Hello, looking for advice.
I’ve been with my husband for almost a decade. When we first moved in together 8 years ago we were both kinda messy, but it wasn’t a disaster and for the most part for the first years of us living together I’d say cleaning was relatively equal among us.
Then we had a kid 5 years ago. Long story short, babies are messy and the house was a disaster 24/7 after having a kid. We were really both just gross and we both failed to do the most basic cleaning tasks. We moved a couple of months ago, and we agreed we needed to get our shit together and keep a relatively clean house from now on. Our kid is 5 now and I don’t want his early childhood memories to be living in filth. So I got *my* shit together, he has not. For the last 5 months, I have been the only reason our house is presentable. He doesn’t even do basic tasks like cleaning up after he eats, I do that.
I’ve brought it up to him numerous times and every single time he just agrees with me and then does nothing about it. He says he agrees that he should clean more, and then goes back to whatever he was doing and just fucking sits there watching me do everything. He works full time and I’m a student from home, and having to clean up after him has cut into my school work, but he doesn’t seem to care because he makes the money. I graduate soon and will be working too, and I worry that I’m going to have to do everything when I’m working. That just sounds so overwhelming.
Anyway, I could use some advice. I’m not sure what to do here. I can’t keep cleaning up after him or asking him to do stuff, I don’t like feeling like I have a second child.
1 comment
It sounds like he’s not actually shutting down the conversation or saying no or getting defensive. Which may mean there could be an opening.
If it’s been years of not cleaning then he has gotten used to that just not being part of his routine. Yes, he’s an adult, and he should just do it anyway, but he isn’t so…what are some practical solutions?
Have you thought about asking him to sit down with you and divide up chores fairly between the two of you, and create a schedule/chore chart? I find with my husband, if it’s up in the air, he’ll never do it. But if it’s a task that has been designated to him for a specific day, he’ll do it.
Having a schedule means you don’t have to be constantly managing him and asking him to do things. You just need to create it once. Of course I can’t guarantee that he’ll do those agreed chores, but it could be a start?
I find it helps if I approach my husband like “how can we be a team and get shit taken care of? Can we figure it out?” as opposed to “you’re not doing stuff and you have to start.”