I’m 20 right now and as long as I can remember my dad has been a man who yells, has poor control over his emotions and acts out built up anger in front of his family by yelling or smashing/breaking stuff. I wouldn’t say he’s a bad man, he has always worked and supports the family financially, but he has some obvious insecurities he tries to cover up by acting like an asshole.
How has having an emotionally weak dad effected you as a man? For me personally it makes me do everything to not become like him, and I feel like I subconsciously block out my emotions, just out of the fear of acting them out the way my dad does. It made me unemotional in a way. What about you?
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Mine never gave me any advise really, other than work hard at school. That was it, nothing really about how to conduct myself in the world, how people act, what they’re like. I was like a lamb chucked into the slaughter house with no knowledge of how other boys behaved towards little lambs, and no means to defend myself.
For me, it’s both parents I have virtually no relationship with my mom and my dad keeps a healthy distance. I wouldn’t say my dads “weak” but he likes to have plausible deniability when we argue about stupid things.
“I never said that” He’ll say… gets me so mad and irritated. I had to learn a lot on my own as he’s never really been there for me when I’ve been struggling or trying to figure things out as a young adult. But it made me more independent as i got older and less reliant on others.
He wasn’t around much, but I eventually became pretty similar. I’m not as openly childish, but I got his temper and drinking habit.
What I always told my siblings: “If dad actually followed his own advice, he’d be the perfect father.”
Sadly, that wasn’t the case. My old man is a Vietnam Veteran, on the Cambodian side. He was in the war at 15 and basically left in his early 20s. Also, a survivor of the Cambodian genocide. To an extent, I always try to sympathize with him: he was the oldest of 6 and did the best he can in order for his family’s survival. The stories he used to tell us when we were kids, I knew I’d be dead after about 2 weeks tops.
The man he became in America is a whole different story. Yes, the trauma has stuck and it is heightened when he is drunk, which makes him more violent. He is disabled so he doesn’t work and spends most of his time either sleeping, watching movies/Youtube, or singing Karaoke.
When he isn’t drunk or left alone, you’d hardly noticed he was there, but if he is drinking or coming back from one of his friend’s places, get ready for a long night and shouting until about 3AM. I’ll say that I am fortunate that he never physically abused us because he never believed in that, but in terms of everything else? He’s been shit tier: verbally abusive, cannot support the family financially, besides some teaching moments, he offered nothing else. I learned to shave my mustache at 14 from my older sister. Go figure. Never really had a father figure in my life. Just knew that I didn’t want to be like him when I got older.
My dad just simply existed. He had a good job, paid for things but he just wasn’t there. Always in front of the TV. He didn’t really have a backbone, or any ability to stand up for himself. Anytime something went wrong or didn’t go his way he would scurry to the TV.
He wasn’t abusive, he didn’t have anger problems, etc.
He was a nice man, very polite and he loved me, but looking back all he ever did was pay for things. My first 18 years of life, I didn’t know the man at all, I just really respected him for his career and status. Its crazy to think about when he lived a 10 minute bike ride away and I spent so much time at his house (my mom lived very close to him).
If I ever asked him for advice, he would say “figure it out” in an awkward joking way. I don’t think he ever knew what to do in times when things aren’t simple. It felt like all he knew was work and TV. That was his life, work and TV.
I used to stay the night at my friends house sometimes, and I would see their dad correcting their little brother. Of course the kid didn’t like it, but he was setting him straight and I actually felt jealous.
Like his dad actually took the time to correct a bad behavior in his kid and I wish I had that. His dad had a backbone and wouldn’t just turn the other cheek if his kids were to raise their voice at him (they never did), he wouldn’t run to the TV to escape a situation. He stood there and addressed the situation with his family.
When I have kids I want to be more than a wallet, I want to be someone who is active in their lives and can be relied on for advice. I love my dad, I really do, I just wish he was there.
