TLDR: title + my introvert wife recently discovered her romantic interest in other people outside of our marriage and I am not sure about what to do right now.
Question/Request:
I am not sure what is the best thing I can do at the moment. I see basically 3 options and I am not sure about them. I still love her and want to live with her, however I have to make a decision:
1. Go to therapy with her(about our relationship, her grieve,…) and maintain the relationship and forgive her.
2. Enter an open relationship and learn to live with it.
3. End the marriage
Am I missing another “solution”, am I overreacting right now, given the whole situation or is an end to it the proper response?
Current situation:
We are together for almost 8 years and married for 4 years now and so far we had a normal loving relationship and a good and open communication about our feelings and beliefs,etc.
Anyways, the last year brought a change where she wanted to go back to a 100% remote university to graduate from another scientific field. I did something similar myself 2 years ago to push my career in another area and supported her in all ways possible. However, she kept her normal 9-5 job(not talking about overtime and stuff, but like 90% remote) and attempted to do her university stuff also in a full time manner. This is not a problem for me, but she has troubles with her time management and faces a lot of stress. This constrained the time our relationship got and also influenced her daily structure and sleep schedule heavily.
On top of that, she is rather shy and introvert and has problems making friends. So recently she made new friends at university and I was really happy for her.
Fast forward to early October, a new semester at university started and she began seeing her colleagues and friends there again. In the same time she faced high pressure at her job, she wanted to change it and came back to her former employer after a month being somewhere else. Also one of her parents was diagnosed with a severe type of cancer and they live in another country far away, so being there for them is not possible. She just reached a total low in her life.
Normally, we talk about our friends and what we are doing, but not in detail. She tried not to mention anything about some friends she was seeing and got stuck in little lies. Nothing special, but after 8 years I know her enough to detect the small things. There were like 2 or 3 occasions were she met someone and was a little sneaky about it. But telling me some of the details, like to what places she went and what she talked about, but nothing about the person.
After 2 weeks this guy left the city and I confronted her about the whole situation and she admitted that her connection to him was not just platonic and that she thought about being friends with benefits with him, but after telling him about me nothing more happened. She claimed that she wanted to talk to me about it, but I was just faster.
Now that the person is gone, she is thinking about “replacing” him and wants to actively search someone for a friendship with benefits. Alongside searching platonic friends via a dating app(bumble or something) . She has honestly thought that I would be okay with this and offered me that I could do the same and wants to remain our relationship as if nothing changed. The critical point is that she sees me as “a deeply connected soulmate” and sex between us is not that important anymore for her. She claimed that her sex drive is just low and she sleeps with me because I like it and not because she wants it and that it won’t happen regularly with anyone else bec she does not like it that much.
At the moment I am just deeply confused. I love her with all my heart and as I believe that she still loves me, I want to work on our relationship, I want to go to a therapist with her and I am actively seeing a psychologist to work on my feelings about this. But I am rather sure that I cannot enter an open relationship, the idea alone is making me jealous and I hate myself for it. I do not see how this could work. Furthermore, I cannot comprehend how she went from being full introverted to actively seeking an open relationship within days. I hope it’s just a phase of hers and that I will go by with all the stress and grieve that she is currently faced with. The possibility to seek someone else while maintaining our relationship does not appeal to me, why not just get a divorce and actively seek something serious? I think an open relationship has already a higher risk of failure and I am concerned that this topic will come back in some years if I manage to handle it now.
29 comments
Either go to therapy and unpack why she thought you’d “just be okay” with her pursuing other people (or what she thinks you’re supposed to do with the news she no longer wants sex), or end it. Making yourself miserable because you’re pretty sure she’s determined to pursue this with or without you may technically be an option, but it’s not a good one. But between her actions and justifications, and the fact you feel like you have to keep her seeing other people on the table despite emphatically not wanting that, I’m afraid the odds of this working out aren’t good no matter what you do. If you do end up trying therapy first, be open to using it to figure out how to ease the breakup process.
