Hi all,
So, I started dating this guy in the beginning of March this year. It’s been quite some time – I would say that for 9 months a relationship should have formed, what would you say? However, we are still not in a relationship and I don’t know if that will come at all.
In September he even decided to come to my country. I was like super, I will introduce you to my family (after all we had been dating for 7 months). He said no, we’re not ready. OK, what can I do. He’s always with his brother, but guess if I’ve been introduced – nope, not at all, doesn’t even come as a topic (he’s brother does know that he’s dating me though, but who cares about that).
Now, when we were in my country, he told me with the exact words: “don’t fall for me and don’t have too strong feelings for me”. I was like WTF. So, to summarize his words – the next stage of his life is marriage and he doesn’t want to commit to me unless he knows he wants to marry me. Until then what – keeping his options open? I don’t know. In my view, of course you have to get to know each other, but you get into a relationship and become intimate and close, not saying “don’t fall for me b/c you may not be the one”.. maybe I’m wrong? He did say he likes me very much but does he really if he doesn’t want a relationship with me?
Another thing is – when I stay at his place (I live with my sister so he doesn’t want to come and meet her) do you think I have ever stayed the night? Nope, not at all. We have not slept together at all. We do what we do, and then hop, he says “let me order you an Uber”. At least he pays for the Uber.
Also, he goes traveling with his brother almost every month. Now during Christmas he will be in Japan. He knows I will be alone, I’m not saying that I would go, but an invitation would have been nice. All he said was: “aren’t you going to be lonely during Christmas. What are you going to do”. I can see all my friends and their partners (even from an early stage of the relationship) travel and have fun together. With him, I travel alone. He pushes me to travel, but not him and me together, me alone. He’s always: “you should go there and there and there, book flights for yourself”. He never said: we should go together.
Ok, 1 time he said let’s go to Venice for the weekend. I was excited that he wanted to do something with me. But then he said: “maybe you shouldn’t come because you won’t keep up with everything I want to see and you’ll want to relax”. What the hell, so it wasn’t because he wanted to go with me. I’m going to travel for 1 week, of course alone. I love traveling alone, but knowing I am dating someone and doing it alone makes me feel lonely.
Unsure how to take in this whole dating situation.. I would appreciate any advice and how the situation is seen from the view of someone impartial. In this situation, how would you react and take in everything?
TL;DR I am dating a guy who I cannot figure out and I don’t know where we are going, and if we are going anywhere.
12 comments
It sounds like he doesn’t want a deep relationship, or intimate relationship involving feelings. Sounds like your options are either continue dating with no progress to be made or just explain how you feel, or just not date anymore. Nobody but you gets to decide.
Also, I’m not quite sure what the average time for dating is, as I usually am pretty quick to confirm where I stand with someone, but after over half a year, I think not knowing where you two stand is a red flag.
Personally, I’d just be honest with him. Will he take it well? I don’t know, but you win either way: either be takes it well and things get better, or he doesn’t and you know for sure he isn’t worth your time.
he is not confused what he wants – he is treating you like a side chick, because you probably are one. Sorry
It sounds to me as though you’re a bootie call.
You are not his girlfriend and you never will be.
At 27, you should have the common sense not to *even want* to sleep with a foreigner, who doesn’t want to commit to you.
Just tell him you want commitment, and if he’s not willing to give you that, then “bye bye”.
The question is, do you want to be with someone who sees you as convenient? If not, then, there really is no point to this relationship you have with him because that seems like that’s all you are to him – a warm body that’s conveniently on call whenever he wants.
When he tells you who he is listen. Move on
This man is wasting your time. But worse, you are allowing it.
“Dear Chap, it’s been useful getting to know you, but it’s time for us to part ways, I wish you the best, but please don’t contact me again.”
This man is what’s commonly known in the universe as a ‘lesson in what you don’t want’
Learn from it and move on.
The relationship is not going.
It is stagnant.
It has reached it’s limit.
Time to say, this isn’t working for me.
See ya!
OP this isn’t a relationship and it isn’t growing into one. You’re a long-distance distraction for this man: you’re conveniently into him *and* you’re conveniently far away from his real life. This is working for him, so if it’s not working for you, you should end it.
He told you, with his words, not to have feelings for him. Believe him.
He doesn’t even seem to like you very much. If he wanted you he would be all over you with his free time. He told you to not get attached so that he can later say he did not lead you on, has no guilt for his actions etc. Drop him immediately.