Edit for spelling
I had to teach myself what a good male role model looked like, and I had a lot of concepts about masculinity I had to sort out. My dad gave me shit for everything in my personality my whole life, and then in my mid-20s he opened up and told me he’s pretty much exactly the same as I am in most respects, and was just lying because he didn’t want me to be a fuck up like he was. Told me not to cry, turned out he cries all the time. Told me I was weaker than my peers because I was broken, turned out he didn’t bulk up on muscle until he was 16 just like me. Told me art was for weak men and would get me nowhere, turned out he was painting murals for side money in secret. We’d have been best friends and had so much in common if he was honest but he had to lie for so long, and now I only show up for an hour on Christmas. What a fucking guy.
Saved this post, this is exactly my dad
Was never given and true advice on how to be a man and now that I’m almost 25 I have to figure things out by myself and its hard
My father was great until I graduated high school and grew up a little, then all of the issues became apparent. Quick to anger, doesn’t take accountability, throws temper tantrums like a child when anyone has an opposing thought. He was a hard worker, worked 30 years as a paramedic before his back gave out but now he’s just a miserable old man.
I try to get him involved in projects. I got into cars, got a degree in engineering and tried to help him organize his business expenses (he refused) and many other things. Between all of that living at home after college and him putting down my dreams I just stopped caring. Being forced to learn everything on your own (I’m older with a house now so plenty of work to learn how to do) kind of worked out but it really sucks not having a solid authority figure that you can respect.
When I needed my father to be a friend and mentor to me as I grew into adulthood he failed me, straight up. Gave me great advice as a kid but didn’t follow through. Give it some time and some life lessons and you’ll get there. I have the same desire to never make his same mistakes that’s the least we can do for our kids.
Not to burst your bubble, man, but blocking out his emotions is what your dad did too. You have to engage with your emotions, allow yourself to feel them, and express them in healthy ways, and really reflect on their causes. Otherwise you become a man who does what your father did: lashed out at others, because he can’t understand or come to grips with what he’s feeling inside.
I cut contact the second I moved out
Bad social experiences, anger, acceptance, moving on, improving. Might be too late for him to change but I learnt my lesson where being weak gets you and thats not a place I wanted to end up in.
My dad just was absent in general. Great at giving advice, but never there for his sons. I missed a part in my life where my father played with me as a kid; never motivated me when things got hard, and just didn’t communicate when he got home, but instead gave me orders and went back on his laptop to work.
I resented him until I started talking more with him after I moved out. I really can’t have wished for a better dad, as he never yelled, hit, hurt me, and stayed with my mom. In fact, I understood he had a hard time due to my mom her behavior. My mom turned us against our dad when she didn’t get her way, and my dad didn’t want the fight against my mom and his sons, so he disappeared behind his laptop to work.
I personally would have left my mom, but he stayed which made me resent my mom and like my dad.
So I’m really happy with my dad and am catching up my lost time as an adult with him now. Next week we’re going to sail.
Mine was never really here, he had another family or two to go to if confronted.
I became sorry. Sorry I’m on your way, sorry I walk to slow, do you want to go first, I’d invite you but if you like we can postpone. That kind of sorry.
Lately I’ve been thinking it’s some kind of manipulation or directing others.
What I’m gathering from these comments, and from personal experience is that a lot of dads have poor communication skills. From not being able to communicate their feelings, how to have uncomfortable conversations, or how to be a good listener for the people around them.
This was my dad as well. I wound up connecting with other father figure types throughout my life (coaches/boss/neighbors/etc) who were able to help me learn important life lessons without the barrier or me being their kid.
I struggle with this feeling of distance, never really felt like I connected with the man despite him always being around.
I struggled with authority when I first started working. Even in my late 30s I’m very conflict avoidant and can’t handle confrontations with authority.
When parents crush their children’s ability to stand up for themselves eventually it’ll spill over into the world outside the home. The worst part is they’ll never acknowledge their role in that.
It made me not wanna be like him, it made me cut ties with family, and it also made me hate talking to people. I have more fun training, or working than I ever do talking to people, whether they be friends or family. I’ve never spoken to him, and never will, and honestly I used to want to beat the shit out him, now it’s no longer worth thinking about.
My dad used to abuse my siblings and me physically, and continuously degraded us either in public or in private. He never taught us anything growing up, and never wanted to be involved in our lives, so we had to basically learn everything on our own, or from our mother.