I’m hoping for some solidarity or advice… my son is 2 years old and pretty much ever since he was born I have felt my marriage falling apart. I do 90% of the parenting, work 4 days a week and all the household chores but he earns a lot more than me so pays the majority of the bills.
Our sex life is absolutely nonexistent, we have sex maybe 1-2 times a month but honestly I think it’s just out of feeling like we “should” rather than any sexual desire. I blamed myself for a lack of libido from pregnancy then breastfeeding but I’m starting to think it was more complete incompatibility, our sex life was crap before we even had our son so this was never going to improve.
I have a lot of stress with work and family issues at the moment but I feel as though he doesn’t know how to support me, he doesn’t make me feel loved or desired and I’m at breaking point. The only thing keeping me from walking out is that I cannot afford a house by myself for me and our son. The thought of not seeing my son daily breaks me apart and I feel like I should stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of this (although I know that is not fair on any of us).
Can this be repaired or do we need to find a way out?
38 comments
Couples therapy!!! Even if it sounds stupid having a middle man to make sense of both sides and keeping each one from getting defensive and blurting over each other and trying to really understand the root
Does he know how you feel? These are very serious issues you bring up but you don’t mention if you’ve talked to him about any of this?
If you are feeling this way, the chances are that he is too. TALK ABOUT IT. And I mean talk. Not argue. Set the stage by explaining that you want to talk about it because you want to fix it, not to point fingers or attribute blame.
You may need a therapist to help you through.
Babies and toddlers may be adorable, but they come with a FUCK TONNE of responsibility and stress. You’re not the first couple to hit this bump in the road. You both need to be forgiving of each other for struggling.
Can it be fixed yes but both of you have to try. You are probably 100% right that he does not know what to do.
I would have a sit down conversation alone maybe after the baby is alseep and air out what’s going on.
Plan date nights, make a chorus chart, pass off some parent duties to now be assigned to only him. It’s BS that as women we have to break it down like that but it’s what we gotta do. These things help my marriage. Good luck it’s hard and it will not be fixed overnight and you will have to constantly remind him about his duties like a teenager but if you both are trying to make things work then the marriage is worth it.
Communicate this to your husband. I bet he doesn’t even realise that this is how you feel.
On feeling neglected, stressed and everything, you need to tell him where the issues are exactly, what you would like from him, how this has made you feel and what you want from him, **exactly**.
On sex – if its crap tell him, you can communicate what you like, what you dislike, how you want it. He can learn to be really good in bed, its not hard, its a skill. and i bet he would be more than willing to satisfy you.
This is not a shouting match, this is a calm open discussion on the issues you have been facing, he can also say what he wants and needs from the relationship. You both the come to compromises and work together, not separately to address concerns and keep communicating.
You gotta keep trying. This isn’t unusual and it isn’t beyond fixing. You’ve got to say everything, including all the things you’re afraid to say. And you need to say it bluntly and honestly. Don’t give up. It isn’t any easier down the other road.
I do not have children, but my older cousin told me a story that floored me 20 yrs ago. He and his wife were high school sweethearts. They had always been a really solid couple. They waited until they were in their late 30’s…early 40’s to have their first child. Both had been career driven and very successful… Money was not an issue for either of them. They both had the financial means to leave and start over.
He told me they hated each other the first two years after their son was born. It was awful… They both wanted out of the marriage. But they moved past it… They both stuck it out. Forty years later, they are still happily married with two sons. Never in a million years would I have thought they had marriage issues to the point of a divorce. So yes, you can move past these years and be happy again.
Just remember everything in life is temporary… the way you feel right now is temporary. Jobs, homes, family, and friends are temporary. The years watching your Son grow into an Adult will pass by quickly…at least when you reminisce back on these years. Shit I just turned 45… like how the fuck did I get this old so fast! I dont want to grow up. I’m still a “Toys R Us” kid!
Marriage counseling wouldn’t exist if it didn’t work for some. At a minimum you’ll know in your heart you did everything in your power to keep your family together.
This is the first step of talking about how you feel… which is frustrated, exhausted, and a little angry. Don’t let contempt settle into your marriage… It’s really hard to step out of those eggshells. Try not to bring divorce in the heat of the moment… it gets easier to say it over time. It’s a word that you can’t take back and a serious ultimatum that will change your and your childs entire life. I wish you the best… kids are stressful and are life changing, but they are only little for a short time.
My god, it’s almost like bringing kids into bad relationships is a bad idea.
Talk to your husband. If he’s a good guy I’m willing to bet as the primary bill payer he’s feeling just as much pressure to provide for his newly-expanded family. And with that comes stressors on him as well.
