My girlfriend had a difficult birth with complications. The birth was through a cesarean section, and her intestine was accidentally perforated during the procedure. Her chances of survival were very low, and she spent time in the intensive care unit. Five weeks after the birth, we were fortunate to be able to go home as a family of three. The rest of her (long) recovery could be managed from home.
Aside from all the challenges of being new parents, this traumatic experience has truly turned our lives upside down. She has a significant scar on her abdomen from the emergency surgery. In addition to physical recovery, she had a year of therapy with a psychologist since her self-esteem was extremely negative.
I supported her as much as I could. In addition to taking care of her and the household, I took on almost all the childcare responsibilities for our daughter during the first six months. My employer provided me with the flexibility to make this happen, and I returned to work after about six months. I arranged daycare for our daughter to relieve her as much as possible. Fortunately, our daughter is her top priority, and she’s a fantastic mother.
After a year, her life seemed to be on the right track. I helped her find a suitable part-time job, and her scar was significantly less visible after plastic surgery, and she had completed her therapy with the psychologist.
During her recovery, there was understandably no space for our romantic relationship. I occasionally brought it up to prevent her from feeling like I no longer desired it. I let it go to avoid pushing too much. This has led to us drifting further apart as romantic partners.
About 1.5 years after the birth, I expressed how proud I am of her for how she’s handled everything but also emphasized the importance of us being more than just good caregivers for our daughter. She mentioned that she had a hard time juggling all her different roles: “mother,” “employee,” “friend,” and “partner.” She needed to be comfortable in her other roles before she could be a romantic partner (for me) again.
It’s the simple little things that truly hurt me. She no longer initiates cuddling, holding my hand for a walk, hugging me, placing her hand on my leg, kissing me instead of pecking, and sex is also off the table. I initiate all of this, and she only indicates that it’s not something she desires anymore; it’s a burden to her.
Now, almost 2.5 years after the birth, I feel that my own needs regarding our romantic relationship are completely ignored with no sign of improvement. When I try to discuss this with her, she quickly becomes defensive. According to her, I don’t understand her situation. When I ask what she needs from me, the answer is time. After all this time, it doesn’t feel fair to me anymore. I place her happiness first, so why does it seem like she doesn’t care about my happiness (anymore)? This needs to change for me; otherwise, I don’t see a future for us. With a heavy heart, I will choose to raise our daughter with separated parents.
I managed to convince her to go to a relationship therapist together, and we’ve been once. I want to give our relationship every chance, have done everything before deciding to end the relationship.
Which other actions / paths can you advise me?”
TL;DR: After a traumatic childbirth, my girlfriend withdrew affection from me, focusing on her multiple roles. Despite my support and efforts, our romantic relationship deteriorated, leaving me feeling neglected. We’ve started couples therapy, other advise?
19 comments
She had a near death experience and that changes perspective on life. My sister is struggling with mental health and once I thought she was dead, it made me question the relationship I was in because I only have one life to live. It seemed like a relationship out of obligation, something I was in because I was comfortable and in it for a long time, there were problems.
I would get a personal therapist; you sacrificed a lot and dealing with rejection like that is tough therapist will help here, it’s hard because she sacrificed more so are you being selfish (i would say no) therapist can help with this dilemma , therapist will also help you dig deeper to figure out if the relationship is right for you, if so what can you do to bring romance back into the relationship.
Lastly, this is your friend do you need the romance? Is she alright with you seeking it somewhere else and you maintaining a different type of relationship with her? Would that make you happier? Would that make both of you happier (possible to talk about this with her). There are all sorts of meaningful, deep, and nuanced connections that the opposite sex can maintain with each other that do not have to be romantic.
Gl mate
Keep going to therapy. You’re on the right track to figuring this out.
Relationship therapy is a great start. Do you two still go out on dates together? If not, scheduling a date together once a week or fortnight would be a good way to ease back into the romantic aspect of your relationship. Especially if you organise the few first proactively, childcare and all.
And it doesn’t have to be big expensive restaurant dates either. Local art workshops, board game or karaoke nights at a local cafe or pub, anything that gets you out of the house together for something you’re both willing to give a go and see if you enjoy together.
I’d suggest you both read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.
It will likely give you guys some insight on things and provide insight on things to talk about. Stuff can build up and get difficult to see, the book can help people with that. Pretty much everyone should read it even before any problems and definitely if there are.
Hey can I just ask is there a reason for it ? After my last birth I found it hurt to be touched anywhere , it made me angry . Turns out I had damaged nerves . Maybe she should see a doctor c
First of all: telling her you will leave and take her child half the time if you don’t get more affection/sex from her is the opposite of the way to get more affection/sex from her. She is telling you she’s already under pressure and that would be turning said pressure up to 11. If you actually want to fix your relationship: don’t do that.
