It’s a very silly thing but, I’m a bit insecure about some parts of my body due to growing up with listening to male classmates judge women’s genitals. I’ve come a long way making peace with my own body, but this one still a bit tough. My partner is literally the sweetest man in the universe, he’s helped me overcome very intimate traumas and makes me feel very comfortable in my skin since he doesn’t hesitate to kiss, touch and what not every bit of it.
Latelly he’s been asking (just asking, really. He’s not pushy or anything) if we could do it with the lights on because he wanted to see us. I think that’s super sexy and cute from him, but I just can’t allow myself to do it. I used to have this feeling even from doing something during daylight and I still feel a bit embaressed at times, but I manage. Now, lights on during night is pure direct light above our heads.
I’m just venting because i know it’s a me problem and it’s purely up to me to do the overcoming again, but any comforting comment/tips/stories would make my day.
Edit: Thank you all for the feedback and kind words<3 I took lots of notes and I’ll definitely do my best to work on it. We’re very open with each other so I just came here to find tips and similar experiences to mine.It’s funny, but I’ll try update to say which one worked best for me in the process XD
Ps: His/my room isn’t pitch black at night, we can see each other’s faces and bodies just not with that much detail. Saw lots of people sugesting blindfolds (we already use those a lott, my problem is just with the areas, i’m okay with him looking at me and vice versa)
Also just wanted to wish everybody who came to this post because they relate to me that you find somebody that makes you feel like a greek entity and the hottest person somebody could’ve ever laid their eyes on. That’s how my partner makes me feel and I hope I make him feel like that too, because he is and I’m very lucky to share my life with somebody like him. Don’t settle for less!
39 comments
Start with low light. Towel or blanket over a lamp or such.
Most guys are visual and like to see their partner because they find them exciting and arousing. Though you might feel insecure about some body part, he likely finds it very appealing.
I think you should try it sometime. If you have to in order to overcome your insecurity, think of it as a gift to him or close your eyes and pretend it’s dark or something. Hopefully after a few times seeing how it excites him, that insecurity will fade away.
Would it help if you wore a blindfold so you couldn’t see him looking at you? This might help with your shyness. I’m impressed with how far you’ve come already though. Sounds like it took a lot to get to this point and the fact you’re even asking about it shows personal growth and maturity. That’s awesome!
Sex with the lights on is the same as afternoon sex.
You could always try being blindfolded so it removes the visual aspect of sex for you.
Start with something less bright like a couple of candles. Soft lighting adds romance, allows you two to see each other a little, but is still not as glaring as a light.
Secondly don’t worry, I am sure your genitals are just like many others out there. They all have variation, different colors, shapes etc.
Do a search of the female anatomy, not porn starts, and you will find others that look like yours.
maybe try dim lights to see how it feels? you might also enjoy seeing his facial expressions and having the visual stimulation might help you be more in the moment??
Maybe propose to have sex in dimmed lighting?
He wants to do it because he thinks you’re sexy! Better than him NOT wanting to look at you and visualizing someone else! Maybe you can wear a blindfold and just enjoy whet he does to you…
I was the same many many moons ago and tbh still am, I dont like bright lights as I feel I will see more of my imperfections and I don’t like it…..I would prefer to have the lights dimmed. 😘
CANDLES. And if you’re worried about fire, get some of those flameless battery powered ones. Low flickering light is a mood enhancer.
I can count on one hand how many times my husband and I had the lights off. I feel like having the lights on, and seeing the way he looks at me really helps build my confidence.
Bright lights can indeed make things awkward, but natural lighting or dim lighting can make things respectively relaxed and sensual or hot af. Time it out and try morning sex (not wake-up sex, that could be SA if it’s not consensual or agreed upon prior to) or in the evening, dim the lights a bit (if you don’t already have them, dimmer switches are relatively cheap and easy to install. You can also buy remote dimmer controls for light fixtures like lamps)
I personally love fucking my so when I can see the body and face, especially when the sun is shining and you can see every single detail.
If I were you I would take it as a complimant that your partner loves to see you when you’re having sex.
Guys are visual creatures. Meet him half way …dim the lights. Which btw can be super sexy as well
As you already said, he obviously likes what he sees and feels. And as far as the ‘direct light above our heads’ goes, why don’t you just use a small candle? Obviously make sure it’s in a safe place. I know it shouldn’t need adding but accidents do happen. Start small. A small candle doesn’t give much light.
