Boyfriend says it’s unfair to him if he doesn’t sleep around when I’m out of town

Basically the title. I’ve speed dated him for a month. He brought up he’d want to sleep around when I’m out of town for a month because he doesn’t want to “virginise” himself. I said I’m not ok with it and he says “ok I won’t do it then because I don’t want us to break things off due to this- but this is unfair.” His reasoning is biologically men want to sleep around.

My gut says that I don’t feel safe with him and don’t trust him 100% no matter how many times he says he won’t do it.

Should I go to therapy and be ok with it or should I break it off from him ?

Edit: thanks everyone for the input. I speed dumped him. I think I need to work on my self esteem. Shouldn’t need to even ask this question.

Edit: if he is a millionaire, is it still ok for him to sleep around ? That’s an addition to the justification he gave

Edit: I can’t sleep around because as a women my BC matters

44 comments

  1. Jesus christ, don’t waste your time on guys like this. Absolutely move on. Doesn’t matter if he says he won’t do it. Relationship should just be tossed.

  2. No one in their right mind would be okay with that. Your best bet here is to listen to your gut and stay away from this guy.

  6. He thinks a month will “virginize” himself (whatever that means)? 😂😂 Jesus. I feel sorry for the lady that ends up married to this dude.

  7. Best advice I can give you is that you’re young and you need to learn right now that the gut of yours should be trusted. That feeling you have deep down right now. Listen to it. Do NOT waste your time to try to learn how to be ok with something like this. You deserve better

  9. As someone who believes poly relationships can be a great thing for some people, every word he said is complete bullshit.

    First, you can’t virginise yourself because you can’t retroactively never had sex before after having sex. Writing that out gave me a headache.

    Second, men aren’t inherently hardwired to need sex all the time, though some people of every gender have inordinately high libidos, some including many men have unusually low or nonexistent libidos. That biological need for regular pussy is pick up artist nonsense and anyone peddling that needs to be thrown out faster than that month old milk you really shouldn’t have left in your fridge. Men don’t want to sleep around, he wants to sleep around.

    There are healthy ways to go about a poly relationship, but they require both people be very enthusiastic about it, and something tells me he won’t be comfortable with you sleeping with other men. Biology or some nonsense. And trying to guilt trip your partner about how unfair it is isn’t the healthy way to do it by a long shot.

    His actions have broken your ability to trust him, and I’m confident he will just cheat if he hasn’t already, and you’re barely 30 days in. Just break it off, this isn’t something you need to get comfortable with.

    One final thing: he’s not the one experiencing unfairness, you are because you expected a monogamous relationship and he’s guilt tripping you over it!

  10. Tell him “Yeah, you can sleep around while I am gone. I will sleep around while I am gone too. Because we’re broken up now.”

  11. What?! What did I just read?

    Really, look at what you just wrote. This is a disaster waiting to take over your life. Run and don’t look back at his train wreck.

  13. I’d find a real bf because this one isn’t it.

    I agree with you 💯 and your bf must not be very bright if he really believes what he says to you. Sheesh! ❤️

  14. Just break it off. There’s plenty of men without the “biological need to sleep around”

  15. I’ve literally never said this to another human being, but dump him. Right now. He is not worth any more of your very limited time on this planet.

  17. Walk away girl!
    He’s literally setting up his defense for cheating already.

    You’ll get back from your trip and be like “well i told you it was unfair and you forced me to cheat because you didn’t give me permission “.

  18. You know the right answer.

    If you don’t, it’s time to stop dating and work on yourself. Seriously.

  19. Break it off. He literally told you that he wants to cheat on you while you are out of town

    Edit: it’s only been a month and he is already showing red flags

  20. You’ve speed dated for a month, but has there been a conversation about exclusivity?

  22. I’d like to hit that guy in the head with a rolling pin. Or a frying pan.

    He’s a real shit.

