title says it. i was with my ex for almost 6 years & married for about 7 months. i should have never got married, i know, but my divorce was finalized during the summer. i met my current boyfriend before my divorce but we were never serious until after everything was finalized, we have been talking for about 8 months & technically dating for about 5 months now.
obviously there is a huge age gap between my ex & i (one of the many reasons the relationship didn’t work) but my parents normally got along with him because he was close to their age. they went to many football games together while we were still together & my mom told me she invited him & his best friend to one last night. she told me she would not bring me up at all & if he tried to bring me up, she would not allow it. so i really didn’t find it *too* concerning.
my boyfriend wanted to facetime my mom to see what they were doing & i told him truthfully that that’s not a good idea because my ex is there. to my surprise, he completely flipped the script & got mad at me for it. i told him
i have no control over what they decide to do but reassured him there would be no conversation of me or him & also told him
that i have absolutely no communication with my ex whatsoever. he told me he’s extremely unhappy with the situation & thought so highly of this relationship until now. i couldn’t understand why so i kept asking him what i did wrong. he kept saying that *i* didn’t do anything wrong but if the roles were reversed, id feel the same way.
after awhile of back & forth, he told me he’s considering breaking up with me over this. i cried & asked why would he do that when it has nothing to do with me? he just kept saying he has a right to be unhappy right now & i validated his feelings many times & never dismissed them because his feelings are valid all the time, as are mine. he then tells me he doesn’t think he wants to break up but does want to take a step back because we are moving too fast. i asked what he means by this & he said that he always had concerns since we started talking that i would go back to my ex & “here we are”. i told him i have zero interest going back to him & have not even seen him, let alone talked to him, since the divorce & even before, all communication with him was about the divorce. he said he still wants to talk to me & hang out here & there. but i told him i have too many feelings involved with him at this point to just hang out casually when we spend everyday together now & have talked about moving in together, having children, etc etc. he told me he no longer wants anything serious with me & i just broke down crying because i feel like i’ve just wasted my time.
i’ve constantly tried to reassure him
i don’t talk to my ex, i apologized on my parents behalf & told him id be having a serious talk with them today. it almost seems like he was looking for a reason to step away from me & this was a good one.
do you think his reaction is justified or does it seem like he is overreacting? i’m just so lost right now.
tl;dr – my boyfriend is considering breaking up with me because my parents invited my ex & his friend to a football game with them last night. he still believes i stay in contact with my ex (i don’t) & says he wants nothing serious with me anymore.
ETA: guys, i know the age gap is weird. i see that now, hence the divorce. i was blinded before & thought nothing wrong of it. my parents didn’t want me to marry this guy but didn’t interfere because i am an adult. yes, im in therapy. i talked with my parents just now & told them how i felt & they understand & said it won’t happen again. this does not fix the issue with my current boyfriend. please stop telling me how gross the age gap is, ive been told plenty of times & im well aware at this point, the relationship was inappropriate.
also seems to be some confusion about the game. i was not there. i was at home with my boyfriend. my parents had 4 tickets & invited my ex & his best friend. they tailgated together & watched the game together. i was not there & did not see my ex
another ETA: when i say “my parents”, im referring to my mom & stepdad. my real dad has not been in the picture for several years due to both our wishes of not wanting to contact each other.
i had another conversation with my parents to make sure we were all on the same page. i told them it was very inappropriate to invite him to the game with them & it affected my current relationship & will affect all my other ones moving forward. they both agreed with me & were very understanding. they apologized profusely & told me there would 100% be no more contact. & to clarify, i see a lot of comments suggesting that they have frequently hung out/talked since my divorce which is not true. this is the first time they have communicated with him since the divorce, they are closer with his best friend than him. so they invited his friend & told him that my ex could tag along as well. they made no excuses for their actions & owned up to it pretty well. my parents are not bad people & would do anything to help me & support me. there’s a lot that went on behind the scenes of my marriage that my parents didn’t know about & i aired it all out for them today. we all cried but they admitted they felt guilty because they had no idea what id been through with him. they acknowledged their wrongdoing in this & i appreciate them both for that & agreeing to never contact this man again. & also, he does not randomly show up to their house to hang out. they do not talk out of the blue. they didn’t even ride together to the game- not making excuse, just clarifying some repeat comments.
also for everyone wondering why my bf wanted to facetime my parents, it’s because he likes my parents because they are really chill & social people. yes, he has met them.