He sounds like a first husband. No one should be allowed to marry the first time around they always turn out badly. I am sorry to tell you this but your husband is an a$$hole and always will be no matter how much you tell him how you feel or how much therapy he gets. A good person would know you need help with the baby you both made, he shouldn’t have to be told or therapized into it. You’ll waste more of your 30’s trying to save a marriage that apparently wasn’t that great before you had a baby. Divorce him, get child support and go back to work. You’ll be doing a bit more work but at least you’ll be happy and at peace knowing he didn’t take all your youth. Believe me, it’s better to be broke and happy than your bills paid and in a miserable marriage.
Talk to your man about how you feel. Y’all should be doing your 6mo check in w each other and ask questions like:
1.) 1-10 how happy are you?
2.) is there anything I can do that you feel you are missing?
3.) what would make you more physically attracted to me than you are now?
Like a relationship report card. Corny but it really helps the other person spill the beans on what they need.
I would at least try couple therapy first and if it doesn’t work out, then talk to an attorney to find out what kind of financial support You can expect in the event of a divorce.
This is the story of many wives and this is why women initiate 80% of the divorces. You have a job, you’re paying bills, doing almost all of the parenting AND all of the chores. This keeps repeating itself.
Therapy, having someone unbiased explaining the issues and showing you both ways to communicate can help. My marriage was like that, it was hard it was the hormones and PPD. It was also me changing who I was, that struggle between and mother and a partner. Same on his end, he didn’t have to do all the parental things so they change slower, they are ignorant to all the issues internal and external. At this stage most men seem to have issues on their role as a father until the kids get a bit older.
If you want to actually try and save your marriage and improve things and you two need couples counseling/therapy. You’re definitely a candidate for it. He can’t fix anything if he doesn’t know you have issues with the marriage and him. It takes two people to fix the problem. He can’t even try to improve things when he doesn’t realize exactly how unhappy you are. So, to be fair, you should give him a chance to try and improve your marriage, and hopefully, your sex life, you guys can watch some videos or get The Joy of Sex book or whatever. Maybe you two are sexually incompatible. If things sucked before you got married, why did you marry him? If after 6 months of therapy nothing’s changed and he’s not trying then yeah end the marriage. Of course you need to try too so it’s not just all on him.
There is zero talk of communication with you husband about this. You married this man. He deserves to know that you’re thinking of leaving! Have some discussions about what is wrong and how you feel. See how he reacts. See what ideas he has and how he’s been feeling. You don’t have enough information to make a decision right now.
Communicate. No blaming, you two against the problem. Not “you do/ don’t x,” but, “when this is happening, this is how I feel, how do you feel?” Listen to learn, to find the root problem, and then problem solve together, not to fight.
If you can’t do this by yourselves, get a couple’s therapist to middle man (you still do I feel statements, THEY help you with the rest of communicating, seeing where the other is coming from, helping establish middle ground, help you find working solutions together, they help you be a team against problems and see the root problem instead of just fighting each other).
Also, if you can afford to outsource labor? To get a cleaner or something? Do it.
I suggest looking up the “Fair Play Life”
It may help you and your husband figure out how to divide up tasks that best suit your needs.
I also suggest both individual and couples therapy if you can manage it.
If you had a crappy sex life, crappy romantic partnership, why did you cement your relationship with a child? You need to work at falling back in love with your husband. He needs to make more of an effort. People saying just leave, do not realize how much it cost to raise a child in this economy. You need to let him know, he needs to start making an effort because you are worn down. You need to start with individual counseling.
Wait you work 4 days a week at a job, do all household chores, are in 24/7 childcare, carry the entire mental load for the family and all your husband does is pay bills?
Have you spoke to your husband at all about the imbalance of the workload at home and with childcare? Does he think because he makes more money and pays the bills that’s all he’s obligated to do?
There are a few things you should be doing, first is to talk to your husband. If you’ve spoken to him regarding this before and nothings changed then..
You need to contact the best divorce attorneys in your area. Have a consult to find out what you options are. How the finances are handled. Do you have joint assets? Separate accounts? Do you have to buy everything for your child or does husband pay for that? Who paus for daycare? How much does your husband work? How much time does he spend with his child? Realistically how much custody and visitation would you feel he deserves at this point? Make sure to discuss alimony and child support. If you’re eligible for alimony take it.
If you want to save this marriage you can try marriage counseling, but it shouldn’t be a last resort. It sounds as if you are done but you’re too scared to leave and break up the family. Better to leave than stay Ina marriage like this. You don’t want you child growing up seeing this, thinking this is a healthy relationship. It’s not.
Before you give up, for sure get into your own therapy and couples therapy.