  25. Girl. I’m telling you as someone married for 20 years that life happens and sometimes sex is off the table for a while. Illness, grief, travel, stress, pregnancy, kids, tiredness, study etc can all impact sexy time. A month is nothing. You’ve only been dating 4 weeks. Men can and do go without sex. The bar this guy is setting is so low it’s a trip hazard in hell. Time to bounce before you invest any more time on this loser.

  26. Men do not have this “biological” urge to sleep around, it’s just his personal inability to be faithful and commit to you. It’s been a month and he’s already shown you his true colors, just get out of the relationship now before he portrays worse behavior and comes up with asinine excuses. Believe people when they let you know who they are

  27. If you go to therapy, go there to figure out that it’s OK to have boundaries and stick to your values.

  28. Breaking things off with him is definitely the right call, but I think therapy still sounds like a good idea. The right therapist can help you have more confidence in your gut the next time you’re faced with red flags 🙂

  31. Y’all have only been a couple for a month?… Just let it and him go.

    Real question tho, why go exclusive after a month of dating, knowing you’re leaving for a month?

  32. Should you go to therapy?

    No.

    You should dump this guy immediately, save your therapy money.

  36. Do you hear yourself? You just said your gut feeling is you don’t feel safe with him or fully trust him. Have you heard of Pavlov’s hierarchy of needs? This shit applies to relationships—safety & security, trust, etc. are the bases for a relationship. This guy can’t even give you that. What’s therapy going to do, somehow make him faithful to you? Do better and have better standards with guys

  37. Don’t waste your time on guys like this. If women dumped every man who acted like this, as *soon* as they started acting like this, every single time… they would stop doing it, eventually. Because we’d be sending the message that it’s unacceptable. We gotta stop tolerating this shit.

  40. I had no idea that I was virginizing myself when I was faithful to my wife during her trips without me. I would like for you to thank your ex for expanding my medical knowledge, but I don’t think that you are going to have that long a conversation with him. I’m pretty sure that therapy is not going to help you get through this thought process. At least he showed his true colors before you wasted any more time. This guy is one in a million, which is a very fortunate thing for the rest of humanity.

  41. One month in and you think you need therapy to help you accept his bullshit? Lady you need therapy to deal with your low self esteem.

  42. You should trust your gut. He’s a walking red flag.

    Good thing he told you this early on…saving you a ton of time.

  43. It’s been a month. You’ve come to an impasse already. It’s a doozy. You don’t need therapy to – to learn to be okay with your boyfriends sleeping around mentality. Just accept that you two fundamentally don’t agree on what it means to be away for a spot of time in a relationship. He’s expressed that he will resent your request not to cheat on you should you be unavailable to meet his sexual needs, that you are unfair. This is not healthy for you, you are stressed and hurt, you think you need therapy to be okay with his resentment. Just break up. That’s an option too. One of you will resent the other, and only one month in, accept the incompatibility and keep looking.

  44. >“ok I won’t do it then because I don’t want us to break things off due to this- but this is unfair.

    So on the one hand yes, it is likely he will cheat. And by framing it this way he sets the precedent that you tacitly agree with what he is saying, that his desire to cheat is biological and thus it is outside his control. After all, if it is unfair for him not to cheat then him succumbing to it is not his fault, right?

    And besides, you don’t want him to… virginise himself…? Wait, why isn’t that enough for you to end it in and of itself, I don’t think I could ever pretend to respect someone saying something so embarrassing.

    The problem goes deeper though. Let’s say he doesn’t cheat [or he does it in a way you never discover]. He has established it is unfair, that means you come back from your trip with basically a permanent slight committed against him. He will throw it in your face anytime he needs to, anytime he wants something, anytime you push back at all. He will just say that hey, he held off cheating so you can… I dunno, do anal or whatever thing you don’t want to do. He will use it to coerce you into things. Or you agree to let him cheat and he learns he can do pretty much literally anything so long as he frames not being able to do it as unfair, etc.

    As noted he is embarrassing but also this is the classic foundation manipulators set. It is good you are reaching out here to ask for advice though I will be honest it is a real worry that you think you need to change yourself here. Why is it your first instinct isn’t to just toss him in the bin? Therapy might be helpful for that more than anything.

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