This is such an awkward thing to post but I feel weird bringing it up to people around me as they would know too much about my partner. I 27F just really don’t know what to do. My boyfriend 28M has had an issue for over a year now where he constantly leaves crap in the toilet. He does flush at least once but he’s clearly not checking to make sure everything’s gone down. We’ve been together for almost 2 years now. We live together and share a bathroom so there’s no way for me to escape this. It’s starting to make me view him differently because I feel like regardless of how many times I bring it up, nothing ever changes. He says he’s flushing but it’s not like the toilet is just clean until he leaves and then stuff comes back up after he’s exited the bathroom. I never have any issues myself whenever going to the bathroom. He’s tried to say toilet paper will be in there after I use the bathroom so there must be an issue with the toilet but i WFH and he works at an office 40+ hrs a week and I never see anything in the toilet whenever he’s gone after I go. He does have adhd so I’m wondering if he’s just forgetting to check after going #2 but it happens multiple times a week and I bring it up so frequently it’s hard to see how he would forget that much. I also have adhd and I don’t forget. I think he just doesn’t care. He grew up in a household where people did not care about their own personal hygiene. I don’t think it’s due to a mental change either seeing as it’s happened since we moved in together. There’s not a way to get a place with a second bathroom anytime soon and I feel like I’m going crazy right now having to deal with this so frequently. Can anyone give me some advice on what to do? I don’t know what else to say or do to make it stick that I am really unhappy about constantly seeing/dealing with this.
TL;DR: need advice on what to do about a SO who you live with that doesn’t flush properly after going #2
16 comments
Every time he walks out of the bathroom, go in and take a picture of the toilet and show it to him.
This is like the most basic thing and you’ve dealt with it long enough. Come on. I couldn’t be romantically attracted to someone who left his shit for me every day. I once broke up with a guy because he was super messy and would pick his nose constantly. It’s ok.. this can be a dealbreaker for you.
He is comfortable and it’s not the good kind. This is equated to someone wanting to brush their teeth while you poo. It’s gross to some and a big deal. This is a big deal because it shows he can’t be bothered to do something you’ve been complaining about for years. He doesn’t care to change it and it might change for a bit (maybe a week or so) but it won’t change long term.
The bar is on the freaking floor and he can’t step over it. This is outrageous.
Lmao I had to deal with this when moving in with my bf, tbh I had to shame the fuck out of him, it’s insane to me that that many people don’t actually check if it actually flushed. Keep talking shit, you’re not asking anything at all from him besides the bare minimum, and it’s a fucking disgusting thing to wake up to. You have every right to be pissed and tell him off every time is happens. DONT let it just happen to you, speak up he has no excuse at all
I’d actually leave it, go stay with friends or family, and text him letting him know why.
People are going to have strong feelings about this, but if you want to stay with him, you might try one more time to talk to him about it, and express some curiosity about why he does this. You already know that his home environment was seriously lacking, so this is going to take some effort for him to learn/unlearn. The question is, is he willing to do it? I’d sit him down and say, “When I walk into the bathroom and I see the toilet like that, I feel _____. Can I ask you to put yourself in my place? Would it bother you to walk into a bathroom where the toilet hadn’t been flushed?” Really try to engage him, and see if he’s willing to reflect on this behavior. If he brushes it off, then you have your answer. If he tries to think about it, then you have an opening to say: “I hate that this is starting to affect our relationship. Is this something that you feel that you can commit to changing?” And if yes, “How can I support you? Can I help you come up with ways to help you remember?”
This is all assuming that he is otherwise a good person and good boyfriend. If this is just one of a large set of behaviors that you find off-putting, then you want to re-think the relationship.
I have ADHD and whilst it could contribute to this, if my partner had to bring this up even twice, I would be looking for solutions, calling my doctor to up my dose, SOMETHING. He’s being a gross jerk by not taking responsibility for it.
I guarantee he’s sitting there watching his phone and not paying attention. I had this issue with my nephew who was living with me. He is only 14, but that’s plenty old enough to know how to potty like an adult. He would take massive dooks and forget to flush. I made the bathroom a No Phones zone and wrote a sign on the inside of the door reminding him to flush and wash his hands. It actually cut down forgotten logs quite a bit!
I can’t imagine someone who can’t be bothered to flush after a number 2 is actually taking the time to properly wash their hands. There are basic levels of hygiene and cleanliness that can be a deal breaker for you.
You have a man who is barely potty trained let’s be real here, is your bar really that low?
Thank you for posting this because I thought I was insane for getting annoyed by this exact thing from my ex. Definitely a contributing factor for our breakup because I ended up just being disgusted by him in the end. also just had a lot of issues with forgetfulness/carelessness overall.
Unfortunately have no advice, some people are just careless and unhygienic. Not your job to ‘fix’ someone. Might have to shame him into being more considerate but… I think that also takes a toll on a relationship sometimes. You shouldn’t have to mother an adult.
Tell him no woman or even roommate wants to deal with this. This is not normal, and he needs to take measures to figure this out. Maybe for him, that means checking again right before he walks out. I would tell him I don’t care what system you have to make, but this is not going to stay this way.
I think his excuses are weird and gross. Let him know you no longer except the excuses, as you should have never had to deal with this to begin with and are getting very tired of it FAST.
It’s just plain weird that this is an issue. Like why is he not embarrassed? Why is he acting like this is normal? Why does he think YOU are supposed to be willing to deal with this?? I think it’s very telling of his respect levels for you and for himself.
Ah yes this is a problem I have too – WITH MY 8-YEAR-OLD.
Maybe post visual reminders to flush in the bathroom and on the door? Try reminding him without anger or judgement every time, just like he was still potty training bc he is.
Give this scenario a set period of time (2 weeks? A month?) and if you haven’t seen significant improvement, sit him down and tell him that you having to clean up after him every time he goes #2 is destroying your romantic feelings for him, because these are things a parent does for a child, he is inadvertently putting you in the role of his mother instead of his lover.
And frankly even a second bathroom would not resolve this issue for me because you’re still going to have smells and a dirty toilet 24/7
Leave an old phone or voice recorder in there to record audio. If you look at the file in audio editing software, it will have a visual representation of the sound, so you will easily be able to skip the the part where he goes in there. Listen, to find out whether he is actually flushing or not.
If he is flushing, you can probably adjust your cistern to flush for longer. It uses more water, but it also works better.
If he is not flushing, return him to his mother and ask for a refund.