I’m (30M) not ready for children but my girlfriend (29F) is.

35 comments

1. Biologically, for her, the sooner the better, especially if more than one is part of the plan. There’s also the argument that it’ll be better for you and your kids as well. Kids take work and energy, that doesn’t get easier as you age.

   Having them now means they’ll be grown and gone while you’re still in your 50’s. Still plenty of time for travel then.

2. At the end of the day, your time horizons aren’t all that far apart. Perhaps you could try to “front-load” the travel and other things that you want to experience and get as much of it done within the next year or two as possible. You might decide you’re ready to settle down sooner than expected.

   Also, consider that your girlfriend might want kids sooner than later due to the health risks associated with advanced maternal age. Pregnancy past 35 is considered high-risk for both parent and baby. If you want more than one kid, that might not be easily attainable in 5-6 years.

   You don’t have to decide your first-born kid’s birthday right now. Just be up front about your intentions and what you want to achieve before settling down. If waiting is a potential deal-breaker for her, it’s probably better for both of you to confront that issue sooner than later.

3. You should be honest and talk to her, and prepare to let her go.

   You’re not ready to have kids and no one should under pressure, if they have a choice (which right now you do).

   She’s ready for kids and if she stays with you she has to put her dream on hold. She also biologically take on additional risk—she may not be able to have them once you’re ready, or will have to do it at a higher risk (risks go up for 35yo women). That’s not fair on her.

4. When I was in my 20s I thought ‘ah, I’ll want kids when I’m about 35’, and I wasn’t really factoring in the actual time it can take to get those kids into the family. I just sort of imagined them appearing when I hit 35. If you want to wait 5 or 6 years before you even try, and you two want more than one kid, you and your girlfriend might be in your 40s by the time you’re having your last kid…and that’s not adding on any big challenges with fertility. The longer your girlfriend waits, the higher the chances of a more complicated pregnancy and birth and that she’ll need expensive and physically taxing fertility treatments. If having kids is the one big thing she wants in life, waiting is going to be a hard pill to swallow.

   That’s not to say you should have kids if you’re not ready. But you should be really thoughtful and specific about what readiness means to you and what you need to get there, so your girlfriend doesn’t feel like she’s just waiting for this vague sense of ‘not ready’ to dissipate before she can take the next big step in her life. Like you say you want to travel…do you have specific goals in mind or is it more like you imagined you’d hike Machu Picchu at some point and you don’t like the idea of not being able to…but also it’s kinda unlikely you’re actually going to? Are you fully committed to wanting kids and wanting them with her, or are you not sure and are hoping in 5-6 years you’ll be more sure? Ask yourself these questions and be extremely honest with her about the answers. She gets to decide from there how long she’s willing to wait.

5. Let her go she can’t wait forever like you and it’s not fair

6. The reality is this isn’t a fair discussion. Like it or not she has a biological timeline. It’s not fair to expect her to wait when that might mean she’s never able to have kids.

   Edit: Also, I just want to add personally I never really had a moment where I felt ready. We had a timeline and we stuck to it, but both times we got pregnant it was like ahhhh what are we doing?! Parenting is a huge step and it’s good you’re aware of that, but if you’re waiting for a perfect time, it’ll never come.

7. Let her go man. You clearly are not mature enough for kids right now. She is already 29 dont waste more of her time.

8. You’re waiting on a feeling that you may or may not ever have, and you’re assuming that maybe you’ll feel that feeling “some day” ie in ~5 years. But it’s very likely that 35 year old you won’t in fact be a more mature stable and secure Real Adult version of you that feels 100% confident in his ability to be dad of the year. In case you haven’t figured it out yet: no one feels that way, we’re all just faking it.

   Here’s what you need to ask yourself: If you feel the same way in 5 years, what will you do? Will you have kids anyway and learn to get over your reservations? Or will you continue to string along the woman you claim to love until the decision to (not) have kids has been made for her?

9. Don’t have kids you don’t want! But do ask yourself if you ‘maybe, want them in five years or if you want the oldest to be born in 2028. Be honest with yourself, then be honest your gf.

   Give her the chance to part in good terms if your life plans don’t align. Don’t string her along. Don’t have kids you don’t want to keep your gf.

