My (26f) partner (28m) and I have been together for about a year. I think we are perfect for each other, we share pretty much all of our interests, values, hobbies etc in common. He is my best friend and I love him immensely, but there’s one problem. He’s an atheist, and I am moderately religious and he really hates it. I have been upfront about my religious beliefs since we first met. Originally, he said he didn’t care that we have different beliefs, but now I don’t think that’s true.
The main problem is lack of respect. I don’t preach at my partner or try to get him to take part in my religion because I think spiritual beliefs are very personal. However, he keeps making really rude and hurtful comments about my religion that are usually unprompted. (E.g. “[X] passage is fucking horrible, why can’t you see that?”, “what is there to respect about your religion?” Etc.) I find this humiliating, as he speaks about my faith as if I am too stupid to see that God obviously isn’t real. Once, I tried to point out that atheism is also a belief system, as we can’t prove there isn’t any kind of higher power since we really don’t have scientific evidence one way or another, but he got very upset about this and told me no, atheism is a fact and only I have a belief system.
We had a huge argument about it and I told him that all I want is for him to be respectful of my beliefs and not to say negative, hurtful things about my religion to me or try to debate me, as I have tried to learn about his philosophy and respect his beliefs (reading essays and books about ideas he speaks about so I can understand more etc) and if he keeps trying to push me away from my religion we will end up breaking up. He promised he would try harder not to be rude, but he keeps bringing up my religion to make dismissive, rude comments. He says that it is not really his fault as he has ADHD, so he struggles to moderate what comes out of his mouth sometimes, but when he says something rude and I say “hey that was actually really disrespectful” he doesn’t apologise, he just keeps going.
I don’t think I am stupid just because I believe in God. I have a bachelors degree, a good career and am working on my masters. I chose my religion and it’s brought me huge amounts of comfort, hope and happiness and I don’t think I should have to constantly defend that to my partner. Should I just give up? I have gotten pretty depressed recently because I am going through some personal things and trying to lean on my relationship with God to help shore me up, but feel like I can’t do that without fearing my partner will say something to humiliate or undermine me. Should I break things off, or keep trying to be patient with him? Any sincere advice would be so welcome.
Tldr; my partner is an atheist and says he is fine with me believing in God but he keeps bringing up my religion to be rude and make me feel stupid for not being an atheist. He says it isn’t his fault because he has ADHD. Should I keep trying to be patient or break up with him?
22 comments
You’re not perfect for each other and you’re not compatible. He believes your beliefs are insufferable fantasies.
Find someone who believes the same as you.
This is absolutely a good reason to break up. Plenty of people can have good relationships with different beliefs, but this is someone who is really attached to looking down on people for having beliefs. Some atheists are extremely different from him, others get off on feeling better about themselves by looking down on people with beliefs of any sort. This is based on an ignorance that there’s more progressive and non-literal forms of religious belief, not just fundamentalist forms.
Even as an agnostic, frankly I found people like this to be unpleasant. There’s a lot of valid criticism of evangelicals & the impact of them on society, but it’s very ignorant to lump all religious & spiritual people as being the same as that subset. In general, people who need to constantly tear down other people to feel superior aren’t the best company.
Youre fundamentally incompatible. Break up.
As an atheist myself, I couldn’t seriously date a religious person, but I’m honest about it, unlike your bf.
Christian here. Just date another Christian lmao it would be much easier
You are not compatible. The fact that he thinks you are stupid for this should have been enough to break up with him. Value yourself and your beliefs or they will always be up for debate.
