can’t or won’t do that, she’s not wrong that you don’t have her back. It’s been two years and you’re more afraid of your parents than you’re willing to take a step with her that you apparently want to take. “In a few months”, “if we move” etc. just sound like excuses, because you could do it **now**…you just aren’t.
You are under no obligation to move in with your girlfriend before you are ready to do so. That being said, your girlfriend is under no obligation to stay in this relationship, especially if she faces the risk of being kicked out. She can no longer date you and stay in her current residence. You can break up and revisit in January when you are able to move out or you can stay together and move now. It’s not fair to expect her to risk homelessness to wait on you.
You aren’t at fault for not doing something you weren’t ready to do. She was hoping to use you as an escape plan for her current situation, and dumped you when she couldn’t. Move on with your life.