For the sake of privacy, I will refer to my wife as Tanya. Also it may be important to mention that we are an interracial couple. She came as an international student from Bangladesh and I am a white American.

It started with my birthday just two months before. Tanya wanted to throw a party for me at this karaoke bar, a really thoughtful idea. Well, I wanted to invite this group of extended family that I spent a lot of time with as a teenager. They aren’t technically cousins but we always called them that. My parents grew up with their parents and it was a great time as a kid because the adults would get together for game night while the kids got to do whatever. I have only seen them a few times since moving out for college. They all stayed back and have families now. The two oldest (27F and 24F) ended up marrying my closest friends (28M and 27M) actually. I had issues with that in high school, but of course now I don’t because I am an adult.

Tanya did not have such a family-centric and fun childhood, so my thinking was that I could introduce her to them and maybe we could start hanging out again like old times. At the party I had a great time. It was pretty much what I wanted it to be. I saw Tanya talking with the women and I was catching up with my old buddies. We did cheesy karaoke and had a impromptu dance party. At some point a random drunk old lady feinted and had to be carried out on stretcher. Everyone went on like nothing happened. It was awesome. When we got home though, I found out that she did not have such an experience. She said that my oldest cousin, whom I will call Marissa, was not really talking to her at all and seemed to actively avoid communicating. I thought this was odd and unfortunate but ultimately I chalked it up to nerves and meeting someone new.

I suggested that we hang out again to clear up any misunderstanding but Tanya would not have it. She started claiming Marissa as racist, and I could not blame her because people in my family have been racist in the past. Not to her directly for sure, but I have told her about some comments my grandparents have made, and how interracial couples haven’t really happened in my family. It has been tricky to say the least. Anyway, I wanted to be on my partner’s side with this but I just did not see enough evidence in this specific case, hence wanting to hang out with only her and her husband. I was deemed as unsupportive and ‘just as racist’. I decided to drop it as the wedding was coming up and nerves were coming into play.

Invitations were already sent out weeks before my birthday, and this whole group of 6-10 people were on it. They came with their two toddlers (3 and 4 years old). Tanya did not initially want to allow young children, but I persuaded her against it at the time invitations were sent out because I have always seen toddlers at weddings and generally they are fun to have around. Well, Marissa’s kid (just my luck) starts making noise in the middle of Tanya’s vows. Tanya is visibly flustered and kind of rushes through them. I was giving her a look like “it’s okay sweetie, relax” but it all happened so fast. Dinner was served and we were dancing before I could blink.

I went to the bathroom at some point and on the way back I got distracted by my buds for probably 10 minutes when Marissa joined with her baby. That took me out of the flow of the conversation enough to realize my newly wed wife was sitting in the reception room glaring at me. I absolutely agree that I should not have let myself get distracted for even a second. This was our special day and every moment is supposed to be shared together. However, what happened next was even more awful. Tanya stormed past me to the dressing room where I followed her and shut the door. She took her ring off, chunked it to the floor, and started crying. I apologized for getting distracted but wanted to get back out there so we didn’t miss any more dancing. It felt like almost an hour later when another buddy of mine (a groomsman) knocked on the door to tell us he was heading out. That forced us to go out and say bye. The rest of the wedding improved greatly after that. Still, it feels like a nasty scar.

I cannot help but feel that this really did not have to go this way, and none of this would have happened if she had trusted me in the first place after my birthday. I have a lot of empathy for her because she has had a tough time with female friends taking the spotlight from her in her childhood, but now I don’t know what to do. This whole thing feels irreversible and is now a moot point.

Should I still try to persuade her it was a misunderstanding from the beginning, or move on and live a life separate from this part of my family?

TL;DR: Bad vibes from introducing wife to old friends and family, who are still relatively close with my immediate family back home. One of their babies made noise during her vows. She does not want anything to do with them now or ever. I want to mend the situation but every attempt has only worsened it.

