I (21F) and my boyfriend (24M) have been dating for over 2.5 years now and we get into arguments because he thinks that I need to listen to him for the relationship to work but I disagree. For example if I want to hang out with some friends he decided that he gets to choose whether or not I get to go. Or often times I have to do something for him for it to be worth his time to let me go out. If I tell him I’m my own person and he doesn’t get to choose the response is always the same “you need to listen to what I say”. This applies to literally EVERYTHING in our relationship whether it has to do with me going somewhere or not. Initially he proposed the idea that whatever he says goes because he said that if he gets what he wants he’s happy which in turn makes me happy. I don’t think that’s how that works at all but I only agreed in the first place just to end the argument we were having at the time. I thought he would drop it or not go with it but he has stuck to it very rigidly. I personally hate it and I feel so controlled when he acts like this. He holds it over my head saying that I agreed to this and I that I need to listen. Is this a really huge red flag, like how big are we talking?

TLDR: My boyfriend thinks that the only way our relationship will work is if I “obey” everything he says.

EDIT: Okay so a lot of people are asking why I’m staying with him (which I get). This is going to sound bad but one of the main reasons is his family, I adore his family and they are like a second family to me. I’m really close with his younger sister (who is a year younger than me). I’m worried that ending the relationship wouldn’t allow her and I to be friends anymore. We also are in the same friend group and idk how that dynamic would work and we also work together. Second I posted this because I wasn’t sure if I was crazy or not as he makes me feel crazy for saying what he does isn’t normal. Clearly I wasn’t but I needed people to reaffirm my thoughts. He also owes me a large sum of money that I would really like back which I won’t get back if I leave. Thank you for the all the advice and I will be working on a plan. ❤️

29 comments

  1. You said this applies to everything. This isn’t him just asking you to not go to a club and get black out drunk because he’s worried something bad will happen. There’s a difference. Red flags are flying and bright af

  2. Huge red flag. He’s not your boss, your dad, your parole officer, your minister, your doctor or the police. There is no “let” in a healthy relationship. You say “I’m going out” and he says “OK, have fun!!” — not “I want you to bargain with me in order for me to let you go out” — WTF, OP. Why you staying with this man and wasting the only youth you will ever have on him? (PS: He’s abusive.)

  4. Oh god. That’s a HUGE red flag. He’s basically saying that if you don’t do everything he wants you to, you’re in the wrong.

    This guy is severely emotionally abusive. He basically harasses and argues with you until you agree to something, and then holds it over your head? He sounds a *lot* like my dad. I honestly got a little bit triggered reading that, and I know first hand that if he does that to you, he’ll do this to any kids you have in the future and it’s going to mess them up severely.

  6. you are so close to getting smacked around. sass him one more time and pow, right in the kisser.

  8. Run. Run as fast as you can away from him. That’s controlling behaviour and a major red flag. He’ll only get worse and this shows he doesn’t love you in a healthy way.

  9. How have you spent two and a half years with this gaslighting psycho? He’s probably going to start smacking you around once you’re good and trapped. Please leave and get extensive therapy before dating again. You’re so far off in the weeds that you can’t even see how clearly toxic and unhinged this dynamic is.

    Run.

  10. Are you absolutely desperate (via your handle) for someone to date? Because just about any other male out there would be a trade up from this one. If you have a decent relationship with your father or an uncle, tell them immediately what he’s doing. Chances of someone this controlling becoming violently possessive if you break up is high. If one of them (older male in his prime) calls and chews him out and intimidates him, that chance is a lot lower. But break up and run far and fast and don’t look back.

  11. This guy has probably been listening to too much red pill content. Dump his controlling ass and find someone who supports you being your own person

  12. OMG girl how have you stayed with this joke for so long. My husband would never dream of saying something like this to me and we have been married for 14 years and he makes all the money at the moment. So much issues with this girl run!!!!

  14. I was expecting regular old listening, which is actually a good idea in a relationship.

    He doesn’t want listening, he was blind obedience. This is past red flags and into “Something is clearly wrong with this man. Leave before he gets more of it on you.”

  16. This is a huge red flag. He’s controlling and sounds like he’s abusive. I think you should leave him. Someone who loves you would not treat you like this.

  17. Why are you even mildly entertaining this rubbish?

    Are you his child? No!

    Even if it was a parent and child…you are God damn 21 and a full grown adult who needs to listen to herself.

    Tell him he is right…the relationship will only work if he feels he is in charge of you like a parent. There fore, it won’t work…and goodbye!

  19. You will ruin your life if you stay with this guy. You’re 21 – enjoy life, go to school or learn a trade, travel, have fun. Be good to yourself.

  21. This is the largest red flag. This is how abuse starts. Please don’t put up with such BS. This isn’t love, respect, or healthy. You deserve better!

  23. Oh, girl, no. Coming from a 40-year-old woman: this is absolutely insane behavior. You are your own autonomous individual, he doesn’t get to decide these kinds of things for you. What, is he trying to be your your dad? He needs tto give you “permission” if you want to hang out with your friends or not? That is super gross. He doesn’t want a partnership, he wants a dictatorship.

  24. You’re only a few arguments away from physical abuse. He’s a controlling asshole. Get out while you still can. UPDATEME

  25. HUGE HUGE HUGE red flag, cannot say this enough. Run now while you still can. This would be a deal breaker even if it never escalated to anything worse, however as others are pointing out, it’s almost guaranteed to escalate into much darker stuff.

    Also: try a few different therapists if you can afford it, because a good therapist will help you spot future red flags faster. Almost no one is lucky enough to grow up in a toxicity-free environment, and the more toxicity there was, the slower it makes us to spot these red flags– and therapy helps with that.

  26. Hey, the 1950s called, they want your boyfriend back. Seriously though, I know you are just 21 but this is some serious abuse and you should know by now this is not normal. Is this some sort of cultural thing? Is he an acolyte of those who spew the theory that women need to follow the Bible and submit to their husband’s? Time to put on your track shoes and start running.

  27. Honestly, this goes beyond a simple red flag. Generally that term denotes things that are potential problems, concerning actions that may reflect in problems later or speak to deeper toxic tendencies.

    This guy is just straight up saying it.

    Like you ‘feel so controlled’ because he is literally, with no irony or euphemism, saying that you need to obey him. He is saying that to be in this relationship is to be controlled.

    You don’t want a relationship like that. So end it. He has made clear there will be no alternative.

  28. a 21 year old man sought you out when you were 18, so he could tell you to “listen” (obey)

    this was never going to work out in your favor

  29. Please be on birth control, this man would baby trap you to force you to stay to keep abusing you, this is abuse

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