I just got married 4 weeks ago. I’ve been sensing some problematic things from him. His father was an alcoholic. He sometimes drinks during the day while he’s working. He tells me it’s not a big deal and it’s just to unwind. Sometimes I can smell the alcohol on his breath, and he acts completely different when he’s intoxicated.
A few weeks ago we went out to see his friends and the highlight of that night was when he was acting irresponsible and wouldn’t let me drive us back home. The way he was driving was terrifying. No matter what I said, i was being told “I’m fine” and that i don’t trust him or have faith in him. I couldn’t get my point across. After talking to him the following day, he stated “i know i was fine to drive.”
Okay so he still refused to acknowledge that he was in the wrong. He basically lied to me a while ago when he said he was getting a bottle of liquor for when he gets together with his friends, but was using that to drink on his own. I know he doesn’t drink everyday, but once in a while every week or other week one day he will.
When I opened up to him and told him how much this was affecting me, I was told 1) projecting my insecurities on to him 2) i don’t trust him 3) I’m basically saying he is his father (which I’m not???). He finally said fine since it’s such a big deal I’ll stop i won’t drink at all.
I don’t even know if i trust him anymore His family apparently knows about this behavior but never told me until i opened up about it. Very weird. Any advice wo’l be appreciated at this point.
TLDR: sensing my newly wed husband is an alcoholic.
28 comments
Yeah, no, that is alcoholism. In my experience, his family is in denial and thinks he just needs a “good woman” to take care of him.
Run, don’t walk, away from this situation. Unless he realizes he needs help and gets that help, this will only end badly.
If he’s not willing to acknowledge the problem and work to fix it on his own there’s not much else you can do. Nothing will force him to get better besides his own will/want too.
Also to add. He’s most *definitely* drinking more often than once in a while every week. He’s just getting better at hiding his addiction. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but also don’t be a punching bag and hang onto empty promises.
He said he will stop and won’t drink at all, so, great, case closed? Check out /r/AlAlon.
That definitely sounds like an alcohol problem. Don’t get in the car with him again if he’s drink driving. Call an Uber. You don’t want to die just because he won’t admit he’s drunk.
Don’t get in the car with him if he insists on drunk driving again. Get an Uber and call the cops before he hurts himself or some innocent person.
Take video of him when he is intoxicated. I had to do this with my exh. It probably won’t end well, my ex claimed i was just trying to embarrass him. Which…yes, he was high and behaving badly so he should be embarrassed by his behavior. Do it anyway. Show him how he is when he drinks, keep the video, DO NOT DELETE IT. If you do end up leaving you will need it. Dealing with an addict is beyond hard, I wish you weren’t going through this and if i could give you a hug I would. His family keeping this behavior from you is beyond problematic. Please reach out if you need help❤️. If he will not take accountability, leave before its too late.
The graveyard is full of drivers who where ok to drive after a night out and their passengers
Please take care of yourself. Living with an alcoholic is hard, and the gaslighting will drive you insane if you let it. Al-Anon meetings helped me immensely.
Ultimatum needs to happen here.
Annulment unless he gets to therapy AND gets sober.
I promise you if neither of these happens you and him are in for a really really bad time and a fucked up life.
I speak from experience. Do not, and I mean do not allow this to go on, and if it does you have to walk away.
Come on over to r/stopdrinking to see where this goes for you both
I’m an alcoholic actively working on my sobriety, and what I really want to tell you is run, don’t walk, to get this marriage annulled before any more time passes. Only a month in and he’s lying to you about something vitally important. And it’s not just one single lie, it’s lie upon lie. Lies are piling up and he’s not even remorseful. It’s not going to stop.
He’s sneaking booze. He’s lying about booze he’s purchasing. He’s drinking more heavily and more frequently than you suspect he is, he’s just learning how to hide it better. He told you he’s going to quit, but he did so like a petulant child. Someone “quitting” under these circumstances has no desire to be better and he’s not actually going to keep his word to you and stop drinking. He won’t even acknowledge he has a problem. He won’t even entertain the idea he MIGHT have a problem. He ENDANGERED YOUR LIFE, his life, and the life of anyone you may have encountered the night he insisted on driving while under the influence. You told him you were scared, but that wasn’t enough to make him stop. He’s got some bizarre power play going on in addition to the boozing. Makes me morbidly curious how he treats you in your day-to-day because this tiny snapshot of your life is beyond alarming. Please don’t stay with this man. He has no desire to change and you can’t help him right now. Addicts have to WANT to change and even when they desperately want to improve it’s still a goddamn uphill battle every day. Your husband has less than zero desire to fight that fight.
