Trigger warning: infidelity, sexual topics
Hey all-
I and a 29 year old female, and I have been dating my boyfriend (38) for about three years on and off. I have caught him in the weirdest lies throughout this time. Ranging from him sending me a picture that he’s out with his kid,driving him to the movies but no one was in the passenger seat in the reflection so he made a story he was bending over to pull up his socks…. Lied for a month about that and made me feel crazy til I was relentless and he caved. He’s lied about drinking, places he goes, and really little insignificant stuff too.
Well this isn’t the first time but once again I caught him on Sniffies and Grindr. Last time he was on these two sites he was also on a website for prostitutes and texted a bunch of them. I though this behavior was done. So then he tells me on his work trip a few weeks ago he did this too, and so I wouldn’t see his login, he bought a tablet at target that he threw away before coming home. I have his location and login passwords (which was part of the deal in staying together) so he couldn’t do it without having a different device.
This last time I saw weird login times on his Google history but no searches after or before. He lied like always the first 4 days and made me feel crazy for questioning. Then he made up two elaborate stories to explain why. Then after I kept pressing the issue, he finally broke and told me at least some truth.
I have been reading that a lot of girls are catching their guys on these platforms. I would like to say these circumstances aren’t common, but I keep seeing it. How would you deal with this situation? I know it has to be delicate because I think it’s either pointing to an addictive behavior or maybe that he’s just really wanted to explore his sexuality. So I want to be kind. But I’m also really angry and hurt.
I wouldn’t care if he were Bi- but it should’ve been disclosed at the beginning. And even if he is, he shouldn’t be cheating on me.
Should I suggest we go to counseling again? First counselor fired him for lying and said she sees some antisocial tendencies.
Yes- for those who are going to judge me, I know the right call is to break up. But it’s not as easy when someone has promised such an amazing future with you and slowly taken it away over time. Maybe it’s just a trauma bond. I don’t know.
TLDR: I keep catching my boyfriend on apps and websites designed for bi, curious, and gay men to hook up. He hasn’t met up with anyone but I keep catching him sending very detailed messages and pictures.
19 comments
Why the actual radioactive fuck are you wasting your life on this guy?
are his actions matching what he’s telling you? listen to his actions not his words. And your first counselor firing him??? ummm… you already seem to know you should break up with him, so that’s the only advice i have for you unfortunately
>Yes- for those who are going to judge me, I know the right call is to break up. But it’s not as easy when someone has promised such an amazing future with you and slowly taken it away over time.
Are you looking for advice on how to break up, then? Because you’re right, it CAN be difficult to break up with someone that you rationally recognize isn’t someone you feel like you can trust, but still hold onto hope for. But… yeah, you should act in accordance with what you want and what you recognize is best for you, even if it’s hard.
I can offer some pointers if you’d like.
You need to just get out of here right away and stop wasting your time. People like this will never change, only get better at hiding it from you the more times you find and confront it. This person is just a waste of space and time, you need to stop finding excuses to justify staying with him and do better.
“He hasn’t met up with anyone”
Oh my sweet summer child 🙁
He promised such an amazing future but has slowly taken it away should make it easier to break up not harder. He’s never going to be honest with you either because he’s not capable or because you’re not capable of ingesting the truth in a way that’s beneficial for him. Either way it’s all about him.
I don’t even want to know what “Sniffies” is. 🤢
He’s gay.
He’s a liar.
He’s a cheater.
Did you have a question for us?
“He hasn’t met up with anyone…”
And you know this because of how honest he’s been with you?
Maybe he is into pegging.
Yeah anyone can promise you the world, but you’ve seen EVIDENCE that he doesn’t give two figs about you. So respect yourself and leave him.
>I know the right call is to break up. But it’s not as easy when someone has promised such an amazing future with you and slowly taken it away over time.
Please find the energy to make this right call a reality. It is not easy to break up but it is also not easy to continue to deal with an habitual liar who cares nothing about your feelings and bein faithful to you. You are wasting your life on a loser
What is the point of “being relentless” in your questioning if you are going to allow this behavior anyway? Might as well turn a blind eye, it will be less stress for both of you and won’t change anything else about the dynamic.
The bare minimum gaslighting this man is doing for you to stick around makes me think you should go join an MLM. At least then you would have crates of something more valuable and probably would spend less than you have on this relationship.
You do realize there are literally dozens, DOZENS, of other men that exist in the world? Possibly even more!
He doesn’t come across as an honest person. He even less honest than most. You should watch your back
He’s 38 years old. The odds of him having a mid-life epiphany and realizing he’s a shit person are miniscule.
He’s a trainwreck. Why are you staying with a trainwreck?
He promised an “amazing” future and has not lived up to the promise. That actually sounds really easy. Run!
And seek counseling for yourself.
Once they’re caught in a lie once, it should be over.
He’s 38 and still playing games. We know you’re better than this OP. Leave him for good. Man, you’re 29 go find someone closer to your age please. There’s a reason he’s not dating women (or men at this point) around his age because they won’t put up with it!
I’m legitimately unsure I’ve ever seen more red flags in such a short post.
Run!! Fast!! This guy is not trustworthy at all.