I am the person at fault.
Background:
I come from a home where my parents were constantly yelling and angry at each other and they talked that way to me as well because I was unplanned.
Especially my mom would constantly say in my presence that 2 kids are the ideal number and she never talked to me or talk am interest in my life. When she did talk to me it was in a tone that conveyed contempt.
She claims to love me but I have never felt it.
As a result of this, I was timid with no friends and lots of pent up anger.
Now:
I am married to a wonderful human being who is the best thing that has ever happened to me. However, my pent up anger causes me to get angry and raise my voice and be rude for the stupidest things that make me wonder, once I have calmed down, why this thing would even rile me up at all.
I am ruining my marriage because of my inability to control my tone of voice and anger. I want to change this so badly before I drive him away but I cannot afford behavioral therapy.
What can I do? The anger is explosive and I can’t even tell when it comes.
I really want to better myself because this affects every aspect of my life.
Any advice is appreciated.
Thank you for listening.
16 comments
Talk with whoever you pray to for calm. Pray to whoever you believe in for temperance, get you some pink boxing gloves and go have it out at your nearest rec center. There’s a quote my grandma taught me “if you make a speech while you’re angry, it’ll be the biggest speech you’ll regret “ remember to think before you speak. And remember everyone’s got a demon in them trying to over kill and help you survive first using whatever tactics you witnessed/grew up learning to use. If your first instinct is anger and you know you have the anger demon, stop, take a second, think, and begin to redirect yourself from the venom you carry. Your brain is trained for survival and can over do it. It’s okay, try meditation and honestly I think anyway you find inner peace (music in the background or not sitting or standing or not) is under the meditation umbrella if you believe in the Bible, read it 💗 if you know tea ☕️ calms you. Drink it. And communicate with yourself in your head, you know you love this person… but YOU have to train yourself on when it’s genuinely appropriate to protect yourself. If the one around you really does love you and you really love them, talk with a soft tone, no swear words… go run that shit off if you must, I have anger and other things that jack up my relationships and sometimes it really is just me and my crazy protective thoughts that led me to a ledge in the first place. Much love, keep going you’re doing great coming here for advice, that means you’re conscious enough to want a different path ✊🏽 respect 💗
Therapy. You need to learn how to self regulate your emotions and communicate while angry without verbally abusive behavior. Get a therapist that specializes in anger management.
My husband grew up in a home filled with domestic violence and abuse. He also has a difficult time regulating his anger and will lash out at me when he’s really angry about other things. It is very emotionally damaging to me and damaging to our relationship.
When you get angry are you able to just leave the situation until you can get under control? Or do you feel like you have to stay and fight until you destroy what you are angry about?
If you can excuse yourself, talk with your spouse at a non angry time and tell him you will leave when you start feeling angry so that you can get a handle on yourself and not hurt him.
If you just want to destroy something in your rage you may not have the presence of mind to leave the situation. This is serious and very unhealthy.
Either way you really need professional help. I’ll be honest I don’t know how you could get past it without some kind of therapy. Check into universities/colleges or possibly through your work (if you are employed). Many times you can find free or decreased rates in fees.
Your inner child needs healing. Until you go back and deal with the past you may not be able to let go of the anger. If you love your husband you’ve got to try everything you can to not take the anger out at him.
It’s not easy and I’m sure because of your past and anger you feel bad about yourself. You are worth finding healing though. Just because you have this problem now doesn’t make you a permanently broken person. Acknowledging that you know it is wrong is a big step towards healing. You can get better.
This post really spoke to me. My husband struggles with the same but has taken the victim approach instead. “I shouldnt be triggering him if i know he struggles…” etc. my advise? Therapy. ASAP. Every day you wait, every “explosion” you have becomes more and more damagin to your partner. And after that you feel like you let it all out and can move on but your partner is left there with all the wounds. If that keeps happening, it will get to a point of no return.
Koodos to you though, for understanding the problem! That’s a huge step right there!
Self-help books?
I have a similar problem. I now count to 3 before i speak. Works wonders.
Look into emdr therapy. You need to identify triggers and desensitize your automatic reaction to them.
If u can’t afford therapy go to the library and check out some self help books on the subject. Check community resources and they may offer some free anger management classes.
I struggle with this too. I just saw an awesome podcast today that gives practical tips to curb and control our anger biologically. Hope it helps you!
https://youtu.be/RBK5KLA5Jjg
>The anger is explosive and I can’t even tell when it comes.