39 comments

  1. I think you’re still extremely clueless as to just how unsupportive you have been this entire time. You pressured her to play nice with your racist family, because you “didn’t see enough evidence?” You have married a woman of color. Racists have no place in your life. If you don’t cut them out you are a bad husband.

    The woman you were about to marry TOLD you that she was racist. That should be evidence enough for you, and if you don’t trust her enough to believe her on this, then why did you even marry her?

    AND you pressured her to allow kids at the wedding. The kid crying was probably just the straw that broke the camel’s back when she realized that she wasn’t getting the wedding she wanted because of your inability to put your foot down with your family.

    And you “apologized for getting distracted but wanted to get back out there so we didn’t miss any more dancing.” First of all, getting distracted for 10 minutes was NOT the thing you needed to apologize for. Secondly, your wife is upset about how her wedding went, and you’re worried about missing the dancing? Pretty sure your wife being upset about her wedding and throwing off her ring should be a much bigger concern, and that’s super dismissive.

    You need to stop being a doormat to your biological family and start being a husband, specifically *listen to your wife*. Because in all this, it seems like you keep acting like you know what’s best, and you’re constantly putting her second. PUT HER FIRST. FOR ONCE.

  3. Wow just wow your white privilege blinds you so much you think you are justified in your actions.

    Let me get this straight. You come from a racist family yet chose to marry a brown person and felt that you need “proof” to accept your family is being racist towards her. You sound just as racist. You are completely disregarding her experience and telling her to “relax”. You threw her into the wolves and then sided with your family. I hope she leaves you before she has to keep going through this abusive traumatic journey with you.

    Go find yourself a white woman and stop trying to prove to yourself you aren’t like your family at the expense of a whole human being’s well being.

  5. Why did you let toddlers come to your wedding? If she didn’t want little kids at her wedding you should have listened to her. She had her vows interrupted by a little kid. That’s captured on video. And then she sits at the reception while you chat with the mother who’s kid messed up the ceremony. I’d be pissed too.

  6. Question: did you even confront your cousin or just totally dismiss your SO’s concerns? You are not a good husband. And yeah, you are racist too.

  7. If you marry a Bangladeshi woman when you know your family are racists and then continue to socialize with those racists, then you are as bad as them. Your poor wife.

  8. >feinted

    fainted

    >Not to her directly for sure,

    Wow so because people are not racist to her face and either avoid to talk to her and say racist stuff behind her back, that’s fine with you? You, the white person, needs a lot of evidence from the person who is the victim? Why didn’t you call your cousin to ask her what her problem was?

    >Invitations were already sent out weeks before my birthday, and this whole group of 6-10 people were on it.

    So you ignored the problem and still had these people in your wedding? Not only that, but they brought kids and of course rude people have kids who are just little asshole…

    I don’t know if this is creative writing or if you are really such an AH. I would tell her to divorce you and stop wasting her time. If you ever have kids, they are going to get bullied and treated like garbage by your family and you are not going to give fuck; or you’ll be “I don’t see it, where is the evidence?”

    >none of this would have happened if she had trusted me in the first place after my birthday.

    # Why would she have to trust you when you don’t trust her? Because you are the man? Because you knew those people when you were a kid but haven’t seen them in like a decade? LOL

    >Should I still try to persuade her it was a misunderstanding from the beginning, or move on and live a life separate from this part of my family?

    So you think you should keep telling her she is an idiot, basically, and that nobody treated her like garbage and that they didn’t ruin her wedding vows or her wedding?

    # “Honey, stop saying they are racist, as a white man, I can tell you they aren’t! I used to play with them when we were kids, we are all white and had no friends of color, so of course I know they aren’t racist. I’ve never seen them be racist because we never have friends of color so they had no chance to be racist.”

  9. “I invalidated my wife’s concern of racism” and “I coerced her into having children at the wedding and told her with my eyes to shut it when they started acting up during the ceremony” and “I ignored her during the wedding to focus on people who had been rude to her in the past” and “now I want her to apologize for having the audacity to show that she was upset about any of it”.