10. Please let her go. If you feel like this right now, there is no guarantee you’ll be ready in 5-6 years.

11. Isn’t 3 years plenty of time to travel and do things? If you really can’t see yourself trying for a baby in her timeline, you need to let her know because you might never want children. Please don’t drag it out for her, if she wants to have children with someone she loves (and has been with for a while) she doesn’t have super long.

    In 6 years your gf will be 35 and any pregnancy she has will be consider a geriatric pregnancy and higher risk. The chances of certain conditions that aren’t compatible with life go up at around that time too. Plenty of women give birth after then but it’s not guaranteed. It’s not fair to expect her to wait that long and have to deal with the anxiety of complications.

12. Wait. Let me get this straight. You ALREADY waited until she was nearly thirty to have kids. And now you want to wait until she’s mid-thirties?

    Dude, fess up to her you don’t want kids, get a vasectomy, and go find someone else that’s going to be child-free. This gives her a chance to find someone else who wants to be a parent, rather than leading her on and lying to her until she’s mid-thirties and struggling to have ANY kid. AND doing it with a body that’s not as resilient as when she was younger, too.

    I got pregnant really easily at 38. It was great. The preclampsia wasn’t or all the other problems that went along with being an older mom. I had to have a doctor’s appointment and checkup EVERY SINGLE WEEK because in your late thirties you’re high-risk. And we had to have her three weeks early because we couldn’t safely wait any longer.

    So, let’s say you wait five years. Congrats, she’s now 34 or 35, and THEN you want to try for a baby??? Guess what? She’s already done the math in her head, and you don’t have much time to either figure your shit out, get a ring, and talk kids, or figure out how to untangle your finances as she goes to find someone compatible who actually considers her safety and her health when making decisions.

13. Shit or get off the pot when it comes to marriage and children.

14. I had two exes waste my time from 22-26( he was 30, and then when i was 26 to 29 (he was 31.
    I’m now 31, with a dedicated partner. We’ve been actively trying for a year without success.
    I know for a fact I was fertile in my 20s due to an ectopic pregnancy when I was 27.
    Don’t waste her time. Guys really don’t understand how awful this is for women.

15. > putting my personal dreams on hold like I did for graduate school.

    Holy shit…what? Wasn’t that part of your dream? You sound entitled to an annoying degree. Don’t be surprised if she leaves you if you make her wait until she’s at the start what’s considered a geriatric pregnancy before you even start trying.

    You need to get your priorities in order, bro. Stop being so selfish.

16. She doesn’t have as much as you do to decide. In 12 years, it will mostly be done for her. There are exceptions that spend thousands of dollars for infertility to get pregnant. It is much harder, and most don’t try. If you are thinking you don’t want them. Let her go, and let her find someone without your issues. You have a right to not have them, but don’t be selfish and prevent her from having them….Just let her go. It is an incompatible situation.

17. You’re wasting her time, honestly. She has already waited 4 years for you. You are asking her to carry a geriatric pregnancy. I think you need to look up the risks of doing so because it’s generally not a good idea.

    If I could turn back time, I’d have children by the age 25. I waited too long for the wrong guy. I’m positive I won’t be able to have children anymore. You have no idea how much this bothers me.

    Guys need to stop wasting time. She will not be as fertile in 5+years.

18. Having a child takes two yesses. Having said that, if it’s about timeline and a yes otherwise, there is never going to be a perfect time to have a child. Until you start trying you don’t even know what that road looks like.

19. Dude your timeline puts your GF and your future kids at high risk. If you can’t commit to kids in 3 years or less, you need to let her go so she has a chance at a normal pregnancy and not have kids with birth defects.

20. If you aren’t traveling now through next year, even for weekend vacations, then you are wasting both your time. Make the travel plans and show her now if that’s your plan. You need to communicate your intentions.

21. You’re going to die one day – fun fact. Are you going to regret waiting to go to Costa Rica (or some other country for three weeks), or are you going to regret not being able to spend an extra two to four years with your kids (and maybe grandkids) before you die? Because at the end of the day that’s what you’re losing by waiting since you’re both financial in a good spot.

    Additionally, you can travel with kids and people do it all the time. By in laws travel with their 1 and 4 year old all the time, I had friends that took their honeymoon with their six month old in Costa Rica. Worst thing that happens is you put off visiting Lesotho for a few years and visit with your kids.