You are going to learn to be able to see it coming, learn how to avoid it, but even more importantly, learn how to control it when it does come so that you are able to stop yourself behaving in ways you dont want to. Even in the middle of a blow up.
Anger management is real. There is good science behind it.
– sign up for Anger Management classes this week
– start looking into how you can access Therapy for your underlying issues
– sit your spouse down, tell them you know you have an anger problem, youre sorry it is affecting them, and outline your plan for improvement.
My wife did this when I first met her, but I immediately stood up for myself and set strong boundaries. I communicated as clearly as possible that verbal abuse would not be tolerated, and that it is not okay. We went to a couples therapy, and she has since received advice and coping mechanisms to help when she is feeling that way. I’ve also been able to better myself and drink less.
Side note, my wife thinks she has PMDD (similar to PMS, but worse). Hormones can do crazy things that are sometimes out of your control, so you can’t always blame yourself.
Communicate clearly with your husband, and work together. I’d recommend counseling.
The good thing is that you know you have issues of anger to fix at least for the sake of your married life and to make your partner happy who deserves a better partner in his life. First thing you need to tell him how you feel and how you know what you need to do to fix this so he can show his support during the process of you getting better. Give him your full plan to fix this like how you would like to see a therapist to Learn how to manage your anger and how you can do better in married life. I am sure if he loves you then he will be with you and will help you to fix this and there is nothing like that you cannot learn to manage your anger but for that you need to see an expert.
I come from a family that yells at each other and gets the anger out, and then acts like nothing happened. My ex was the opposite, where people gave the silent treatment, so he hated it when I would raise my voice in a disagreement. We agreed that if I was starting to raise my voice, he would say a kind of code word. If he said it, it made me kinda “check” what I was doing and how I sounded. Sometimes it would piss me off even more, but most of the time it helped me calm down, take a breath, and try to explain myself in normal tones.
One of the things I noticed, as a result, was that I often resorted to raising my voice when it felt like my ex was not listening to me. I kept raising my voice in an attempt to be heard. I’m just curious, but do you think that might be similar for you? Do you feel like your partner isn’t listening/being respectful? There are ways to have a conflict without disrespecting each other. Maybe look up “conflict resolution styles” and see if you can identify how you and your partner each are. That might help you a bit.
I had a lot of anger from my childhood. It came out in other areas of my life. I couldn’t argue with my husband in a normal way. I always got too angry. One thing that helped a lot was to write my life down. Just my childhood, like a memoir. I’m not trying to publish it or anything, it was just to get it out. I also confronted my parents and went low contact that way they can’t hurt my anymore. Then I went to therapy with my husband to learn how to argue properly. I feel so much better now. More at peace. I still get angry, like a normal human, but it doesn’t take over anymore. I’m in control now.
I’ve struggled with anger issues my entire teenage and early adult life, it’s hard to say where it stemmed from, my parents where decent, it’s hard to say you grow up through childhood with no trauma but I find myself having horrible fights with my wife, and I just cannot control myself sometimes, in the sense of my words. I am a sensible human and would never lay a hand on my wife, but we can never have small fights. They always blow up into something more. Particularly due to my ability to analyze every situation and find the root cause. I’m going to seek therapy because I feel like my marriage is not in a safe place and I love my wife, we are highschool sweet hearts and I’ve worked my ass off to build us a future, we have a house and just bought her a new car. We just can’t stop butting heads sometimes.
As a 16 I know it’s stressful I’m not married or shit but what I can say is this In my family with inheritance of anger issues with a girlfriend who is heartless and doesn’t show it all though I know she loves me it’s gonna be stressful cause your NOT FEELiNG IT. Try talking with your partner try explaining to them how you feel, what you feel like is going wrong and ask her how to fix it, be there for her, be by her side, your anger can become your peace the more time you spend with her. For the anger it’s a natural thing, but what you can do to improve, when you feel that angering tension building up immediately remove yourself from the situation tell her “hey ima go cool off I’ll be right back I love you just give me a couple minute” by doing this your showing her your changing, your showing her that you can be a calm guy, your showing her that you can be more than just some anger headed man, cause if you lose her at fault it’s gonna hurt even move when you lose her at fault.
That’s my take on it much peace and love from a 16 year old, bless you, stay up, peace!