I need advice on my situation with my partner and I. Not married yet, although he wants to be. But i’m seeing some serious money red flags.
So to keep this as brief as possible: I am an American Girl, From the US but live in Mexico City. Were both mid 20’s. My partner was born and raised here. I earn money in US dollars, he earns money in pesos. I work full time and then some, because i’m a business owner. He works ~12 Hours a week as a special educator. I basically earn 9x the amount that he does.
Literally since our very first date, I had found myself footing the bill for 90% of things. If we’re together and we’re getting something to eat, I pay. If we need to take an Uber, I pay. I was living with my parents in the north of the country, and if he wanted to see me, I bought him coach bus tickets to come see me. Over the course of our relationship, I feel like i’ve spent several thousand dollars on him, which honestly, i’ve never counted. It’s just that It’s very much been me supporting him as opposed to the converse, and I honestly can’t say i’ve been in a position to support another person in the first place.
For a while, I haven’t really given too much thought to this because we have entirely different situations. I gain money and dollars, and so mathematically I will always have a little bit more money than him once you make the conversion. But, lately, I’ve been thinking differently about it.
First of all, I want him to be able to demonstrate that he carry his own weight financially, as opposed to being an expense. Second, I wanted to demonstrate that he has the work-ethic and is a problemsolver.
I have finally gotten to the point where I can now rent my own apartment and have my own space. He lives at home still. I told him that he is more than welcome to come whenever he wants whatever day he wants: The only thing I ask is that he splits the cost of the groceries he consumes whenever he’s here in the house. He said that’s fine.
Today he said he wants to come over in 2 days. I said, that’s fine period make sure you bring money for groceries. He paused and was silent for 5 seconds, and asked, “well, what happens if I don’t have the money for groceries?” I said, “Well, maybe you’ll need to pack food to bring with you.”
He said that offended him because he felt like I was giving him an ultimatum.
Give it to me straight. I can take it. Am I in the wrong here? Am I being petty?
37 comments
He’s 25 and only works 12 hours a week? Must be nice to still live with Mommy. Does she breastfeed him still, too?
No, you are not wrong here.
You are at the age where perhaps you are assessing his potential as a long-term partner or spouse. It is reasonable for you to want to be with someone who is financially independent before making such a commitment.
It’s understandable that someone might have a short-term financial gap, but since he has been like this through the entirety of your relationship, it is doubtful that he is anywhere close to being an equal partner.
At 28, he seems to not even be able to pay for his own food? OP, I think you need to cut your losses and cut off the gravy train.
You’re like a literal meal ticket for him haha
I would be embarrassed if i would have to rely so much on my partner financially.
And it seems like he is more than content with it. Like does he even have some plan of earning more money?
I personally could never, if i would only work 12 hours and make so much less. I would immediately start searching for a better job so i wouldn’t be leaching off of my partner.
Make sure you aren’t being taken advantage of any longer
> First of all, I want him to be able to demonstrate that he carry his own weight financially, as opposed to being an expense. Second, I wanted to demonstrate that he has the work-ethic and is a problemsolver.
You are 1000% right to want this and I think you absolutely *need* this from him.
If there’s any feedback I’d give you, it’s maybe you went too sassy with that comment about packing food. That’s not even to say you were wrong for it. But when he asks what happens if he has no money, that might be the time where you sit him down and have a real conversation about how he envisions contributing to the relationship.
You can’t baby him, but also you don’t want to waste any of your own time either. You should be cutting to the chase and finding out if he’s really going to be worth all this or not. So I think you making that petty comment just ends up wasting your own time a little bit (especially now that he wants to argue about it).
The fact that he raised the hypothetical, “Well, what if I don’t…?”, he’s using you.
You are not being petty. Don’t even think of entertaining that idea from.
This guy is taking you for a ride. Not only should he never come over again, but what the hell are you doing considering marrying him? He works 12 hours a week? Come on, surely you can’t be that blinded by love
You make all the money in the relationship and work far more and far harder and you have to foot the bill? Shocker, forget about kindness and love relationships should be about what the other person provides…
I’m not going to say you’re wrong in this situation. But I’m going to caution you that you want something that he’s not providing or not going to provide to you, which is a partner who can go at least up to 50-50 and not an added expense.
From day 1, you have set the tone with this man (how long have you dated?) that you’re fine picking up the tab. So basically, sorry to say, you’re kind of the ‘sugar mama’ in the relationship. He has come to expect this so of course he’s going to get mad at you for expecting him to kind of step up and pay for anything, even 50% of grocery or food he eats. He expects YOU to pay for things for him and it’s been like this as long as you’ve dated.
Of course he wants to marry you, my ex is the same way (but he’s older than me) when I was in my early to mid 20s. He’s fine in getting engaged to me because I paid for everything lol. I was his ‘sugar mama’ although I was younger by 4 years. Anyway, what I’m saying is, I get what you want, he just can’t provide that for you. He likes being taken care financially by you.
You’re not giving him any ultimatum, you’re just telling him, you’re setting a standard, but he’s not willing to meet up to that standard, so it’s up to you now. If you’re fine paying his way (or having him as an extra expense in your life), you should keep dating him. Otherwise, maybe you want to consider dating other people who can step up and at least go 50-50 with you (it seems to me you’re not even expecting 50-50 in your story thou, so yeah, at the very least, he needs to show some motivation in his life, and this is not the guy).
You’re not being petty and you should not marry anyone who can’t afford financially to live without you.
You’re not his mom. Why are you expected to feed him? He needs to eat before coming over. He can’t find a second job? Because you are now his sugar mama
Is there not work available due to the local economy? Otherwise why is he only working 12 hours a week? What adult only works 12 hours a week? The problem isn’t that you are getting paid in dollars and he is getting paid in pesos the problem is that he is not working enough.
