Husband want me to be a SAHM…

39 comments

1. Definitely don’t acquiesce and quit. If you like working and more importantly need the money then keep working. Someday things might not work out with your husband (or worse- something could happen to him) and you MUST work- you might have a lot of trouble if you have a sketchy work history. Tell him that if needing to provide more makes him feel emasculated then he should “man up” and do it.

2. There are plenty of valid arguments for having a stay at home parent.

   Personally, I wouldn’t recommend it even if he were making twice as much as you.

   If he got a better paying job, would you leave your work and be a stay at home parent?

3. Spend the next 3 months living solely on his income, put 100% of yours into savings.

   Maybe when he feels how tight it is, he’ll understand.

   Bonus is that you’ll have 3 months income as an emergency fund.

4. Tell him to come up with a budget on his income alone that pays all the bills. Basically, prove to you that the (soon to be) four of you can live on one paycheck. If you have a 401(k) at work that you’re contributing to, add in that any budget he comes up with will require a contribution to an IRA in your name matching your current 401(k) contributions + employer match. I would also make sure that any budget he comes up with accounts for things your new baby will need (doctor checkups, diapers, clothing, food, etc).

   Make it clear that until he can prove that you’ll all survive on his income alone, you’re not giving up your work.

5. Being a stay at home mom in your situation is a terrible idea. Something has gotten into your husband’s head, but it is not logical and will leave your family worse off if you decide to listen to him.

   I would also hesitate to let him be a stay at home dad if he brings that idea up. While men can absolutely be wonderful full time parents, it takes a very driven and self determined person to be a good start at home parent. You must manage a household under completely self imposed deadlines with no sick days and little adult interaction.

   I would recommend some couples counseling, as a trained communicater would be good for him, but if that is out of the budget or he refuses, then you should write out the pros and cons of you being a stay at home mom.

   Next, schedule a sit down with him and tell him you want to go over the logistics of his idea. Show him with hard math how much your budget would have to be cut, the risks of living on such tight margins, especially if he were to get sick or die, and the financial impact your career would take by losing all that time working.

   Offer to compromise. If he can get a stable job that makes $80,000 or more per year, is willing to get a post nup that will pay you for the career hit you took to be a stay at home mom should you divorce, and keeps a life insurance policy on himself that you are solely in charge of, that you are willing to reconsider the idea. But he can’t just make promises, these things have to be completely done before you will consider the idea.

   Hopefully, these things will bring him to his senses. If not, well, it’s not like he can force you to quit your job or to do attending school.

6. I was a SAHD for about 5 years. It was an amazing time with the kids.

   It 100% changes the dynamic of the relationship. It is extremely strange to not have a paycheck with your name on it and to be dependent upon somebody else for money.

   With all that said he doesn’t make enough to be a single family income. That is near poverty level with a family.

7. Yeah definitely don’t do that. Idk what his issue is but it’s kinda concerning he’s that stupid about finances

8. > Buuuuttttt that would leave us solely reliant on his 35k/yr income and that isn’t logical to me at all.

   Yeah, that’s a “Lol, nope.”

   >Is this some weird man thing he’s going through? Is he trying to like make himself feel more “manly” or something by trying to get me to be completely reliant on him?

   Has he been going down any Internet rabbit holes about masculinity lately?

9. You can’t afford it. Unless you guys don’t mind living at or below poverty level, but you’ll just be hurting the kids.

10. Don’t you dare leave your job. You’ll regret it a ton!

11. So what’s his solution for the lost income? It doesn’t have to get down to what you pay for or what he does, just ask him honestly so then how will we have health insurance and everything paid for with the loss of income? Then suggest trying out living on his income for six months. Obviously if you have childcare then you still pay for that, but let him actually experience what the family will be able to afford if you stop working.

    However, yes, I think he needs to feel a sense of power and control and maybe even a friend said something and he’s concerned you’re going to realize you don’t need him, so he wants you to be dependent.

12. never surrender your independence and economic power, unless you want to

13. Um. He’s nuts.

14. I am guessing your husband is insecure/threatened by the fact that you earn more than him and will probably outearn him even more after your undergrad. The comment about him saying you’re “emasculating him” is the giveaway. It’s not a coincidence that the 2 things he wants you to abandon are the job and school.

    To be clear, it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong. It just sounds like he’s got some buried issues in his head.

