My husband and I are about to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary this month. We both work a lot and have 2 small children, youngest is 2, who are in daycare full time. We both work demanding jobs, and I sometimes travel for work. I make about 65% of the income and we bring in close to $300k a year. We have known each other since high school and we have had a great marriage. He is a great father, we work well together, we share in the responsibilities at home. At times I feel like I take on more and can get stressed with all the responsibilities, but we usually address that and things get better. I also just like things cleaner / more organized but he does enough to help out. We are in the process of looking to hire a nanny to help out because our jobs are demanding. We both love the work we do and careers are important to us so we likely won’t be switching jobs.
My husband lost both parents within the past year. He lost his dad 3 months ago. Both of his parents are alcoholics. Since losing his mom a year ago, he began drinking more. Even more so after losing his dad. He still does his part at home but he likes to go out to sports bars and drink once the kids are in bed, especially if I’m tired or have work to wrap up in the evenings. There have been a few times that he has come home blackout drunk. I am trying to be understanding because he has gone through a lot. We have talked about it and he says he regrets it and will work on it but has continued the pattern. This morning, something told me to look through his phone. I found a deleted text message from a blocked number. I put a few things together and assumed this was someone he met at a bar and had some type of encounter with. I asked him about it and he says he doesn’t remember. The message is from 3 weeks ago when I had to travel for work. My mom came into town to help out with the kids since I would be gone for a few days. I sent the girl a message and she basically confirmed my suspicions. He told her he was divorced, told her more lies, they kissed and she gave him a bj in his car. They would have gone further but they had no place to go.
I confronted my husband. He has apologized, although he says he didn’t remember but saw the text the next morning and got scared so he deleted it and blocked her number. He said he is going to go to therapy. He suggested marriage counseling. I asked him to stop drinking completely and going out to bars without me. He dumped out all the alcohol in our house.
I am so hurt. I love him but most importantly our kids deserve to have both of us full time. If it weren’t for my kids, I would leave out of respect for myself. I feel betrayed. But I’m torn. On one hand I owe it to my kids to try to make it work, but I am so hurt and feel like I’m lacking in self respect by staying. Also, I’m so fearful of this not being a onetime thing. I am torn… He is a good person, but he crossed a line with me that I don’t know if can recover from.
Those who have a similar experience, what did you do? Did you regret it?
45 comments
First off, let’s call a spade a spade. You’re a high-flying, money-making, supermom who’s holding down the fort while hubby is out playing his own version of ‘Cheers’ at the local bar. Not cool, especially when he turns into Mr. Hyde with a hint of amnesia.
Now, grief is a gnarly beast that makes us do bizarre things, like pretending you’re single when you’re anything but. However, swapping spit in the name of sorrow? Methinks the mourning card has been overplayed.
Therapy’s on the table, that’s a good sign. Marriage counseling, even better. Tossing out the booze? Standing ovation. But here’s the crux – you’re not a clown in the circus of betrayal, and self-respect isn’t the price of admission for a happy family life.
Kids need happy parents, true, but they also need honest relationships to model after. Staying together for the kids works about as well as a chocolate teapot – sweet intention, messy execution.
Take it step by step. Therapy’s the appetizer, but the main course is seeing real change over time. He needs to prove he can be the husband you deserve and the father his children need.
Now, let’s talk about you. Torn between the love for your family and the betrayal you feel is like being the rope in a game of tug-of-war. Therapy for you, too, might help untangle those knots.
As for regrets, they’re as common as leftovers in the fridge. Some people stay and make a Michelin-star meal out of it. Others realize they prefer takeout and move on. Only you can decide what you’ll end up savoring.
In the end, it’s not about what you ‘owe’ anyone else. It’s about what you owe yourself. Trust, love, respect – these are the family jewels. If he’s pawned them for a fling, he better have a good plan to win them back. And you, queen that you are, need to decide if he’s worth the effort. Because remember, even queens can say, “Off with his head!” figuratively speaking, of course.