This is so weird, but I can’t help but picture him as drowning. All’s I can see is him forcing you under the water so he can stand on your back/shoulders to keep himself afloat for just a bit longer. He’s still going to go down, mind. Please don’t let him force you down with him.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. And to him, honestly. I’ve dealt with alcoholics my whole life, grew up with them, dated them, loved them. I lost my best friend to it earlier this year. It is truly a horrifying and life ruining disease. Please understand that HE is the only one who can make the decision to address his problem. He will get sober if and only when he decides to do so. Right now, he is hiding it and lying about it. He is in denial. You need to figure out what to do to protect yourself, don’t let him ruin your life too.
If it only took 4 weeks of marriage to suspect this, were there no signs before you got married?
>He finally said fine since it’s such a big deal I’ll stop i won’t drink at all.
I’m pretty sure all this means is that he won’t drink in front of you.
You need to have a proper, grown up, “big girl/boy pants on” conversation about it.
I’m an alcoholic with 9 years sober. Your husband has an alcohol problem. I’d highly recommend you attending some Al-anon meetings. Listen to their stories and tell them yours. If this is how he is acting in your honeymoon phase, when he should be on his best behavior, then imagine what the future holds.
There is nothing you can do to get or keep him sober, and that isn’t your job. You can’t fix him. Unfortunately, things usually have to get pretty bad for the alcoholic before they can make any effort to get sober.
I was in your exact place several years ago…. we had just moved in together halfway across the country and away from family when I found a box of empty hard liquor bottles… the next 7 years were one hell of a roller coaster because as you’ll soon learn about loving an alcoholic, they are not always sloppy shitbags. They will be extremely loving and charismatic at times in an attempt to overcompensate. Today, I’m a widow and my son is fatherless. And sadly, this was the best outcome. Someone was going to die from his reckless drunken mistakes. It ended up being him, but it wasn’t a simple “easy” car accident or anything…. he suffered horribly from end stage live failure, spent a year in a half in psychosis and tremendous physical pain, before dying from a massive GI bleed.
Listen to what everyone is telling you and RUN. Save yourself now because alcoholism WILL destroy everything and take you down too.
I don’t know you, but I’m so so sorry this is happening to you. I didn’t listen to others, I thought walking away from him when he needed the support was the worst thing i could do, and now my life is fucked and I’m alone. Please at least start going to Al-anon meetings or connecting with others in the Al-anon sub, so you’re not alone. Best of luck for your future.
He put his ego above your concerns for your safety, and clearly showed you where you stand in your relationship, not only are you not equal, but he can totally dismiss your opinion with out discussion because it’s different to his opinion, and he’s right. Regardless of how well he believes he was driving, when you said you didn’t feel safe he should take notice of that immediately and then check in with you that you are feeling safe now.
This alone is enough to make you get out of this relationship- it won’t just be this, there will be the guy who makes you uncomfortable, that he says is fine, the discussions over carrying the majority of household chores that can be ignored because he’s fine, any number of things that will effect you, and your voice will be ignored.
Fuck that, seriously it sucks and I feel like your already getting a good idea of how it feels and will be more – he will lie about things easily because it’s something he doesn’t want you to know(he knows how you will see it, and shows you just how much you view is not welcome),
Please remember this if your talking your self into staying out of guilt or responsibility or anything else- you are not in a role where you can influence this relationship to be safer, more secure, healthier, because you have no say, he is in the drivers seat for both of you, and he will make a wreak of your life while your saying- no, I think that’s a bad idea, it’s not safe – and he will ignore you while belittling you
Try posting in r/AlAnon, OP. They are very supportive.
I’m an alcoholic. I went to rehab and have been sober for 56 days. I spent the last year or so of my addiction sneaking my drinking from my wife. I made excuses. I projected. I minimized the problem. I never forced her to let me drive though, that’s a weird one. I’m guessing hes trying to prove to you and himself how “fine” he is. Sounds very dangerous.
I met and married my wife. Bought a house. Had kids. All while being a severe alcoholic. It was a gigantic life changing step to stop drinking.
If this is already affecting your marrige it WILL get worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Chances are he’s drinking 3 to 4 times the amount you think he is(in volume and frequency). He might try to control it but it will always end up being back to where it was. If he has an alcoholic brain there is no control. Alcohol will always win the battle.
I can’t tell you what to do but this isn’t going to magically dissappear. It’s going to be the third wheel in your marrige. Best of luck.