Second of all: I glanced at your profile to see if there was any context, and I would reeeeally not recommend any of those dead bedroom, HL/LL type communities. From what I’ve seen, the vibe in those subs is… not particularly respectful or solutions based, and will probably just reinforce or worsen your resentment instead of giving you any useful way to deal with it. Couples therapy will help; places like those subs will not.
All that said— if your gf is defensive and says you don’t understand what she’s telling you, I would assume she feels like you’re not on her team and aren’t understanding what she’s telling you. She said she needs time and was struggling with her various roles; that means she’s under too much pressure that you are not helping alleviate. She acts like affection is a burden; that means there’s something burdensome about it. She’s a great mom and doesn’t put your happiness first, which feels unfair because you prioritize hers; that’s because your CHILD is her top priority, not her, not you, your child…. followed by every other role she told you she was juggling. She probably feels like she IS telling you exactly what’s going on, you’re SAYING you understand, but then your actions are showing something different. She probably feels insane.
To be blunt: when you are patient, helpful, and/or put her needs first, do you ever make her feel like crap about it? Do you expect more than she is likely to give and then seem disappointed? Is it possible she doesn’t show affection because she knows she can’t JUST hug you, you’ll want more and be let down even though she tried? If she is anything like some other women I know, she might know you take it personally every time she can’t be affectionate and feel like no amount of effort will outweigh the massive resentment you must already have toward her so there’s no point in even trying. Think of how sometimes, women feel unsafe being nice to strangers because we’re worried men will take it the wrong way and we just don’t have the energy to deal with them. Does she feel like that at home?
To fix this, I really feel you need to make sure she understands that you’re trying to understand her and are on her team. Ask her in therapy if she feels like you’re pressuring her, aren’t understanding what she’s telling you, or like sex/affection are a service she has to provide instead of something she gets to do for her own enjoyment. If she says yes, then apologize and try to fix it, no “yes but—” or “well you also—“ because you’ll never get anywhere as long as she still feels like she has to defend herself/her space/her right to her feelings from you. Really listen to her and see if there’s something she’s been saying that you’ve been missing.
Sorry if this comment was hurtful, it’s not meant to be, it’s just my best guess at what she might be thinking. I hope therapy goes well and you are able to work this out!
How are you doing with intimacy? I like that you’re going to see a therapist. Both of you consider what you want from it. Goals.
It does sound like post partum a bit, it’s treatable. She may not care about your happiness because she can’t figure out her own.
Discuss “the situation” with the therapist as the three of you, the therapist can help her to communicate her understanding to you.
Don’t stop therapy if there are sessions where either of you become very angry; that can be part of healing.
How is sex, cuddling, kissing, hugs? Intimacy… is practiced. It can be hard for people not used to touch or who are going through things to practice intimacy. Hold her hand, sit with her, hold her, etc., if she’ll allow that, discuss it in therapy.
Go on dates. What’s the point you see each other everyday? Yeah but your default has lost a lot of the intimacy. What do you both like doing? Escape rooms, laser tag, dinners, walks, pillow forts, hotel room, board walk, museums, etc.? 2-4 of those a month minimum. If neither of you go out much it’ll be hard at first, when you never go out you become agrophobic.
Does she feel fat? Upset with her body? This can cause someone to not want to go out or have sex. Ask in therapy. Don’t just be reassuring if that comes out, say stuff like “You are fucking sexy, cute, beautiful, most amazing woman in the world”, honestly exaggerate whatever.
If no sex; is the above why? Does it hurt? Scary? etc.?
So many things to look at.
A minor suggestion but I think good therapy goals are to explore how you can support her, understand her, and increase levels of intimacy in your relationship; physically all the way from cuddling, holding hands, etc., to emotionally like dates, and include sex of course as well. But what you sound to be lacking is really intimacy on multiple levels; if that improves I promise you’ll both be happier even if it isn’t perfect. The therapist is a really good resource for addressing root causes of why that isn’t happening, and making plans to change the dynamics so it IS happening.
Look for root causes.
Sometimes cuddling gets taken off the table because it leads to fights. For example, she might be fine with cuddling, but is afraid that you will then try to initiate more. Then she will say no, and it will lead to a fight about how she never wants sex any more. In that case, its easier to not engaging in cuddling. I’m not saying thats the reason, but something to consider.
She sounds burnt out since she is struggling to handle so much. Make sure she isn’t doing all the mental labor. Read “You Should’ve Asked” by Emma. Its a web cartoon/article, so its a fast read. And keep going on with the therapy.
I have to ask: do you or does she want to get married? Because if she wants to be married, I could see her resenting you after almost dying during childbirth
Did she (enthusiastically) want the child? I don’t want kids and if I was in her shoes, despite it being illogical, I’d still resent my partner for nearly killing me. Also maybe she’s terrified of another pregnancy and doesn’t want to risk it at all?
