To start this off, I’m not a fan of sex. I don’t mean to offend anyone but it’s just not my thing. My bf and I had a couple intimate nights but we never get to the point of genital penetration, the closest we did was putting a finger inside me or a tounge. I allowed him to do so, but I never asked for it. Now he wants me to do oral on him, which I couldn’t. He asked many times already, and I just can’t. I feel bad, ofcourse. I was just put off when he told me that he already did things like that so why couldn’t I. I respectfully told him that I can’t, that I’m not prepared on it any way, and I don’t think I will be at all.
Should I just tell him that sex isn’t my thing? How do I tell him that without being offensive now that we already shared some intimate moments?
43 comments
I mean ya, he should probably know. It wont be offensive.
It’s only right he knows so can make a choice early on
You just need to be honest with him , he’s clearly a sexual person and you are not , so you are not compatible
If you dont expect to ever be interested in sex, you should definitely make sure he knows and understands.
I would be a dealbreaker for me, I could never live a life with out the physical intimacy of sex.
Seems like you two are just not sexually compatible and you would be doing the both of you a grave disservice if you didnt tell him and just kept putting up with things you’re not comfortable with.
Well don’t you think it would be worse to keep him thinking you’ll warm up to sex and make both you frustrated and disappointed? The least bad option is to be honest and up front about where you’re at.
Tell him and expect that to be the end likely. It’s his thing. It’s not your thing. You’re not compatible in that way and it will likely be a dealbreaker. No point in going further down the road in this relationship and NOT telling him that.
Find a guy (or girl) who is also Ace and you can be happy not having sex together.
Any chances you are asexual? Have you explored this option? It would be good to look into this as it will make you happier and having more understanding about yourself it’s beneficial for you and any future relationships.
He will end the relationship over this most likely. Better to tell him sooner than later.
> I’m not a fan of sex.
Yes, you need to tell this to people you date. Otherwise you’re just setting both of you up for disappointment.
You need to be honest with him that you are not into sex and more than likely will not change, cannot leave him hanging on something that is very important in a relationship.
Asexual mayhaps?
First, how old are you both? Second, is there some other alternative for something you will do for him? Guys have needs. Even if you don’t. If you don’t satisfy those needs, he may not be around long.
Do both of you a favor and move on to find people who are more sexually compatible. Neither of you will change enough to make it work. Sorry.
You’re sexually not compatible. You have to talk about this and consider if continuing your relationship makes sense. Maybe your asexual which is perfectly fine.
Yes, tell him you don’t like or want sex. Doesn’t matter if it’s offensive, he needs the truth and to decide if he’s ok with that.
In the future it’s better to tell potential partners BEFORE a relationship that you are not sexual.
You had to come here for advice on this?
He has a right to know. It sounds like you two aren’t compatible. In the future, you need to be upfront about this with potential partners as you’re likely going to need to date someone that also doesn’t like sex.
You need to tell him now. It’s not fair to either of you to drag this along with two completely different ideas of what you’re after.
I wouldn’t jump to conclusions if I were you. Contrary to what movies and the media tell us, not all people like sex/sexual touches from the beginning. Emotions and stress can be overwhelming and make it awkward. Double awkward if you were brought up with notions that sex is bad, immoral, etc. Maybe that is not the case for you, but even without such an upbringing you can still experience awkwardness. If he is also not very experienced or just awkward himself, the entire thing can feel off-putting. The solution? Persist, but try to relax, try to let it happen naturally and tell him to drop the pressure on oral sex. See if you can just enjoy foreplay first: kissing, kidding different body parts, touching, caressing. If that feels good, you can move on but without pressure to do this or that. And keep in mind that while he may be more experienced than you, he an also be bad at sex / foreplay, so talk to him, discuss boundaries, likes and dislikes.
Also, is there anything off putting in particular? Poor hygiene issues, poor chemistry between you too, etc?
I’m not entirely certain of the circumstances here, but there seems to be some deeply rooted issues. Perhaps before engaging in a relationship, analysis should be had…
Maybe take a look into the asexual dating scene
Are you a virgin? Mayne you need to feel more comfortable with each other without the pressure of sex
You sound asexual. Which, by definition, makes you sexually incompatible with anyone who isn’t. Staying in this relationship (a decision you’re both making) is a set up for failure. It’s not fair to pressure you into things you don’t want to do. Enthusiastic participation is the only right way to have sex. It’s not fair that he can’t enjoy sex with someone whose excited to be with him, and still, must remain loyal.
So either tell this guy he can have outside sexual relationships, just don’t catch feelings. Or break up with him.
Yes you should definitely tell him. Sex is an important part of a relationship for most people and sexual incompatibility is a top most common reason divorce. You already know sex isn’t your thing. He has a right to know what he’s in for and decide for himself if he wants to date you or not. IMO, if you aren’t having sex, then you’re just good friends.
An Asexual partner should try to be open about talking this out, your boundaries and desires. Your openness about them finding pleasure etc. bc it can really lead to someone feeling unloved and unattractive and that’s not fun for anyone.
You absolutely should tell him. It’s not fair to either of you. Clearly he expects sex as it’s afterall a normal part of far most relationships. It doesn’t mean you should have if you Dont want it. But be honest with him.
Are you sure you’re an ace? Have you tried working on your sexuality? Sex toys, masturbation, orgasm, maybe a fetish?. Sexual
Ingimacy is a deal breaker for me
I mean I would never be with someone who didn’t want to or need sex in their life.
I’m sure he would want to know.
You MUST tell him. Sex is an extremely important part of a relationship. He deserves to know that if he pursues a LTR with you, satisfying sex will not be in the cards. It’s would be a deal breaker for me, unless you are ok with him finding sexual gratification outside of your relationship.
So would you be okay staying in a relationship with him but he has a sexual partner other than you?
Or maybe you are young and not ready? Tell him that also if it is so.
Cut the guy loose. He deserves to know so he can leave. No sexual intimacy is a deal breaker. If he says it’s not, he’s lying.
You’re asexual and you got into a (I assume monogamous) relationship without giving the other person a heads up? That’s cruel, you’ve set him up for heartbreak
You sound like you may be asexual, in which case you probably need to find a relationship where the other person is also largely disinterested in sex. Unfortunately, it just sounds as though you and your bf are simply incompatible.
Honestly, do yourself a big favour, don’t get into relationships with heterosexual men. It isn’t good for either of you.
One other thing, everyone is assuming that you are asexual. Maybe you are and that is okay. However, there is also the possibility that all you’ve experienced to date is bad sex in bad situations. It may be something worth thinking about.
Nope. I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t want to have sex with me. Why even last this long in a relationship with him? That’s so selfish. Tell him the truth and let him find someone who actually cares about meeting his needs. Find yourself a man who’s asexual or a virgin.
I hope you like cats!
Are you a teenager? This sounds hugely immature and unrealistic.
Honestly in my opinion, you should leave him. I wish I never married my wife. I’m so miserable that I am broken into a million pieces. Leave him for his sake. Give him a chance to be happy. You aren’t compatible
As someone in the ace spectrum, I identify with what you’re saying.
I don’t experience sexual attraction or sexual interest but I have sex for the sake of my partner.
Forcing yourself and breaking your own boundaries can be really harmful. Please be kind and honest with yourself about what you need in a relationship and what you’re comfortable doing.
You sound like fun…