This is a throwaway account. I (25f) have a very complicated relationship with money and talking about money. When my husband (29m) and I got married, we decided to keep separate bank accounts and have one joint account to put money in for bills and necessities. I thought this was working, until recently.
Recently, I’ve noticed he has been going through my phone. I’m struggling mentally, and the only people I really have to talk to are my parents, which is my own fault. But I noticed that I had missed texts because they were opened and read, not by me. So I confronted him and he admitted to it. We talked about what he saw, and I reset some boundaries. I don’t have anything to hide, but all he had to do was ask if he wanted to go through my phone. I already had some feelings that I was trying to ignore about this situation.
The other day, I noticed that he had gone on my laptop, as it was plugged in and I had left it somewhere else. Thats fine, whatever. When I went to use it, I noticed that my bank’s homepage was open. I haven’t used my laptop to look at banking transactions in a while, so I thought it was weird. Weird enough for me to check the history. Lo and behold, he had gone through my personal bank account and looked at all of my statements without me present or my permission. Now, this would have been avoided by a setting that I previously thought I had turned on where you have to get a code every time you log in. But again, he could have just asked. He knows my relationship with money and how sitting down and going through my statements with someone else on my personal account makes me feel like I’m being controlled, so I guess he decided to do it himself.
Then, the same night, I woke up in the middle of the night and looked for my phone, which was under his pillow, not mine. When I unlocked it, my texts with one of my parents were open and scrolled all the way to August. I know for a fact that I had not been texting anyone and the last app that should have been open was Reddit.
I’m mainly just looking for advice, since I feel like my trust has been broken multiple times in the last few weeks and my privacy has been violated.
Does anyone have any ideas on why he is doing this? Did I maybe do something to cause him to not trust me enough to consistently break boundaries in the last week or so, is there something I’m missing?
Edit to add:
1. he could have been going through my phone our entire relationship and I just never noticed until now.
2. We’ve been together since I was 19
3. I’ve never asked to go through his phone before, so in turn I have never gone through his phone without permission. Same is said with bank accounts.
21 comments
Change all your passwords. He is continually breaking your trust. Until he learns to ask, he gets zero access.
It’s clear that your trust has been violated multiple times, and that’s not okay. Going through someone’s phone, laptop, and personal bank account without permission is a major breach of privacy. You did not do anything to cause this behavior, and it’s important to remember that this is not your fault.
It’s concerning that your husband feels the need to invade your privacy in this way. Open and honest communication is key in any relationship, and boundaries should be respected. It’s important to have a conversation with him about how his actions have made you feel and why it’s not acceptable.
If he continues to disregard your boundaries and invade your privacy, it may be necessary to seek professional help or consider whether this relationship is healthy for you. Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where your privacy and trust are valued.
Tell him upfront about it. And yes I agree with the comment above that you should change your passwords and not give it to him. Whatever his reasons for doing this is unacceptable, the fact that you already talked to him about it before and set boundaries yet he kept doing it is very disrespectful of him. Talk and be firm about it, and tell him how he made you feel of what he did.
Change pins and locks make sure go to your bank and let them know no one but you can take money out also tell your parents what he’s done so they don’t think you have ignored them
Is there any recent changes in the relationship he might be extremely worried about? Change in frequency of sex, or who’s initiating? Fighting more? You staying out late?…..
This is the laziest snooping I’ve ever read
It’s almost like he wants to get caught
Why are you married if you want to keeps secrets? “If there wasn’t anything to hide, why are you upset?”
How does it feel being treated like a man?
It could be lots of reasons; trust, bored or maybe control. I would just change all the passwords to everything and tell him he needs to ask to look.
This is curious because either he’s super bad at this, or he wants you to catch him. Him going through and doing stuff that he Knows you find particularly violating seems pointed.
His brother’s marriage ended recently, did he start getting standoffish with you? He said he’s checking if you are lying, when did that start?
And really, if you were to leave him, are you the type of person who would try to reduce conflict by leaving the house? Because the fact that your house has no debt on it makes it a valuable asset. No matter where this goes, unless you want to leave the Area and are compensated handsomely, you should not leave the house.
If a $5 Target charge can “set him off” from your early days together, it sounds like he also has some serious emotional issues tied to money. It could be that his brother’s divorce is exacerbating his emotional problems surrounding money and that still does not make this remotely okay. He is repeatedly violating your privacy either to manage his own anxiety or because he has control issues that are rearing their head again. I’d strongly suggest thinking deeply about whether or not controlling behavior shows up in other areas of your relationship, like your lack of going out without him. Also consider if boundary pushing crops up in other areas of your relationship, like in the bedroom or anywhere else. Also consider whether or not this could be an issue of simply money. Maybe he’s secretly short on cash or in debt and instead of communicating he’s sneaking around to make sure he can fall back on your money. If you’re fairly confident this isn’t about him being a controlling jerk with no respect for you, then marriage counseling is in order.
Guessing, a bit from experience, he has ended up in a hole in his head he cannot dig himself out of easily. So major question is if he realises this is unhealthy. If he does then there might be hope. If not, I’m sorry.
Something is going on with him. Drugs, gambling, excessive spending, cheating. He’s counting your money and hoping to find something you’re doing “wrong.”
Change all of your passwords. To everything. Your husband can’t be trusted right now.
I don’t snoop because I know it’s wrong. But I always want to just for curiosity’s sake. Snooping doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t trust you.
Looks to me like he has something he wants to hide from you and is trying to dig up dirt on you to use in case you find out what’s going on with him
Hey OP, him spying and not respecting your privacy is unacceptable and I can very much understand that it harmed your trust in him. Trust can be re-built, but it takes time and a serious effort of him to repair what was broken by his actions. Does he understand how you feel about his behavior and does he want to put in the effort to make the necessary repairs? Find out about that to decide for yourself if you want to put the effort that it takes to regain trust.
Also, just dropping that here because I was in a similar situation and would have needed someone explain this to me:
“Please don’t go through my messages and bank accounts” is making a request. Setting a boundary sounds more like “I expect my partner to respect my privacy. If that happens again, I will reconsider this relationship. I have set new passwords because my trust in you respecting my boundaries was broken.” And then, importantly, also respect the boundaries you’ve set yourself and don’t betray yourself by keeping people who cannot respect your boundaries close to you.
He thinks you’re cheating and he’s looking for evidence.
It’s obviously not cool for him to do, but if you’re looking for a reason to explain it that’s probably a pretty good explanation.
He could be doing some shady shit and now he’s projecting.
Super weird and controlling, leave him. It was creepy just reading your post
He doesn’t trust you for some reason, probably the anxiety that comes with not having regular intimacy. You need to work on it together and discuss how you both feel.
Would you say this is the only area he has been blatantly disrespectful in?
Take your electronics to geek squad and have them checked for hidden apps and spyware. Change all your passwords and file for divorce. This isn’t going to get better.