OP, I’ve been in your position. I can almost guarantee that he’s drinking way more than you think. Alcoholics are extremely good at hiding the full extent of their addiction.
Someone that drinks to get through the work day will not then be abstaining for a few days.
My marriage ended in divorce because he was absolutely in denial that had had problem, and over the years he became increasingly aggressive, threatening, and just plain mean (he would never accept what I told him about how drunk-him treated me, because he had no memory of any of it).
Once he was gone I found so many empty wine and liquor bottles hidden around the house, garage, shed, and garden.
I’m sorry OP. I don’t see this ending well unless he comes to understand on his own that he has a problem.
Quick. Get out.
He’s worked hard to fool you and now that you are locked in, he’s letting go.
It was a mistake to get in the car with him.
Now he’s made you an accomplice.
“I was okay to drive. You got in the car, didn’t you?
Couldn’t have been that bad.
You exaggerate so much.”
Word for word. If you talked to any alcoholic I know, that’s what they’d say. If you went to Al-Anon groups they’ve heard those same words. It will get worse. As a nurse I’d rather a schizophrenic heroin addict with an attitude than an alcoholic any day. You will leave him, it’s just a matter of now or 20 years from now. My 93 year old grandmother just left her husband for the second time because he drinks. Don’t be her.
My 13 year old daughter refused to get into the car with her father when he was drunk. Stood there and took his screaming at her for 20 min as she waited for his aunt to pick her up. Find strength in my daughter’s act and don’t get into a car with someone who has been drinking.
Oh get out! NOW now! I went through HELL for years with a drinker who sounded just like your husband! I didn’t leave because our families are so intertwined (my brother married his sister and the kids are all close). I really wish I had left as soon as I realized. He is an alcoholic!
Run!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Had an alcoholic partner many years ago and this brings me right back there. I remember what hurt most was realizing the person I’d fallen in love with was gone, replaced by someone who lied constantly and cared only about himself. Trust your instincts. You’re not imagining things or blowing them out of proportion, and absolutely have every right to expect your husband to hold your safety and wellbeing as his highest priorities.
I could no longer take the hiding or the lying so had to leave. Took about 18 months after I learned of his addiction. Everyone’s path is different so you’ll choose what’s right for you and I wish you the best as you work through this. Just wanted to share a bit about my story, since yours struck such a chord.
Do NOT get in the car with him again. Take an Uber. Your life is not worth his delusion.
If he’s drinking during work, and driving drunk, alcohol is a problem for him – it is causing active harm in his life and he is not handling it.
My brother is an alcoholic and he refuses to get help, the destruction and heartache his addiction has caused my family is tremendous. I don’t have the option to walk away, but you do.
I don’t want to sound dramatic but I want you to ask yourself – do you want kids? Do you want a stable life for those kids? Do you want financial stability? Do you want to live without gaslighting and constant lying?
You said that your husband has said he will completely stop drinking – is he able to do that? If he refuses to get sober, then you should leave.
Look into annulment if it’s not too late. You cannot “save” him and you do not have to live with this lying and self-destructive behavior.
Drinking at work is a MASSIVE red flag and screams alcoholic. He’s not showing signs of alcoholism, he IS an alcoholic. Cut and dried. If your first response at work is to grab a drink, you are an alcoholic. If you are drinking alone, you are an alcoholic. If you are buying a bottle of booze and lying about why you are buying it, you are an alcoholic.
Drinking and driving is classic alcoholic behavior. Trying to gaslight you about it is alcoholic behavior. It’s clear he has zero concern for you or respect for you if he demanded to drive home drunk with you in the car. None.
Here is what’s going to happen if you stay and he refuses help. There is a high probability he gets arrested for drunk driving. It’s going to cost about $15-20k to deal with all the lawyers, etc. Plus his license will be suspended so all driving is your responsibility unless he drives illegally which escalates things when caught. He also stands a good chance of losing his job for the DUI. Since he’s drinking at work, he will most likely be fired when caught. I’ve only worked at places that would fire you for this. Some may demand treatment, but a lot will go straight to firing. Back to driving drunk. If he gets into an accident, he is looking at jail time, losing his insurance (and by extension, you lose insurance), lost job, lost car, etc. If he injures or kills someone driving drunk, simply put, you are fucked. Because you are married, all your joint assets will most likely be taken in the subsequent lawsuits. He’s in jail. Lawyers will bankrupt you. Then you must immediately file for divorce to separate your income and retirement from the joint assets. But any joint assets will be gone. So you end up divorced, broke, and starting over. If you have kids at this point, you are well and truly fucked financially.
