I have social anxiety, autism, and adhd for the record. I cannot for the life of me stop overthinking every social situation and the best advice people give is to just not care what other people think. But how do you just stop caring? Or is this just a characteristic you develop naturally in childhood? Because I’m in my 30’s and still haven’t overcome my social anxiety. Is it too late for me? Or maybe someone with autism that finally beat anxiety in their 30’s can chime in and give sone pointers?
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Everybody cares. Those who say they don’t are just trying to seem cool.
But they’re are those who care less. If you search my post history, I wrote a post a year ago showing that people aren’t thinking or obsessing over you. It’s just in your head.
Once you realize people aren’t thinking or obsessing about you, I think you’ll care less.
I’m in my early 30s and have a similar background. I can’t say that I have completely beaten social anxiety, but that is maybe also not a realistic goal. I can however say that it is a *lot* more manageable compared to 3-4 years back. Today I am at a point where I still feel anxiety in several – but not all – social situations, but that it is not overwhelming anxiety unless a large group, or many strangers, or a high demanding situation.
The steps that have helped me may not be very applicable to your situation though. For me, five things did the majority of the heavy lifting:
1. Going nc with emotionally neglectful parent and their emotionally abusive partner
2. Finding a loving and supportive network (partner and partner’s family, as well as two good friends)
3. Learning a lot of the psychological aspects of my situation. Social anxiety in general, but more specifically my childhood and family dynamics etc.
4. Showing myself more respect, even when it doesn’t come naturally. Showing up for myself with going to the gym, eating healthy, respecting my sleep etc
5. Putting myself out there. Basically exposure therapy. It was extremely difficult in the beginning, almost puking with anxiety in some situations. But refusing to let the anxiety decide if I do the thing or not. For me it has been really helpful to go to small meetups for different hobbies (such as outdoor activities, some racket sport, board games…)
All of us are interconnected and the things we say or do affect those around us. We should care what others think, because the idea that we are isolated and separate from others is an illusion.
We judge and criticize others harshly because we judge ourselves harshly. Similarly, people say mean and hurtful things to others because they say the same hurtful things to themselves (ie you’re stupid, you’re fat, ugly, an asshole etc)
The opposite also holds, if we can be more compassionate, forgiving, and less judgemental towards ourselves, we become more compassionate and understanding towards others too. We can realize that we are all worthy of love and acceptance, that there’s nothing inherently “wrong” with us, and that we deserve to be around people who respect us and treat us well. As we’re warmer to ourselves, we’re warmer to others and as we’re warmer to others, people are warmer to us. We shouldn’t stop caring. We should just be kinder to ourselves
How do you ‘stop caring’? It starts with confidence. But here’s the kicker: to really be confident, you first need to care about what others think. Why? Because to truly master confidence, you have to learn from the social cues around you.
Now, social situations can be a minefield for overthinking. Unlike other skills where you’ve got clear indicators (like winning a game to show you’re good at a sport), social skills are murkier. You’re left piecing together vague feedback from others, trying to gauge how you did.
And here’s another twist: there are no second takes in real-life conversations. Each chat, each meeting, it’s all a one-shot deal. You’re left guessing, hoping you nailed it.
But here’s the gold nugget: if you want to get better and truly ‘stop caring’, practice is your best friend. The more you’re out there, the more confident you’ll get. And not just from the great conversations but from the awkward ones too. Those so-called ‘failures’? They’re just stepping stones. Each one gets you closer to being a social pro and reminds you that life rolls on, no matter the occasional hiccup.
I pay attention to how I am treated and make sure 8 never forget but always stay open enough to care about others feelings and know when to close my heart to the right set if people. .
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you get jaded af
So I only care what people think about me when they are people I respect and admire. And we are our own worst critics. But really what I’ve figured out in my time on this earth, and I wish I had figured it out earlier, is that do what makes you happy. As long as you are living a fulfilled life, you won’t care whether or not other people approve.
And once you start living your life, doing what you want and following your passions, people will find you more interesting because you will exude a sense of self worth that you don’t have now.
Not everyone is going to like you or approve of you, and that’s okay. The people who matter will love you.
Confidence! You need to fully believe in yourself.
Being in a powerful enough position to not have to care to some extent?
Because I realized people say what happened to them to you. It’s never about you, you are never the point. No matter how much you care, you can’t improve their experience about what happened to them, be it similar to you/yours, they have to let it go or they don’t.
I get that it’s easier said than done (which is why you won’t get it even when it’s explained to you).
