For some background- We’ve been married for 5 years and each year it’s always the same story. I always plan & select my gift for my birthday/anniversary. I do this because if I don’t he won’t do anything (which has happened in the past multiple times). When we were dating he used to do all the planning. This has been the cause of multiple arguments where I have expressed how important these dates are to me & I would like a meal together (not cooked by me), a cake, and a small gift. We’ve even compromised that we would do the planning together & he could pick whatever thing he would like to do or eat -but that also ended with me doing everything the day before since he kept saying he was too busy. As we live far away from friends & family it has been hard for me to do anything fun since getting pregnant and having a baby. So I told him I was really looking forward to my birthday this year and wanted to relax and get drunk for the first time since 2 years. So I reminded him to please do something for my birthday and watch the baby.
Now here’s the main story. Some friends of mine that live far away came to visit and stay during my birthday week. During their visit my friends & I planned tourist things & got a hotel. On the day of my birthday we were having a good time being tourists. The plan was that once we check into the hotel one of my friends or my husband would watch the baby while I went out with everyone else to drink. However, since my friends were already in party mode by the time we got to the hotel -they weren’t in a condition to take care of the baby. So my husband said we can just take turns going out & taking care of the baby. As you can guess…I took care of the baby all night while they were drinking.
In my husband’s defense he did tell me “Happy birthday” that day, but there was no gift or cake like I asked. Outside of events- he’s great at home since hes an introvert and helps with the baby when hes not too busy with work. I love my husband and we get along well with anything else.
After my friends left I talked to him about it, how he hurt my feelings and he said he was too busy hosting to focus on me, so he would do something the week after.
A week after- nothing happened. Or the week after that.
So should I confront him about not paying attention to my birthday wishes after all this time has passed or should I let it go and just keep doing all the planning for the next birthday/anniversary? I feel like I’m just asking for too much of him while we are busy with a baby. Any advice would be much appreciated and thank you!
25 comments
Are you serious? Your husband went out to celebrate YOUR birthday with YOUR friends from out of town while you watched the baby? I would be livid.
He was too busy hosting to focus on you? You were literally the reason everyone was together. Definitely not high maintenance. That’s the most minimum amount of effort you’re asking for and he can’t even do that.
Honestly, that’s disgusting behaviour.
Look, I get it, having a baby can be tough and all, but come on, it’s not rocket science to plan a little something for your partner’s birthday. Your husband needs a reality check and a swift kick in the butt to start prioritizing your special days. Don’t settle for being the perpetual party planner, demand the love and effort you deserve.
I want you to go back and reread what you just wrote from a stranger’s point of view.
Your husband does not and will not plan things for you. He will not give you gifts. When your friends come in to celebrate, he goes out with them instead, making sure that you can’t celebrate.
Though in his defense, he did wish you a happy birthday.
So here you go: Happy Birthday. I, a complete random stranger have now done exactly as much for you as your husband.
This is who your husband is, and how he is going to treat you. He doesn’t need your friends to explain it to him that he’s a shitty husband. He is totally fine with being a shitty husband. If he felt like it was important, he would actually do some this for you. But it’s not important to him.
You are asking the wrong question here. The only question you should ask is if you want this to be the rest of your life. He won’t change, so you need to decide. This is it.
You might love your husband but it doesn’t seem like he gives a shit about you.
Wow that is so unacceptable and insane. He should have watched the baby the entire time for you no questions asked! What a selfish person.
For his next birthday plan a lovely evening out. Send yourself flowers, go for a spa day, buy a lovely bracelet. Take yourself out for dinner and enjoy it.
Leave him home with the baby.
Stop going to the hardware store for milk. He will never get it. And I think that if things are otherwise good, then perhaps this is one of those things you need to readjust your expectations over.
Does introvert mean AH?
He stole your entire birthday celebration from you and you’re saying ‘in his defence he said happy birthday ‘ ??
>In my husband’s defense he did tell me “Happy birthday” that day
That’s your husband’s defence?
He…acknowledged it was your birthday. He did the absolute bare minimum, and you’re treating this as a defence?
Oh honey, no.
A defence would be “oh but my husband stayed up all night making the cake and the food and the party decorations” or “but he did get me the amazing gift of a brand new car”
Acting like this is a defence would be like saying half a slice of bread is a meal.
>helps with the baby when hes not too busy with work
Oh boy. Again, THIS IS BARE MINIMUM.
As a parent it is your job to PARENT, not to just “help” sometimes. I’m so sorry that you’ve been conditioned to think this is normal.
You are being woefully emotionally neglected by this man. The bare minimum is not worth it. Please, raise your standards, and call him out on his terrible neglectful behaviour.
Your husband is an asshole. He shows you continually that you don’t matter to him and certainly aren’t a priority.
-won’t do anything for you, unless you plan it AND tell him exactly what it is.
Girl, really? How can you be too high maintenance when your standards and bar are literally in the lower basement of a high rise building. Your standards are so low, you defended your husband because he said Happy Birthday to you. The sad thing is, this man has made you feel so unworthy for so long that you think something is wrong with you.