It is just the two of you and he obviously is attracted to you, and if you trust him and are attracted to him… put your inhibitions aside it might open your sexlife to freedom. Start out with a blindfold or instead of dark lower the light. What exactly do you think is unattractive about yourself….large clit, labia, or breast size is not really something most guys are hung up on we are just happy a woman is paying attention especially if it involves sex…guys also have body issues many are obsessed with penis size being the major one…
If you want to do it, but you’re having reservations but you’d still like to try, wear a sleep mask. Lights are off for you.
It’s the trauma from teasing and everything that is preventing you from enjoying something. It is up to you to decide how you want to move ahead with it. If therapy is an option, it can teach you to not feel ashamed/scared anymore.
I’ve seen plenty of people using this reddit to describe the exact opposite situation. Guys wanting to only have sex with lights turned off.
And the girls wrote that they felt they were only a sack and an object to them.
Your situation is the other way around, the guy wants to see your body while doing it because he must love it. As you should.
That said, you should let him know about your insecurities and try to find common ground. If you feel deeply uncomfortable with the lights on, then forget about it, but if there’s a part of you that wants to, work on it.
Maybe try starting under the sheets with the lights on or have a shower together and when you go to the room you are too horny to go and turn off the switch.
I hope you can love your body completely some day.
Try soft lighting or candles and/or have him put on a blindfold on you and you prob won’t be as self conscious.
Night vision goggles.
Give the overhead light a miss.
Get yourself a lamp and a soft-glow bulb.
Make the lighting work for you.
Before you get down, spend some time in front of the mirror, either naked or wearing something you feel confident and sexy in.
Please don’t let body hang-ups hold you back from enjoying a fulfilling sex life with your partner!
I can relate to your situation very very much, I was so self conscious I wouldn’t let my ex touch me past my hips, I used to shake at smear tests, I wanted plastic surgery, never wore bikini bottoms unless they had a skirt etc.
When I was a teen I told my best friends about my insecurities and when we stopped being friends, they said I had balls and spread round the school that I was a hermaphrodite and my boyfriend broke up with me because he didn’t know ‘what was going on down there’ I was prank called for a year and called a hermaphrodite for a year.
That was a long time ago, and I’m not saying this so you feel sorry for me or anything, it’s so you understand I truly mean it when I said I relate.
As hard as it is, you need to gradually try and push yourself out of your comfort zone. Start with a candle, late afternoon sex with blinds down where daylight isn’t bursting in, a lamp on. You’ll get there, you truly will.
I’ve been with my partner 5 years, and I have only recently started to be more comfortable and honestly he gets so turned on, it’s unreal. I was so so scared at first and I told him I was scared, so we didn’t have sex as such, he just slowly started to finger me and I let him look down. Then when I was uncomfortable we stopped. We tried this a few times and with me anxiously asking multiple times if my vagina was gross or weird looking, he gently reassured me that he loves it and that confidence is sexy. I’ve only recently after started letting him go down on me, first with the lights off and then gradually doing it with a candle/lamp on etc.
I still have my days that are difficult, where I get changed hunched over and scrunched up so he can’t see, but we recently went to a hotel for our 5 year anniversary and I bought crotchless underwear! I never thought I would wear those in my life, I truly thought I would ever be in a situation like that.
The words of comfort I can give are that if you trust your partner, then try and gently step out your comfort zone and they will 100% not let you down. You are beautiful, and your partner clearly thinks so too. Even with the lights off, it doesn’t morph your body into something different – he knows what you look and feel like and would love to see you in a clearer light I’m sure. But that’s *only* if you are comfortable of course. My partner has also told me that having larger labia feels amazing, he said it’s like I’m hugging his dick lmao.
