My bf(30m) and I(27f) have been together for 2 years and we are also recently engaged. He is a wonderful guy and I feel horrible about the situation.
My ex(32m) and I were together for 3ish years, and were on and off before and after that some. We met because he is my brother’s friend and still is. He is still close to my family, so I see him here and there. Our relationship sucked, but we don’t have any hard feelings anymore. My father recently passed away. At the funeral when the program was over I was talking to my ex outside away from everyone getting a vape break. He was saying all of the supportive things people say, like asking if I need anything and he is there if I need anything. We hugged and at some point he was sort of holding my face. We talked for about 15 minutes. I had other things on my mind, so it wasn’t really on my radar how this could look. I was also slightly medicated that day. I guess my bf saw some of this happen.
After the funeral I went to get food with my family and ex came too. My bf was of course invited but he had to go straight to work. My bf was being really weird the next few days, but I’m sure I was too. I assumed we were both just stressed. He finally brought it up days later, and I admitted it probably looked very strange and I apologized. I tried to reassure him that nothing happened and that I don’t care about him. I think he believe these but still has moments where he is really mad. Like he asked me if he tried to kiss me, and I told him of course not and showed him my phone and most recent conversations.
He wants me to distance myself from him because he said it was super weird and that he would never act like that to a female friend who was grieving. I agreed and told him that is fine with me. I do think my ex was just genuinely trying to be supportive in his own way and there was no deeper meaning, but also kind of weird looking back. This was a couple of weeks ago and he is still getting these moments where he is distant and angry. I think his trust has went down a little bit and I want to fix that. I feel really guilty and am worried about our relationship.
TLDR ex and I got too close at a funeral and bf is now worried. I want to get us past this but I’m not sure what else to do
29 comments
Let him know that you’re still noticing that the way your boyfriend is acting is different, and ask HIM if there’s anything that can be said or done that can help you two rebuild trust in each other.
He can feel however he wants about what happened, but it’s not fair to you that he’s just being cold to you indefinitely. If he needs to figure out what he’s feeling, fine, but he needs to get back to you once he figures it out, and you two can talk about working things out from there.
You gave him reason to be worried.
Only time and action will rebuild that trust. Keep true to your word and show him how you’ve kept your distance from your ex etc. You can’t do much more than that. I would also be a bit concerned about how he is making a difficult time in your life worse and I’d be pretty disappointed in his reaction as a partner.
Did he misread it? Or are you misrepresenting it?
I mean all you can do is maintain. Certainly do not talk to your ex, whatsoever, unless absolutely necessary. It sounds like your BF is trying to get past it, but even a small ding to trust takes time.
It’s just going to be weird for a while. Also don’t try to talk too much about your exes motives. You don’t actually know what his motives were. Speculating too much will sound like you’re more worried about defending him. You know your motives. And that’s all you know.
That said, if he’s still distant and upset after a while, maybe you should talk to someone professional, to meditate a conversation and try to establish what you both need. Miscommunication at this stage can cause damage unnecessarily.
You didn’t intentionally break his trust (at least how you’ve described it which… I will admit is a bit vague given the whole face holding thing, which is not a friend comforting a friend behavior, generally). But trust has been damaged nonetheless. It’s a tough spot to be in, I really do sympathize
Cut off your ex before you sabotage your relationship. You think he was just trying to be kind? Assuming he knows you’re in a relationship he knows what he did was inappropriate. And you not stopping him just told him that’s a boundary he can cross. Your ex isn’t stupid, he wouldn’t tolerate another man doing that to his girl, yet he did it… But he has no bad intentions?
Sounds like you are doing everything right and he needs time to get his trust earned back. It sucks for a misunderstanding but given the perspective he probably had I would say it is warranted. It’s up to you where the point is where enough is enough if he still doubts you. If you can admit ex’s behavior was weird then this sounds like an understandable reaction from him, how would you feel if you saw him doing the same to another woman?
Like I said give it time to earn it back, at some point though it becomes more of a his insecurity problem than you. You can only prove so much by distancing yourself and showing texts. You can’t really prove a negative more than that
Also small note but. If you can acknowledge your ex was weird in what he did. You should have set a boundary in that moment instead of letting it happen. For obvious reasons now.
