Conquering the Blank Mind: How I Always Have Something to Say

It has probably happened to most of us many times in our lives: we are conversing with somebody and our mind has nothing else to add to the conversation. **It’s completely blank.**

This used to happen to me all the time, and it made conversations felt heavy, uncomfortable and/or boring. Social gatherings felt grueling, because I lacked the courage to approach someone, and even if I mustered the nerve, I’d end up finding myself at a loss for words, which would discourage me even more from approaching others.

It took me many years to overcome that struggle. And, along the way, I made several missteps.

# Trying to look “cool”

I remember always myself overthinking, before or during conversations. Paying too much attention to what I was going to say or ask. For example, if something interesting had recently occurred in my life, I felt equipped for the next conversation as I would *finally* have something to share. This could be anything. And I would be more eager to share it if it painted a flattering or “cool” picture of myself, for example me being funny or smart or having a life. However, problem was that after sharing that single thing and exhausting the topic, I was back again at square one, having nothing else to talk about.

You’ve probably already spotted some issues in that think pattern, and why it’s a flawed approach. Let’s delve deeper.

I would also think of “interesting” questions (if you are learning social skills, you might have read or heard a bunch of them). And I would ask those questions thinking that the person would be amused by them and that I, again, would in their eyes, look smart, interesting or “cool”.

Many times, those questions had small or no impact on the other person. They would give me short or uninteresting answers. And, even worse, sometimes after asking a few of them, one after the other, I would be tagged as the “questions guy”.

I was merely parroting things I saw online or in books hoping to have an effect on others. And although occasionally they “worked”, I wouldn’t feel good with myself. I felt so robotic and inauthentic. Myself wasn’t in what I was expressing and sharing.

Let’s point out some of the pitfalls in this approach:

* Trying to impress others.
* Relying on planned conversational topics.
* Feeling like I always needed to say something interesting.
* Paying too much attention to what others think of me, and trying to convey a certain ideal of a “cool” person.

# How I unlocked my mind

You probably have or had people in your life with whom conversation flows naturally and you don’t experience these issues. With them you always have things to talk about or if there’s a lull in the conversation, you don’t care if your mind is “blank”.

If you have or had those people in your life. What was different?

You probably feel comfortable in each others’ company. There’s no underlying anxiety or a perpetual need for validation. You can be *you*, feel more like your authentic self, be silly and funny, and talk about simple stuff.

If you’ve had such experiences, you know your mind is capable of this ease. The obstacle is the subconscious filter we apply when seeking validation, resulting in the dreaded *blank mind*.

To dismantle this filter, you need to confront the insecurities and fears that created it. As you face and overcome these inner challenges, your mind will gradually free itself. There’s no magic pill for this. Freeing your mind is a struggle, but the reward is immense.

All your relationships will benefit. You’ll improve the way you relate with your family, friends, partner, coworkers, etc, and most importantly the way you relate with yourself. With each step, you’ll become increasingly emboldened and self-assured, and discover more who you really are.

# This is all great, but who has time for that? Shortcut, please!

Unlocking your mind is a lifelong journey, but what if we just want to remove the blocks in our mind just to be better conversationalists and always have things to say?

I mentor people on this, and what I found works best is hands-on practice. I apply a method of repetition and continuos feedback that you can do yourself.

For instance, I would ask the person 10 times in a row “What do you do?” and I would expect 10 different answers. Why? Because I want them to break out of their thought patterns. Push them out of their comfort zones, encouraging creativity and authenticity.

Maybe the first 2 or 3 answers they give me will be things they would normally say or have said before, but after that they will need to start improvising. And in improvising, your real self starts to come out. By practicing like this, you start to losen up and realize that your mind is capable of more than you thought.

Of course, it starts slow, and when I begin to practice with people their mind goes blank really fast, and I would have to guide them, but, not long after, they get it and become much quicker, funnier and creative conversationalists.

When you become confident that you can always improvise, talk non-stop about anything, jump to new subjects, be fun, entertaining, you’ll realize that is not about always having things to say, but it’s about having the confidence that you’ll always be able to come up with something.

The confidence will come from the practice. Your mind will be at ease because you will be able to tell yourself: “I’ve been here before”, “I’ve done this many times”. The anxiousness will go away, the filter will greatly diminish, and even if your mind goes blank at any time, you won’t care, you’ll be fine.

# How can you practice this?

Many people practice with others in real life. I did that in the past, and it can be really heart breaking. We don’t like using others as practice and running around making people uncomfortable. It makes us feel even worse.

My advice, if you’re keen on honing your conversational skills, is to pair up with someone who shares this goal and practice with them. Commit to regular, structured practice sessions.

Unlike many skills, learning conversation doesn’t take years. With dedication, marked improvement can be seen in weeks or even days.

Feedback is crucial. Your practice partner should be candid, highlighting both strengths and areas for improvement. It’s important to not only learn what you can improve, but also what you are already doing right. Having feedback will start to build your confidence as you won’t be guessing anymore. The more you practice, the more fun it becomes. As you grow more relaxed and genuine, interactions become increasingly enjoyable.