But basically, at some point, sooner or later, you realize that life becomes increasingly more fun, exciting, and opportunistic if you stop caring what others think.
It’s not something that makes sense when you read it as I’ve written it. But one day, you will experience this more than likely. You will realize your fear in 90% of things is an illusion and have an *”Oh… That wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be”* sensation.
When you have enough of these in life you eventually realize that your life is infinitely better when you do the things you had previously always talked yourself out of doing.
Perhaps not everyone realizes this in life (and that’s unfortunate). But that is how the process will most likely go for you if you finally learn to stop giving a fuck.
You’re capable of remarkable feats when you don’t give a fuck. But it’s the kind of thing you have to experience to decide to make it a lifestyle. But once you have the realization and everything ‘clicks’ and you realzie life isn’t as bad or as scary as you thought it was going to be…
It gets so, so much easier.
It’s my trauma response.
Go through some hard shit with your health or finances. You won’t care anymore.
I think everyone cares but it’s the degree of caring that’s an issue. I would never care to the point it robbed me of my happiness. I kind of enjoy staying in my own head. I grew up an only child and just did everything by myself. I don’t really notice other people that much. I worry about the homeless like crazy but in normal settings, I just don’t pay attention. I’ve always got a dialogue going in my head. That’s not always the best either!
Find things you enjoy & really immerse yourself in them. You deserve some happiness everyday I think. It may just be pretty weather or a good song but focus on things you enjoy.
Drugs. Do hardcore drugs.
Oh man, you are me, and I have something for you. Hope it helps.
I had extreme, pathological shyness as a kid (any attention from anyone whatsoever, even close family friends, was unbearable) and I’ve had a similar handful of vague diagnoses that shift over time (bipolar, ADHD, autism, etc). I’m 52 now and I can tell you that my lifelong progress has been a steady, slow, almost perfectly straight line from 0% to, let’s say, 90% competence (I feel comfortable and secure in 90% of my interactions with 90% of people).
And I believe this is a common pattern. I have good shydar (can recognize my fellow ex-shy people) and they report a similar progression. Things slowly get better, year after year, and the process continues for me to this day. So there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Now, can you speed up the process? I’m not sure. But two things that may have punctuated my evolution were group activities that pushed me WAY out of my comfort zone (like acting classes or improv), and having a kid. I vividly remember standing up in front of a bunch of people to dance with my 3-year-old at a concert in a park. It was an incredible shock and delight to notice what I was doing and discover I could revel in the public goofiness and not give a shit. The focus on someone else gave me permission, somehow. So… hold on and be optimisitic! Things will probably get better.
The ones who genuinely don’t care are older mature adults, usually in their 40s to 50s. There are people who pretend to care, and those who actually don’t care. At some point, people stop caring because it’s exhausting. There comes a point in time where you say f* it.
I stopped putting people on a pedestal.
While it’s good to see value in everyone, their opinion should not have the power to make or break your confidence.
We’re all human beings with feelings, even the ones who are intimidating. Everyone has had embarrassing moments, awkward interactions, been rejected, etc. Why should it matter if you do too?
Remind yourself constantly that everyone else is insecure, too. Especially the mean ones.
Look into Stoicism, it’s not about not caring what people think, it’s about accepting that people will think what they want despite your best efforts.
I only care about how I see myself. I’m my worst enemy but i’m also my best friend.
What I do know is that people have opinions, and there is nothing I can do about their opinions. I know myself and who I am, so it’s up to me to decide how I feel about myself. How other feels about me is none of my business 🤷🏻♀️
It’s not about not caring it’s about being ok with you I like my life for me not other people so I don’t care what they think. I go and do exactly what I want to do for myself. But I had been through a lot with people trying to bring me down and jealousy and small town so I had to learn to do me and if your ok with you and happy with what your doing and know who you are. who cares what they think.
By Accepting who you are
I assume everyone always thinks mostly if themselves . So I may as well do as I please, since they’ll not going to notice no matter what. Like a “no one is paying attention to me so I can do whatever I want and no one will care”.
I also have the mindset that if no one says anything, tacit permission. I don’t change my behavior unless I’m given a clear sign that I’m bothering someone. Maybe you can try assuming that if no one says anything, it means they approve of you? This one may work better for you
personally i already don’t respect them and more than likely i don’t like and you’re going to have an opinion about me/my actions and you don’t even know me OR what you’re talking about….your opinion means nothing…i just don’t care
At one of my last jobs, I was waiting on a ride home, and I over heard a coworker, who I myself, thought was lazy and rude, talking about me to our manager who asked how things went that day. For some reason, nothing she said bothered me, even though it wasn’t true. The manager was a chill guy, I knew I wouldn’t be an any trouble, and I knew my other coworkers knew the effort I made, if it came to anything.