Reddit is certainly doing its thing of jumping to the wrong conclusions. Your father died. A friend of the family offered you consolation in a very public place. While I sorta get where your BF is coming from, he’s way out of line. This is his problem. Sorry for your loss and being put into this situation.
It’s your call – but whatever you do, make sure you prioritize self-care and connection with your loved ones right now. You’re grieving someone you love, and that takes time and energy. Tbh, nothing wrong with being close to an ex or hugging them — but I don’t think that’s the core of the issue. It’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong, it’s about how he feels about it.
You’ve already apologized, so I wouldn’t keep doing that – it could just stress everyone involved out more. If he’s still upset and not willing to talk about it right now, I’d just let him know that you’re here if he decides he wants to talk it out, and that you love him. Then give him some space and do some little nice things for him — like grabbing him his favorite food, or putting aside some time for a date night. Just make sure you give him a heads up so that he doesn’t make other plans and feel put on the spot.
Romance him, but start slow so you can feel out what he’s open for right now. He’s probably feeling insecure and nervous, which is likely stressing him out and putting him on guard emotionally. This can look or sound like anger, since it’s easier to manage than fear for a lot of people. You know him better than we do, but I’d recommend you consider what you’d feel the most comforted by if you had similar worries.
I’m sorry that you’re going through it right now. Please be kind to yourself and spend some time processing your own feelings, too. You’re just as important as anyone else, okay?
Did he misread? Because you say
>We hugged and at some point he was sort of holding my face.
This is wildly inappropriate and he was taking liberties.
So there’s really no two ways about it: cut your ex off (no-brainer) and let time and being trustworthy handle the rest.
The face holding was weird and inappropriate. You should have moved away from that type of touch. I have a feeling your ex either feels some entitlement or was taking the opportunity to push boundaries. I mean, I’m pretty sure no other friends of the family touched you like that, and I’m pretty sure the ex didn’t touch any other family member like that, lol.
All you can really do is show your bf that when ex is around (with your brother) you’ll be polite and civil to him, and not overly friendly.
Eta: But there is no reason for your boyfriend to not believe you. I think that’s an issue.
Hey OP. I am so sorry for your loss. As someone who has been through losing both my parents, I have to say it can sometimes make your partner behave really oddly. Sometimes the whole situation brings up insecurity or feelings of inferiority in a partner when they can’t fix how you’re feeling or navigate the intensity of the funeral, family connections, old friends etc. This might be part of why this made your partner get extra insecure about this interaction and explain some of the overblown “distant and angry” reactions.
But, it’s not okay that he is laying this trip on you during this time. He needs to rein in his issues right now – your dad died and that’s plenty for you to deal with emotionally. I also wouldn’t focus too much on feeling guilty or trying to figure out how to repair his feelings or regain his trust. If he really does need to regain trust that can only happen with time anyway so I’d just go about continuing to be a good partner, which you are, from this post. If there is a lingering issue to deal with I’d suggest a) deal with it later when things have stabilized with your grief/processing and b) do not get married until it is dealt with.
I think you just have to give him time. I think he was warranted in his feelings as I have never held an ex’s face tenderly at a funeral while separated from the group. It is weird and your bf needs time to get over it. I think he is being reasonable by asking you to distance yourself. Just think about what you would do if you saw him getting consoled in the same way by his ex. Keep the communication up.
I personally think holding your face was weird, and that your boyfriend has every reason to feel weird about it. I think that over time he’ll move past it, trusting that you wouldn’t let it ever get past that again. I doubt that it’s YOU he doesn’t trust, rather it’s the ex that he doesn’t trust.
That being said, to the redditors saying that the boyfriend is an immature piece of crap who needs to grow up and get over it: hopefully you won’t get told the same invalidating thing when someone does something that makes you feel uneasy. And then we STILL wonder why men can’t open up about anything?!
I am very sorry for your loss, OP.
Your bf didn’t go to your father’s funeral luncheon?
Not sure the title appropriately fits the TL/DR…. Bf misread and then you are saying you got too close I think there needs to be a little more info discussed here.