You don’t have to decide anything right now if you aren’t ready. Take some time to process. Consider some therapy for yourself so you have someone to work through your thoughts and feelings with. If you need space, then you can separate and either work on the marriage or work on ending it.
At the very least, if you’re going to consider continuing you need to see profound and meaningful change from him. It might take a while to find a marriage counselor, so have him get on that and start making calls. Then when he finds one, you can decide to go or not.
Is he in any kind of treatment for his drinking? It doesn’t have to be AA, but it should be something. With that level of drinking, his emotional issues, and his family history, I would be very skeptical of him stopping on his own. It might not even be safe to, so he should talk to a doctor ASAP.
In the end, your marriage might not work out, but none of this work will be a waste. If nothing else, he needs to get himself to a healthier place if he’s going to be a father to your children, separate or together. Marriage counseling can also help you navigate your way through separation and divorce, if that’s what you decide, so that you can put aside your differences and work on co-parenting.
Oh my. It doesn’t sit well with me that he claims not to remember. If he was black out drunk he would not have been able to craft the lie about his marital status & maneuver a hookup in the confines of a car. That’s just bs. So he’s not telling you the whole truth & it’s hard for him to redeem himself when he hasn’t been completely honest about what he’s done.
He’s broke trust between you two. Trust it took years to build & a minute to destroy.
I don’t blame you for wanting to work thru it but unless he comes completely clean, there’s little chance it will work.
If cheating is a dealbreaker, then divorce him.
If you are willing to give him a chance, then give him a chance. But he needs to do the work – stay sober, quit going to bars, take accountability for drinking so heavily, take accountability for lying that he was divorced, and start doing his fair share in the marriage.
Children need two happy healthy parents. You staying in this dysfunctional marriage will damage them far worse than staying together “for the kids”.
Put your children first.
Don’t reconcile. It will happen again.
Blind trust, pure love and complete respect.
Those 3 things are forever gone and you will never have them back, you can talk to all the people that reconciled and they will all tell you the same, they live with it, they live knowing their relationship will never have those anymore.
You might have 90% trust but you will never fully know if he won’t do it again, you might feel really in love with him but it will be tainted because he was with someone else while he was supposed to “love” you back, and you might respect him but you will never forget what he did to you by betraying you, lying, taking your right to choose, exposing you to potential STD.
I’m telling you these so you don’t try reconciliation without knowing what it is, it’s your life you need to think about it.
If you can live with it, want to reconcile and if he is willing to work on it then maybe reconciliation is worth a shot but if not just leave.
Just put an end to it as fast and painlessly as you can but don’t drag this out if you know it’s over.
Good luck
Your husband is an alcoholic. There is a genetic predisposition to addiction and it sounds like your husband thew a snake eyes saving throw to avoid it. He will drink again and will almost certainly get black out drunk again. It also sounds like he is in a self-destructive spiral likely caused by the PTSD he probably has from being raised by his parents. The risky sex. The black out drinking. The driving while intoxicated. All that points to a man trying to end everything good in his life.
He needs intensive individual therapy focusing on addiction and trauma. Simply sitting down with a therapist once a week won’t do crap.
If you stay drinking has to stop if you leave for a trip your mom only watches when he’s at work make sure he comes home when he’s supposed to he has kids when he’s off cause you won’t be able to trust him for awhile every one loses love ones but they shouldn’t cheat
When you stay with a cheater you tell them then that you are ok with being cheated on. When someone is cheating they are lying every single second of the day and night. Another thing to be aware of is that cheaters only ever admit to what they think you will find out.
Get STD tested and see a divorce attorney. Also check out the Chump Lady site. You can read stories from women who stayed and were cheated on over and over.
I can tell you I wouldn’t hire a female nanny and then leave him alone with her.
If you are unhappy and the relationship is strained all the time, it is better for you to separate, as children learn how relationships work for their parents
What was her message to him?
Also if she gave him a bj in his car, does he drive home drunk? Because absolutely not.
