It’s my third year in college, yet my first one in this specific course. I did the 2 years prior all in different courses.
I aren’t that gifted socially and have no idea how I’m supposed to approach my classmates. It’s even harder bc they all get along and I just stay in the corner not able to do anything. “Just go up to them and talk” doesn’t work and I’m honestly tired of that being the only answer people and friends (few I have, that i add, are very well off socially) give me.
Not necessary to read but can help for context:
As a kid I use to read during breaks. I got friends bc a girl was nice enough to take intrest in me and resulted in making some friends and kept them through middle-school. I was even voted to be student council. In High-school I moved countries and I still managed to have two or three but never was the main friend. In college (first year) I was all alone till two girls took intrest in me and one ended up presenting me her friends that became mine. Apart from that I would run away as fast as possible after class.
I am in therapy since I am 14. I have medication for anxietey and depressive disorder (anti-psychotics). Also have cptsd.
Since I’m so miserable in class and are really behind I usually get away as fast as I can. All of them are already grouped up and i feel like i already misses my chance. In my second year of college (different course) I didn’t made any friends, I just got closer to a dude that was also in my situation, the two loners, but never much more that chit chat in hallways or some texts.
TL;DR: I need advice on how to approach my classmates and pursue friendship. All the friend I’ve had or have seem to be for the same reason. They take interest In me. How to change that?
7 comments
The easiest avenue to making friends is finding situations where it’s already clear you have something in common. In classroom settings, that can be “we both seem stuck on this assignment, let’s study together”, but there’s loads more than that.
Your college likely has clubs and student orgs – simply joining one expresses some level of interest in whatever topic the club is related to, and you can have an instant and obvious conversation topic to have with others. Once you already have a conversation going about one topic, you can find other ways to either explore other topics (like simply asking questions about their life and what they’re into), or topics that just come up organically (like when your conversation partner off-handedly raises a subject that you have knowledge, interest, or experience with).
Usually people’s favorite topic is themselves. So yes, just go talk to them is the first step, but if you walk up and talk about your favorite movie they may not jump into the conversation…now if you ask them about their favorite movie/hobbies/interests and keep following that up with more questions…then all of a sudden you’re in a real conversation. You grew up in Oregon? When did you move to New York? Do you still have family there? That’s cool, you ever visit them? How long since you’ve been back? Wow that’s been a while, what was your favorite thing to do there? What do you miss most about it? That sounds fun, I’ve never been water skiing, have you ever been snow skiiing?…and pretty soon you’ve learned things about them to use to strike up another conversation the next time you see them.
Get involved in club sport, a club around a hobby that interests you, or volunteer to meet and talk to people you have things in common with right out of the gate. Often making friends is just a by product and some of the pressure is taken off if you are gathered together to do a shared task or take part in a shared interest.
How about you tell them about your situation and that you would like them to approach you and invite you to lunch/learning groups/etc.?
What does your therapist advise?
I made friends in college by being around people rather that was in the dorm I stayed in or on campus and that put me in situations where folks would either say something to me or I would say something to them. You can join clubs on campus, find a student job that will have you interact with people, attend events on campus that will expose you to more folks etc. I know just talk to them sucks to you as advice but it has helped so many people get out of their shell, connect with folks.
Friend making recipe:
1. Attend spaces where the same people are going to be there regularly recreationally.
2. Try to talk to various people and be overall friendly, make an effort to ask them questions about themselves and then ask follow up questions about what they say. Work on your own state of mind and try to get to a place where you feel genuine interest in the people you are talking to.
3. Hopefully at this point some of the people that you are clicking well with will start inviting you to outside events, if not try to open that door yourself.
4. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with people as you get to know them better and start to trust them more. People like when you open up and reveal potentially embarassing things about yourself, it shows that you trust them and it makes them feel closer to you.
NOTE: First impressions are important: If the first time people meet you, you are hanging back in a corner and just watching it will be harder to overcome that perception. Try to be open and talk to people the very first time you meet them. Hobby groups tend to be great as it gives you a common safe subject that you can ask people about and be sure that they will want to talk to you about.
Making friends is often a snowball situation where making the first couple of friends can be hard but then it gets easier and easier as the more friends you have the more different sorts of get togethers you get invited to which means you have lots of opportunities to 1: meet other people in your friend’s friend group, and 2: have more opportunities to casually invite new potential friends to events you were already going to go to.
By far the easiest way to accomplish this is to find groups and clubs run by students at your school. It’s much easier to make friends with people in a similar situation as you as it gives you more common ground to build off of.
First step would be to go to your school and talk to some of the staff there and ask them if they know anything about student groups or clubs. Even if the person you talk to doesn’t know anything, they probably know someone that does know and can send you to them.
> I aren’t that gifted socially and have no idea how I’m supposed to approach my classmates.
So, social skills aren’t a “gift”. It’s not something that babies are just born with, social skills are actual skills that you can learn and improve on and practice.
Overall I want to say, that I’ve been where you are and I let my social anxiety rule my life for many years while I slunk around on the outskirts of every social group jealously looking in at all the happy people having fun and interacting with each other. A big part of the answer really is to just jump in and start trying to talk to people. At first you will probably feel a bit awkward, but it gets easier and easier the more you do it.
> All the friend I’ve had or have seem to be for the same reason. They take interest In me. How to change that?
Think about this for a bit from the other side. How did they make you into a friend? They took an interest in you, asked you questions, got to know you, started to invite you to stuff. It seems stupid to say it, but really you just have to reverse engineer the process and do the same to other people. The hardest part is getting over that little voice that says “I’m not good enough”, “People won’t want to be friends with me”. Reality is, sure some people won’t want to be friends, but you will be surprised by how many people will happily be friends with you even if just casually.
Remember the first time that you put yourself out there and actually approach and try and start a conversation with another person is by far the scariest, but trust me it does get easier every single time.
I wish you luck and hope you find yourself a nice friend group.
So this dude you chitchat with, have you ever asked him to hang out? That’s how friendships get started.