In all honestly, it sounds like everyone was emotionally railed. Bf can’t unsee what he saw and it’s eating at him a bit. Just keep doing what you’re doing, which is showing zero interest whatsoever in your ex and keeping a very healthy distance.
So did your ex, who is your brother’s friend, also hold your brother’s face while consoling him? Probably not because he doesn’t want to fuck him.
Holding your face is hardly a misread. That’s definitely intimate that’s far past anything platonic. I have a lot of guy friends but I would absolutely be uncomfortable for both my husband me if anyone besides him that did that
Not picking a side as there is enough of that with other comments. But how do you know bf misread the situation? Can you really say you know your ex’s intentions? Your ex wasn’t the one grieving and on medication – you were. So it’s understandable that you weren’t in the right frame of mind to remove your ex’s hands from your face.
But make no mistake, that is an intimate thing to do and your bf watched it happen. You are the easy target because you are close to him. He can’t take it out on your ex. Give it time for your bf to deal with the situation in his own head. Don’t bring it up, don’t mention anything about your ex. You should be taking the time to grieve.
I just lost my mom a month ago. Ever since I remember, I’ve always hated people touching me and her wake and funeral felt like hell. Everyone kept hugging me, grabbing me, holding my face, petting my hair. I wanted to scream. I honestly think people get very touchy when it comes to death because they’re trying to somehow console you and they don’t know what to do because nothing will make it better.
I think your bf read the situation perfectly well.
E: Not saying you did anything wrong whilst your mind was probably on another planet, but the ex certainly did IMO. Hope this works out for you. Stay well.
Face holding is kind of intimate. I would have a bit of an issue here too.
Funerals can make some people do odd things. I would say that your boyfriend’s feelings and opinions are valid and both your and your ex’s behavior was out of line. Just acknowledge to your boyfriend you understand and respect how he feels and that you’ll definitely set a better boundary with contact with your ex in the future and keep that interaction to a minimum at best since he is still friendly with your family.
My own experience with inappropriate behavior from an ex at a funeral a couple years ago: My ex-gf(who was also my first gf starting back over 30 years ago) and I were still good friends thru life after many years of on and off again dating. I was close to her family still, and her sister died of cancer. She and I hadn’t talked much but I sent her and her family individual messages of condolences, but didn’t tell them I was going to take off work and drive two hours to the funeral. I was wise and brought my wife, who was also friends with my ex. My ex and I hadn’t seen each other in person in a couple of years by this time. When my wife and I walked into the church sanctuary, my ex was at her sister’s casket at the front of the church. As soon a she saw me, she screamed my name, and literally ran thru the church with tears streaming out of her eyes and LEAPED into my arms wrapping herself onto me crying and laughing so glad to see me. I immediately looked at my wife in terror thinking I was about to need a casket myself! But my wife instead laughed at both of us because she understood our friendship and that we put each other in our proper places years before my second wife and I got married. My wife and ex also gave each other a huge hug after I put her feet back on the ground. My wife doesn’t mind bringing it up every once in a while about that incident to drive home the fact she trusts me…but also says DON’T push my luck! LOL
Has there ever been an issue about your ex’s closeness with the family in general? Sometimes one moment gets blown out of proportion because it’s not just a reaction to that one moment, but a reaction to an overall situation, in my opinion.
Wow, seriously? He didn’t mess up the situation! He got it right. Picture this: Instead of you, it’s your boyfriend, and instead of your ex, it’s your boyfriend’s ex. Would you be cool with your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend touching his face and hugging him?
That’s just rude to your boyfriend and his relationship! Time to act mature, say sorry, and kick your ex out of your life.
You make him feel insecure, so it’s your job to change it, don’t assume your actions were okay.
I think ex’s need to be out of the picture completely. Otherwise you are re-reading the same page of a novel and you will not get to the end of the book
You t caught plain and simple. He didn’t misread anything, lol, spin it any way you want. Getting cozy with an EX is gonna make you his EX. Hope he runs away for you. You showed your true colors when you thought his back was turned. That’s a betrayal you cannot recover from.
That’s not mis-reading anything. Holding someone’s face is insanely intimate. That’s fight starting shit, I commend the bf for being super level headed and not throwing down at the funeral with your ex.