Throwaway account.
I’ll try be as brief as possible as this has been a long and complex story. September 2022 my wife and I finally separated after 3 years of things going wrong and a final year of absolute toxicity. We had been together since we were 18/21 and married the last 6 years. We have 2 children (6 and 3) together as well as a mortgaged house. We look after the children 50/50 in separate houses of which I’m currently renting close by. Wife tried to move out when we split, but couldn’t due to low income. Wife struggles with depression (didn’t realise it until the final year) and I didn’t do a good job of supporting her, nor did she seek out help. We tried couples therapy but was too far gone by then. Lack of family and friends support with the children as well as me having cancer 5 years ago had a big impact on her mental health. During this time she was verbally abusive to me and kids, as well as occasionally physically abusive towards me, which I just couldn’t take any more and nor could she. Main things over the good years which attracted me to my wife was her kindness, creativity, tenderness and being really attractive. Sex was great too although didn’t happen much in the last few years. She didn’t stimulate me much mentally, EDIT: probably I never paid much attention. The last years or so was overwhelming as her depression meant she was checked out of life by the end.
About 8 months ago (so 4 months after separation) I met my girlfriend. We connected instantly and saw each other when we could which is alternative weekends and one evening mid-week as she also has 2 children. She’s really smart, funny, attractive and stimulates me mentally. This summer we started introducing children to each other but it didn’t go well – they didn’t gel and both GF and I could see it. I started questioning our future together because I couldn’t see a blended family. I got quite anxious about her talking about the future and blending families. It killed my mojo a bit and I talked to her about it. She agreed it wasn’t really on the cards and it could be an unknown amount of years before we could progress our relationship from the current setting.
Started to kick off the divorce process with my wife about 3 weeks ago and found myself being quite incapable of doing it. I think I mentioned to GF after a few glasses of wine that I was struggling with this, and although she didn’t say anything I think she got quite self-conscious (rightly so) and started checking-out of the relationship. Sex got quite mundane and irregular.
Wife was demanding a large amount of alimony which would have had a large impact on my financial wellbeing. I started to think about all the things I had longed for for so long and what I had worked for such as a nice house for the kids, being able to go on nice holidays with them, a stable set of parents – all of this was going away. I had these growing up (mostly) and were what I wanted for my kids. I figured I could get back with wife and kids could have this; I could go to therapy and figure out how I can live with my wife and ensure I don’t/she isn’t triggered to lash out at me and the kids. Maybe we could be happy. Told wife this (big mistake – stupid, should have talked to someone else) and she got excited about the prospect. I believe in her view, she’s wanted me back this past year.
I figured I wouldn’t have that mental stimulation, but perhaps that could be a compromise. In addition, wife is very flirty when I would see her and got me lusting over her again thinking about that great sex.
I decided it wasn’t fair for GF to be with me while I was having these feelings, so broke up with her a few days ago. Kind of blindsided her tbh, which I felt absolutely horrible about. I spent the last few days being profoundly upset at the loss of GF. We exchanged some emails – I told her about the above (not the part about lusting – that would have done no good). She is very angry and upset with me but agreed to meet for dinner next week.
Proceeded to tell wife that my intentions for the future wasn’t sound – was motivated by kids, materialistic things and lust. She was very hurt and upset, as one could imagine.
That brings me to today. I’ve deeply hurt two people I care a lot about – perhaps love. I want to stop hurting people. I feel like I’ve disgraced myself and I want to just hide away, but I need to face it. I’ve reached out to some therapists because I feel I haven’t dealt with the end of my marriage properly and instead repressed it. I feel like I should put all relationships on hold until I’ve done this and figured myself out even if that means losing GF and wife. Probably I’ve done this already – I’d run a mile if I was them.
If you’ve read this far thank you. Some perspective would be really helpful right now.
TL;DR: Possibly compromise with ex-wife for lust and children’s materialistic benefit; try salvage a relationship with new GF despite future being completely unclear, or icebox everything while I sort myself out in therapy?
4 comments
Judging from just this post, I don’t think your wife wanted to separate at all. She probably just didn’t feel like you cared, and felt inadequate. And last few years sound like they were HYPER stressful for you two as well, and well…
Don’t know you, don’t wanna accuse you, but it doesn’t sound to me like you cared much about her. You complained about lack of “mental stimulation”, while she was depressed. Did you think about her? Did you even talk to her? Did you show that you care, that you are still attracted to her? I don’t think she needed therapy. I think she needed YOU.
Talking about this “gf”, drop her. You said yourself it’s not gonna work cuz of kids, and you need to figure things out with wife first. Don’t lead her on.
>I feel like I should put all relationships on hold until I’ve done this and figured myself out even if that means losing GF and wife
This is absolutely what you should do. You’re in no fit state to navigate a relationship right now. You need to focus on yourself and your therapy.
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>I could go to therapy and figure out how I can live with my wife and ensure I don’t/she isn’t triggered to lash out at me and the kids
You should speak to your therapist about this. You absolutely should not be doing this and no therapist is going to treat you on the basis that they’re helping you too accept that you’re in an abusive relationship.
Good luck for the future. You will get better with help from a decent therapist.
This is the crux of what you should do:
**” I’ve reached out to some therapists because I feel I haven’t dealt with the end of my marriage properly and instead repressed it. I feel like I should put all relationships on hold until I’ve done this and figured myself out even if that means losing GF and wife. Probably I’ve done this – I’d run a mile if I was them.”**
Get professional help. Right now stay away from relationships, you’re in no place mentally to start one.
As others have said, please take care of you first. Therapy, therapy, therapy. Focus on yourself and how it feels to be alone – it’s been awhile for you! Focus on your kids.
Someone asked why you didn’t reach out to your wife more or ask her about her depression, but I also noticed you said she abused you and your kids; you physically. Absolutely not. Male or female, you did not deserve that, and I don’t understand why that’s being overlooked. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I don’t think getting back with your wife is the right call, and it seems like you know that. Therapy will greatly benefit you, I think. It’s hard letting go of something that you cherished so much.
Coming from someone whose parents didn’t like each other much, staying together “for the kids” never works out. They’ll be able to sense it.
Good luck to you, sir!