1. You’re NOT perfect for each other. This should be a dealbreaker for you, not a negotiation point.
2. ADHD is not an excuse to be a shitass. Don’t date shitasses.
So… probably he approaches this with too much hostility… but I always thought that you can debate your core religious beliefs and get attacked by inconsistencies and over issues then you are probably not a true believer and just relish in the comfort of SOME aspects of your religion. I am an atheist myself but I went to catholic high school (in Italy high school last for 5 years). I actually did not start as an atheist… as an Italian I was raised catholic (my mother is actually atheist too but she hid it till I came out as atheist as well to avoid problems with the rest of the family)… by the time I started high school (at 14yo) I was more agnostic than atheist… then my history and philosophy teacher (she belonged to a hard core catholic group) decided it was her mission to correct my way and made really sure that I studied my Christian philosophy extremely well… I am basically as prepared as someone from seminary! The dean also assigned me a spiritual guide with which I had weekly meetings to help find my faith back. You know what such deep knowledge and understanding of Catholicism did to my agnosticism? It turned it into hard core atheism! My spiritual guide (a francescan monk) actually gave up on our meetings a certain point because he was starting to have doubts. This backstory is just to explain that it is very difficult for an atheist to respect religious beliefs! As an atheist reason is my tool to fathom reality… to be religious is to willingly give up the use of reason and I can’t respect that!
Atheism isn’t a belief system, it’s a lack of belief. You can’t prove something – doesn’t- exist, so you’re not on equal footing in terms of being able to defend your positions.
That aside, he’s being a jerk. ADHD isn’t an excuse for his behavior. You have deeply incompatible worldviews and that is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship.
You’re probably not going to want to hear this but I would break up with him. This isn’t about religion. This is about how disrespectful he is to you when it comes to religion. If he wasn’t so disrespectful I would say you could work with him.
I’m an atheist with ADHD. I would never speak to anyone regarding their beliefs the way your boyfriend speaks to you. He thinks he can wear you down and change you to fit his ideals; that is not respect. You’ve told him how his behaviour makes you feel and he keeps doing it, because he cares more about “being right” than he cares about your feelings and your right to worship as you please.
He is actively making you resent him, and resentment is a toxic relationship killer. I don’t see a solution to this besides couples counseling, but something tells me he won’t go for that. Might be best to cite irreconcilable differences and move on to someone who won’t shit all over your beliefs.
Atheist here. Neither his atheism nor his ADHD diagnosis gives him a license to be rude and disrespectful, especially to someone he supposedly loves. Its not up to you to teach him how to be a decent human being. Move on.
I’m an atheist who believes that religion is harmful and kind of ridiculous. But that would not give me the right to ridicule a partner over it. That’s rude and unfair. He knew that you were religious before you dated. I have ADHD and that’s just an excuse
You two aren’t compatible at all.
Btw ADHD isn’t an excuse for being a dick to someone you supposedly love and respect.
Break up. This is a fundamental incompatibility. You can’t gloss it over or fix it. Your values do not align.
Why is it your job to be “patient” while he learns how to be a caring person? Why can’t he be patient with you?
DTMFA as Dan savage would say.
You are not compatible.
This is a major incompatibility, compounded by a lack of respect or kindness in addressing it, and you should break up over it.
Every Redditor explaining their relationship: We’re perfect for each other.
Every Redditor reading their story: The fuck you are.
The making fun of and cajoling you about your beliefs is a lack of respect for you. A relationship is doomed if one or both parties don’t respect the other. This isn’t about having similar beliefs to make it work, its about him being a disrespectful ass hole.
Before reading too far… I see a large issue with “doesn’t respect” and “he’s perfect for me”
Reading along… this is disparaging of your core beliefs. I have a feeling that you’re not disparaging his? And it seems his “lack of faith” is a faith. Hope that makes sense. I see you wrote that you said that as well. Atheism is a valid way to process the world, but it requires belief and faith in its validity.
Any fact requires belief and trust. (Edit to add: the fact that ice freezes at 32°F? should I test it every single time that it’s fact or just rely that my freezer makes ice? Bad a boom, faith in ice.)
The only reason money or our job security or relationships have value is because we (whatever we looks like) agree that it does.
It is your call how much faith you ultimately have that his unsolicited disparagement of your world paradigm detracts from his perfection.
There’s literally a reason the Bible says “do not be unequally yoked”, and this is the exact reason. You should be able to live your life without constantly having to defend it to the person who is supposed to love you 😑
Using ADHD as an excuse for saying mean things is like punching someone and saying “THIS ISN’T ME DOING THIS. I’M BEING CONTROLLED BY SOMEONE/SOMETHING ELSE.”
Not only are you not compatible, but he’s insufferable.