I know that there are much worse cases of a bad marriage and that probably even mine is not unique, but I feel so sad that my life has gone by and that I am condemned to live without the warmth and love that I desperately need! I don’t seek any advice perse, just thoughts and maybe if someone is going through the same.
We are married now for 18 years. Me (45F), he (47M), we have 4 kids, oldest 15 youngest 3.
We met through my sisters mother in law when I was 18, we first blindly without meeting started writing letters to each other (we didn’t live in the same country but we do have same ethnicity) and after meeting I kind of ended our contact because I had different interests than him and we were young. So almost a decade passed I accidentally saw him again and we kind of started seeing each other and started a relationship. We got married after 5 months of dating.
I truly loved him and I remember thinking how lucky I was to find a man that is in all fronts a good man.
After our marriage he came to live in my country because it is economically more stable.
3 years later our marriage started to crack after our first child, when she was about 6 months he wanted a divorce, I by accident found a note with his written demands for our divorce, I was really shocked. I confronted him with it and he admitted that he wanted a divorce because I wasn’t a good enough housewife for his standard (even though I worked 40h a week). We eventually worked it out, I was still deeply in love with him even though, I then and later on and till this day, I suspected that he married me out of different reasons but till this day he never admitted my confrontations. I was not ugly, to many even beautiful and with a nice body, so I could have had anyone, that’s what bothers me till this day, Why marry me while you knew I wasn’t good enough for you, why ruin someone’s life? He denies it of course, saying that he doesn’t have to say that he loves me (but he doesn’t even show it). I don’t remember when was the last time we kissed, I joke with myself that if someone would kiss me now that I wouldn’t even know how to. We do have sex, but it’s boring and always the same, I never finished, I settled with his pleasure and in the end asked nothing more in return because I know he doesn’t even know how. No hugs, no holding, eventually no touching. Over the years I just got used to it. I also with reason did less and less for him, because nothing I did was good enough, I stopped picking after him, stopped ironing his clothes, stopped making his meal for his work, truly if there was a reason for complaint I would admit it but it was just not to his standard! So I thought why do it if I am not appreciated!
In some argument he said that he was here just for the sake of the kids, it hurt but it opened my eyes further! He is a person who sees only black and white, while I see all the colors in between, he takes everything too seriously, I try to look for urgency and if it doesn’t have it then it’s not a priority.
So we now live our empty lives with our kids (who don’t lack anything) we stopped even saying a few words to each other on a day, I feel like we are not even considered roommates the way we live!
Why don’t I divorce? The main reason is the financial one because an apartment to rent are now as big as someone’s salary, it’s difficult and I know for sure that he would be resentful and not help me with the kids! I do love him still but wayyy less than I used to and I know that I would survive emotionally.
I know this marriage is toxic, but still I stay in it. I know I am not perfect and I never pretended to be, I have my flaws and I own them, he pretends that I cannot do better than him, that I don’t deserve better (his own words)! I just wanted to be loved and to feel loved, that’s all I wished, maybe I ask too much!
I honestly feel that if I eventually did divorce and find another partner that I would be lost in how to act and how to let someone love me, just because I am not used to it anymore. So I let life pass me by, the one life that I have and live with regret.
2 comments
It sounds like you because extremely resentful of him wanting a divorce and him not appreciating you enough, and have since checked out and made it your goal to show him how greatful he should have been, by refusing to do anything he would appreciate. No real communication from either of you.. just expression of resentment from him and you bitterly not asking/saying what you want. It is extremely hurtful for him to say you don’t deserve and couldn’t get better than him… that is not at all the point of marriage.. and you both seem to think about that.. as you think about how you could have had anyone..
I guess my point is.. open communication, appreciating your partner, asking for what you want, hearing what your partner wants and wanting to work towards it, etc etc.. are things that both of you would actively need to make an effort in if you two wanted to be happy together.. (and not just somewhat unhappily coexist next to one another)..
It sounds like there just isn’t a conversation being bad between you and SO where there’s complete honesty. Resentment, misunderstandings all come from a lack of communication. Maybe he feels the exact same way. Hence the letter and how he felt. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone has ways they WANT to be loved. Sounds like a conversation needs to be had. Write down 10 reasons you wanted to marry him initially, what drew you to him, what made you fall in love. Honestly focusing on one another’s positive traits, doing small acts of kindness everyday for each-other… that’s what love is. That’s what makes us feel seen and heard. It isn’t much more then this. So don’t give up on the marriage. Just communicate and soon.