I grew up in the Midwest US, and went to college a few states east. My girlfriend grew up in the deep South but went to the same college up north. We started dating late in college, and started going long distance when Covid struck and ended our senior year prematurely. We then spent about 10 months apart back in our hometowns while we looked for jobs and figured out our next steps.
My girlfriend ended up getting a job near her hometown, in a big city in the south. Since I wanted to be where she was, I focused my job hunt on the same city, and eventually found one there too, and we moved in together in early 2021.
The city where we are is not a place I would like to live in forever. GF used to say that she wanted to get out of the south someday and move somewhere else. And I am not a fan of the region where we are for a variety of reasons (politics, weather, traffic, etc.), so when I moved here last year, I didn’t envision it being a permanent thing as we just ended up here with our job situation. I imagined myself somewhere in the Midwest or Northeast due to it being more my style, along with it being where all of our friends from college are. But now my GF is changing her tune.
GF is now saying that she is starting to like it here more, likes being close to her family, likes the weather, all of that stuff, and thinks she wants to stay here for a long time/forever. Maybe buying a house a little bit further from the city so we are more in the country than in the suburbs. But this is just not what I really want.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not actively unhappy here. Everything is fine. And I’m not pushing her to move somewhere else. But I’d be lying if I said I really like living here and want to stay nearby. I just don’t have any real connection to the place where we are and think that our life could be better elsewhere (or at least MY life). The only reason I’m here is because she is, and the second she said she wanted to move somewhere else, I would be on board. I don’t feel comfortable saying that I really like it here and want to stay, because I don’t. I want to leave; not today or maybe even a year from now, but I don’t think I want to still be here in 5 or 10 or 30 years. I have mentioned this to her that I don’t really know if I want to stay here forever, and she gets upset at this, saying that I’m biased against the south and have purposely avoided looking for things to like since we moved a year and a half ago so that I can make a clean break.
I want to be with her above all else but I don’t know if I’ll be happy here in the long run, which is what she is indicating she wants. Is there anything I can do?
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**tl;dr**: GF and I moved to her hometown because of job circumstances, and I want to leave someday in the next few years but she doesn’t
3 comments
You want different things, you can leave now and still have time to enjoy your life where you want or you can stay with her and then divorce her 15 years from now when you have kids and a job and its too hard to leave.
Okay, two important factors need clarification. Is your current job good for your career? Is this girl “The One?”
If this girl is really THE one, and your career is aided by this position, you should give this area a real try.
If you two are planning the white picket fence and 2.2 kids then living near family is the easiest and best way to go. Seriously – having good family nearby changes the stage of a young family life completely.
It’s worth acknowledging that you have been half-out of this location and give it your full interest. What would you do differently if you knew you HAD to stay? Join clubs and meet-up groups? Volunteer? Coach? Explore more local attractions?
Do those things and show your GF that you are trying. If you still feel the same after a year, then you two have some really tough decisions where neither of you is going to be completely happy. But that is okay because relationships always mean compromise. Only you two will be able to decide if this relationship is worth the concessions you will have to make.
If you commit to staying there, you’re going to increasingly resent her everytime something you don’t like about the area happens.
On the flip side, if you both commit to moving away, she’s going to resent you everytime she misses her home.
Y’all either have to compromise and move somewhere more tolerable that also isn’t super far away from her home, or work this out through a counselor so you one of you doesn’t grow increasingly resentful of the other for forcing them to live somewhere they don’t want to live.
Or separate if you can’t reach an agreement (like if she doesn’t want to consider your feelings about it at all, that’s your cue to pull chocks).