    You’re already doing the correct thing which is ignoring his very stupid request. He might come to his senses on his own but I would suggest you push him into therapy. Maybe he’ll be more willing if you say you are also doing therapy.

15. It could be that he actually sees that you are going to pass him with your career, and he doesn’t like how that makes him feel. Right now you make “a little” more, but you are on the path to make a lot more and advance faster than he is with your degree (presumably), while you say he is stagnant. So – yeah, I think he has insecurities over this and is looking for a way to ease them. If you stay home, then he doesn’t have to feel “inferior” anymore. Given his suggestion isn’t logical or even viable, it is clear this is an emotional response to something.

    I would just tell him you have no interest in changing your lifestyle to live on one income OR stopping work right now. Tell him that you are open to going part time, but only if your combined income is AT LEAST as much as it is now, so that you are not trying to live with less, especially since a second child is additional cost!

    If he is the one who isn’t ambitious, it would actually make more sense for him to stay home, although I understand that even exploring that option would be an insult to him. It seems completely misaligned with his desire to be the breadwinner and have a SAHM wife. Typically, you have a breadwinner type who is all about making more income and being the earner, or you have a person who isn’t interested in advancing or more money who doesn’t want the responsibility of the breadwinner and is happy to have back up. Both of these in the same person, that raises some questions for me…

    Quite honestly, his insecurities are his issue to deal with, not yours. Assuming he is feeling like he should be doing better and he should be the breadwinner, he doesn’t seem to be doing anything to make that even a possibility. So, why not? This sounds like a person who has some confidence or self esteem issues to me. This is very delicate because obviously he has some sensitivity with this, and his career is his business (I don’t think you should tell him what to do), but I might talk to him about where he sees his career in 5 years, just to see what he says…

    By the way, I know people and jobs vary a lot, but the only experience I have working from home with a child is during COVID when childcare shut down. Let me tell you – it wasn’t something I could do long term at all. Granted, my job has a LOT of video meetings, so it is not like I can just walk away whenever. Maybe an infant is more doable because they do sleep a lot and aren’t mobile, but I had a 2 year old at the time, and it was next to impossible, even with BOTH my husband and I at home, we were stressed to the MAX. We had a lot of arguments too because of this added stress, it was not a good time for our marriage. Just something to think about, working and child care might not be viable once the kid is walking around and a hazard to him or herself. You might want to plan ahead in case it starts to be a problem for you!

16. The fk?? U make more than him and he wants you to stay at home??

    This mofo makes 35k a year??!! Where the fk u living where u can be a sahm at??? Lol

17. You should ask him if he plans on working longer hours and potentially a 2nd job, what world does he live in if he thinks 35K is enough income to support a whole family.

18. Does he suffer from a cognitive issue or perhaps on a new medication? What he is proposing does not seem rational.

    Perhaps you two should sit down with a piece of paper, describe the two scenarios, present and proposed, and make two columns of pro’s and con’s. I bet the analysis will be pretty clear.

19. Don’t quit. That’s my vote. It takes a lot more work to get some skin in the game after you’ve taken a hiatus from being a SAHM. I know from personal experience. You’ll have to work your way back up after taking years off and it’s hard. Doable but hard.

20. I’m a stay at home and we make about 40k right now because husband is starting a business. It’s not enough, we’re deeply in debt. And I have a house I bought in 2008 for 192k so our mortgage is mad cheap compared to others. We also don’t shop for things besides what we need. Like used clothes occasionally. Eat cheaply, no meat or dairy. Don’t go out to eat except on a very rare occasion. And I don’t even have to pay for health insurance because I’m a veteran. It’s still not enough. I think 80k we’d be comfortable and hopefully we get there soon because I’m about to have another baby! I do love being able to be home with my toddler and soon to be newborn so it’s worth the financial strain at the moment. If you don’t want to be at home though, my god definitely don’t do it!

21. He can want what he wants but his want is devoid of reality atm it seems. What a little insecure bitch.

22. Also everyone is correct, he is feeling some type about about his masculinity. Ask him if he’s rather just stay at home because you make more and have a greater earner potential. Because that’s the truth. See how he reacts.

23. I WFH full-time and have a bunch of kids. I do both. I make just slightly more than my husband. I stayed home for a little over a year between undergrad and graduate program and HATED it. Just not me and I want to have my own money/career. But I am happy to WFH while my kids are present (but I would totally respect anyone who sent the kids to daycare while WFH because it’s a lot).

