I’ve previously gone through periods of my (44F) marriage where I’ve lost interest in my partner sexually for a month or so due to not getting along, but still retained my libido and masturbated regularly. But something is markedly different this time.
I’ve had a rough stretch of catching my partner lying about a series of things. No adultery, just withholding and lying about social plans, travel plans etc. But it’s happened enough times that my mind said “OK – enough.”
I now feel like can’t look at my partner sexually during the period, but I also seem to have entirely stopped thinking about sex. I used to have sexual dreams, sometimes wake up wet, or just feel the urge to masturbate. It’s been two months now and that part of me just feels dead.
I don’t know it’s hormonal changes, or maybe I’m depressed about my relationship… I don’t know. I’ve just never felt this asexual before.
Can anyone relate to this?
36 comments
I’m the same way. The angry part of my brain and the sexy part turn each other off.
I can certainly relate to the loss of libido during my periods of depression. As you say, that part of me has been dead at times. I’ve also encountered performance issues when trying to be intimate with my wife.
That a sign it’s time to move on. If you were horny and ready for makeup sex that’s a sign you are moving forward. No libido means you probably see no future and you should address it immediately before you waste any more time.
Nope, never. And weve had some pretty intense rows. I dont hold grudges.
You might want to get your hormone levels checked. Perimenopause can cause a lack of libido.
I’m built that way too. My SO can be all sorts of upset and then be ready to throw down in the sheets like she flipped a switch and I’m simply incapable of it. Mildly in awe as well, that would be a nice feature to have.
(Subconsciously) “I will teach him to argue, be a dick etc…” “he doesn’t deserve a sexual relationship” “I will withhold from him”
I have been on the receiving end. I work away occasionally to put food on the table and a decent sized roof over our heads and to take holidays abroad.
When I come back, am I welcomed with open arms, did she miss me? Nope I am punished for being away for a few days.
“Having a holiday”
Due to my level of education traveling with my job is the only way to earn a decent wage that allows my wife to work part time.
It’d be great if people realized that the biggest sexual organ for a woman is the brain. Stress, conflict, overwhelm, relationship issues … these can all “put the brakes on” a person’s libido. Sounds like that’s what’s happening.
Yep! When things aren’t good that’s the last person I want to have sex with
For some people fighting will actually trigger sexual arousal. But in your case the lying is triggering trust issues and a form of detachment which is actually a very logical response. It’s tied into your feeling of safety and comfort with that person who has been lying to you. You are emotionally detaching from them and not aroused by them due to their behavior. This is your body’s response to a psychological process that is very off-putting to you. And it’s probably doing this to warn you that this person is not someone that you should be with because now your body is responding to minimize the degree of contact you have with this person in a very specific way.
I 100% feel this. For me it’s about the lack of trust the constant dishonesty creates. I have a really hard time being open and vulnerable with someone I don’t trust. And for me, feeling emotionally safe is really important for me to have great sex. But I don’t feel emotionally safe with a liar. Why would I? That translates into some weird aversions about all things love and sex related. I lose interest in romantic books or movies (because they’re all bullshit in my mind and make me angry). Porn, masturbation and sex have similar aversions too. I get annoyed cuz that all seems like bullshit too. And then a get sad because I can’t imagine a world where I’ll feel safe enough to actually enjoy sex again. The only thing that has worked for me is to rebuild the trust. But that can be a very hard uphill battle.
Edit for clarity.
Yes absolutely. I’m always physically attracted to my wife, but can be turned off completely by the way she acts from time to time. I’m 46, and it’s happened a handful of times, where I’m just fed up with her for the moment and don’t want to have sex.
It’s juvenile I know, but I think it’s also very normal. We’ve been married 19 years and we go through our small ebbs and flows of sexual desire like any other couple.
Um yes. I think that’s pretty normal; especially for women.
I don’t think it’s abnormal to be sexually disinterested in a partner who is lying to you on multiple occasions. One of the benefits of long term sexual intimacy is being able to fully trust the person and your partner has damaged that. Your relationship needs to recover before you can feel excited about sex with him.
Hormonal stuff could be a factor too! Come visit over at r/menopause -lots of women there between 35-60 sharing their struggles and solutions.
Completely normal. Your sexual side is connected to your current partner and when he turns you off enough it turns off your entire sexual side. The brain has basically connected the two (sex=him, so disliking him=disliking sex). 100% normal.
Obviously whether it returns or not depends on if you guys figure out your issues and/or the issues have put you in a longer-term depression causing a suppression of the libido. But no need to worry about hormones or if this is a normal reaction etc, it is a normal mental response resulting in a physical response.
Yeah when I lose respect I can’t bring myself to have a sexual attraction anymore. And lying is a fast way to lose my respect.
Sex is vulnerable. (Even more so for those of us with attachment issues). I’ve definitely been hurt by a partner enough that the thought of having sex ever again was nauseating and the thought of self pleasure, while not exactly revolting, was definitely something I had a strong aversion to.
FWIW having great sex now (different partner)
I literally just commented on this topic elsewhere! Absolutely, yes yes yes. My sex drive and attraction to a partner is 10,000% related to how connected we are outside of the bedroom. If we’re not getting along, not only do I not want to have sex with you, but I pretty much forget sex, even solo sex, exists.
