Hi all,
I never done this. But I am legit so over life right now I dont even know what else to do.
34 yrs old woman, married to my 34 yrs old husband. We have 3 kids and been together since we were 21.
We had ups and down in those years but also pulled thru. Nothing major just life events getting to us…we moved from scotland to Oz in 2019 so it’s been busy these last 5 years.
Right now im just trying to write this without going into too much details but, I need help with this : last September, I pretty much walked out of my job because they treated me very badly and I couldn’t take it anymore (office job). I found a new job as a support worker (I have done this for many years on top of administration) but unfortunately the company I picked wasn’t giving me enough hours to financially support my family so I searched for more work. I found a job and im starting in a few days.
Its been 2 months without working. I am not someone who enjoy doing nothing, I like going out to work in the morning, dropping my kids off to school and coming home to them. It’s good for me to have a routine (I have adhd)
The past 2 months I unfortunately been hit with a lot of bad luck….sickness for me and kids, job hunting and many rejections, friends unfortunately busy (totally normal!!) , cancer scare (i have thyroid problems), our poor dog just broke its paw in a freak accident while running, and I am beside myself with anxiety , because I hate him being in pain but also financially feeling guilty (vet bill is in the $1000 so far…).
Thru all this, I have tried to stay afloat and carried on. Not once have I cried or made a scene or lost it. But today I just couldn’t take it anymore. I snapped at my husband and I said I wasn’t feeling well (I was over stimulated with the kids and very down) and he just left me with my feelings.
Not once he came to me, and “be there” for me.
And it hit me. This is what he does when things get hard for me…he emotionally bails. (I want to add I am always there for him and I will always listen and help the best I can!!!!)
He has always done it this way, just retrieve in his own corner when i am facing hardship, and im usually quite strong and pull they’ll alone!! But I suddenly noticed it more because frankly I am just at the bottom of the barrel right now emotionally and I am so so tired to carry everything alone.
Starting a new job in a few days with a dog who technically cannot be left alone…..might have to move house because rent is gonna be put up and it’s gonna be too much…
Im trying to put on a brave face. But today I couldn’t, and instead to be met with love and support, I was met with nothing.
He just has been pretending im just not here all day.
And I don’t know what to do.
In short : I wanted for once the person who share my life to be there for me emotionally, a shoulder to cry on if possible…and nothing happened. And it scared me for possible future hardships like growing old and sickness and life !!!! I’ll have no one….
I have no family here. Friends all have their lives and I don’t want to bother them…
I am so lonely it hurts 😞
5 comments
You are going through a lot right now. 😔 Are you involved in a church or faith-based organization? You could consider reaching out to one for support during this challenging time.
You have so much going on, it could be that your husband has so much stress also, that he has nothing left to give right now.
1) Are you medicated? That can be transformational but needs to be done carefully, if it hasn’t already been done. It can be stressful being the partner of someone with ADHD if it is not being treated and if that partner has not found the right strategies for better executive function processing, etc. Sometimes the exact time that someone with ADHD needs the most help is when others run away, because they misunderstand. Has your husband read resources about how to be a good partner to you?
2) Is there an ADHD support network or women’s support network where you live or other club you can join? Is there a friend you can talk to? Can you Zoom or Skype family or friends back home if friends in Australia can’t help?
3) Hopefully writing this post down has made you realize how much you’ve achieved. Yes, you’ve had bad luck but you’ve done a lot to make the best of it.
4) If you can get marriage or ADHD counselling, e.g. via insurance, I’d go for it and see if your husband will join. You have needs he isn’t meeting, so maybe a third party needs to help guide you both to a better solution.
5) Two months with no routine must have been awful. In the next few days you have off, can you do something to fill your days, e.g. something energetic, going to do/see something you’re really interested in, etc. You have to fulfil your needs before you can fulfil a partner’s needs. So if your husband is disaffected because he also has unmet needs, you need to take care of you first and try to use this last bit of freedom to find a better way. Maybe someone else can babysit the dog while you get out for a bit.
6) Don’t borrow trouble. You don’t know if you need to move yet or if your husband is going to be unsympathetic for the rest of your marriage. Hopefully a counsellor can help with the latter.
Have you told him “I want you to comfort me” ?? People have different ways of handling stress, he might think you need and want time alone, especially if that has been the status quo for a long time.
Tell him to figure out solutions to things like the dog. Be specific.
No way? I’m 33 with ADHD but I’m on medication that helps a lot and my husband is 35 and we have 3 kids and today I had a breakdown and I reached out to him and crickets. No support!!! I’m just trying to relax and let the answer come to me..sometimes I get in my head and heart and I realize not everyone is this way..
Your husband is an “Avoidant” partner. There are plenty YouTube videos on the subject. Something probably traumatized him long ago that he doesn’t talk about.