It struck me as strange, how much it didn’t bother me, I was aware that it should probably piss me off, but I thought to myself, you know what, I don’t like this girl either. And, I would have things to say about her too, if the roles we’re reversed. I know what she’s saying isn’t true, and I honestly don’t care what she says. I didn’t want, need, or have to defend myself against this person who is way worse at the job than me. I can just continue to show up and prove myself.
Just being secure with yourself and being self aware goes a long way. Try to combat the negative overthinking with reality, with what really, actually might be the result of these interactions. Sometimes over thinking can help you work it out for yourself, if you stay positive. Most of the time, the most likely result is gonna be that absolutely nothing will happen. And, that what you’re upset about, is probably no big deal at all. It’s just the anxiety talking, and to cope you have to realize it isn’t real. Everything is actually okay.
Diagnosed social anxiety never goes away. But, things like medication, and learning coping mechanisms make it much easier to manage.
We only get a very small piece of time on this planet.. I don’t intend to spend it worrying about what others think of me..
Takes some practice, but it helps out things in perspective for me.
I think of the worst thing about them. Like why am I going to worry about what a person who can’t smile thinks about me? I have autism, ADHD, and an inflated sense of self.
Everyone has bad things, just find those and inflate your sense of self worth. But it doesn’t mean you become unkind. I try to be as kind as I can be.
Some people are always going to judge. Whether truthfully or not. Some people judge because of a projection of their own insecurities, others do it to mess with you and some are just honest about how they feel. You could be at the best point in your life personality and looks wise and there would still be that one person commenting on something to try and ruin your day.
Personally, the more I started improving myself physically and mentally, the more compliments and criticisms or insults I had gotten simultaneosly. A lot of times when someone had judged me negatively to my face it was always an attempt at bringing me down. When I realized this I started to make distinctions between geniune criticisms and insults. This helped me against hateful comments. Another realisation I made is that opinions can vary, and in those cases why listen to the opinion of others?
When I started working on my appearance I started growing my hair out, picking out clothes I liked and etc. At first it was a bit scary, but after a while I got so sure about what was me and what I liked about myself, that the opinions of others started to not sway me anymore. The only way I could describe jt is like being stubborn about your own self worth (not to the extent of narcissism).
People are so incredibly self absorbed no one really cares about you. Even your own family will cry tears for their own loss when you die. Just live to make yourself happy.
It took me a long time to learn this. You have to trick your brain. The next time someone does something embarrassing, just remember how you didn’t actually care that much & you didn’t overthink what they did or stress about it, & then you forgot about it. people do the exact same thing with anything embarrassing you’ve done. they don’t care, i promise.
another trick: In public sometimes i’ll pretend i’m a movie character or something because nobody actually knows who i am or what my story is..so how can they judge me? then eventually when you stop caring what they think you can just be yourself & wont need the character trick if that makes sense lol.
another joke i say if i do something embarrassing: life is a simulation. who cares if u do something weird nothing is real lol. of course it is but just tell yourself that to feel better LOL
Therapy. Lots of it. It’s not an easy thing to work through, but it does need to be worked through constantly. Look into DBT
Watch daminluck925 on YouTube also known as fulcrum. He doesn’t give a fuck and will interact with any random person he meets. They will either have a moment of happiness or forget about it an hour later. Do some stupid stuff in public a few times and the embarrassment or anxiety always fades after 2 minutes and you go in with your life.
While I’d like to advise how I got over it, it’s a good reflection to figure out *why you care* about what others think in the first place.
Is it people pleasing? Childhood reasons? Attention, validation, or need for contructive criticism? Because while it is easy to not give a fuck, there are different ways of *how* to not give a fuck. Because then, you might become a careless a-hole or something of that nature.
For example, I crave validation and attention, I care about constructive criticism. My childhood consisted of a lot of unreasonable expectations that held no value despite breaking my back for it. So how do I not give a fuck effectively? I give myself my own validation – I praise other and praise myself. I ask for what people think, and instead of assuming they think otherwise, I take what they say to heart (even though they might say “good job” when I know it wasn’t my best, I just accept it for what it is). Also the unreasonable expectations? I tell myself that it’s bogus – I accept myself for who I am and take solace in what I have accomplished, instead of worrying about what has not been achieved.
It takes practice, I did this for a whole year and it gradually gets better with time. It doesn’t happen overnight.