This. All the time. Fighting is such a turn off…
Oh god I feel this so much as a married ~40 ish (on a much more micro/all-well-that-ends-well level).
It’s not often at all, but you wouldn’t believe how often my wife notices that I haven’t emptied the dishwasher or didn’t do some random ass low priority thing that day– at exactly sex-is-the-plan-o’clock.
It’s like 11:30 rolls around and there’s a list of small grievances that she has to exorcise and then she’s still in the mood. My angry brain pushes sexy brain right out the window and I’m just mad that this couldn’t have waited til morning or happened hours earlier. Still generally down to do the dirty- but it’s business sex at that point, pass on the aftercare.
Sounds like you’re depressed about your relationship
At 44 this could also be hormonal perimenopause or menopause…
I think sex and making love are two different things. When you are in a relationship and in love, then emotional issues like this where you feel cheated or devalued etc cause your libido to drop because it is a desire to”make love” to the person you are experiencing.
If you are having “sex” with someone, then it tends to be a purely physical attraction so the personality becomes less of an issue.
Lots of people still need a level of emotional attraction though, so it isn’t always quite so black and white.
In my first marriage we had plenty of issues that led to a reduced sex life, but in the last few years out sex life went through the roof. At the time I thought that we had worked through our problems and our relationship was solid, but in hindsight it was that my wife had checked out of the relationship, and we moved from “making love” to “fucking”. The irony was that it was the best sex we ever had (by orders of magnitude) because we were less inhibited and more selfish.
Yes. That’s why I have two EX husbands.
Trust. Safety. If you don’t feel those things. Then yeah
I can *pinpoint* the exact moment I lost all sexual interest in my ex.
We had been fighting a lot. Our relationship always had problems, but towards the end of the four years they were really amplified. I can’t recall every detail anymore, but basically he turned petty annoyances with me into invitations to tell me what he didn’t like about me, on a fundamental level.
One point of contention towards the end of our relationship was my change of appearance. I was a hyper-feminine “e-girl” in my late teens and early 20s. As I got older, I grew out of it. I toned down my makeup, I wore my comfortable clothes, and most horrifyingly to him, I stopped shaving my legs.
He straight up told me I had given up and he was embarrassed to be seen with me. I have a very distinct memory of looking at him in bed and thinking, I am DONE having sex with you.
He initiated a few times after that (funny since he was apparently so disgusted by me) and I turned him down. Maybe we had sex like one more time – I remember not enjoying it. Not having sex wasn’t as a punishment or anything, I was just completely icked out by him. I didn’t feel emotionally safe in the relationship anymore, and I resented the fuck out of him. We ended up slogging through a few more miserable months and then finally ended it.
For context, I generally have a *very* high sex drive. Always have. Having that part of me completely die was a very strange and depressing experience. With my new partner who actually respects and likes me, everything is back and better than ever. We could probably have sex every single day if we got to see each other that much.
What I’m trying to say is, it’s completely normal for your libido to be tied to your emotional well-being. Masturbating is far less involved than sex and only involves yourself, so it makes sense you would still be doing it. If you feel disrespected, ignored, hurt, whatever, by someone, it’s completely normal to not desire being physically vulnerable with them. Sometimes this can be repaired, sometimes it can’t.
Your partner is breaking your trust (Or so I would assume. Being lied to, and all). I think it’s 100% normal to be turned off to a person who’s doing this, spouse or not. It’s not attractive in the least, and that *will* translate to physical attraction as well. At least for most of us.
I’m the same, however it’s not normally a month, maybe a week?
Depends on the argument, if its a serious argument then a week, if its small then a day or 3, I have no idea what causes it, because once reconciled I can happily cuddle with them and love them etc, but the sexuality isn’t there
You are not safe emotionally. My libido deserted me for months as I headed into a break up. I remember saying to a gf that I was worried about it. But it came back when I was single again.
your tired of it and your body is telling you that. your sitting on the fence. this is my opinion but life is WAYYYY to short for this. its dead, this person literlly turns you off.
No. In a weird way when I’m upset with him I think about doing him more. It’s like my body is seeking out the connection and intimacy even more when it’s in jeopardy.
I’m in your age range, my business partners have mentioned that their wives are starting menopause. It’s possible that it’s a hormone issue this time.
Yes. The more damage the person causes, the less attraction I feel…until it’s lost forever. Once I’m no longer able to have physical intimacy with the person, it’s over. Sex is extremely important to me in a relationship. This is different than normal disagreements and arguments, I’m all for make up sex. I’m talking about damage…the kind of things that break your heart and shatter you. Continual lying can cause this kind of pain. Causing me pain only pushes me further away. You don’t hurt the people you love, I don’t understand why this is such a hard concept for people. Sex in the relationship is a reflection of how inlove I am. I’ll fall out of love if he continues to cause me pain. Without the love there’s no sex. End of the relationship.
Loss of libido can be a sign of depression or adjustment disorder. Additionally, you’ve stated the conflict with your spouse may be worse than the usual disagreement
Heck yeah! A crappy relationship is the worst thing for the libido. Constant bickering and stonewalling is a libido killer—it gets old and you don’t feel attracted to your guy or woman much the same anymore. It sucks
Yes.
Me and my ex for 6 years went for 2.5 years with no sex..
I got home from work one night and we decided to do the deed… It was the most awkward sexual experience I’ve had. And we broke up the next day.