22. You’ll both be in your thirties by the time the baby is born. You ARE later in life.

    Also you’ve already been with her for four years at your age and still haven’t proposed? It sounds like you have issues with commitment in general.

    You had all these thing s you wanted to do before kids—why haven’t you been doing them over the past four years?? If you haven’t, you probably won’t if you wait either.

23. Let me put this into the proper perspective, she wanted kids -4 years from now, and you want kids 5 years from now… A loving spouse would consider a 2-3 years from now compromise to be an amazingly understanding and considerate compromise. And not push for their full 9 years since we met preference. Also it can be very challenging to get pregnant after 35. Y’all should actually start with planning and testing soon. To figure out where your fertility is at before waiting another 2-3 years to start

24. Sweetie. By the time youre ready (which i doubt you will be then tbh) shell be 35. And 35-37 is on average when a womens fertility starts to drop. Its more challenging then. Not impossible but more challenging (i literally had this discussion with my gyn on Wednesday cause im 30)

    Yall need to sit down with a couples psychologist and hash it out. Find out if you even want kids or if yall should split now while she can move on and find someone else

25. She’s 29. Wanting children in 5-6 years puts her STARTING TO TRY at age 35. That’s “geriatric pregnancy” for baby #1. (Gross term, but it is what it is. And what it is, is high risk for her and for the baby.) If you know you want kids, plural, have your kids. Do not run out the clock, man.

26. Don’t waste anymore of her time. You may or may not regret this in the future

27. You have the luxury of waiting forever but your girlfriend doesn’t. Biology is what it is. You need to compromise on this. 2-3 years is plenty of time to travel.

28. You’ve been together 4 years. You don’t want to marry her or have a family with her, do you? Be honest with her and yourself and let her go. If you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her you would be climbing all over yourself to marry her and start a family. Using her as a place holder isn’t fair to her.

29. The longer your gf postpones children, the likelihood of fertility problems increases every year. It’s fine that you’re not ready for children, but if you expect her to wait 5 to 6 years, you are out of your mind. It’s very unfair to her. If you don’t want to try for kids in 2 to 3 years, break up with you girlfriend so she can find someone more compatible.

30. One thing I wanna know is…..are you actively doing any of these things you wanna do? Actively planning upcoming trips? Taking up new hobbies? Or all these just pie in the sky plans you’re using as an excuse and just wasting time?

    What you should do though…. have you considered actually talking to her? Have you bought a ring to propose? Seems like there’s a lot of talk about future plans and no actual planning here. You’ve been together 4 years. Get going or let her go.

31. Time to break up. She has a biological clock. In 5-6 years she may not be as fertile and may have a harder time getting pregnant. So she’ll be 34 when you’re ready and 35 when she actually gets pregnant and possibly 36 by the time she actually gives birth. That’s just the first, if you want more that’ll be even harder.

32. In 5 or 6 years, you two will be rapidly approaching your 40s. That’s a long time to wait, and she’s probably afraid you will still won’t be ready and move the goalposts after that time has passed. Not necessarily saying you would, but it’s a reasonable thing to fear.

33. >From the start she has always felt ready for children, while I wanted to wait until a bit later in life.

    >I just don’t have that same desire right now. When I see kids, I see the responsibility they pose and I’ll have to go back to putting my personal dreams on hold

    >The thought of having children now doesn’t scare me as much as it did 4 years ago but I know I don’t have the same desire my girlfriend does.

    Have you ever considered that you might not want kids at all? Because it sounds like that’s the case, and you just don’t know it yet. The thought of having kids scared/scares you, and you keep putting it off even though it’ll pose health risks for both your girlfriend and the child if you wait much longer.

    Children have greater risks of health risks and birth risks when the father is 45 or older, although some sources seem to state 35 or 40. For women, it’s as young as 35, and the pregnancy and birth risks apply to her, too. Do you really think you’ll be ready in a mere five years? Do you really think that she’ll want to wait that long?

    It’s okay to just not have kids. You can live your life the way you want. But it sounds like you may not be compatible with your girlfriend, and you’re kind of leading her on here. It sounds like you’ll never be ready, and she’ll be stuck waiting for you, even at the expense of her health.

34. She has been waiting for 4 years. You dont sound convinced, so you should give her the opportunity to find a man that is ready to start the family

35. You made her wait until 30 and now want her to wait until 35. Be kind. Break up with her or marry her and go for kids. Anything else is cruel.