I’ve been mentally and emotionally breaking because I’m dying for more affection from my husband.

We love each other deeply, and we can basically read each other’s minds most of the time. We’re good to each other, we get along, and we spend a lot of time together. I’m 27 and he’s 32, and we’ve been married for 5 years.

It’s a long story, but to be short… my BIL destroyed our sex life about a year ago. A few months ago, I had an epiphany and started the effort to heal our intimacy. We had raw, emotional conversations, and we came to understand each other once again. We made an effort to be intimate, and though we had to work through some things, things have improved a lot — considering it went from almost nothing for a year to anywhere from 1-6 times a week. My husband has a spinal condition, so sometimes a flare-up will cancel any plans I might have had. I understand and support him wholeheartedly, and don’t get angry at him for this (though, admittedly I can get very pent up). 

The thing that’s really been playing with my mind is the fact that I’ve noticed that I initiate almost everything, every time. He’s always been sweet to me — even during our dry spell. He’ll hug me, call me pet names, and he always wants to spend time with me. But we used to be a LOT more… touch-y. Whether or not it led to sex, we used to always be kissing, flirting, and complimenting each other. It was incredible, and I think things like this made us share so much more passion. Making love used to be intense, and even emotional at times — we would just explode with love for each other and show it perfectly. Post-sex cuddles used to be so intimate and sweet. 

Now, I initiate everything, and sometimes he’ll allow me to get really worked up before politely rejecting me. We don’t kiss nearly as often, and I have to try really hard to make him understand my clear attempts to make things steamy. Sometimes, I worry that he’s just trying to satisfy me and fulfill a “quota” or something. Regardless of his pain levels on any given night, he should still be able to bring passion to it. That’s not a thing that is dependent on physical condition, it’s all from the heart. Sometimes, I’ll please him even when he’s in too much pain to please me. I still enjoy this a lot, because I love him and am very attracted to him. But so often, he doesn’t bother to finish me when he makes me scream and then once he finishes, it’s just time to collapse on top of me and kind of half-ass cuddle for about 5 minutes before cleaning up and then getting ready to sleep. 

Sometimes, I’ll try to make it very obvious that I’m still riled up without trying to tell him what to do. I never want to pressure him to do anything, so I usually avoid bluntly asking him to finish me. If he’s too tired, he can easily use a toy on me which we actually bought together for this purpose. He used to pay a lot more mind to my needs, and he used to seem excited to do things for me when the sex had ended. Most of the time, he just ignores the fact that I’m posing my body in such a way and am clearly still wanting, and he just grabs a blanket and falls asleep. I’m not saying he needs to do everything I want every time, but he so rarely pays attention anymore. 

He doesn’t like it when I finish myself, apparently… I tried it once when he got too tired moments before I was going to explode, so I took over because I couldn’t stand leaving it there in that instance. I wasn’t mad at him, and I tried to put on a show for him at the same time. I never have been able to finish myself before we got this toy, so this was, oddly, unknown territory in our relationship. I was anxious about the concept of this type of thing happening beforehand, and I thought about it a lot to try and make sure this wouldn’t be a bad idea. But my husband was visibly upset right after I tried it… I was honestly kind of hurt that he felt so negatively about it. I had hoped that he might find it hot, and maybe it would be a spicy addition to our options depending on his pain levels. But he HATED it. I personally love watching him touch himself, so I just don’t get the big deal. The next day, he told me that he felt “left out”. I asked if I was correct in thinking he had been too tired to go on, and he said yes. I tried to explain my thoughts and feelings, and the conversation eventually tapered off without closure. 

I know very well that he’s been going through a lot, just as I have, on this aspect of our marriage. I’m thinking that he must still be uncomfortable with allowing that side of himself to come out fully. I’m not sure why he would be so distant from me in our love life at this point and to this extent. We’ve been communicating better than before, though it’s a work in progress of course. I speak very clearly to him when I actually get brave enough to mention some particular thing about our love life. Even though I’m dying for him to initiate, I still initiate with care and passion. I’m constantly reading him and trying to gauge if there’s anything wrong. Because I have to initiate, and I prefer spice over just saying “Hey can we have segs?”, this means that I have to wait for him to give me some sort of clue that he either can or can’t physically handle it at the moment. Maybe he’ll be extremely passive and tired, maybe he’ll give me the tiniest clue that he’s not feeling well, but because he’s not responding with fervor when he’s open to it, it’s sometimes difficult to tell what he’s feeling like. I’ll try whispering dirty things to him or otherwise taking it up a notch, and depending on the day, that may or may not give me a clear idea of what he wants. Sometimes he’ll decide to roll with it and work me up until I’m about to beg for him, only to then say he can’t. Then I usually just turn my attention to something else while silently fuming with sexual frustration. 

I’m working through a lot of anxiety about all of this stuff. Sometimes I hate myself and feel like I’m disgusting for having a sex drive at all. Other times, I feel bold and realize that having a sex drive is just part of being a human (I’m being broad here). A constant worry of mine is, “Does he ever have unprompted thoughts about me anymore?”. Lately, I’ve been worrying that the events that started our dry spell have ruined his sexual confidence, or maybe even desire, forever. I know mine was ruined for a year. but the moment I had my epiphany, I realized that I had been suppressing myself the whole time — and my libido came back quickly. I’m a patient person, so I completely understand that this healing process will take time. I’ve been working on my own things too, and I’ve been trying to help him to feel affirmed and appreciated. I rave on and on about how amazing X, Y, or Z was if he does something that I liked. I’ll even send him dirty messages when he’s at work sometimes, to really show him that I desire him and love him. He’ll respond positively, but he won’t really flirt back or say anything dirty. I also try to flirt with him in person when the moment feels right, and oftentimes I’m not intending to take it farther. We used to be this way with each other, so I’m trying to show him that I want him to let me see that part of him and receive his full affection again. 

I feel crazy, and I’m getting depressed about all of this. I worry about him not feeling attracted to me anymore, I worry about him thinking I’m being a pervert. This isn’t even just about sex. This is about intimacy in a broader sense. Touch is my primary love language, and I feel like I’m dying without it. My heart hurts from how much I miss that side of him. I’ve been terrified to bring it up, and I don’t know how to have this conversation and not turn it into an argument. I just want to spill out my emotions to him and have him understand me. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel loved in that special way. 

Please give me some advice… I can’t live like this, and I want to heal us.

By the way, he has no issues with getting it up. So I think this is a mental thing and not a testosterone thing.