    ​

    Man I feel sorry for Tanya, left one abusive household for a chronic invalidator…..

  10. “None of this would have happened in the first place if she had trusted me…”

    OP you are clueless. Your wife was able to tell you that your old buddies/cousin’s wife was racist. BUT you didn’t believe her because you didn’t see the evidence with your own eyes, you didn’t trust her judgement.

    What were you waiting for, pray, tell. Someone to send up a flare? In this scenario your wife is the expert witness on racism. You dont get to call whether its happening or not based on whether you, the person not experiencing racism, can tell its happened or not.

    You insist she spends more time with them, then you insist the toddlers come to the wedding ceremony.

    You keep bulldozing your wife. All you are doing my friend is making a clear path for her to leave you.

    I’ll be really surprised if you two make it.

  11. A bit of an off-topic question but what other compromises did she make for the wedding? I’m wondering if, aside from the baby crying, she felt a bit isolated being around “family” that doesn’t care to accept her. Did she have the opportunity to have her family there, or her customs (if she wanted to include them)?

  12. Even as a white person I have had people who I loved and thought were good people surprise me with racist comments out of no where, especially since the rise of ultra right wing conservatives in the US. So frankly, I don’t need a ton of “evidence” from POC if they’re saying someone is racist even if I previously held that person in high esteem. Their spidey senses are much more finely tuned than mine.

  13. I feel bad for Tanya. I was married for 4 years (too many) to a man who never had my back. It was fine for everyone else, because ‘that’s how they are’.

  14. >Tanya did not initially want to allow young children, but I persuaded her against it at the time invitations were sent out because I have always seen toddlers at weddings and generally they are fun to have around. Well, Marissa’s kid (just my luck) starts making noise in the middle of Tanya’s vows.

    You should *not* have done this. Your wife’s position was understandable, and it’s easily proven by the events at your wedding where the child disrupted the vows. Toddlers are loud and chaotic and aren’t very good in serious and quiet settings like weddings.

    >I got distracted by my buds for probably 10 minutes

    You left your wife alone, without you, for ten minutes on her *wedding day*? Sure, she could’ve socialized, but she was probably anxious, especially being surrounded by racist people. I can’t imagine how stressful it must’ve felt for her wishes to be ignored, her vows disrupted (*because* she was ignored, no less), and then left alone with people that judge her for the skin she was born with.

    >I cannot help but feel that this really did not have to go this way, and none of this would have happened if she had trusted me in the first place after my birthday.

    No, it didn’t have to go that way, but your reasoning is wrong. It wouldn’t have had to go that way if *you* had been a supportive partner in the first place like you should’ve been. This whole time, you’ve described your lack of support, only to shift blame on your wife and act like she’s been out of line. You haven’t even bothered to try to understand why she might’ve been so stressed.

    >I have a lot of empathy for her

    You have a funny way of showing it.

    >Should I still try to persuade her it was a misunderstanding from the beginning

    Are you actually serious?

    If this is in any way indicative of how you intend to treat her through your marriage, you don’t and never will deserve her. She deserves far better than someone who invalidates her at every opportunity.

  15. A person who quietly allowed racists to be racist is racist himself. You are contributing to the abuse your poor wife has to deal with. My heart breaks for her. I honestly don’t think you’re as clueless as you’re trying to come across as.

    Also, your title implies you’re just as traumatized as her but you’re the one that chose to open that door. Your trauma is nowhere near hers. You literally brought abuse to her doorstep and are trying to imply you’re just as harmed as she was. You’re not. Not only did these people cause her distress but the man she was supposed to trust to protect her heart did not do so, even moments after making vows to her. You went the absolute opposite direction of your own vows at the first available opportunity. Your idea of celebrating vows is to immediately break those vows.

  16. My gosh if I was her I’d get the marriage annulled. You forced her to allow kids that ruined her most precious part of the ceremony then ignore her to be with your racist friends. My gosh this girl needs to run from you AND Your family who isn’t even family. You sucked as a boyfriend and you suck even worse as a husband

  17. You should stop hanging out with your racist friends for starters. Then, apologize to your wife and let her know that she comes first from now on. That’s bare minimum stuff.