29 comments
How long have you been divorced?? Pertinent question. And do they like your current guy? I would have a full convo with your parents, letting them know that it’s too soon and too destructive to your current relationship for your parents to be hugely friendly with your ex. Let some time pass by before so friendly with ex and also, for your boyfriend to accept this. He feels threatened. It is a bit odd for your parents to invite the ex but if he was a really great guy (and they feel like he treated you well), they may want to ease the hurt of the divorce. They knew him 6.5 years. Your boyfriend will come around with time. Many people run back to exes — clean breaks, done with them is best and because of your parents, that’s not happening. I have little tolerance for exes being in the picture too so I’m biased. I could see if you had kids together but that’s not the case. Sitting down to tell your parents it’s hurting your relationship may help. If they don’t understand, I’d back off from being around them and let your distance speak for itself.
Weird dynamic with your parents and your ex. Who would actually want to be part of that family dynamic? While it seems immature reading about his reaction, in real life he’s not wrong.
Sorry, your ex husband who started dating you when you were (maybe) 18 and he was 35? Why are your parents so comfortable with the ex who was inappropriately older than you? We’re they all friends before you and ex got together?
Generally I’m not going to endorse this type of insecurity. But there’s enough ickiness here with the age gap and the older man’s relationship with your parents that i think your bf has every right to find this weird.
Some people don’t want to be in relationships that have an ex hanging around. That is a fair and acceptable choice.
How many posts are on here because they’ve been together for years and are fed up of their partners ex being at family events/Christmas etc.
He’s just now realised that your ex is remaining in contact with your parents, and that’s not what he wants in a relationship. Or where he sees his future going.
Your parents have issues.
Your ex was creepily older than you.
You don’t see why your BF thinks this is weird.
Your parents are really obtuse if they think there’s no issues with them being best buds with your ex-husband, who in all likelihood groomed you if you were married at 18 to a 35yo. And if you dated for 7 months before marriage, were you even an adult when he went after you?
Actually, what the heck is wrong with your parents?
Your new BF saw a future of your ex-husband forever a part of his future, because of your parents, and he’s like “uh, well they say when you marry you marry their family too…not sure about this anymore.”
Your parents failed you, I’m sorry
I would agree that you didn’t do anything wrong, but from your BFs point of view a situation where your parents are besties with your ex can’t be a comfortable situation for him, and it does add risk of the two if you reconnecting thru your parents.
Bottom line is that you were groomed by the ex, and you may well still be vulnerable to him, Your parents may want the two of you back together. If I were the BF, this is not a situation were I would want to be emotionally attached.
If I was in my 30s/40s/50s and one of my peers was dating an 18 year old, I’d never speak to them again. And this peer was dating their fucking daughter. These parents are creeps.
It’s not you but your parents is the red flag..
Uff why are your parents friends with a groomer?
And yes your now boyfriend doesn’t seem so great too as it looks like he only searched for a reason to break up. Maybe stay alone for a while and go to Therapie because you have been groomed, your parents are friends with the guy and you jumped from one relationship in the next
Your parents are fucking gross.
I think you need to stop dating and maybe get yourself into therapy if you haven’t already.
I’m reading your comments and I don’t think you realize how toxic both of these relationships are and your relationship with your parents is.
They were totally OK with their 18-year-old child (yes, you were still a kid who prob just went to prom) getting with a 35-year-old man. This is not OK. This is not normal… There is no reason a 35-year-old grown man should be dating an 18-year-old.
Now you’re with a boyfriend that you acknowledge is an alcoholic.
You need to consider getting help for yourself if you think both of these “relationships” are/were healthy…bc they are not.
