Background: College best friends who met 15 years ago. Roommates for a few years post-college. I introduced him to his (now) wife and we were each other’s best men at each other’s weddings.
Over the last 5-6 years, my wife and I have been noticing that the friendship between us has started becoming extremely lopsided.
We started noticing little things at first — We used to have them over for dinner, but they rarely reciprocated — or if they did, it was like frozen burgers and a bag of chips while we’d be making actual meals. Then even at potluck holiday parties with a larger group, we’d be making big dishes and they’d bring a $5 grocery store pie that of course nobody ate because it’s gross. We stopped asking them to bring food to these parties because it ended up in the trash. Then when we do meet up, it’s almost always by their house and on their schedules.
Then it became bigger things. A 3 hour engagement photo session. Spending a few weekends over the years helping to pack/unpack and move to their new homes as they upgraded. A 3 day weekend helping to tear out and lay down new flooring in their basement. Setting up and giving away a spare computer to his wife to start her own side gig. Heck, consistent helping with tech problems.
The last 4 months have kind of been the tipping point. Child’s birthday party? Yep, I was asked to bring my camera and take photos. Babysat their toddler for 7 hours on his wife’s birthday and not even get pizza ordered for us or a thank you card. A month ago, they asked if I’d take fall family photos of them (I made an excuse to not). And then this week they are hosting Friendsgiving. Guess who was asked to bring the turkey? When I declined, they decided to get a fucking Costco chicken instead because they are too lazy to make a turkey themselves.
On the surface, I don’t mind helping my friends out. I never asked for payment for the photos and we volunteered to babysit.
The issue is they pretty much never reciprocate. When we moved last year, his wife was “sick” that weekend due to pregnancy and he didn’t want to leave her. My dog doesn’t like their dog because they never trained their dog and their dog nips at mine, so they can’t even dog sit for us. Since they don’t cook, they don’t have us over for dinner, or even take us out to dinner as a thank you gesture.
I’m a bit stuck. On one hand, he’s my longest guy friend I’m still in contact with and frankly one of my closest emotionally given our lives have been so intertwined for the last decade and a half. I don’t have a lot of other friends who I am on that level of trust with. On the other hand, I kind of want to call him and his wife out on the lack of effort that someone who’s entering their mid 30’s should know isn’t fair. I mean fuck. We don’t have kids but even I know that if you babysit for 6+ hours that you leave some money for dinner.
Anyways, thank you for listening to my rant.
4 comments
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Have you talked to him about it? It’s a pretty difficult problem to solve if both of you aren’t aware of the problem. I’m sure he’s not sitting at home each night say ‘hell yeah I used my friend again today and gave nothing in return’
It’s a difficult topic to bring up and should be handled with care but you guys should talk about it
Well, call them out on it. The first time you do it, don’t be a dick about it, even though you’re mad.
Chances are they aren’t even aware of the disparity, especially if you never complain to them.
How are people supposed to get better and improve if nobody is willing to take the risk of giving them friendly feedback?
You’re clearly holding a grudge against your friends for their (perceived) lack of cooking skills. There’s a couple of ways forward here:
1) Get the fuck over yourself and have some more compassion
2) Offer to help them learn better cooking / nutrition
3) Directly tell them their culinary choices disgust you
It seems like he is asking, and you are obliging.
But when you decline there isn’t a problem.
Have you tried actually asking directly for things that you would like help with? Or are you expecting him to just do them.
I’m very much a ask me and I will do anything, but if you don’t ask I assume you’re good.
I also don’t expect anything in return if I help out a friend like you seem to. There is no expectation in a friendship, you just know that if you ask they will help you when needed.
If my friend left me money for babysitting his kids I’d be pissed, I’m your friend not the help