My cousin is turning 30, which is a big birthday and we’re all excited to celebrate. She is single, without children and with all of our other cousins celebrating marriages and babies it’s nice that we get to celebrate her for a change. That said…she has been talking about throwing formal dinner party at her favorite restaurant for her 30th, and the way she has been talking about it sounds like she is paying for it. she was also super restrictive on the guest list (my boyfriend of over a year wasn’t invited) which also makes me think she is paying for it. But when the invite came all it said was “Please join me for a dinner in celebration…”. really vague..
In the past for her birthdays she has always invited people to more casual settings, a bar or less formal dinner and everyone ends up getting their own tab…but this restaurant is really nice could easily cost $100-$150 per person. I know it’s not right to ask her and I’m probably just going to have to eat the cash which isn’t an issue for me but my other cousin who is pregnant and trying to save to buy a house is worried the dinner will be $300+ for her and her husband which they don’t have to spend right now but they don’t want to look like they aren’t being supportive. they don’t know what to do. I would offer to cover them myself if we have to pay but I already spent over $1000 on her baby shower last month. Not really sure what to tell them? Is it rude to not go because they can’t afford it if it isn’t paid for? Is there a way we can know it will be covered without asking?
tl;dr How can I ask my cousin if she is paying for her birthday dinner? Or is there another way to know it’s covered without asking?
30 comments
Just ask her?
“Hey cousin, I’m super excited to celebrate your bday with you at such an awesome venue but I’m on a budget so before I RSVP, I wanted to understand if you’re hosting this or if each of us are paying for our own meals.”
If she gets offended well….whatever. 🤷♀️
I not sure why you’re so concerned about asking. It’s certainly not a social faux pas.
Simply say, “I’m really excited about celebrating this big birthday with you. Quick question: how are we handling the restaurant bill – will folks need to bring cash or will you be covering it?”
Frankly, if she gets offended, it’s a bit tacky to throw yourself a birthday party and expect other people to foot the bill, especially when you’ve restricted the guest list. If people are paying for themselves, then not letting you bring a date who would also be paying for himself is petty and entitled.
Whether your other cousin and her husband can afford to attend is not your problem and you shouldn’t decide not to attend this dinner because of it. If it turns out that everyone has to pay for their own meal and you can afford it, you should go. Your other cousin will just have to explain to the birthday girl that she and her husband can’t make it. It’s not your responsibility to troubleshoot that issue for them.
I would assume that everyone is paying for their own meal, and feel free to decline if the cost is too much, but I would also say something like, “I’m sorry I can’t make it, but it’s just not something I can afford right now,” to give her the chance to say that actually she was planning to treat, if that was her intention.
Alternate advice: If you would go either way, then ask her something like, “Hey, I’m looking forward to the dinner. I just wanted to check, are we doing what we usually do where everyone pays for their own meal? That’s what I assumed.” And then when she confirms or corrects, pass that on to your friends who may not be able to come if they’re paying for themselves.
I would just ask and formulate it in a way like ‘hey just to make sure, we would all be paying for our own dinner right?’. If she says yes, she essentially just had to confirm what you asked and if she says no you can tell her thank you and she is in a good light.
I would assume everyone is chipping in, except the birthday person, and we’re all splitting the bill equally, and picking up the birthday person’s tab in the bargain
Here’s a quick way to confirm. Call the venue and ask. “Hey, I’m invited to a party there, can you tell me if Fiona has arranged to pay, or will we all be chipping in?” The venue should know, but if they don’t, assume the above.
Your pregnant cousin can opt mostly out, “Fiona, we’d love to celebrate you but money is tight. We’ll show up later for dessert and coffee.”
I arranged a birthday similar to this one year. I just suggested we meet for dinner. My expectation was that we’d all split the bill, but my friends wouldn’t let me pay!
Have fun!
You don’t have to worry about your other cousin at all? It’s not rude to not attend if you can’t afford an event — at all. It’s actually pretty tacky of your birthday cousin to have a nice birthday dinner without covering her guests, by the way. Just ask your birthday, cousin, though? It was a vague invite & it’s fine to say hey just checking are you hosting this or should I bring cash to pay for myself and go from there.
You mentioned she’s single without kids. I’d imagine she’s been forking out money for gifts/events for married/with children relatives for years with nothing in return. So one time it’s about her, she shouldn’t be footing the bill for everyone. It’s ok to decline the invite if money is a bit tight rn
Why on earth would she buy you all dinner for her birthday? It sounds like an expensive dinner, if you can’t afford it, just don’t go. But it’s pretty lame that you spend $1000 on your other cousin’s baby shower but won’t spend $100 for this one’s birthday. Just because she isn’t married and doesn’t have babies doesn’t mean she can’t be celebrated too. I can’t imagine how you can spend $1000 for someone else’s baby shower but expect this cousin to pay for everyone for a birthday dinner.
So my friend did this last year for his 40th. He covered dinner and it was a very exclusive invite list. All he asked was that we cover our own cocktails, but it ended up he covered the first two rounds. I’m sure your cousin is aware of other family situations/money needs but you could just very much ask her if you need to be prepared with cash or card for the event and she’ll probably respond accordingly.