You should tell her that you can not stay in open relationship as this is not what you want in life.
Therapy is fine and all, but she needs find more time to spend on you. The catalyst to this issue is her being stressed and not having time for your relationship. She will need to give up on something to make space for your relationship to recover.
To make it clear how serious this issue is, you should tell your wife you are also considering divorce, since it is clear she wants sth else from life than you do.
Frankly, divorce is probably the best choice to make. There are many problems ahead of you. For example: do you think you will enjoy having sex with her, knowing that she does not enjoy it and only does it for you?
She is taking you for a ride. Noone who “Doesnt even like sex that much” is looking for a FWB setup. She is asking your permission to cheat on you, basically opening your marriage. If this is not something you are open to, you need to state that and if she still insists (Or again tries to go around you and do it anyways) then your marriage is over.
Divorce.
End the marriage, she lost interest in you.
It’s time to go scorched earth. She’s actively cheating on you as we speak and has zero respect or desire for you. Get brutal
When it’s “my spouse is thinking…” and not “we as a couple are thinking….” it’s bad news.
She cheated on you. I feel like you’re trying to ignore that fact. Maybe physically, maybe not; you’ll never know the whole truth.
The point is, an open relationship can only be entered into with an enthusiastic yes. You are not enthusiastic. Do not, under any circumstances, agree. I’m serious, it will only drag this mess out instead of resolving anything.
If you want to try to fix things with her, well, I don’t know if that’s possible after explaining that her sex drive is low with YOU, but wants to fuck other people. Spoiler: people don’t cheat on their soulmates. Nor is cheating “a phase”.
At least speak with a lawyer, and figure out all your options
Don’t hate yourself, try to go to therapy and continue what you are doing if she doesn’t want to go to therapy, unfortunately I don’t see a way out in which your relationship will endure.
Opening the relationship is a NO, just read other stories in which a couple was pressured to open the relationship by the other to realize that this quickly explodes and ends the relationship.
I understand that she is very hurt but she is actively sabotaging the relationship and you don’t have to put up with that no matter how much you love her since the love you feel can also come to an end.
Its over. Best thing you can do is pretend she died and your love for her died with her and divorce and move on. The woman you married is dead and gone. The woman that you will divorce is not the same so why treat her the same?
‘My sex drive is low but I want to sleep with other people’. What?? Bud, her sex drive is not low. It’s just low for you. Her explanations make zero sense. ‘Deeply connected soulmate’ is a euphemism for ‘best buds who have known each other a long time.’ It honestly doesn’t sound like she sees you as a romantic partner anymore but still has codependency on you due to shared experiences. You can attempt 1 but her heart has to be open to change and it currently is not. 2 is a disaster. She will always prioritize another partner over you. It’s going to be VERY hard to avoid 3.
I’d make it clear we’re going to therapy and staying monogamous or were divorcing. It seems like your marriage is already over if she wants a FWB. Sorry OP.
You’re overthinking
99/99 times the person asking for an open relationship is either already cheating on you or wants to but feels ‘guilty’ so they ask to open things up…but make no mistake, there’s someone specific she’s thinking of (and you probably know him)
See if you can get into couples therapy because otherwise this marriage is over
This sucks for you. I am sorry.
You are not a good candidate for an open marriage (they do work for some, but nobody who has ‘tried to live with it’ has had a good experience.)
Counseling will *only* help if you are open to hearing details about the ways you fall short of your wife’s needs, sexually and able to find on ways to make the sex you have good for her.
At some point, she has decided she can’t tell you what she likes, either because you don’t hear when she tries, or they are just anatomical so she doesn’t see the point.
It’s heart breaking for you to be in this situation, and if you want to be mad at her and divorce, you will get lots of validation on this subreddit.
But at the end of the day your wife has decided she needs better sex than what she thinks you can give her. Your slim chance to save your marriage is to prove her wrong, which will require a great counselor, and a very thick skin on your part.
