I have always been the outcast and continue to be in adulthood despite being harmless?

Hi, I’m kind of struggling with my mental health now.

So throughout my life I have been on the sidelines socially and only ever really had solid friendships in my early life, say up to about 12. Beyond that I had acquaintances/lite friendships during my teen years.

Now that I’m in my 20’s I don’t have anyone whatsoever. Really I don’t.

I was the kind of kid that would’ve been bullied in the stereotypical way you see on movies. I was picked last for sports, people always underestimated my athletic ability (can recall one guy ranting how embarrassed he was because I beat him. I now goto the gym and have built a bit of muscle and can run relatively fast so stuff him).

As I moved into my 20’s I experienced the same thing but more in subtle ways, what do I mean?

– People doing the bare minimum in terms of social pleasantries.
– noticing differences in social interactions between me and another person. Say when I join a new job at the same time as another person, they’re welcomed with open arms whilst I’m given a luke warm smile.
– People sometimes get up and leave when I enter. For example, if I go into a canteen and sit down people leave, if I go into the gym and sit down maybe a guy or two might get up and leave.
– People are also in general in working capacity quite glassy/distant with me.
– Some women appear creeped out by me.
– People look uncomfortable if I sit near them.
– I often don’t hear about things until the last minute or after the fact.

I would overall describe most social interactions I have as strained.

What I’ve sort of noticed is that my social anxiety creeps people out, they don’t seem to understand it and always jump to a negative perception about me. For ex, if I get on transport and sit beside a woman when there is no seat. I always notice they start typing rapidly, again this is like a nervous thing isn’t it?

Now I admit I am a quiet person but I think my point is that when I do try to speak to some they put up barriers and return the bear minimum, socially.

I also notice that people form solid and negative first impressions of me and don’t try to let me open up to them to show what my authentic personality is. For example, if I am slightly shy they will judge me for that.

This is also another aspect, a lot of adults don’t respect adults with low confidence and don’t understand how we can be in such a predicament.

In my mind friendship is verging on impossible for me. I don’t know what to do as I am just being myself, but I feel that there’s no place for me.

Do I behave weirdly? No I’m anxious but I don’t actually look at people or interact so I suppose I am just overly quiet. I’m not the kind of person who will sit beside a woman and ask weird questions etc.