OP, sending you the biggest hug. Take things one day at a day, but remember your worth. You deserves a partner that shows up for you and your kids instead of drowning his sorrows at the bar.
You’ll need to come up with boundaries and hard rules for what you need and what’s acceptable. Especially when it comes to him spending time with friends and going out to the bar.
If he will agree to:
* Solo therapy
* Couples therapy
* Sobriety
* Attending a sobriety accountability group
Then I think this is a situation in which I’d be willing to try. You may also benefit from your own solo therapist as well. Do know you’re absolutely well within your rights to ask for him to move out while he works on all these things. That’s absolutely fair. He can go get himself together while you heal for a bit. Best of luck.
Tell him you want to blow his best friend to make it even. Just the look in his eyes will tell you that NOW he knows how you feel!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
I don’t know if anyone has said that you need to go and get tested for STDs. You should get his phone bill and look at when he’s been out ‘blackout drunk’ to maybe get an idea of how many women he’s spun his bs lies to and cheated on you with. Also, two alcoholic parents that have died. Do you want your kids to grow up with the legacy he is carrying on?
Op, if you think it’s worth a try. You need to decide what conditions he has to meet for you to start being able to move forward.
I do recommend he gets into rehab if he hasn’t and do a total stint to get to the root of his issues.
Alcohol is insidious and especially if his parents were then there is a gene that can run in families. He needs to get sober and be in therapy for at least 6 months to a year. It won’t be easy. My ex went through rehab 6 times before he finally got sober. BUT it’s different for everyone. We also didn’t have children.
You should get some therapy. Hire that nanny. Find a good older woman or guy. I’m being frank but no young women.
Maybe you take a smidge or just more time to really evaluate your marriage and life. It sounds like work work work and that isn’t conducive to a good sustaining marriage. When do you have time to connect and communicate.
I’m not saying his cheating is healthy or good and he both lost both of his parents. How did you support each him? It sounds like your constantly in the go and I know death of a parent can really trigger self medicating.
Get him in rehab asap. Find a facility. Y’all make enough. He can take a leave from work.
Then get some marriage counseling.
You need to work together. Marriage isn’t a percent. It’s not 50/50. Its 100/100.
Updateme!
Get STI tested now and in 6 months.
Sounds like he needs a lot of therapy and AODA treatment.
This is not the first time. It’s the first time he got caught. So. No comment.
Fuck no!! Divorce his ass ffs
So he’s going out drinking alone, picking up women (likely not the first time this has happened, probably just the first time he’s gotten caught), and likely driving drunk too? This guy has very serious lapses in judgment, and based on his pattern of behaviour, not likely to stop without serious motivation and therapy. I think at the very least I’d ask for a separation so he can work on his issues without continuing to bring them into your relationship. He’s got a very long way to go to regain your trust.
I think you’d be just fine without him, and it may be worth quietly preparing your finances and consulting a lawyer to solidify that you have both options present. I think this proves you can’t trust him, and generally this is an indication of his core character. Best of luck op, I’d recommend individual therapy, you don’t have to rug sweep his cheating to uphold the illusion of a happy family.
He deleted the texts, blocked her number, and did his best to hide it from you. What else is he hiding and how can you ever trust him again? What kind of lesson is that for your kids… What your husband wants is completely irrelevant, the only that that matters is what you want and what will make you happy.
The biggest lie people tell themselves is, “I’m staying with him/her for the sake of the kids.” kids pick up on the toxic atmosphere and bad attitudes between their parents. It 100% better to have 2 separated and happy parents than to have 2 parents living together but with a dysfunctional marriage. Just remember that you are setting an example for your kids, and what they see growing up will have a huge impact on their lives. Do you want your kids to think it’s OK to cheat or that they should accept being cheated on and that it’s OK to get shitfaced and then act like their actions are not their fault and they should get away without consequences.
Only you can decide what to do. but I really do think that you need to make him face some serious consequences for his actions, or he will just do the same crap over and over, knowing you will just accept it and do nothing.