But again, nobody would blame you for just dumping her.
Sounds like your wife at least emotionally cheated, but I doubt it stopped there. Remember, you caught her. She didn’t come tell you about any of it of her own volition. There’s no way to trust what she tells you because if she cared about you knowing the truth and had no selfish motives she wouldn’t have needed to get caught in the first place.
And look, for what it’s worth I sincerely doubt that she believed you’d be completely cool with it in the first place. By saying that she expected you would be she’s subtly planting the suggestion that you should be okay with your wife cheating on you, but she’s not dumb enough to genuinely believe that.
>3. End the marriage Am I missing another “solution”, am I overreacting right now, given the whole situation or is an end to it the proper response?
Now that the person is gone, she is thinking about “replacing” him and wants to actively search someone for a friendship with benefits.
Go with option 3, OP
It’s over , anyone who wants an open relationship is already screwing someone and doesn’t want to hide so they can go out to dinners etc , or she has someone or people she wants to screw and doesn’t think you will find anyone .
Anyone who loves their husband or boyfriend does not want the sleeping wirh others .
Here is we’re you are screwed, if younsay no if she is cheating it won’t stop if she just wants to screw someone or multiple people then she will do it behind you back .
I’m sorry buts it’s over even if she cries and says itnwas onlynandiscussion it isn’t . It’s over
She most likely has cheated or wants permission to cheat. Divorce her and let her go I think you are only a meal ticket for her.
> she thought about being friends with benefits with him, but after telling him about me nothing more happened
OK, so she *tried* to cheat on you, but it didn’t work out because the guy has morals.
Next time she won’t tell the guy about you. Or she’ll tell the guy that you have an open relationship.
If she’s bringing up open relationships *now* having already tried to cheat on you previously, I’d say the odds are near 100% that she has someone specific in mind, very high that she’ll sleep with him whatever you say, and pretty high that she already is.
Oh, and odds are she only means open for her. If you find someone to have sex with, she’ll flip her shit.
Your marriage is over she’s already cheated She’s hoping for forgiveness by letting you fuck other women. No kids? Good. Kick that liar to the curb and ruin her career.
The moment the other person in the relationship asks to open it is the moment the relationship ends.
I would end the marriage and start the moving on process. I wouldn’t want to be strung along in that mess. If she wants to explore things, she can but I wouldn’t be a part of it
OP you are not ready for these lifestyle changes. divorce will be the best way to end things amicable. she calls you her soulmate to keep you believing there is more. but she cannot gaurntee it. she can’t even hider her little flings aka affairs. she wants her cake and eat it too. she wants you to financially support her so she can live a free life off of your back op. nothing in your story indicates she loves you other than stringing you onto believe she still loves you with words. nothing about what you shared is a gesture out of happiness to share a moment with you.
If you have no kids and major assets, nope out, not worth the effort. Or present her with a post nuptial agreement with a strong infidelity clause or divorce papers and go to therapy.
Ok, if she has brought up opening the marriage. You have already been in an open marriage and you are just finding out about it. She has cheated on you!!! She knows it is you love her and you are not interested in meeting other women. So she for her, she gets to go sleep around with other guys while you are home miserable. If you have even a shred of self respect do not agree to this. As a matter of fact, you need to contact a lawyer today and find out what the damage will be in a divorce. Have them start the separation paperwork.
If you tell her no, she will continue to cheat behind your back. If you agree, your wife will be getting her back blown out and telling you all about it. Also, if she gets pregnant, you get to raise another man child. The only option you have, is divorce. Only left for you to do and rip the bandages off and deal with the situation
I’m telling you now leave her this will not end well
Lol she is already cheating on you. Gather evidence and divorce her immediately.
Also, she wants a FWB but has a low libido. If you are honest with yourself, that makes zero sense. She doesn’t have a low libido. She has a low libido when it comes to having sex with you.
Your wife is a genuine cunt.
She cheated on you, liked it, and now wants permission to keep doing it. Come on man.