No harm in taking to a lawyer to understand what’s involved if you do divorce. Also, now is the time to get better skills for a better job, in case therapy leads you to divorce.
Set yourself up for success. No matter what that looks like
Domestic labor should be divided by time, not by income.
This arrangement is not fair to you.
You’ve gotten good advice so far, and therapy is always a good idea.
I won’t tell you this is normal, but it is a version seen unfortunately. If it were me, I’d have a conversation about gender roles and expectations of parenting. So many times, I’ve seen or read that the partner who makes the most money doesn’t realize they need to do much else to contribute. This is false.
The first few yesrs are a time when parents will be overworked and under-rested. The way you two communicate with each other in front of your baby will help lay the foundation for your child’s own communication style.
The problems you ignore as a parent become the issues children deal with as adults.
Have you told your husband how unhappy you are?
You didn’t mention any interacts or discussions in your OP.
Couples therapy sounds appropriate for this situation as there does not seem to be abuse going on (from the post). These are issues I think you could potentially figure out. If the situation is abusive, couples therapy is never a recommended option and can do more damage.
This is really a sit down conversation with your husband. Let him know you feel like he isn’t helping around the house. Since you both work the house chores should be split between the two of you. Same with parenting. You both are in this as a team and need to work as a team. How you do that is your own choice but for the sake of the household and your child you both need to be a team that works together. Also having sex 1-2 times a month is not a none existent sex life. I think a lot of married couples with kids are. 1-2;times ever 3 to 4 months. Granted your sex life is not good it definitely should be more I’m just saying it’s not non existent.
You don’t mention talking to your husband about this. It’s time for some serious, honest heart to hearts. He needs to know how you feel.
I feel your pain except mine doesn’t even pay the majority of the bills. TBH it was only after having a child that I realised how inequal this world still is and hiw much harder it is being a woman
Think back about what attracted you to your husband before you got married. Are they still there, but maybe things changed with the birth of your son? You say the sex wasnt great pre-kid. Did you ever discuss it with him? And have you ever opened up a discussion about a more equitable split of chores and parenting duties? It doesnt matter how much more MONEY he makes, its more about the available amount of time you each have and splitting fairly that way.
Based on this assessment, only you can decide if there is enough value in your marriage to fight for, save and talk it out. A marriage counselor might help, since it sounds like you might be stuffing your discontent instead of talking it out. The beauty of this approach is that you will learn valuable communication skills, even if you dont stay married
At the very least I am sure you are resenting him because you are doing all the house work and child rearing. I would rebalance so you are sharing this work and have equal free time and then see how you are feeling. Resentment is like poison to a relationship and I doubt you will make much progress on the other issues without fixing that first.
Have you told him what you’ve told us?
I am constantly astounded at the number of people who equate making more money means the other person in the relationship has to do more of the housekeeping/parenting. That’s not how it works.
Basic qualities in a partner like empathy, solidarity, being nice and fun to be around… therapy can’t squeeze that out of someone if they’re self-centered and can’t self reflect.
Yeah.. get divorced and split the family up. It’s the new modern way to happiness. It’s all about you. life is supposed to be easy with rainbows, unicorns and lollipops and don’t forget caviar dream !!
Your husband sounds like no use to you except for the $.
Did you ever ask what’s in it for him?
Your sex life was crap? What is your role in the crap ?
Grow up and re commit to your marriage and family.
Why did you get married to your husband. You say the sex life was crap before. How was it crappy?
Don’t know if this might be part of a reason but if you were in birth control pills before this , the have sone research and found lots of women who got off the pill they weren’t attracted to their husband anymore
Buy the Fair Play card set and book
When I got divorced, my state had a mandatory parenting class that each party had to take before you could even move to getting a divorce. It was a 6 hour class, which you could do in 3 hours split up or the total 6 hour class. For the first half, they had a marriage/child therapist there. Her opening line was, “If you’re thinking of staying in your marriage for your child or children because you think it would be better, don’t do it because it’s not. It’s more harmful for a child or children to be raised in an unhappy and/or toxic marriage. Two happy households are better than one miserable/toxic household.” Then she went on to talk about if you do feel it’s fixable, and both parties are willing to do the extremely hard work to fix what is wrong. But, said to not waste time or make it harder if neither or only one party wants to work on it.
So, if you TRULY(And I really mean being totally honest with yourself)think you can fix/repair your marriage, and you’re willing to honestly do the hard work, and your husband is willing to do the same, then I would say do it. Work towards that.
If you truly think it’s not fixable, then work towards the divorce.
It’s going to be extremely hard either route, but staying just for your kid, just don’t do it. It’s not a good reason.