    The girl across the street from me just had her second kid and she stays home, drives a crap car that needs breaks desperately, her husband leaves town all week for work in shit car, they have a housekeeper (I find this odd because the house is a 2 bedroom no more than 1000 sq ft and she never leaves the house)

    My point is that her and I are two very different people. I wouldn’t be able to live my life like she does. I sometimes wish that I could, but I would be so bored and probably verging on suicidal after a few years. I would be unfulfilled. Not to mention that I do taxes and it’s so sad what little the women have compared to their husbands. Especially in social security.

    Do what’s best for your family and like the other person mentioned. While you’re out on leave try just living off his income and saving yours. Can you make it? Are you enjoying life with your newborn?

24. Why are there so many posts with Neanderthal man telling their partners to be SAHM?

    I would planning and exit strategy.

25. Can I ask what you do for work?

26. >He keeps telling me I should quit my job
    >
    >cut back on the amount of classes

    So he wants you to interrupt your career progression *and* slow down/stop the education you need for gainful employment???

    Sounds like he wants you completely dependent on him. That would be a hard “NO” from me.

27. We are all at lowes

28. Where can a family of 4 even pretend to be able to live off of 35k? If you make more and have bette insurance, why wouldn’t he quit his job?

    This isn’t rational.

29. Don’t! I repeat, DON’T become a SAHM unless the conditions are right AND you’ve always wanted to be one. Don’t do it because most your check is scarfed up by child care. Don’t do it because it would make your life “easier.” Most of all NEVER do it because someone else wants you too (I’ll give an exception to the kid if he has a preference because I know about those heart strings). I don’t know why he thinks that’s even reasonable or what he may be going through, but yeah, no.

30. Lots to unpack here and i could write a novel. But I will tell you it is one of two things.

    One. He hit the intellectually challenged branch on the way down.

    Two. He is actively trying to make you dependent on him. His manhood is threatened by the fact that you are going to make more than him and you will be carrying the financial weight of the family. I mean, in his eyes, once you finish your degree and can live without him why have him around. It is a defense mechanism of the insecure.

31. He doesn’t make enough to support a sahm and two kids.

    35k is almost near the poverty line.

    He needs to swallow his pride and stop listening to whomever is meddling in his relationship.

    But if he isn’t convinced, sitting down with him and looking at the numbers, especially with a new baby coming.

32. Being a dad that works from home saves my family around $15,000 a year on childcare. But goodness, I know it’s all contextual but I couldn’t imagine raising a family on $35k a year.

33. Um you are making more than him and working on increasing your earning potential. HE should be the SAHP

34. This makes absolutely no sense logically so I’d guess he has either gone down some alpha male Internet rabbit hole or he’s just feeling insecure, in which case y’all need to talk about his feelings in addition to why this is logically nuts.

35. Ehh it could just be that he’s swept up in the “ideal” home of him bringing home the bacon and you happily taking care of home and kids.

    My husband also thought he wanted this until I stayed at home for 18 months after our first.

    We worked out eventually that actually what he wanted was a happy wife who does earn but also homemakes while he works full time and does his share around the house.

36. The only thing I can think of is that he’s been listening to Andrew Tate or been watching those TikTok’s about tradwives lately if this is a recent development. Has he ever talked about you being a stay at home mom before now? Living on 35k/yr is hard even when you’re single.

37. I seriously would suggest keeping your job. Later on, the longer you go without working, the harder it will be to get back into working.

    If he’s not willing to get a better paying job, so you can be a stay at home wife… Then he has no right to ask.

    Sadly, he might be going through mid life crisis, wanting, needing to feel like a “man”, and in his mind it might be the old fashioned steryotipical ways, man works, women stays at home, cook’s, cleans and takes care of him an the kids. Her basically relying on him. Also, it would put you in the position of being unable to leave him if shit hits the fan. That’s my thoughts at least.

    Even if you and him end up struggling with lack of money, he might resist you working again or going back to school.

    I don’t have kids, but I would seriously think long and hard about this.

38. He doesn’t sound too bright unfortunately; don’t listen to him and just try to placate his emotions the best you can if you stay with him.

39. I don’t understand why he would want you to quit if you’re already a SAHM who has a remote job, that’s like the perfect situation 🥲 I’d keep the job and save the money if he wants to be the sole financial provider cause that’s just silly