Anyway I hope I’ve gave some words of comfort. I’m telling you, once you start taking those little steps, you’ll feel more and more comfortable. It’s just starting that’s the hard part. But you got this, from one self conscious girl to another – own your body, you’re perfect as you are ❤️
I know exactly how you feel but it seems you have a safe and loving partner. Maybe try dim lights or candle light at first. I enjoy lights on now because my husband has made me very comfortable and assured me that he loves my body. I still dont like glaringly bright lights but soft lighting is sexy and can be very very flattering 🥰
The woman decides with her appearance, if the lights are on or off. If he wants them on, you won. If he prefers it in the dark, you lost. 😜
I would explain the situation to him and tell him you aren’t ready emotionally for lights right now. My high school sweetheart had one breast larger than the other. Like one was a B cup, the other a C cup. You really couldn’t tell when she was clothed, but naked, for sure. It didn’t bother me at all, but it did her and she was embarrassed about it. It took A LONG time of us having sex, before she relaxed enough to like not try to hide the fact. The only reason I bring this up is, it’s gotta be on your timeline. You determine when you are ready, in this case, to have sex under the bright lights. Until then, just ask him to be understanding and not push ya on it. But you should be kind of striving to get over the phobia for your own sake, so you can enjoy sex and not feel self conscious.
Start with candlelight and work up from there
How about buying a lamp with a dimmer on it and putting it in the corner shining up at the ceiling?
The dimmer will obviously let you control the light level, and having the light coming from the corner that way is not only flattering in general because it’s coming from a wider area (imagine the softbox a photograper uses), it can help you create an environment that is both dim and lit at the same time.
That might allow you to not only create an atmosphere which is sexy and fun just by default, and is more exciting than just a boring-ass overhead bulb, it also will allow you to easily create an environment that lets him be able to see you better, but still maintain a comfort level for you.
Honestly just having the overhead lights on is kind of boring and lame anyway, so doing it this way is better!
I’ve experienced this many times with girls that have the same reasoning as you.
First step is always the hardest but when/if you feel comfortable enough to allow it, you might find that having someone appreciating the parts of your body you have developed bad feelings about will make those bad feelings go away.
Go at your own pace but having an open mind about it might end up helping you ditch the negative feelings that were put on you by shitty dudes.
Men tend to be more “visual” than women. Or so I’ve been told. Soft light is good. Nothing harsh. We have a small table light with a 25w bulb. Or, our cable company offers a number of channels that just play music. With pleasing visual. Just about any type of music you might want. I’ll dial in something nice but put in on very low. The light of the TV is perfect.
You could start slow by lighting a candle at the other end of the room
I have a very similar insecurity from similar experiences as well as my mom telling me my vagina was misshapen and ugly as a kid, and from bad sexual encounters. Even after all that, I did eventually manage to get partially over the insecurities, the best thing that helped me was that I made sure that I thought about the fact that I know my man (and any sensible man) loves it. They do not see it as gross at all, they see it as something for pleasure of the both of you.
i like the low light suggestions. but have you considered a blindfold? your partner can admire you in all your *obvious* glory and you wont see a thing! honestly it helps me with my own insecurity, i dont want to see somebody have ANY reaction to me, good, bad, or otherwise. and i most fucking assuredly dont need to see me if i wanna get horny. but it also allows your partner, who im sure thinks you are fucking stunning, can just see you in their hands for a bit, and they dont have to moderate themselves while doing it.
We use battery operated, remote candles I found on Amazon. Too much light and it kinda kills the mood for us
Do it.
He’s asking for a reason.
The reason being there is nothing wrong with you.
.
Your feelings are your feelings and you have every right to do exactly as you feel comfortable.
.
Guys are very visual, that’s all I’m saying.
I want to point out it’s sometimes really hard to do the eating out correctly when it’s hard to see.
All guys have different preferences, and some have no preference.. I would be willing to bet that since a lot of men are very visual. They would rather see it than not see it. Regardless of what it looks like. The kids Making fun of vag in school probably don’t even think that way anymore. They were just immature.
Your man wants to see you naked. I bet he loves your body, all of it. That’s all. No real man wants their girlfriend/ wife to be insecure about themselves.
Just do it. Think about it, here you have an opportunity to get naked on front of an empathetic, understanding man. What better chance are you going to get to move forward in challenging yourself? Do you want to be handicapped for the rest of your life? You will have to face up to it at some point.
Do you know what is great about it? You can find you’re not the perfect physical specimen and people you would have sex with simply don’t care. Is your bf an Adonis? If he isn’t and he’s not worried about being naked in broad daylight in front of you, why should you be afraid of doing the same? Think of the possibility of walking naked around an apartment and not giving a damn what others might think about it.
We come into this world naked and looking pretty ugly at it and we will leave this world naked too and not be any better-looking. Don’t waste your life in between.