Ehh. You owe it to your kids to provide a good example of healthy adult interactions, but that can happen without being in a romantic relationship with their father. What do you owe to yourself?
First things first- he gets his drinking issue dealt with before you even consider remaining together. This is coming from guy with a bad relationship with alcohol. I never cheated, but I know my drinking caused hers and ended the marriage.
That being said, divorce sucks. I say it’s worth waiting and seeing how hard her can rebound. You two can be stronger because of this- may not happen but it’s a possibility.
… he had WEEEKS to
Come clean… WEEEKS to stop drinking…
He continued this behaviour even after he cheated… he issant changing because he is remorseful, he only did it to pacify you… and would have continued had you not found out…
He clearly wassnt drunk enoguh to come up with a premeditated story to cheat… he toook ACTIVE STEPS…
He’s not remorseful, his parents dying has nothing to do with banging a stranger… stop trying to make excuses for him!
You deserve MUCH BETTER
Cheaters cheat, unless it’s a miracle.
Save yourself the time and energy, I could never trust him again. Sexual affairs, to me, are an absolute dealbreaker. I would walk away. Man’s a liability, allowing your wagon to be hitched to his is an enormous risk that just not worth it.
I overlooked probable cheating and he continued to cheat, I very much regret not kicking him out then.
Please don’t make the same mistake, I feel like I wasted my entire life and it’s too late to hope for a new life.
Take your time, and you do not have to rush things. Do what feels best for you. However, for this to work out, or even have a chance of working out, you need to tell him to come clean with everything, and I mean everything. Now is not the time for “little lies.” Trust is everything right now, and if he doesn’t come clean right now, and you find something down the line, it will shatter your trust all over again. Right now, you are questioning everything, like whether he has done this before and what else he might be hiding. Your entire relationship is now up for questioning.
If you decide to try to work things out and feel that he has shown through his actions that he is trying to change and has told you everything, then couples counseling (individual counseling for both of you as well) is a must. They will tell you that the old relationship you and he are trying to get back to is dead and needs to stay that way. You will have to start fresh, and every day he has to earn your trust, respect, and love again. Additionally, he needs to address his drinking problem as soon as possible. I understand that his parents just died, and that’s awful, but it’s an explanation, not an excuse to go out and get blackout drunk. He is still responsible for his actions, 100%.
I believe you can come back from this, but every relationship is unique, and you don’t owe anyone anything. If you want to heal and mend this, you can, but don’t do it because of outside pressure; do it because you still believe you can find happiness with him again. The first step is for him to demonstrate through actions, not words, that he’s willing to change.And if three months from now, you decide it’s too difficult and you can’t get over it that’s okay. Just remember that you are the one who decides what is best for YOU.
I wish you the best!
He owed it to you and the kids to remain faithful regardless of what he’s going through. Alcohol is an excuse. Who knows what else he’s done and with whom. He’s disgusting! I hope you leave. You wouldn’t be a bad Mom/person if you did. He’s the bad guy and it would be his doing.
You say he’s a good man? He isn’t. Good men don’t do this.
A relationship is never ever the same after trust has been broken, no matter how much therapy you have.
Take it from someone who stayed and it almost destroyed me.
Just know he actually consciously did that while your mom was helping out with your kids. Is that the type of man you want married to? He didn’t care you were out of town. He didn’t care about the kids. Just wanted his dick sucked. That was the #1 priority. Alcohol is never to blame. The person is. They chose to consume alcohol. They made said decision.
He is an alcoholic- just like his parents. Kids watch their parent’s behavior and learn from them, that this how adults deal with problems. They probably have inherited from him a tendency for addictions. This can be genetic. That’s why you need to keep them away from any other addicts and any kind of drugs whatsoever. If he is serious, he gets clean immediately. Maybe in clinic, if that’s a possibility. The break will be good for you as well and you can think about, weather you want to continue this relationship or not. He isn’t telling the full truth, so that’s a bad sign for the future. Blackouts rarely happen and even rarer to an alcoholic. For them alcohol makes them normal. They get weird if they are sober.