Decline due to budget restrictions. Offer to take her for lunch sometime.
Just ask. Good grief. Why is it a big deal. She gets offended that’s her issue. Times are hard, people need to know. She should have made it clear. If you just can’t ask 🙄, then just plan to pay for yours. Unless they pull the “split the bill amongst everyone”crap. This will include food snd drinks. It can get expensive.
Sounds like your other cousin actually is the one that wants to know. She can ask for herself. No need for you to insert yourself.
I would assume the bill would be split by however many are there, and likely not the birthday girl.
Just point blank ask her I’m sure there’s a lot of people curious about that answer. Do you want to just be polite and not say anything and then get a surprise that night or do you want to just attack the elephant in the room and find out now.
Yeah I actually think it’s totally okay to ask. I would have to budget for that kind of dinner – a lot of people would!
Agree with other posters to just ask her. You can’t assume she is paying just because of a limited guest list.
And if she says everyone pays for their own meal I’d go so far as before accepting the invite to confirm the restaurant will actually generate separate checks. Most over X guests usually note there is a mandatory tip amount which to me is fine but I also want my own check.
I’d also like to know if she expects whatever her meal costs to be covered by all her guests.
I am a fossil and have no problem saying NO to splitting a total dinner amount for people unless we were all close to the same amount. I don’t drink, am fine with others who do but I’m not going to subsidize it. Nor am I good with equal split if I ordered $20 meal and others are twice or more that amount.
If she won’t give a clear yes or no answer then I’d suggest declining the invite.
Did she send paper or digital/social media invites? If it’s a digital invite others will appreciate your question.
Either way I’d post in the group invite or text individually and ask about it.
Thanks for thinking of us!! Are you hosting the party or is it Dutch treat?
I love the previous suggestion about contacting the restaurant to ask directly.
I bet she expects everyone to pay their own bill and split hers between everyone because “it’s her birthday”
I don’t get why you would think you’re responsible for your other cousin in the first place
? She’s a grown adult and if she can’t afford to go, then she can’t afford to go. Stop paying for people that should be able to take care of themselves, her and her husband are not your responsibility.
If anything, your other cousin is the one who needs to ask her if they are expected to pay for their own dinner. She is the one that’s worried about it, not you. And I can’t believe you spent $1000 on her! Has she ever spend that much on you or went out of her way to do anything for you? Stop being a people pleaser. She is a grown adult, and she can talk to your cousin about the bill herself.
If anything, the fact that she’s complaining to you about it sounds like she’s manipulating you to guilt trip you into paying for her dinner if she’s expected to pay.
Definitely ask. You don’t want to assume she’s paying for everyone or everyone pays for themselves. You don’t want to get there, eat, and find out that everyone is expected to split the bill and treat your cousin.
I would assume that you are not only paying your own way but hers as well.
She didn’t say she was hosting a dinner in her invitation.
If my boyfriend of over a year wasn’t invited, I wouldn’t go.
How much has your cousin spent on your engagement, weddings, and baby showers?
You just say something like oh my gosh I would love to be there but that restaurant is so expensive I can’t afford it! If she’s paying she will say that she’s paying and if she’s not then she will get shitty with you but either way you’ll know lol
Too much stress is caused by people not knowing what to expect. You will enjoy your evening much more (if you decide to do it) if you know if you’re paying or not. And honestly, you don’t have to go.
I never heard of being invited to an event but then handed a check. But maybe that varies in different areas/cultures. I live in Northeast USA. Call the venue and ask, they will probably know how it’s being handled. Usually a private party has a room, limited menu etc.
Don’t ask. If you can’t afford it, don’t go.
Errrrrmmmm… you’re def paying for your own meal. And from my experience, the guests will ALL cover the bday girl too.
My pain point with this is that usually everyone hands their cards and it’s split evenly. Which enrages me as maybe I didn’t drink, or maybe I got something much less expensive or I didn’t get an app etc etc etc.
IDK, are you close at all to this cousin? I’d def ask how much she thinks you should budget for your meal… play dumb even tho duh you can look up the menu .
It’s sticky, if they just split it evenly between all and exclude her from paying. You don’t want to pay for other people, but I reaaaaally don’t know how to get out of these situations, unless you privately speak to a waiter or something….
I sent out invites to a similar event and wrote, “Be our guest for dinner…etc.” I wanted to hint that I was paying and that my guests were just that: guests! I was also able to follow up with two people to let them know dinner was on me, hoping they would spread the word if anyone asked. It’s hard to make things clear without flat out saying what you mean, but I was trying to phrase things in a nice way.
Why should YOU ask them?
If your cousin is worried, she should ask and make sure that she could afford it or refuse to go.
You should stay out of it.
To play devil’s advocate here, you say everyone has celebrated a bunch of other events and its nice to be able to celebrate her this time..for all those other events has she chipped in or spent large amounts for the other people? If so, then why is it not fair that these other people spend alot on her this once ? As a single, childfree person; I have shelled out large amounts of money on gifts for friends/family’s weddings/showers/childs bdays..and would be nice if it was reciprocated every once in a while.