  19. I mean, you ran rough-shod all over her feelings and concerns (which she was correct about) what did you think was going to happen? YTA and probably will be getting divorced soon

  21. I think you meant to say “my fiancé wanted to have an intimate bday party with just us two and I invited other friends along because I wanted them there even though I haven’t seen them in a while . My friend did something or said something to make my fiancé feel uncomfortable. Instead of apologizing in my friends behalf and possibly asking my friend what had happened I told my fiancé she was crazy and imagining things. And then since I know better I tried forcing her to hang out with my friends more. Which leads to the wedding that she wanted to be child free but I know better than her and made it child friendly. The wedding was a disaster to the point that she might annul the wedding. I don’t understand why my new wife is mad and hurt with me. When if she just swept everything under the rug I wouldn’t be having this problem I myself created. “

  22. Wow I’m surprised she didn’t annul the wedding immediately for your piss poor behavior.

  23. I almost broke my jaw when you said YOU FELT SLEIGHTED.

    You cannot be fucking serious???

    You willingly ignored your wife’s concerns and are surprised she ended up feeling like shit at your wedding?

    You have to be incredibly dense.

    I’d start kissing the ground she walks on buddy, this is entirely on you.

  24. Dude, you’re obviously not mature enough to be a proper spouse. Or your just a selfish jackass who can’t be bothered to have his wife’s back!

    Really! WTF is wrong with you?

  26. OP, I can see why your wife is upset.

    You disregarded her boundaries every step of the way.

    You belittled her emotions, you consistently undermined her.

    And now you are blaming her.

    I personally don’t put too much stock on weddings. It’s a party.

    Your wife on the other hand isn’t me. She cared. And you spat on her for it.

    You should consider things from her perspective. Her husband seemingly doesn’t care if people hurt her or are cruel. If it doesn’t affect him, it isn’t a problem.

  27. You’re An asshole just for having kids at a wedding especially when your wife said no. Kids suck

  31. Leads with “traumatic” goes on to write the worst piece of fiction I’ve ever read. “Chunked” it to the floor had me dying though that was good.

  32. Dude, you are not going to solve racist family members. Not going to happen. Your wife knows this and is still willing to marry you. So have her back. Dis-invite the racists when you can. If you can’t then make sure you run interference, pay attention to where they are and she is not alone with them and show her you have her back.

  33. “Hey my family’s racist as shit and as a minority I’m going to force you around them because they are my family and important to me, don’t worry about your feelings.”

  36. >I cannot help but feel that this really did not have to go this way, and none of this would have happened if she had trusted me in the first place after my birthday.

    This wouldn’t have happened if you’d actually chosen to support her, and hear her out. All you did is exhibit the white privilege you’ve grown up with, and your head in the sand attitude has shown her what to expect from this marriage.

    You’re happy to ignore anything unless it *actually* impacts you.

  37. OP: “Yeah, my family can be pretty racist.”
    Also OP: “I just did not see enough evidence.” 🥴

    And what was with the random cutaway to the lady fainting in the karaoke bar?

  38. I really hope he comes back and reads these comments and realizes his mistakes cause this was a crazy long way to say I don’t care about my Wife’s feelings

  39. So she should just trust you when you are NOT trustworthy? You haven’t provided any example where you had her back or showed any trust in HER judgement. She did trust you when you bullied her into having toddlers at your wedding. What happened OP? Oh that’s right, she ended up being right about toddlers being a distraction.

    I had kids at my wedding and I’m sure they weren’t all quiet at all the times. But the difference was that neither my spouse nor I cared much about that and the people who brought young ones, knew to take them out when they were fussy.

    You have no respect for your wife. I only wish she has taken the marriage certificate and tore it up before it ever got filed. So the next best wish is that she realizes her worth and loses you and your racist family and friends.

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