Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a materialistic person, but we woke up this morning, having been together for 8 years, and he’s been all over me, but not in the way I would like. He kept making remarks like “I always wanted to be intimate with an older woman”, obviously I know he’s messing around, but he’s not made me feel special. Instead he’s tried groping me with our 4yr old son present, and didn’t bother to get me a card or present.
Our son woke up and immediately remembered it was my birthday and sang to me. He said to his dad in a “whispering” voice “let’s go down and decorate for mummy and get her presents and make it a surprise”. My heart felt broken. He cares so much for a little person and was upset when daddy said there were no decorations.
I asked if my partner got me a card, as that means more to me than a present, and he said “maybe, just trying to wake up before I write in it”. It’s now 12:35pm.
He’s been out for the past 2 hours, presumably scrambling to buy me something. He said he had tried to get something earlier in the week but because our son has been unwell and he had no WiFi, he couldn’t.
I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I feel the least special I ever have on my birthday. Should I feel this way or am I expecting too much 8 years down the line?
TLDR; I received nothing from my partner for my birthday and he’s made zero effort
27 comments
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This made me feel sad for you and the child. Wish you Have a Happy Birthday!
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Same response to his……
He knows this would disappoint you, but he doesn’t care. Even his excuse is lame. He had no opportunity all week? Even getting a few things while making a run to the drug store or grocery store is better than nothing. He didn’t leave the house all week? Couldn’t have picked something up quickly coming home from work?
My ex was like this. He ruined pretty much every holiday, birthday, and anniversary. The reality is that anything that required a tiny bit of effort or that inconvenienced him even slightly was simply not worth his effort. For example, he had kids, and his son (then 7) shared my birthday. I coordinated this combined birthday dinner for all of us, bought his son’s birthday gifts, and wrapped then. Literally all my ex had to do as a part of this was get me a gift. I was so upset when we went to unwrap gifts, and after his son opened his, it was like “oh, sorry, I don’t have anything for you yet.” I put on a happy face then told him how disappointed I was after the kids went to bed. He acted like I was unreasonable or overreacting for expecting a birthday gift. My life is better without his nonsense.
When people need to ask strangers if they’re allowed to feel upset or disappointed, it’s clear there’s a deep-seated need to please others at play.
You’re not being ungrateful. Stop beating yourself up for having basic wants and needs. If anything, it sounds like you’re not standing up for yourself enough!!
You have to command the respect you deserve. If you shove your feelings under the rug and pretend everything is “fine” when it’s not, the status quo will remain.
Not to mention, the resentment will fester and start to erode your mental health and marriage.
Maybe it’s time you express that you’re upset, let him know you’re let down — people sometimes need to feel stakes to get motivated to take action.
It’s something simple but shows you how he feels. Well, we know how he feels.
yeah because without wifi it’s impossible to purchase a gift. it’s not as if there are ‘stores’ where he could go to buy something for you. good grief this dude is a loser & you deserve better.
happy birthday btw. and don’t for a minute feel like being together for 8 years means he can treat you like you don’t matter. you do.
“I always wanted to be intimate with an older woman”.
He is older than you. And this is called negging, I believe. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this.
My husband did this ONCE. He forgot so I left the house and took myself out to dinner with friends. Didn’t tell him where I went, but left him a note saying I wasn’t cooking on my birthday make your own. When I return, I told him I wasn’t interested in hearing why, just wanted to enjoy the rest of the evening alone. The lack of engagement and interest really hit him because it never happened again.
You really don’t need his forgetfulness in this day. You also have a right to totally ignore him on your BDAY. Sorry, this happened, but Happy Birthday!
Jeez. I’ve been with my husband 15 years, and he panics every year what to get me and is always really elaborate
I have discovered if I want to have a nice birthday, I need to tell my husband literally exactly what I want. Last year I had to send him a link to the exact Apple Watch I wanted, and I had to book the hotel I wanted to stay at (I booked my own birthday package, booked dinner, planned the activities). It’s just literally not something he’s capable of doing. He’ll pay for the things, and show up and do whatever I want with me, but if I just did nothing, literally we would have a completely typical day on my birthday.