If by some miracle, he doesn’t die in a crash, or do prison time, he’s going to die young. Most likely before 65 if he’s already drinking at work. For his last years, you will have to do everything because of whatever disease he’s dying from. Liver failure, kidney failure, early dementia, etc. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, doctor’s appointments, specialists appointments, bills, garbage, home repairs, etc will 100% be in you in addition to caring for him. You will age at a rate you won’t believe. The stress will take years off your life. Your health will suffer. This isn’t covering the times he was blackout drunk, fell, and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance. You or a child will find him and have to call 911. Then you have to clean up the blood. Or maybe you find him dead from choking on his own puke. Or worse, your child finds him dead from a head injury or choking on his puke.
I’m not just making this shit up. It’s real. We buried my stepdad this summer. He died from a severe brain injury that happened from falling while going to his stash of whiskey. His health was shit and he could barely walk. Alcohol had been taking him for the last 10+ years. Mom had to do almost everything the last 5 years. The last 3-4 years, the man I knew, the man that taught me to hunt, fish, golf, repair things, etc was gone. Replaced by a man that lived for whiskey. We couldn’t do family dinners for over 5 years because he would either refuse or be too drunk to participate. So we switched to brunch or lunch. Not going out, but at one of our homes because he couldn’t walk into most restaurants. Then, he’d sit there, shaking, until mom gave in and drove him home so he could sit and get his whiskey. His life was just whiskey, sitting on the couch, and watching TV for the last several years. He wasn’t allowed to drive because he physically couldn’t do it anymore. He hit the house. He hit the back wall of the garage. Etc. Mom took the car keys away.
My mom is the strongest woman I know. We are just realizing how strong she is. When she found him that morning, bleeding on the floor, she called the ambulance like in the past. Yes, this wasn’t the first time or the second time. Only, this time the CT showed a massive brain injury. There was no stitching him up and sending him home this time. It was a long, all day vigil by his family as his breathing got worse and worse until he finally took his last breath before midnight. He was finally at peace. Mom was obviously distraught but held up well. She had been watching the man she loved for well over 40 years disappear into a whiskey bottle. The best way I can describe it is like when I hear about losing a spouse to a long cancer bought. They don’t mourn like you think because they have been mourning the loss of the spouse for months or years already as cancer slowly takes their loved one away. But in my mom’s case, it was whiskey taking her husband away over years. We could literally see the change in mom from the stress she had been living with. The stress was gone. The change was huge. Compared to living with a decaying alcoholic for the last 5-10 years, hip replacement surgery and knee replacement surgery were a piece of cake for mom.
I also lost an employee two years ago to alcoholism. Only he left three kids behind under the age of 12. His body was so ravaged by his alcoholism, that a simple car accident killed him. An accident that would cause a healthy person to take Tylenol for 2-3 days. It killed him. He had been in and out of the hospital several times for organ failure.
I could go on and describe more people lost to alcoholism. Growing up in bars as a kid, I didn’t know any better. Everyone drank back then. The ceiling a cloud of cigarette smoke. Now, I can look back on that from my middle age and realize how much of that was alcoholism. So many of stepdad’s friends and family lost to diseases caused by alcohol. Early too. 55, 60 years old. Lifetime of a cigarette in the left hand and a glass of whiskey in the right hand. That’s the way it was growing up. I don’t smoke and I don’t drink.
Ok, so I’ve gone on and on rambling here from a tree stand in the woods waiting for a dumb deer to walk by. But talking to people on the Internet about living with an alcoholic parent helps. I can hope my experience and my mom’s experience can prevent others from going through it. Either by confronting their spouse or parent and them getting help to get sober. Or worst case, the spouse looks at a bleak future and realizes they don’t want the life of a person trapped with a spouse controlled by the bottle. If just one person listens and seeks help to get sober, it’s all worth it. I have zero issues with social drinking. But when it crosses into an addiction, that’s when tough decisions need to be made.
Legally, you have been married for a short time and can seek an annulment instead of a divorce. But you would need to seek legal counsel to advise you in regards to your specific country or state laws. I don’t envy you. You have some really dep thinking to do and some tough decisions to make. I wish you the best in whatever direction you choose.
but you *don’t* trust him. you tell him that and he says it’s your problem. everyone else here is right and he’s an alcoholic and he is NOT going to stop. he is afraid of being his father but it sounds like he already is. the fact that he made this about you and went straight to “i won’t drink at all” is not actually solving the problem and makes you distrust him more. i for sure do. i also distrust his family for not warning you at all about this.