I find it appalling that your parents are friends with the man that groomed you when you were barely an adult. I am sorry you were never given a proper support net and your parents allowed you to be abused.
Your parents are actually monsters if they are cool with that disgusting creep.
Your boyfriend should be more concerned about your wellbeing than just “being around your ex”. I’m sorry. You really don’t seem like you have anyone looking out for you.
I mean I can see him being a bit insecure about this as your parents are still hanging out with a guy who groomed you. It’s pretty gross honestly.
This whole situation is fucked. I cut off one of my friends for talking to an 18 YO highschool student because that’s weird af and I’m only 26.
Everyone in this situation is weird and the bf is just caught in the middle of it. He has every right to be weirded out and dip. Your ex husband who you started dating at 18 and is 17 years older than you is still in buddy buddy with your parents and they all regularly attends events?? Given the situation I’m surprised you expected him to stay honestly
Your parents are also weird for staying in contact with that man
This is what happens when you marry someone your parents’ age: he becomes friend with your parents, instead of you.
Very bold and disgusting move on your parent’s part to invite the man who quite literally groomed you. Must’ve been a shell shock thing for your boyfriend. You yourself don’t seem to be healed yet.
Maybe you just need to be alone for a while. You have been through a marriage and divorce and met the new man before the divorce was final. You are extremely young to have so much life experience under your belt. You new BF has some insecurities he needs to work on. You have no control over your parents…but seriously WTF were they thinking when he married you and inviting him to games n stuff?
Your parents are insane. Your ex is a creep and the new bf is an alcoholic. God help you child.
The age gap thing I keep running into on this subreddit is just gross. You have a lot of baggage for a 24 year old and kind of feel bad that your now age-appropriate partner has to deal with it.
I don’t blame him if he left. It’s better to be alone than killing yourself trying to fix someone else’s trauma and BS.
The only acceptable situation to have an ex meet up with your parents is if you have kids.
This situation is weird on so many levels, you were groomed, your parents were okay with it, your parents didn’t stop it from happening, your parents don’t think the ex did anything wrong as they still see him.
You BF is right and this whole situation is weird and he will not tolerate it for long.
Your parents fucking failed you. They should have been against the relationship and marriage to that older groomer from the start. I’m so sorry. You need to get into therapy ASAP. You should be against your parents relationship with your ex too.
I’m been noticing a lot of very questionable age gaps posted lately.
It’s unsettling.
The presentation may not be ideal but the feelings are legitimate.
You need to speak with your parents and tell them this is not acceptable. I also see you in comments and your edit sort of hand waving the age gap like “yeah guys I KNOW,” but I don’t think you and especially your parents know enough. I was once married to someone 18 years older than me, so I know this particular form of hand waving intimately, but man…it is serious. It’s predatory. I know you got divorced (excellent!) and I’m sure you want to put it behind you, but your parents are keeping it alive and present in your life. You mention that they’re closer in age and that’s why they like to hang out…YEAH. THE PROXIMITY IN AGE IS THE F’ING PROBLEM. Why are they hanging out with a grown man who wanted to f*** their child?
Again, I get it, and it takes a lot of processing, but regardless of what happens with this current boyfriend, you need to get your parents to knock it off.
If I was your boyfriend I’d be out also. No way I’m dealing with my girlfriend’s ex being considered almost a member of the family.
WOOOAH WOOOOAH WOOOOOAH WOOOOAH Ops boyfriend if you’re reading this GET OUTTA THERE
I dont think you can fix this. Your partner doesnt want to be in a committed relationship with you anymore and he felt like you guys moved to quickly, which might be the case if you’ve been dating for five months only. The guy also has a drinking problem and you’ve posted about him going on benders previously. If he doesnt want a committed relationship with you, he doesnt. You cant force him to be with you if he doesnt want to. Maybe take a step back, slow down, and have a proper look at what this relationship is and who he is as a partner as well?
I will say that I hope your parents stops hanging out with your ex. I think it would give most people you were to date pause that your creepy ex still hangs around because your parents spend time with him.