>I don’t want to seem ungrateful
you can’t be ungrateful when someone’s done **nothing**, not even **attempted** something you feel you should feel grateful for.
Wait what is the wifi comment???
First of all, happy birthday, OP. I hope the year ahead of you brings positive change, so your next one is a much happier occasion.
Secondly, I think, if you’re feeling petty, that this calls for a bigger present for your kid and an empty card for your husband come Christmas. If he’s going to treat you like an afterthought, and only react when he disappoints your kid, then I’d spend his part of the Christmas gift budget on your son. See how he likes it, when his partner makes no effort to show him he’s loved.
Realistically, though, I’m really sorry. You should sit him down and tell him how this made you feel, regardless of what he did last-minute, when he realized he’d fucked up. If you married a decent man, he’ll listen, feel appropriately remorseful for hurting you with his thoughtlessness, and do better in the future.
Edit: This conversation should definitely happen another day, though. Celebrate yourself with your kid, even if your husband’s being an ass!
People still get upset about birthdays in their 30s?
You let him
Get away with this, then this is how it will always be.
Don’t settle for less.
Sounds like he thought you’d be grateful for his birthday present for you: his dick. And nothing else. Sex is a nice bonus on your birthday, but if that’s it, that’s pretty trash.
My husband did something similar. Once. He’s a caring, thoughtful person, who knows how important it is for me to feel celebrated and special on my birthday. This is why I was SO very hurt by it. He didn’t even encourage the kids to make me a card or anything. I was very honest with him and he owned up to it and apologized. In reality it took many weeks for me to get over it. I was angry and hurt about it even after the apology.
He internalized it, worked hard to fix it, and it never happened again.
If it’s very out of character for your husband to do something like this, have a serious conversation with him about how he made you feel. If this is just the last in a string of behavioral incidents that feel wrong, that’s a different story.
Happy birthday. And I’m so sorry this happened.
my ex was similarly bad with birthdays and narcissistic overall. my current partner is amazing at them, and it’s evident that she takes sincere pleasure in getting the perfect something for me and for her friends. I find myself feeling the same way on her birthday / during holidays! I love finding that perfect thing for her, whether it’s online or from a store. my point in saying all this is that you can find someone who puts in more care than your partner. I get this isn’t the PC thing to say given that you’ve been together a long time and have a child together, but to be honest… people show you who they are and waiting for people to change doesn’t usually work. not with things like this. even though I love my girlfriend, we have issues that I can tell will not change if I stay in the relationship. and after staying with my ex for such a long time and knowing that I only continued to suffer more, I won’t play the waiting game in another relationship. I truly wish you the best. things can get a lot better if you choose it.
The only time I have ever received any holiday gifts were because my kids nagged my husband. And those gifts were K cups for our keurig, and water bottles and mugs…all practical, but come on!! I feel your pain! I’m going on 20 years and think it might be time to get out!
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that this is not the *only* way that he doesn’t make an effort. Every time I read stories like this I look back on my own shitty marriage and realize how low-effort some people can be, like they’re already doing you a favor by staying. If he wanted to make it special, he would. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that your spouse might like some recognition on their birthday.
Poor form. Very poor form. The excuse doesn’t matter. Nobody likes having to ask to be made to feel special on their special day. I’m sorry this happened. Your boy sounds incredibly sweet.
Some men cannot be cured lol. At least you’ve a son who adores you. And happy birthday!
Sounds like you two have different love languages. Gifts not being one of his.
I’d just go out and buy my own cake and I’d go buy my self some new make up and a new top. Create your own happiness. You know you can’t rely on him for it so do it your self. If you rely on your self you’ll never let your self down.
Is this usual for him? Has he done better in past years?