Girl, it is time for you to take charge of your life. You have gone without for far too long. Start booking solo trips and leave that baby at home with daddy. Explain nothing. Go do things you want to do. Get some new friends. Your husband sucks. Your friends suck.
There is zero to like about your inconsiderate dirt bag of a husband. Absolutely zero. How much longer will you let this person treat you like an inconvenience.
Start treating him the same way stop being a pushover make your husband watch the baby and do stuff for yourself if things don’t change you will start to resent him
Ugh. Throw the whole man away. That’s the life of a mom. He sees you as the childcare. You couldn’t even really attend your own celebration but he did and left you all the work.
You’ve shown this isn’t anything new in your relationship. Honestly I’d be disgusted to even look at him.
Are you kidding me? So he treats you like shit and bails on you with your friends on your birthday. When is his birthday? You can leave him a pile of laundry and go out for the weekend to a nice hotel. Texts him Happy birthday, do the laundry k tnx bai. My ex husband treats me better on my birthday than your current husband treats you.
Honey, he is selfish. It was my birthday yesterday. My partner made me breakfast in bed, prepped the food for the party with me and during the party kept cooking the food so we had a steady flow of bites. He got me concert tickets and an apron I mentioned liking in June. I didn’t have to prompt him on any of this. He likes to make me feel special on my birthday.
This is what a partner should do for your birthday. Most importantly, he should want to do it for you.
Is there a reason you guys won’t hire a babysitter? That’s not a solution for the inconsiderate husband, though.
Girl, jfc. This dude does below the bare minimum of telling you Happy Birthday and you are wondering if you are fkg high maintenance? ARE YOU SERIOUS. Sephora sends me a gd happy birthday email. People I went to high school with 20 years ago and haven’t seen since wish me a happy birthday on social media. Your fkg HUSBAND should be able to do more than that. It is NOT HARD to take someone to dinner and get them a gift in the age of Amazon Prime. He just can’t be bothered and he is repeatedly telling you you aren’t worth this scant amount of effort. Have some respect for yourself and demand more from this loser.
Honey my friends would not have let my husband ditch me in a hotel room alone with my baby on my birthday so they could go get drunk with him. Please reevaluate your relationships. Your people are not valuing you, why? Why do you have to fight so hard to have one happy day? Why can’t your husband watch his child for 24 hours?
The thing that stands out for me is that your husband used to do things for your birthday before marriage but now isn’t making any effort, does he think you’re not important anymore or is he secured enough that you will just suck it up for the sake of your marriage. Either way this will cause resentment on your part especially he’s so callous with your feelings to the point of leaving you while he party on your birthday. NTA
Wow, he wished you happy birthday…. the bar is so low it’s literally in hell
Girl, I have flats higher than your standards. Happy Birthday, now your husband and I have contributed the same amount of effort to your special day. You deserve more from him. Also, my husband is an introvert, you know what he gets excited about? My friends coming to go out on the town with me, because he gets to stay home with our baby. That’s right, he wants to stay home, and I really wanted him to come out, he would find a babysitter and be good natured about coming out, because he’s my partner and he knows it brings me joy. It breaks my heart that you are defending this slug. I hope you have a serious talk with him. And please share all these scathing reviews of his humanity.
He was too busy in host mode while partying with your friends at what was suppose to be your birthday celebration to focus on you? How does that even compute? I’d be so hurt tbh… Your friends and your husband were really crappy to you. I’m sorry that happened! I hope your husband makes it up to you because he was absolutely in the wrong and you’re not high maintenance at all for wanting to do something for your birthday other than HIM going out drinking with YOUR friends.
Your husband sucks. Also, why would you friends allow this? If I flew into town to celebrate my friend’s birthday, and her husband shows up instead of her, best believe I’m saying something.
>So my husband said we can just take turns going out & taking care of the baby. As you can guess…I took care of the baby all night while they were drinking.
Like others have said, your husband is an AH. But you are also a pushover.
I would never had said “sure, let’s take turns”… on MY birthday with MY friends who came from out of town? You need to start speaking up. You should have said “fuck no”. Also, you know him best and I’m pretty sure you knew he was going to bail. He was going to get drunk and then come to take care of a baby drunk? That was the plan? It didn’t even make sense!
He is full of excuses so stop making excuses for him or buying his shit. Grown women who are out partying don’t need him to host them. They are adults. What type of hosting was he doing exactly? Did he pay for their drinks? Acted as a body guard? Flirted with them?
I’d also be upset with your friends. WTF They never thought “where is our friend and why is her husband here and not with the baby”? If I were your friend I would have been livid.
He’s actually a lousy husband who doesn’t take care of you. He might work so that bills get paid but he sure doesn’t treat you like a partner or even like someone he values and cherishes. It sound like your happiness isn’t on his priority list at all.
OP what do you want from your life? What do you want it to look like in five or ten years? Based on what you’ve said so far this is what it’s gonna look like. Is that ok with you?