It isn’t a one time thing and you know it. He’s sorry he got caught, that’s all. You earn enough money to provide for yourself and your children without him present, don’t stay in a relationship like this. The next time he goes out, you’ll be sitting at home wondering if he’s doing the same time. And chances are, he will be.
Your children deserve happy parents not parents that stay together when they shouldn’t
So he got scared and blocked the woman. Well that was easy. Did he also stop going out and getting drunk? Running from problems without making specific changes means nothing. His proclivity for becoming a hard core alcoholic are there. Suggesting therapy isn’t going. He needs to address this now.A drunk dad and partner is not a good dad and partner.One morning he’s gonna wake up passed out on the floor in his own puke and urine with your babies standing over him. Don’t let that happen to your kids. Good luck to you OP. Alcohol is a depressant and is not going to help his grief process at all.
>Those who have a similar experience, what did you do? Did you regret it?
I know 2 girls (my friends) whose husbands cheated just like yours.
It’s a repeat experience for them.
With one couple, she caught her husband cheating on her 2 years after her decision to work it out (yes, he actually went to individual therapy and they also went to couples counseling). It was her 2nd marriage, she divorced her first one due to him cheating once so she wanted to try and give her 2nd marriage an opportunity that she didn’t give to her first husband. Oh boy, it didn’t go well. She felt truly deceived because for 2 years, he seemed very remorseful, seemed to be in the path of straight and narrow…(no alcohol, no frequenting bars that she’s aware of, etc) She actually has regained her trust in him within a year, only to find out the next year that he’s been cheating on her. He’s told his AP(s) that he’s a recently divorced man (to explain the existence of her pic in his FB profile pic). She did make his ‘fantasy’ come true and filed for a divorce .
The other couple… they’re more religious, they went to counseling within their church, went to annual religious retreats for couples, etc, 4 years later…boom…she caught him sexting another married woman.
Of course those two totally regretted wasting their years. But now they’re reveling in single lives (Both are gorgeous and they have no issue finding dates, but they just don’t want to get remarried/serious these days, and focus on raising their kids and their careers).
2 of them are my close friends, but I’ve known at least 4 acquaintances (women) who stayed after their husbands cheated, and all 4…repeated cheating. And three sets of aunts (family) whose husbands (yeah, my uncles) cheated on them, but those ladies are of different generation and live in a country where divorces were so stigmatized and it’s hard for women to divorce their wandering husbands, so my aunts had to endure those cheaters until they died.
I hate to break it to you but alcoholics will say they dump all the alcohol and they’ll let you watch them dump but they’ll have stashes… my stepmom literally made a slit in a purse and his a small bottle in the liner. He needs major therapy and possibly rehab.
I’m just thinking about all the other women he has pursued or hooked up with from the bar. Plus both his parents were alcoholics so his response to them dying is to be an alcoholic. /s Makes sense
I’ll tell you what my mom told me. She wished she left my father the first time he cheated instead of trying to make it work for her kids. By the time she finally left him she hated and resented him so much that having a healthy coparenting relationship was completely off the table. Your children will be fine with divorced parents, in fact it’s better to do it when they’re young and don’t have that many strong memories of y’all being together as a family unit. Do not force yourself to stay for your children, they can sense and feel the anger and hurt you feel. They’re smarter than you think and it’s not healthy for them to grow up in a home where their parents hate each other.
In my opinion you need to separate.not divorce yet but he needs to show you he can be better.him being at home means same old same old
The best thing you can do for your children is treat yourself how you would want them to treat themselves. Would you want them to feel disrespected but selflessly stay in a marriage for their kids, or get a divorce and show their kids to always prioritize respecting yourself? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. You need to really consider the kind of life you want to live and the kind of lessons you want to teach your kids.
Best of luck OP! Do give us an update!