i know reddit isn’t probably the best place to get information and opinions, but i really want a second (or a few) opinions from sources outside my own friends who could just be biased and are probably a bit sick of hearing about my boyfriend (lol). this is probably really stupid but whatever.
my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost 2 years, both in highschool. but lately it’s been a little bit of a rough patch, and for a while i’ve considered breaking up, but i don’t know if that’s even what i really want, and it’s a really sad aching thought ending things, but it’s also a sad thought feeling the same way i’ve been feeling (pretty shit). for context, we haven’t spent a night together in about a month, and haven’t seen each other in 2 and a half weeks. we also haven’t talked on the phone much (small talk yes, but conversations, no… this will come back later)
he’s a kind person, and generous, and caring. but other days he just seems shallow and disingenuous. every couple bickers, and often so i’ll only mention things from the past few months. he has issues with sex, which is fine and something i would never pressure him into, even though it’s something i want to do. i’ve asked him before and he’s replied with a no, and i’ve simply brushed it off and said it’s all good. but there’s been times where we’ve been intimate and there’s stuff i don’t want to do but he doesn’t brush it off in the same way; he begs me sometimes… and once i felt sick and i said i felt physically sick so i couldn’t and he just rolled over angrily and said he was going to bed. a bit later he rolled back over and assured me he “didn’t actually care” and he “loved me” but it was the fact that he even acted that way in the first place that really really hurt me.
and that goes onto another thing; my own sort of wants sexually in a relationship. i want to try more, and i want to explore more. but it’s something i’d never pressure him to do, you know. and that’s okay, and that’s valid. it’s in no way not the end all of the relationship or why, i’m just bringing it up i guess because he got sex toys recently for himself (which again is fine, he should be able to explore himself and have his own needs met etc. whatever), but he also follows and has been following a lot of male onlyfans guys on instagram, (it’s something i expressed discomfort and how it made me feel, previously around a year back but i said it was fine and he doesn’t need to ‘unfollow’ them; i’d never consider it cheating). but when we aren’t doing stuff that he enjoys watching and simulating, it just makes me feel like i can’t even compete, and i hate that feeling, like i’m not enough. i know it could be due to his own issues with intimacy, and i’m sort of being selfish for feeling hurt by this. especially considering how i treat him when there’s stuff he doesn’t want to do compared to how he treats me when there’s something i don’t want to do.
currently in the past month he’s had exam study, and he takes it seriously (he’s in his last year so big stuff. i’m in my second last year). i wouldn’t expect him to put study over me in a million years and we did talk about how we might not spend as much time together during this period. and the fact we haven’t seen each other in a while hasn’t been just on his end, it’s also been mine availability too. his best friend has also been going through a pretty painful breakup so he’s been supporting her a lot more and prioritising time with her over us (which is very fair too!). but with all this i guess, it doesn’t really leave us much time anymore, which made me a bit sad but not to the point where it’s something i would put blame on him for or confront / have a conversation with him about. i also go to bed a lot earlier so it’s even less time over the phone etc.
but the other night, he messaged me how he wanted more ‘gay friends’ to relate to on a platonic level; and said how a random gay guy the night before (also with a boyfriend) messaged him on snapchat after i fell asleep. my boyfriend told the other guy that he also had a boyfriend (me). i don’t know how the conversation started, or what the conversation was, and at this point i’m just trusting my boyfriend. apparently they just talked about issues being ‘gay’ and stuff. the other guy ended up blocking him. my boyfriend isn’t the type to cheat and he was really transparent with me when he talked about this so i don’t think anything overly sketchy happened. and now THIS isn’t what really made me feel shit, i want him to be able to have other gay friends and guys to talk to, but it’s the fact that we had barely had a conversation for a month, and sort of stopped asking me how my day was as much etc. etc. the past few weeks, yet had a proper convo with this guy (not sure how long, but it would have been significant enough for him to bring it up). and it GUTTED me.
i immediately talked to him how i feel and assured him i felt uncomfortable of the fact that we were distancing, but this whole thing with a random guy happened, not the fact he was making friends with other guys (which i would obviously never have an issue with). i also brought up when a similar thing happened a year ago (i was at my lowest point, and he started talking to another guy instead of me. they didn’t do anything flirtatious, but the other guy expressed interest towards my boyfriend. it was a whole thing but we made up and obviously he stopped talking to him.) anyways, my boyfriend was really apologetic and immediately sort of changed how he was acting and this week started asking how i was more often and talking to me more etc. yet it sort of felt forced. of course he would change and i appreciate and recognise that, but i feel like it still hurts me because it had to get to the point of me saying something.
and that goes on to where we are now. i was going to come over this weekend to see him but he made a plan with his just his friends on saturday night so i didn’t. he also expressed interest in seeing me during the week, so i know he doesn’t NOT want to see me (or at least i hope), unless he was only saying that to make me feel better.
as much as i want to bring this all up with him (which i sort of have brought up some of my issues in the past to a small extent), i feel like i can’t without saying how i’ve felt like ending things. and if i told him i felt like ending the relationship, i really think it would upset him a lot, and i don’t want to regret it. he’s an amazing person, but he also hurts me a lot. i suppose we just have different wants and needs and priorities at this time in our relationship, and i’m not saying that it won’t change or it’s like doomed.
sorry this was so long if anybody reads this, it was also cathartic to just write this all out regardless.
1 comment
Why doesn’t he want sex