Being broke is fine. Having no drive, less so.
Okay, you pay for the groceries this trip, no worries. Does he ever intend on paying for groceries? Paying for anything?
Obviously question, why is a grown adult working 12 hours a week?
I would normally side eye someone earning 9x their partner asking for grocery money, but he has a side gig at only 12 hours. Does he have plans for a full-time job in the future? Even then, you’ll likely be footing more of the bills as you’d be earning over twice of what he does. Assuming you don’t want a stayathome spouse, this will likely not be a good match if he keeps on working only part-time
All lasting relationships need communication, if you love this guy then tell him how it is.. you cannot pay for everything. Others are right, you are just enabling him and making it easy. If he loves you he will step up and fix things.
“Yes, I am. Because right now, I do not see you as someone I can trust to commit and provide equally to a long term relationship. At the moment, I feel like you are using me because I make more than you, and I need to see that I am wrong.”
If he throws a tantrum over this, you’ll know he is Not The One.
But his MUM never makes him do ANYTHING. You’re a mean fake-mummy-he-can-also-Screw.
You are not wrong! I am in the same scenario. Never offers either.
Will buy himself things and bring it over, never gets me anything or offers to grab something.
He can go hungry then. Tell him this is happening from here on out.
He is using you.
He should be working full time. Instead, he is using you to finance everything. Don’t expect a change.
You need to be giving a bigger ultimatum than just the food.
He is using you. He had no plan to bring food and most likely no plans moving forward to contribute fairly.
Be careful about letting him stay how long he wants. People like this will never go home.
No no no this is a very weird dynamic you are setting up. You’re asking him to pay to visit you as if you’re a pay toilet.
When guests come to your home, you do not ask them to pay.
If you are upset about all the money you spend on him, start asking him to alternate or split the costs of: Ubers, taxis, meals out, tickets to events, tickets for travel, etc.
You aren’t being petty. He’s letting you bankroll his life. This jumped out at me though.
>He works ~12 Hours a week as a special educator.
Bless him for working in special education, because it’s a very challenging job, and is one that is critically needed. **But why is he only working ~12 hours/week?** Is there a reason he’s only working the equivalent of 1.5 days per week?
Look, it’s okay to end a relationship because of money, and there is no reason to feel guilty when the person is taking advantage of you. Financial compatibility is a HUGE factor in whether or not a relationship is successful.
He’s 25 and still lives at home, which would be fine if he was able to support himself financially. But unless he gets paid the equivalent of at least one hundred dollars per hour, he can’t.
You want a partner, and that means someone who can support you while you support them. This will give you a man-child to support without any type of reciprocation.
*He said that offended him because he felt like I was giving him an ultimatum.*
I am, bring food or money with you or don’t eat.
You are definetly in the wrong here.
In the wrong for allowing a manchild to abuse your finances. Living with his parents and working 12 hours weekly?. What he earns money for, buting pokemon cards ?
To be honest, I would dump him in a heartbeat, you seem to be looking for something long term, and he does not even remotely seems being the one.
It looks to me like you want to be done with this relationship but want him to be the one who walks away. Just rip the bandaid off and move on.
Instead of these “tests” to have him demonstrate that he can carry his own weight financially and has the work-ethic/a problem solver, find you somebody that is that person, OP. You are trying to mold him into the kind of boyfriend that you want which is a breeding ground for resentment and hurt feelings.
Why does he only work 12/hrs a week? Is he lazy? Unmotivated? Depressed? Addicted to games? Or, is there a lack of opportunity or physical disability of some sort? Need more info.
It’s not about the groceries. If he were offering to contribute for everything, up to his ability, there wouldn’t be an issue, right? But he sounds like a freeloader taking advantage of a sugar mama. That’s not very nice, and it doesn’t make for a strong partnership.
If you feel like he’s using you, I’d agree. I just don’t see how having this sort of division of wealth is sustainable in the long-term. If he can’t even chip in for groceries, how do you envision him being a partner/spouse in the future? Are you OK footing the bill forever?
Don’t stay with someone hoping they’ll change.
You want someone more like yourself, and he isn’t it.
You are correct your asking him to man up and show he will be able to at the least support himself if you stay together and there is nothing wrong with that. Stick to your words be strong.
At what point will you allow yourself to believe that you deserve better?
A good therapist can help you get to the root of why you’re trying so hard but receiving so little. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
Although valid I feel like it was approached poorly.
EDIT: He works as a special educator for a private school period when enrollment goes up, There are more students and therefore more classes for him to teach. when enrollment is down, he doesn’t have as many classes. He says that the hours that he does have Impede him doing part-time jobs, because of the hours of shifts for part-time work.
You need to dump the moocher. You need to find someone who has the drive to make more money
Leave him. You are financially incompatible.
This 25 yo landed himself a rich American older woman. Lol. Is he a bf or a dependent? Get yourself a grown man, not relying on you. He can work more, earn more, but why should he.
Your MANchild “BOYfriend” thinks he’s hit the jackpot and is treating you like his American Sugar-Mama! Unless he’s got some OTHER redeeming qualities or brings something else to the relationship, WHY are you WASTING your money on this BUM?
He works TWELVE HOURS a week? With seemingly NO ambition to work more or other jobs? Do you think you could TRUST him say, in the future, to stay home and take care of your children?
It just seems like you’re “spinning your wheels” going nowhere with this guy! No one says you have to be an “equal power couple” but he SHOULD have some self-respect to WANT to contribute to this ADULT relationship, otherwise he’s just trading MOTHERS! Greatest of luck! u/updateme