Honestly it’s clear that most people in here haven’t dealt with a DB and they just don’t get it. None of the “don’t pressure her” advice will work because after 2.5y it’s impossible to un-pressure her. You’re miserable without affection and she knows this. No amount of keeping your space and not bringing it up will undo that, she’s not stupid, it will forever be in the back of her mind, no matter how respectful and patient you are. And you have been patient, but it seems like it’s going nowhere. From personal experience and from spending time in DB communities, I have to say that most of the time there’s a point of no return and it’s likely you’ve passed that.
Imo you should give it another shot in therapy, you have a child together after all, but if there’s no improvement, there’s no point in wasting more time. What she went through is horrible and unfair, but you deserve love and affection too.
r/deadbedrooms
More therapy. bounce after no change
I had a really traumatic birth (also nearly died) and it took me a long time to have sex again. My entire body would scream NO at any contact they could be seen as leading to sex. After lots of therapy I realised that I was absolutely terrified of having sex (and possibly getting pregnant and having to give birth again) and I was going in to blind flight or fight mode at any suggestion. Not saying that’s definitely what is happening, but it could be a possibility. It took time for me to even identify that my resistance was fear.
maybe bc she believes cuddling, touching your leg, and kissing will insinuate that she interested in sex and she doesn’t want to give that impression. im guessing sex may be triggering for her considering the trauma that happened to her body. but i understand if that’s something that you need in a relationship and i also understand if you decide to leave because we all have needs.
but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about your happiness and if you cared about hers or placed it first like you say i think you would respect that she needs time. showing affection can be through something as simple as cooking you a meal but it seems like the affection you are looking for
is physical, so if the happiness you’re looking for interferes with her trauma then i agree that you two may not be able to continue but i don’t think she doesn’t care about your happiness! if you want to give it another shot i think elaborating your feelings to her again would help but i think it’s important to
mention that you just want affection and that you getting a kiss or etc doesn’t mean you are expecting sex and that it won’t lead to that just to reassure her that it can start small. i think that may be what she’s nervous about but i i ovbioisky don’t know. good luck in whatever decision you make!
What she went through was (and continues to be) extremely traumatic. Sending her lots of positive vibes. Is she ok being a “girlfriend” without the commitment / security of marriage or is that one of the many things building up?
Obviously couple therapy is great idea.
But I think you should be very open to the truth – that if things continue to not change you WILL leave the relationship. Not in an ultimatum type of way. In the ‘I want to be honest with you as my partner” type of way.
Maybe she is left with the wrong impression that you are annoyed with the situation but otherwise ok and don’t see it as a deal breaker. She needs to see it as such and make her decision.
Talk to Her, Take her out on a date, make all the arrangements yourself. Let her know you still think
She beautiful and sexy you still love her. Let her know you know things are harder now ask how you can help. Let her know you miss her and time together. Do that and I promise you won’t need therapy.
Very common situation, she’s tired, has
A ton of weight on her shoulders, prob has concerns with how her body changed. She
Prob thinks you see her different.
Trust me I’ve been in this spot…the secret is you got to talk…always talk..both of you have to agree to communicate and without judgment. It will change your relationship for the better.
I like how everyone in the comments is blaming you for your wife’s behavior. “oh she no longer wants to be affectionate? Must be a YOU problem” as though 2.5 years of no affection is just fine with no problems on her end.
I understand she saw a psychologist due to issues of self esteem, but did they also focus on her trauma?
She almost died. She’s only 34. Even if it’s in her subconscious, the fact that her birthing experience came close to ending her life is undoubtedly impacting her sense of security. And it’s near impossible to feel secure in intimacy with others when you don’t feel safe yourself. And you can’t even prioritize healing because there’s now a tiny helpless human you have to prioritize the safety and wellbeing of. So the experience of becoming a mother, for her personally, has required her to sacrifice her sense of security AND her desire to attend to her individual needs post-trauma. She had a near death experience which overlaps with her physical experience becoming a family of three. That is some heavy, complex stuff.
I also have issues with touch and it’s very situational. For example, in the past, if I would get a massage by a partner because my back was sore (offered to me because my back was sore) and he would start to get sexually intimate, I would shut down and dissociate. It sounds like your wife has trauma related to touch and touch causes her to dissociate. I read in a few of the comments that you said you took sex off the table and that’s helped. I think that’s your best direction along with couples therapy and slowly introducing intimate touch but with sex still being off the table. Sharing neck and back rubs while you’re watching a show (especially if it’s something like a comedy or an action show) where you’re each taking 30 minutes to give each other a massage, but that’s it, no sex. Try doing little things like that together where it’s intimate, but not sexually intimate. Go out and have fun together just the two of you. Go play mini golf or laser tag or disc golf or something where you’re being active and it’s fun (those types of dates aren’t really romantic, so the pressure of sex wouldn’t be on her mind). Baby steps. Go slow and let her come to you when she’s ready (and even then, go slow).