My (34M) alcoholic sister (32F) and family are ruining my life

There’s so much to include here but will try and be as top line as possible. A couple of notes…
• My sister was diagnosed with OCD as a child
• My father left my family when we late teens (affair). He remarried
• My mother remarried

Not sure how important the above is but thought I would include it.

So I recently found out that my sister has been drinking on and off for years, and has hidden it very well. She’s had mental health problems, she has OCD (that’s the only thing that was diagnosed) but also she is a notorious liar, she craves attention and there are clearly some issues that may never be diagnosed. I used to think it was borderline personality disorder, or Bipolar. But years and years my parents have been trying to get her to go to therapy and I think she goes to one or two then just lies about going.

Anyway, she’s got a history of alcohol problems. Travelled the world to work min wage jobs which always end up with her abruptly leaving. Always some big drama whiz reveals itself to be drink related. She was back here in the U.K. living with my mum during lockdown, and for those two years she would on and off disappear every day, coming home drunk and abusive. When she is in a good place (if she has a boyfriend or a job she likes) she can go weeks without drinking, but then soon as something happens she’s binging again. If a bf breaks up with her or she suddenly hates her job or anything really. Because she’s also quite narcissistic (and it should be noted my mother is also a text book narcissist) I always thought she was attention seeking and didn’t really think she was an alcoholic – I thought it was a combo of she likes to worry my mother and because she can go long periods without I assumed when she was down she drank more.

So it was revealed to me recently that for the past 10+ years my family have hidden the true extent of her addiction from me. Again, this is from my mother and I don’t know how much is true (my mum seems to like worrying me for some reason) but from photos and things I’ve heard it doesn’t seem good. Most recently my sister has been on and off drinking since January (she currently lives at home with my mum and my mum’s husband) – but only drinking Friday-Sunday when not working, and when she works midweek (and has to drive) she is a saint (according to my mum!).

My mum and her partner have had my sister live with them on and off for years. So now it has come to light that they’ve had it really tough recently and my sister is drinking an insane amount. Litres of vodka and wine. Any time my mum is away she will go on extreme binges, often phoning into work sick. This has happened recently when my mum came to visit me (I live on the other side of the country). They came home to my sister drunk not at work. On the way back she sent them a text with a photo of her face with a black eye and bloody nose and said her ex beat her up. Not to down play this but because of her history of lying, especially when drunk, I don’t believe her. The photo looks like she’s just put make up on to look like this. She then left after an argument – disappeared for the entire day, then eventually messaged to say she was at her (new) boyfriends house and staying there. She hasn’t been home since and today she sent a text to my mum to prove she was at work. No black eye. Is she really at work? Did she forget that lie as she was drunk at the time? Nobody knows. She’s drawn lines on covid tests, and countless other lies in the past to (seemingly) get attention — I just don’t trust her.

So, with all the mess above, the drama going on and all the grim stuff I haven’t even bothered to talk about, I want your help and guidance. I live far away with my lovely wife and children. I try and keep minimum contact because I have a pretty tough job, and my children are still so young (3 and 1) that my life is so full on my brain could explode if I also think about my families issues too. But with the recent drama it’s causing me so much anxiety. I try and keep it together for my own family… sometimes I forget about my sister and mother and then when I’m reminded I feel guilty like I should be doing something about it. But they all seem in such a tough way I wouldn’t even know where to begin. And I don’t want to neglect my own family. My mother has been messaging my wife every day giving her updates (I found this out just now) despite her not being able to do anything about it. I think my mum has been chatting to her because she knows how stressed I get with it all.

This is all so messy I know. And I think deep down I need to be selfish and just ignore their problems and focus on my own life. But their latest visit, the struggles my mum has with my sister, my sisters mental state and struggles with alcohol, it’s all bringing it all back and I just don’t know what to do it’s all so overwhelming.

Btw my dad has his own life with his own family and kinda refuses to get involved. My mum thinks this all started when he left as it was a couple of months before my sister went to Uni and she had mental health issues before then – she thinks that this was what started her binge drinking.

One last bit of info- it does feel like my sister acts like a teenager despite being in her 30s. Doesn’t think about other people’s feelings, acts like a child sometimes etc. the most heartbreaking thing about all the above is that when she is sober and in a good place mentally she can be nice, good fun and lovely to be around. Nobody knows if this is the real her or the selfish version we get is actually her true personality.

TLDR; my sister is an alcoholic (maybe), definitely has mental health issues, and it’s taking over my mother’s life. She is sick of it and I feel like I need to help, but don’t know where to begin and I have my own family to look after.